I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

[Zenobia]

A long term enduring amazing friendship at work changed when we started working more closely together. He is married with young children. I am single with an adult child. His marriage was dysfunctional with constant fighting and arguing. Everyone at work is aware of his marital problems and believe him to be a victim of domestic violence.

We developed the most amazing bond and friendship. There was never enough time in our day to finish a thought or conversation. We truly met each other on every level. He is the most rational, ethical, kind, gentle man I have ever known. We decided to progress our relationship and started a brief affair, but the sex wasn't that important. We just wanted time together. The future we planned, the love we declared! OMG it was intense. He articulated his love for me in amazing beautiful words every day. He inspired me to dream every day. He is truly amazing. Everyone at work loves him.

He is honestly my soul mate. We share eveything emotionally and intellectually and he believed this too.

Then his wife discovered some text messages. She took his phone and control of all his communication options. She gave him her phone so that she can monitor his location every second they are apart. She drives him to & from work. He has no other friends or family in Australia.He planned to use his wife's anger to kick him out. Then something changed. They are seeing a counsellor and the counsellor said he needs to rebuild her trust. The isolation he now endures is all part of the trust building. I am allowed no contact. The counsellor has advised he never speak to me again. We currently work at different premises but he now wants to quit his job now.He has told me he no longer loves me and wants to stay with his wife. My mother died last week and he did not contact me at all.

This is my best friend! I am alone, cannot tell anyone what happened, cannot get any support because we had an affair. I can't even tell my family, friends why he's not around. He is depressed but he has made a decsion to stay with her so at least he has a focus and a goal.

The counsellor said all coomunication with me must end. For the first time in my life I am having suicidal thoughts. Do counsellors not need to consider the effect of their advice on third parties? I need to speak to him to understand what has changed and for my own closure. Am I truly that evil that I deserve no consideration in this situation? All the blogs tell me I am in the wrong.

Help!

[Zenobia]

Dear Croix,

I am offended by nothing you have said. I don't mind being called a victim. Women in my position are often called the offender and worse. Their pain is rarely recognised as being a victim. Should I have known better? Looking back even with hindsight? No way I could have known it would end like this. The counsellor and I discussed how his total self interest and the selfish way he broke me (I am broken) without any thought to my feelings, was motivated by fear for his children.

However, for that he CANNOT be forgiven because he knows that staying in a bad relationship will do more damage to the child in the long run than separation. He KNOWS that I would have been an absolute beneficial influence in his children's lives. He KNOWS despite his wife's threats, he would still have access to his children.

I thought it'd get better, that he would acknowledge honestly what happened and even if he made a free choice to return to his wife, simply give me the respect I deserve and talk to me about his decision.

He didn't.

And this is what I now have to come to turns with. So Croix, and everyone else who has said more or less the same thing, he is a total b......d. No matter how guilty he feels about how he hurt me, it does not nullify that he chose to hurt me, that he did hurt me, over and over again.

I take heart from this forum, your sage wisdom, and the millions of sad break up songs out there that are telling my story so eloquently, that I have been used, abused and left to repair myself. Was I fool? I don't think so, perhaps only in not believing that this man of all men could be so cruel, that even now I want to defend him.

I agree that he is weak. He was given options, I showed him a future where there was happiness, support and dreams. He CHOSE darkness, misery and hate. Hate, he and his wife having a common enemy, me. He didn't think I was worth the more difficult path of divorce. Perhaps that is what is difficult to understand. And his total indifferent, patronising manner that he exhibited in the last couple weeks when our paths crossed at work. I'm only seeing it now, but even so I still adore him... the other him - I guess that's what you are saying this is him too.

Yes, naiive and now forever suspicious. Anyway, that's enough. No more self ingulgent poor me, Croix, I hope I am stronger but without being cynical and depressing to be around. I want to be resilient without being tough.

Thanks and truly, love to you all,

Z.

[Zenobia]

To the men out there and the morhers of sons,

This is a hard question to ask and it does not insinuate that you know personally, but, from the 'locker room ' environment, do men believe what they say to win and then totally posess a woman, believe the promises they make and just change their mind? Or do they wake up one day and just not feel it anymore?

The alternative would be that it is planned and that would just be abhorrent.

I know everyone is different but not having a son or other close male relative, besides my dad, I don't know who to ask.

Zenobia x

(Fishing for the answer I want to hear i guess but will accept the truth)

[white knight]

Hi Zenobia

Your qquestion is a little like "are men nurcherers or do they pretend they love children?" Or "are men affectionate or do they cuddle women to appear so?"

Its all irrelevant because of the 5 billion men on the planet you'd have 5 billion degrees of differences of that.

