I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

[Zenobia]

A long term enduring amazing friendship at work changed when we started working more closely together. He is married with young children. I am single with an adult child. His marriage was dysfunctional with constant fighting and arguing. Everyone at work is aware of his marital problems and believe him to be a victim of domestic violence.

We developed the most amazing bond and friendship. There was never enough time in our day to finish a thought or conversation. We truly met each other on every level. He is the most rational, ethical, kind, gentle man I have ever known. We decided to progress our relationship and started a brief affair, but the sex wasn't that important. We just wanted time together. The future we planned, the love we declared! OMG it was intense. He articulated his love for me in amazing beautiful words every day. He inspired me to dream every day. He is truly amazing. Everyone at work loves him.

He is honestly my soul mate. We share eveything emotionally and intellectually and he believed this too.

Then his wife discovered some text messages. She took his phone and control of all his communication options. She gave him her phone so that she can monitor his location every second they are apart. She drives him to & from work. He has no other friends or family in Australia.He planned to use his wife's anger to kick him out. Then something changed. They are seeing a counsellor and the counsellor said he needs to rebuild her trust. The isolation he now endures is all part of the trust building. I am allowed no contact. The counsellor has advised he never speak to me again. We currently work at different premises but he now wants to quit his job now.He has told me he no longer loves me and wants to stay with his wife. My mother died last week and he did not contact me at all.

This is my best friend! I am alone, cannot tell anyone what happened, cannot get any support because we had an affair. I can't even tell my family, friends why he's not around. He is depressed but he has made a decsion to stay with her so at least he has a focus and a goal.

The counsellor said all coomunication with me must end. For the first time in my life I am having suicidal thoughts. Do counsellors not need to consider the effect of their advice on third parties? I need to speak to him to understand what has changed and for my own closure. Am I truly that evil that I deserve no consideration in this situation? All the blogs tell me I am in the wrong.

Help!

[Zenobia]

Dear all,

During my confrontation with him, he let something slip out that worries me immensely. It is a HUGE concern -and that is his kids. They are 2 and 4. Apparently he has been humiliated within his family and community to the point where his kids have been told and shown physically what he did with me and where Daddy touched me! He let this slip out. I was disgusted naturally and told him how inappropriate it was!

What do I do? I know they were exposed to a lot of anger and violence but if as he has assured me, he and his wife are getting on well and 'rekindling ' their love, do I assume it happened in the past and all is good now? I am so frightened for their mental well being.

He told me when he was seriously upset and I don't know if that is a cry for help because he knows how wrong it is and can't do anything about it or what. Do i step back and let things go? What if I am the only person who knows what is going on? They are seeing a marriage counsellor, is it likely that they would pick up or notice if something is wrong?

I believe I have analysed this objectively for over two weeks now and I have tried to look at it without any self interest or bias... but am I?

God i don't know what to do!

Zenobia.

[Zenobia]

I do not want to be a meddler.

[Zenobia]

I know he has concerns about his children's behaviour.

The eldest has social issues and has been kicked out of play group, has also had to find a different pre-school, and the younger seems to he progressing through the milestones much slower than his brother (which if course could mean nothing but could also be a reflection of the environment).

I will ask my counsellors advice...

[quirkywords]

Zenobia

Thanks for your update.

I am sorry you are still feeling hurt . You wrote "I know I will be OK". I believe that too.

In my opinion I think for your health you need to concentrate on yourself and not worry about him or his family.

You are a caring woman but I feel you need to care for yourself and while you are thinking about him it is upsetting you.

Just my thoughts and I maybe off the mark. I have been the other woman and I can understand your pain.

Wishing you kind thoughts

Quirky

[Zenobia]

Thanks Quirkywords, I am inclined to agree with you. I spoke to my counsellor today and she mentioned mandatory reporting but she felt it is probably not necessary because the bond he has with the kids is strong and safe. She feels that at age 4 he may not remember if it isn't reinforced and school will step in next year if he says anything when he starts.

I am going to let it go and accept ALL the blame because he has laid it all on to me. At least i have this betrayal pain that will fade... he may have a worse life ahead than I do.

Poor quirky, you too? The stigma is enormous isn't it?

Zen.

[CMF]

Hi Zen

Wow that is heavy stuff. Who told his kids stuff like that? How irresponsible and certainly not your fault. It takes 2 to tango.

You have seen another side of him now.I know it is hard and you're deeply hurt but remind yourself that this side of him is part of him. Do not take all the blame, he put it on you to make himself feel better but HE was the married one, not you. HE was the one with young children to think of,not you.

Speaking of children, how is your daughter doing?

[quirkywords]

Zenobia

You are not blame for everything. You are a caring compassionate person.

LIke CMF I am interested in how your daughter is.

