I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

[Zenobia]

A long term enduring amazing friendship at work changed when we started working more closely together. He is married with young children. I am single with an adult child. His marriage was dysfunctional with constant fighting and arguing. Everyone at work is aware of his marital problems and believe him to be a victim of domestic violence.

We developed the most amazing bond and friendship. There was never enough time in our day to finish a thought or conversation. We truly met each other on every level. He is the most rational, ethical, kind, gentle man I have ever known. We decided to progress our relationship and started a brief affair, but the sex wasn't that important. We just wanted time together. The future we planned, the love we declared! OMG it was intense. He articulated his love for me in amazing beautiful words every day. He inspired me to dream every day. He is truly amazing. Everyone at work loves him.

He is honestly my soul mate. We share eveything emotionally and intellectually and he believed this too.

Then his wife discovered some text messages. She took his phone and control of all his communication options. She gave him her phone so that she can monitor his location every second they are apart. She drives him to & from work. He has no other friends or family in Australia.He planned to use his wife's anger to kick him out. Then something changed. They are seeing a counsellor and the counsellor said he needs to rebuild her trust. The isolation he now endures is all part of the trust building. I am allowed no contact. The counsellor has advised he never speak to me again. We currently work at different premises but he now wants to quit his job now.He has told me he no longer loves me and wants to stay with his wife. My mother died last week and he did not contact me at all.

This is my best friend! I am alone, cannot tell anyone what happened, cannot get any support because we had an affair. I can't even tell my family, friends why he's not around. He is depressed but he has made a decsion to stay with her so at least he has a focus and a goal.

The counsellor said all coomunication with me must end. For the first time in my life I am having suicidal thoughts. Do counsellors not need to consider the effect of their advice on third parties? I need to speak to him to understand what has changed and for my own closure. Am I truly that evil that I deserve no consideration in this situation? All the blogs tell me I am in the wrong.

Help!

[white knight]

Hi Bonnie,

Absolutely fabulous reply. Exactly my thoughts. I hope Zen takes that next step.

Tony WK

[quirkywords]

Bonnie what a detailed analysis, Zenobia, I wonder what your response is to Bonnie's post.

I agree Zenobia if you write a book I will be buying it. I can see you growing through this experience and while it is painful now I can see how you have change since your first post. You keep gaining insights as well as you are brave enough to show us your flaws as well as your strengths.

Take care

Quirky

[CMF]

Write the book Zen.

Just reading your words here I can feel how you feel, you write so deeply. I say go for it, it may be a good release for you.

How i your daughter?

Hope you and your daughter are doing ok.

[Zenobia]

Dear Bonnie, Tony, Quirky and CMF,

I can’t tell you what a major turning point you have just caused in my head.

After my last post, I checked in a few times to see if there was a response and ‘My Thread’ did not show up in bold so I thought there was nothing there. I also thought my last post sounded a bit arrogant and thought I had turned you all away. I have also been so tired and busy (I started the new job).
However, I thought I should post something to let you all know that I am not ‘cured’ but that I was going OK. I was going to write:

“ Hi all, things have a gotten a bit nasty because I asked for clarification on the children…”

Then I saw your posts and I started howling. I write through the tears still (but the howling has stopped). I think I read your words at exactly the right time to read them. A week earlier and they would not have seemed so powerful as they are today.

Oh Bonnie, what you said is exactly what I needed to hear. I think you have just changed my future. My psychologist did not even come close to your words and guidance. I was going to take up the challenge he laid down and I was going to fight. Now I will throw the proverbial knives down at his feet before I inflict one cut and walk away from this whole mess. I thought I had done that but you made me realise I had done it on the outside not on the inside where it really mattered. I hold one knife tenuously between my fingers still, scared to let go completely, for defence or to inflict I am not sure. Bonnie Bonnie … thank you.

You ask how will my healing begin? Perhaps all your encouragement can lead to my therapy… writing? I do not know.
Truly, all of you thank you.

Zenobia xxx

I will write again soon. Need to go away and process...

[quirkywords]

Zenobia

I am glad Bonnie's wise words helped you, they helped me too.

Thanks for letting us know how you are. That is powerful that someone's word can change your future.

Look forward there is a whole wide world out there.