There is a wider problem of over analyzing in that it causes you to become a person dwelling on issues dont you think?

It might be time to consider major disstractions like hobbies, travel, sports.....

Tony WK

[Croix]

Dear Zenobia~

I agree with Tony, you are looking for non-existent answers. To quote you:

I know everyone is different

Life would be so much easier if people fell into categories as you describe, one could then have a strategy for each, fortunately they don't.

Please hang on to the fact that there are many genuine good people in the world. Also the fact that a lot do not wish to 'win and totally posses' another, but seek a partnership where both win.

Tony is also right in thinking that distraction can help heal.

Croix

[Zenobia]

Yes dear friends,

I wished i'd not sent that post because I do know the answer...

Thank you...

sorry😟😔😶

[Croix]

I wished i'd not sent that post

Sending that post was fine.

You are hurting and trying to find ways to deal with it. That takes talk. Some talk just confirms what we know.

Croix

[white knight]

Hi

You have healed a fair bit in some areas Z. But it all must get to a point whereby you do actually move on or the whole mess will remain detrimental to your well being.

Thats where distraction is vital.

Tony WK

[white knight]

A short relevant comparison

Last year we planned a round Oz trip with our closest friends of 25 years. At NT we had a major breakdown and we were abandoned by our friends. We had it all out at Broome and we parted ways.

That was 13 months ago. We are currently touring Queensland and have driven through their town twice. Its hard to not think about them and regurgitate the whole sorry saga.

But we move on. We talk little dbout it and enjoy our time. Life is too short to dwell on stuff

TonyWK

[Zenobia]

Thanks for you understanding Croix.

Tony, I too was in the NT, Gibb River Rd and Broome last year...hope we didn't drive past...

But crucially it is the word we. That's what I have missed since my husband died when our daughter was a baby. I thought I'd found my we and that I would have a life partner to make decisions with, share amazing moments with, grow old with...that is what he had promised. It lasted 5 years of friendship and 162 days of pure love. Then it was all gone. In an instant.

Thanks for your analogy too. At the moment I think how much I hate him but that feeling actually feels superficial. I think I wish I could hate him so it would be easier to move on... but I am not a hater. Don't want to become one either, not really. Just some sort of self protective barrier.

I have come an amazingly long way from that dark day that I genuinely thought I should end it all. As broken as I feel, that feeling has totally totally gone. Hope I never feel it again. But you know what? So many people feel that every day. I am lucky that it isn't something I struggle with. Now I feel that for the briefest of moments, I have walked in another's shoes. Someone who I would never have understood before and probably judged differently than I would today. So, if nothing else good comes out of this, perhaps I am a more understanding person. Someone who will never pre-judge a person again. After all, I am 'the other woman' someone who I would have judged harshly before, and I have felt real grief, despair and now betrayal.

Perhaps one day I can help another.

I have always wanted to write a book. Perhaps my characters will be deeper, more real if I ever get around to writing it.

Thanks friends,

Zen.

[Ken1]

Hey Zenobia,

What do you envision your mending process looking like? Yes, you are so understandably feeling broken now, but what are your plans for 'putting Humpty back together again' so to speak (excuse the reference!)

I really sympathise with so many of your feelings and the horrible pain you've endured, but I wonder, do you think it's easier for you to deal with the freedom of forgiveness or the pain of condemning? I don't know whether he made the right decision in going back to his life - perhaps you do. But his decisions are totally his. All you can do is focus on how YOU can move forward in a way that allows you to return to your best self. That process may take a while, but you also have a degree of control over what emotional hurdles pop up along the way, i.e. learning to forgive (SO easier said than done).

He didn't treat you well which is totally on him but that's something he's going to have to deal with. You don't have to deal with his actions, emotions, etc. You just have to deal with yours.

In my experience at life so far, I have come to the conclusion that anyone who hurts you twice is not worth being allowed the opportunity to hurt you a third time. He's just not worth you because he didn't treat you how you deserved to be treated! He's not worth your continual thoughts, whether it be anger, pain, love, whatever. He's just not worth it. But you are worth happiness and acceptance of a horrible situation. You are worth your own eventual joy.

I also want to encourage the idea of there being another we out there! This particular 'we' didn't go very well for you at all. But this man is not a 'one size fits all'.

I don't know the secret ingredient to moving on, but I know that it has everything to do with you. It's all in your hands. It's about how to heal YOUR heart. It's not about what he did, what he said, etc, but about how to mend the wounds that were created as a result of the situation. That's where the healing process begins.

I love love that you've travelled this incredible journey and that you're far from the place where you wanted to end it all. I also love your reflection on what you've gained from this experience, despite all the horrible parts of it. If you do write a book, I would love to read it.

Bonnie