I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

[Zenobia]

A long term enduring amazing friendship at work changed when we started working more closely together. He is married with young children. I am single with an adult child. His marriage was dysfunctional with constant fighting and arguing. Everyone at work is aware of his marital problems and believe him to be a victim of domestic violence.

We developed the most amazing bond and friendship. There was never enough time in our day to finish a thought or conversation. We truly met each other on every level. He is the most rational, ethical, kind, gentle man I have ever known. We decided to progress our relationship and started a brief affair, but the sex wasn't that important. We just wanted time together. The future we planned, the love we declared! OMG it was intense. He articulated his love for me in amazing beautiful words every day. He inspired me to dream every day. He is truly amazing. Everyone at work loves him.

He is honestly my soul mate. We share eveything emotionally and intellectually and he believed this too.

Then his wife discovered some text messages. She took his phone and control of all his communication options. She gave him her phone so that she can monitor his location every second they are apart. She drives him to & from work. He has no other friends or family in Australia.He planned to use his wife's anger to kick him out. Then something changed. They are seeing a counsellor and the counsellor said he needs to rebuild her trust. The isolation he now endures is all part of the trust building. I am allowed no contact. The counsellor has advised he never speak to me again. We currently work at different premises but he now wants to quit his job now.He has told me he no longer loves me and wants to stay with his wife. My mother died last week and he did not contact me at all.

This is my best friend! I am alone, cannot tell anyone what happened, cannot get any support because we had an affair. I can't even tell my family, friends why he's not around. He is depressed but he has made a decsion to stay with her so at least he has a focus and a goal.

The counsellor said all coomunication with me must end. For the first time in my life I am having suicidal thoughts. Do counsellors not need to consider the effect of their advice on third parties? I need to speak to him to understand what has changed and for my own closure. Am I truly that evil that I deserve no consideration in this situation? All the blogs tell me I am in the wrong.

Help!

[Zenobia]

Ran out of characters above...

I've been toying with the idea of writing my story knowing that it might just be my therapy if no one else ever reads it. I certainly don't want my family reading it... So I started writing last night and realised that this story started in 1984...

Might post the first couple paragraphs for some truly honest opinions... maybe I should start a new thread.

[Zenobia]

Wow, I feel better now.

Maybe I will cook us a nice dinner instead of getting takeaway...

Thanks for just being there!

[quirkywords]

Zenobia

Thanks for letting us know how you are. A story sounds like a great idea.

Glad you are feeling a bit better/ Welcome Pinot and thanks for sharing your story so honestly.

KInd thoughts

quirky

[Pinot]

Zenobia,

I guess X (we'll call him that) returned because, simply, he wanted to. He had his rationale and life went on. I believe he wanted to honour his commitment to his family. I understand all your feelings about obsessing and wanting answers. Been there. Oh my gosh, definitely start seeing another psychologist. Do you have a great GP who recommend somebody good? You are clearly an intelligent person and analysing these feelings gives such clarity. A good therapist will give you tough love and that is not always easy to take. You will feel like you have been "sucker-punched" because of course your relationship and my relationship were different to the other extramarital ones out there. But they're not. And we both deserve better. The whole cake and not the crumbs. As you delve deeply into this situation with your therapist you will learn this statement is so true. You will heal and be stronger for it. Practice detachment and let him have his space. Do wonderful things for yourself, cook, get fit, write. Be around people who love and appreciate you. It does get better. I hope my experience helps.

Thanks Quirky for your warm welcome.

Pinot xxx

[SunnyVas]

Hi Zenobia,

I know it’s been 2+ years since you have been here so I don’t know if this post will get to you but if it does, I hope you’re in a much better place now and I hope your daughter is well.

Please tell me there is a shining light at the end of the tunnel?

I have read every post in this forum as I find myself in your exact shoes (well very similar). I am the other woman. I have been in a affair for just under a year now and it has been such a struggle. It’s hard to sum up the last year in a short post and I don’t even know how to put it into words so I will try my best.

We have been friends for about 6 years and it wasn’t till the begin of this year that we confessed our love to each other. We were both shocked that we got to this stage as it something we both thought we would never ever do! He was unhappy in his marriage for a long time and was certain he was going to leave up until we got caught.

From there it had put a delay to our relationship as he didn’t want it to look like he was leaving just because of me so his children won’t hate him. A lot of things happened throughout the year to the point where he left me a few times but then came back as our love was so strong and we could not bare to be apart.

Over the last few weeks it’s been quite stressful and I feel he is going to walk away again. I know in my head I should probably just let it go but it hurts my heart so much. He is my best friend and I truely believe he is my soulmate.

I don’t know what to do or how to get myself to be strong enough to just let it all go 😢

[quirkywords]

Hi Sunnyvas , welcome to the forum and well done for using your first post to support someone else.

I am sorry for your situation and I can feel your frustration at not knowing what will happen and can feel the love you have.

It can be hard following your heart when your head is telling yo to be practical/

As this is Zenobia's thread, you may want to start your own thread. You could cut and paste this post.

If you go to the FAQ thread, the first post shows you how to start a thread.

If you have any problems come back here and I will check.

Thanks again and I will look out for your thread if you decided to start one,

Quirky

[Croix]

Dear SunnyVas~

As Quirky says a thread of your own wold be ideal, in the meantime I'll welcome you too.

Thinking over your situation I guess the one thing that stands out in any relationship is trust and confidence in the other person.

It looks like if you had your wishes come true you would start being with this person in a permanent relationship, and for that to happen there does have to be that trust. At the moment you are left wondering -will he leave -what should I so and more.

Can I suggest something rather difficult. Form a plan with him, a set of deadlines to separate, divorce or whatever needs doing and then just wait. Terribly hard. Waiting is something people have had to do, for a serviceman to return from duty, a person who has been ill in hospital for ages to .... well you get the idea.

If he is not wiht you but still meets the deadlines and carries thogh you have someone you can trust, or so I'd think.

To simply hope in an on-again off-again situation increases heartache , and is an easy way for him to obtain the best of both worlds without commitment.

What do you think?

Croix

[Moonstruck]

Hi SunnyVas..... I am no use at giving advice but can share my story if you like...I was the other woman for quite a number of years...never expected him to leave his wife or child, didn't want to marry him or be in a domestic situation. Although our intimate relationship came to an end, due to a personal family crisis that needed his full attention and commitment..he ended it amicably, gently and respectfully.

I never thought I would see him again and had no intention of intruding upon his family situation....many years later we found each other, quite by chance...and while not resuming an intimate relationship, have remained in touch and the closest of friends..after 30 plus years of first seeing each other "across a crowded room". It took only one glance and I knew I must have this man, in whatever capacity, for however long it lasted.

when you are the other woman...there is no certainty, no guarantee he will not walk away again...it is not a situation for the faint-hearted.

Croix I don't quite get your suggestion to "form a plan with him, a set of deadlines to separate, divorce or whatever needs doing"...as "the other woman" we go into this with our eyes wide open; that we have no rights at all to put any pressure on him to leave his wife, see us more often or whatever....

SunnyVas....yes there is light at the end of the tunnel. It depends on what you want as the ultimate outcome, whether you really want this Dad to leave his children, and the devastating fallout that will inevitably occur ; or whether you can simply live in the moment and enjoy precious times with the man you love.

.