I have finally started my own thread- Be yourself- who am I.

Take care

Quirky

[Zenobia]

Hi again,

Things have gotten so much better for me since your posts above. I have posted on Quirky's Who am I as I feel better I(that sounds weird to say yet promising).

My daughter has good days and bad days and they have now found a cyst in her spinal column. They will probably leave it alone but tomorrow she needs to have an upright MRI to find something else they suspect. We are still waiting for the geneticist appointment (6-12month waiting list and its been about 7 months already and we still haven't been given a date).

She turns 27 soon and has to come to terms with knowing that it will never get better. As i write this, she is watching something on her tablet laughing her head off..i admire her so much.

Have to tbink of a really wonderful surprise for her birthday...

It's comforting and gives a sense of security knowing you are thinking of me and my daughter.

Take care

Zen x

[quirkywords]

Zen

I just read your post on another thread and your last post here, what a contrast.

I am worried about you.

I know your daughter's health is always a big concern and must be hard for you.

I realise you are still hurting from your break up and probably have questions that may never be answered.

I just wanted to say if you want to write hear I am hear to read and listen and hold your hand .

Sending kind thoughts

Quriky

[quirkywords]

Zen

Just seeing how you are going as I have not seen you around for a while.

Quirky

[Pinot]

Dear Zenobia, I just wanted to let you know that you are not evil. In fact, I can tell you this because I have been through the same experience. An affair with a man older than me. When people think of the "other woman" a sultry seductress comes to mind. I was none of that. I loved him. I still love him. The chemistry or magic between us was amazing. But he chose, the same as your lover chose and left me devastated, grief-stricken and broken. Two decades passed and I did not see him. Until one day he came back in to my life - not as an affair by the way. Those old feelings were back. The love, the anger, sadness and pain. I sought counselling. I had to, and it is literally the best thing I have ever done. Talking about my secret lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I was not judged, I was supported. I was allowed to be open and honest. Yes, opening my scars was painful but the relief afterwards, oh the relief, made it worthwhile. One piece of advice has stuck with me. "Swap a habit for a good one". I have done this. I have started a postgrad degree (I have been procrastinating for years) and it has taken my focus to something different and interesting and I am getting positive results. But first, get counselling, get well, move forward. You can do this. I am so sorry to hear about your mum and your daughter. my youngest child also has a disability. It's tough. Look after yourself. I am here if you ever need to chat x

[Zenobia]

Hi Quirky and Pinot,

I have to do something. I can't stop obsessing because as you pointed out, I don't have any answers. The questions, the thoughts, just keep circling. I think I am getting better and then I crash again. Maybe I need another psychologist. Although the one I saw was nice, I don't think she gave me any tactics to stop the obsessive thoughts. Pinot twenty years? I want to tell everyone now.

Pinot, did you ever come to understand why, with that magic and connection, that he could just ignore it? Why would he return to the hell he was living? My counsellor said it was all about the children. But children are often, not always, but often better off in a divorced household especially if they have happier parents. He said to me that we were just building dreams in the sky, that it wasn't possible. I still don't see it as impossible I see him as having given up, choosing the easiest way out. And he won't speak to me and explain anything! I know I would be able to accept it better if he just spoke to me! Just one meeting I have asked for continually and he won't respond. I think he has blocked my messages and emails now. In the last three months I sent two text messages and four emails - two of those emails were job related. None of them were anything horrible.

My family organised a week away for me... it made everything so much worse because I had time to think even more... I worry that I am becoming seriously obsessive and I don't know how to stop it.

I am mature enough to know my value does not lie in his opinion of me but I am broken hearted enough to not be able to put those damned proverbial pieces back together.

He told me to move on.... Is that insensitive or am I overreacting?

He has changed me unfortunately as I was always a happy positive person, now I have started looking for the dark side in people. I know it is happening, but I can't control it.

Friends, I have been avoiding you because I feel guilty - like a fair weather friend, but also because I sometimes worry that it might feed my obsession. I read other people's posts and want to respond, but feel like a fraud.

Thank you again for caring so much.

My daughter is going through a pretty good stage at the moment and hopefully she can enjoy the stability for awhile before her next round of ...stuff.

Zen x