I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

[Zenobia]

A long term enduring amazing friendship at work changed when we started working more closely together. He is married with young children. I am single with an adult child. His marriage was dysfunctional with constant fighting and arguing. Everyone at work is aware of his marital problems and believe him to be a victim of domestic violence.

We developed the most amazing bond and friendship. There was never enough time in our day to finish a thought or conversation. We truly met each other on every level. He is the most rational, ethical, kind, gentle man I have ever known. We decided to progress our relationship and started a brief affair, but the sex wasn't that important. We just wanted time together. The future we planned, the love we declared! OMG it was intense. He articulated his love for me in amazing beautiful words every day. He inspired me to dream every day. He is truly amazing. Everyone at work loves him.

He is honestly my soul mate. We share eveything emotionally and intellectually and he believed this too.

Then his wife discovered some text messages. She took his phone and control of all his communication options. She gave him her phone so that she can monitor his location every second they are apart. She drives him to & from work. He has no other friends or family in Australia.He planned to use his wife's anger to kick him out. Then something changed. They are seeing a counsellor and the counsellor said he needs to rebuild her trust. The isolation he now endures is all part of the trust building. I am allowed no contact. The counsellor has advised he never speak to me again. We currently work at different premises but he now wants to quit his job now.He has told me he no longer loves me and wants to stay with his wife. My mother died last week and he did not contact me at all.

This is my best friend! I am alone, cannot tell anyone what happened, cannot get any support because we had an affair. I can't even tell my family, friends why he's not around. He is depressed but he has made a decsion to stay with her so at least he has a focus and a goal.

The counsellor said all coomunication with me must end. For the first time in my life I am having suicidal thoughts. Do counsellors not need to consider the effect of their advice on third parties? I need to speak to him to understand what has changed and for my own closure. Am I truly that evil that I deserve no consideration in this situation? All the blogs tell me I am in the wrong.

Help!

[CMF]

Hi Zenobia

Sorry for my late reply and seri g you have been struggling. I haven't caught up properley but looks like you are back in contact with him? I'm sorry this is causing you distress.

My neices EDS is hypermobility. Has your daughter had her cardio appt yet? I do hope you have a positive outcome. It is an awful silent disease.

Cmf x

[quirkywords]

Zenobia

So sorry you had a bad bad day.

I hope you can process the information you did not want to hear.

Many people on this thread care about you. I know when you feel able you will communicate .

I have no wise words just that I am thinking of you.

Take care

quirky

[Zenobia]

Dear Geoff, Croix and Ross,

Thank you for your encouragement. Honestly I mean that not just saying it. I am taking it on board but not sure that there is much light..

So on Monday, we had to work together involving more contact than just the usual 5 minutes. It was going well, just doing our jobs but shortly before I had to leave to go to other premises, we spoke for about half an hour. Well, I guess the truth is I passively aggressively told him how much I am hurting. He told me that he and his wife have genuinely come a long way now and that they are better than they have been in years and years. Apparently they are not fighting anymore, their marriage counsellor has really helped them and he said he is happy.

That hurt phenomonally! A month ago,I was all he ever wanted. The promises he'd made, the love we had, the sharing, the plans ... now he is very happy.... I was devastated.

How can that happen? Our affair led to his marriage being saved? I couldn't cope. I want him to feel some of my pain. My loss. My despair.

then...

[Zenobia]

Part 2 of post..

Needless to say, I left work, took my daughter to the cardiologist, who believes her heart is fine but she does have vascular issues. She becomes breathless and her oxygen saturation drops, her heart rate slows (then speeds up really fast) so that she struggles to walk from the lounge to the bathroom, 10 metres.

So she had to see the respiratory specialist. He has referred her to more tests...

CMF she is waiting gentic confirmation but she has either tenascin X variety or the vascular version. Both also have hypermobility and flexibilty too so she has painful joints.

So back to my love... On Tuesday, we worked together again. This time we were together for longer and incredibly, we were civil and almost normal. Not relationship us, but friends before the relationship us. I commented how today was much better than yesterday and he said that "yesterday had to happen so that today could happen". I guess he's right and perhaps he is understanding that complete cold cut off is not necessary.. I know I am grasping at straws and I am also totally aware of the statistics and the reality that is terribly unlikely we will be together ever again but I can't help hoping.

You would think then that I would have been able to sleep. But after waking 3 times, my heart absolutely racing I went to work on about 3.5 to 4 hours sleep so I know that the truth is bearing down on me.

Due to all the changes at work, tomorrow brings another day of us working together. I will try to stay away from any heavy discussion and try to keep it like yesterday. Do you think that's best?

If I want any chance at a friendship, I guess I have to let him make that decision to let me back into his life, but hell so much of me wants to hurt him like he hurt me. I know that is not productive, I don't even believe in revenge, but a thought that screamed into my head last night was "I'm scared of my thoughts". They weren't suicidal, just anger and even hate!? That scares me because I don't want to be that person.

Then I went through the Why me? Again...

Anyway, I'm here tonight hoping for sleep and resilience to get through tomorrow without making things worse, for me.

Thank you quirkywords for being there and sending out your thoughts. I did read them but couldn't talk.

Wish me luck,

Zenobia x

[Croix]

Dear Zenobia~
It’s often the way, disaster happens and one struggles and tries to come to terms. This painful evolution is a terrible experience, then after one has ‘settled into’ the coping and grief the goalposts move and this not only unmasks the original situation but seems to make the recovery that has started go off the rails.

Things do change – just as well because it means although his revelations have hurt afresh it also means there can be positive change later - with another if you are like me, or in other avenues entirely.

It looks to me that you are a much more sensitive person than he, and he has handled this news of himself and his wife very badly – not putting things gently and with thought for your feelings. Maybe he is just too limited to do that.