Zenobia, for me it was many decades ago before I was married and was more physical than anything but when his wife found out she blamed me - well actually she said I was liar - a bit complicated but amazing how the other woman is seen as the seducer when it takes two to tango. That is the past and even though I was manic I take responsibility .

I think many people here have said you have a lot going for you , it may take time and I know you also have challenges as well.

I am please d you came back to let us know how you are going as many people here are concerned for you.

Quirky

[Zenobia]

Hi again,

Yes I took time off writing because I felt that as beneficial it is to unload and have the support of others, if there is nothing new, I felt I was cementing a dependent behaviour. I needed you all so badly, your understanding and reassurance but then noticed I was getting dependent on your support to get me through so then by holding off for a few weeks I made myself make my own steps in the world again. I did however stop in and browse but felt totally too weak to contribute or help others as i felt my viewpoint wasn't healthy enough to offer any aide.

One thing Quirky, with being the other woman, is why does the wife forgive the husband and take them back then blame the other woman? We don't go into it to destroy the marriage... it already had problems! I believed every word he said and that he was going to leave her and I still believe he meant it but did not have the courage to go through with it.

Anyway, re the children, when he told me he was so distressed by it that it could only have been his wife who told them. I can envisage her telling them in front of him to humiliate him and show him that she can turn the kids against him by saying how bad daddy was. What bad things daddy did and made mummy upset. He knows how damaging it is to the kids otherwise he would not have said anything. Again, was it a cry for help? Did he want me to step in? I don't know! I don't think so.

I am going to look after US now.

My beautiful daughter has now had her appointments with her neuro and she has a cyst in her spinal cord which could be causing the issues she has in her hands and feet but no definitive answer. She needs an upright MRI now to check for another possible issue. She often has severe tachychardia (superfast heart beat) . Her neuro asked her of all the issues, which one thing would she like to get rid of. She said the pain and exhaustion. Dr prescribed her 1/50th the normal dose because of the unpredictable nature of how her body deals with meds allowing her to slowly increase her dose and she seems to be getting some relief. For her to get a cuppa or something to eat can be so exhausting wnd painful. It has been good that I am now unemployed this week just to help her out and 'serve' to ease her pain.

After 3 weeks stuck at home, she has managed to go over to her friend's place tonight. So happy for her.

Hoping for some good news on the job front next week.

Thank you and I hope you weren't too worried. Sorry😶

Zenobia.

[Doolhof]

HI Zenobia,

Wishing you and your daughter well as you both move forward in a life that can be full of all kinds of pain!

Your comment about feeling like you needed this forum is one I am sure a lot of people can relate to. Earlier this year when my mental health was hitting rock bottom, I found the comfort and care of people here to be so very beneficial, helpful, and comforting.

There may be a time when a person has a thread here regarding similar issues you have experienced and you may be able to help and advice them.

A friend sent me a message today about taking things day by day, step by step, process by process, and to look forward, trying to make the most of all the resources we have around us to help aid our well being.

I'm going to try to do that. Hopefully you can as well.

Cheers to you from Mrs. D.

[Croix]

Dear Zenobia~

I had been wondering how you and your daughter are fareing, so I'm pleased you are here - though not at your distress.

May I speak frankly? I stand outside the matter and may see it clearer (and less sympathetically) as a result. I did debate with myself if I should do so, but decided I would not be a friend if I did not respect you enough to tell the plain truth.

I think it is a good thing that man showed his true colors and total disregard of you well-being - something he has done consistently, but now to the extent that it must become clear to you, no matter your love or how you personally feel.

His wife's behavior is as one might expect. Blaming you serves to excuse and insulate herself inside her unsatisfactory selfish world. The business with their children is very vague, secondhand and no doubt done in spite - if true. The teller is an unreliable weakling with his own agenda.

It is a horrible thing to be closed out. I had it when I was formally disinherited by my family, hard to believe, causes self-doubt and feelings of unworthiness. These are all beliefs and feelings caused by the perpetrators and foisted on the unlucky recipient who in no way deserves them.

It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that there never had been any love there, heartbreaking.

I don't know if all this makes sense. It boils down to the fact you are the victim, the wronged party - and a lovely caring vulnerable person. They are the ones (the man included) who ride roughshod over others for their own selfish and unstable ends.

Please do not think I'm insulting you by saying you are a victim or vulnerable, in some ways it is a tribute to your kind and loving nature that you find weak selfish underhanded people so alien that you have no real knowledge of their ways and so no defense. It has become obvious from all your posts. you are a strong and capable person. I'm afraid you were naive, but no longer. I admire you.

You may feel I'm coming on rather strong, perhaps, but I'm complimenting you with the truth as I see it.

OK, having said all that I'll move on. I'm sorry your job ended and hope another presents itself soon.

With you daughter, as you say, being at home just now has been an advantage. So has the sensible approach to medication increase. Going to her friend's a blessing.

This has been a very bad episode in your life, knowing you I'm most sure things will improve greatly.

Croix