Of course you are consumed with anger and even hate at the moment, and wish him to not only appreciate the enormity of what he has done to you, but feel a large measure of the pain himself.

Also you have that tiny seed of hope that by some miracle the two of you will be together again – you are a human being and that’s how it works.

Consider however firstly what would happen if you did lash out at him – and knowing your abilities I’m sure it would be successful. He would suffer. I think because you are a decent caring person in time you would suffer too, regret doing it and feel yourself less worthy, less the sort of person you want and need to be.

Secondly, suppose you did get back together, I doubt that the lovely trust you had would ever return. No real hope for an equal loving supportive partnership, always you would have at the back of your mind his betrayal of your relationship with him, and that with his family too. Could he do similar again?

I’d suggest the sooner you can form a mental shell with him on the outside when dealing with him day to day the better. Very hard to do with anger and hurt seething inside, I believe from all you have said here in the Forum you are capable though.

I’m glad your daughter’s condition is becoming clearer and her heart is fine, though the other matters you relate seem horrible.

I, like everyone here, wish I had more than faint words on a screen to offer, all I can say is they are offered with care and sympathy

Croix (Who wishes you the luck you requested too - flippers crossed)

[quirkywords]

Zenobia

you have been through a lot in past few days. It must be hard to work with the man you were once so close to. You have to deal with him at work so it is good you are learning how to cope.

He is probably feeling unsure of how to approach you and has probably been given ideas by the counsellor.

Your whole idea of your future together has been drastically changed and this will take a time and effort and some pain to come to terms with.

I admire your strength.

I suppose you have to focus on the present and not on what might have been.

I think you have the emotional resources so you do not need luck. You are smart and strong.

Take care

quirky

[CMF]

Dear Zenobia,

My heart is breaking for you. Croix's words to you were spot on. I don't have more to add but i am sending you strength to get through and a hug to help heal the hurt you feel.

cmf x

[ro63]

Hi Zenobia, I t has been a rough few days and I feel for you it's incredibly hard at work aswell, you mentioned that you might try and keep the conversation light ,that might be a good idea ,and I guess that yesterday had to happen so today could happen is true in a way too it just seemed that he could have handled it with a bit more sensitivity,I hope your days get esaier Im sure they will remember that things happen for a reason this reason may not make much sense at the time but it will ,we are here if you need us take care now ,Ross.

[Zenobia]

Part 1

Dear all,

Croix, it is almost as though you were able to predict what was going to happen today.

I had to relieve another staff member at the last minute today and that threw me into my (ex) love's office - for 6 hours. I was actually happy because it put us together in a position where we used to kill it. We worked together before in this position and we were a great team. But today, eveything wonderful that we did made me realise that I can't even offer admiration or feel proud to be part of his life. You know how when someone, anyone you love or are friends with, is really good at something, you feel proud to know them?

I struggled today because I realised after 30th june, we probably won't see each other ever again. That it is over really and I am going to have to realise that.

Just towards the end of the day when I had hoped to have a couple words fently to tell him how hard today was, his wife shows up. I was shocked. I said to him that he could have warned me and he said he didn't know she was coming.. .twice. He wasn't even ready to go as he hadn't prepped for the following day. He offered to help me pack up and I told him I was fine and he should just go. When i went out into the hall she was waiting for me, demanded to know what I had just said to him. I honestly tried to stay calm, after all work colleagues were around. I told her nothing but work stuff. She then insulted me rudely and I pointed out that this was our workplace and I just walked away. She followed and I went into my other office and she then waited for him outside the door. We finished up and they left. She was laughing, he looked devastated.

I think this was an eye opener for me. I think she was hoping to catch us out at something. He has been given back some freedoms, his phone, and he is now allowed to go to work by himself in the mornings and he was expecting to catch the train this afternoon too.

I was left shaking and although other colleagues were around, I had to pretend all over again that everything was fine. Within an hour, I sent them a joint text message stating that I apologised if my presence caused them stress and would ensure that I am no longer available to work at those premises. I promised that I would do nothing to cause any further stress.

T.B.C

Zenobia

[Zenobia]

Part 2

I think I found that mental protective shell Croix. I feel like saying I don't care but I know that's denial and that I do really.

I think I have come to the realisation that he has made a choice and I don't fit in the picture. What is so unusual though is that he has such a beautiful soul and I have never heard him say anything bad about anyone, even if they deserved it. He is a little effiminate and when belittled once,it really didn't bother him. He was able to see the other's point and able to even be kind to him. He would never have used words as his wife did, never insults anyone and explains the need to rationalise and take emotion out of a heated issue. Does his wife embarrass him then? Does he reprimand her and try to teach her as I have learnt from him?

He always made me want to be a better person. He did in fact, influence me a lot and he has inspired me to be a better person and I think that is why I may be able to let him go so quietly (screaming on the inside though ).

Quirky, you hit the nail on the head with my future being not what I had hoped for, that hope may be gone for good and that he is using tactics given to him by the counsellor. He has often quoted the counsellor. ..

Ross, I do think that is half at what I have been struggling with. His insensitivity. I wished we had had a proper goodbye conversation, tears and all, but nice and clear so that I could ask questions and get clear answers, whether I like the answers or not. I have been strung along with the goal posts changing constantly. It's like he has been cutting bit by bit then suddenly total then ok for a bit....

I can't do it anymore. It is time to feel the full brunt of the pain and give into it without any hope. Life without hope... What is that?
Croix's confidence that I will feel love like that again? That is what I will hope for...

I am going to my first ever counselling session tomorrow morning... I think there will be floods of tears.

Hugs back to you all

Zenobia xxx