I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

[Zenobia]

A long term enduring amazing friendship at work changed when we started working more closely together. He is married with young children. I am single with an adult child. His marriage was dysfunctional with constant fighting and arguing. Everyone at work is aware of his marital problems and believe him to be a victim of domestic violence.

We developed the most amazing bond and friendship. There was never enough time in our day to finish a thought or conversation. We truly met each other on every level. He is the most rational, ethical, kind, gentle man I have ever known. We decided to progress our relationship and started a brief affair, but the sex wasn't that important. We just wanted time together. The future we planned, the love we declared! OMG it was intense. He articulated his love for me in amazing beautiful words every day. He inspired me to dream every day. He is truly amazing. Everyone at work loves him.

He is honestly my soul mate. We share eveything emotionally and intellectually and he believed this too.

Then his wife discovered some text messages. She took his phone and control of all his communication options. She gave him her phone so that she can monitor his location every second they are apart. She drives him to & from work. He has no other friends or family in Australia.He planned to use his wife's anger to kick him out. Then something changed. They are seeing a counsellor and the counsellor said he needs to rebuild her trust. The isolation he now endures is all part of the trust building. I am allowed no contact. The counsellor has advised he never speak to me again. We currently work at different premises but he now wants to quit his job now.He has told me he no longer loves me and wants to stay with his wife. My mother died last week and he did not contact me at all.

This is my best friend! I am alone, cannot tell anyone what happened, cannot get any support because we had an affair. I can't even tell my family, friends why he's not around. He is depressed but he has made a decsion to stay with her so at least he has a focus and a goal.

The counsellor said all coomunication with me must end. For the first time in my life I am having suicidal thoughts. Do counsellors not need to consider the effect of their advice on third parties? I need to speak to him to understand what has changed and for my own closure. Am I truly that evil that I deserve no consideration in this situation? All the blogs tell me I am in the wrong.

Help!

[CMF]

Hi Zenobia,

I have read your thread and my heart goes out to you. So much heartache is such a short period of time. I'm sending you a big warm hug to start off with.

I have a niece with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. She was diagnosed a while ago after years of unexplainable problems so i empathise with you having to deal with this also and i do hope that research can find something to combat this silent disease.

Re your situation, it takes 2 to tango, you are not to blame, no one is to blame. If he was happily married and it was a meaningless fling, that is different perhaps. I agree with what others have said that his wife will eventually push him too far and he will leave the marriage. What happens if that occurs no one knows. You deserve happiness, please don't give up on that.

Re "I was wondering too... is this who he really is? Is he selfish and I didn't notice because we were so in love? Has the decision to return to his wife and ignore my feelings so totally a selfish act or does he feel he has no choice?" This is a good point as you didn't live together you will never know who he really is. i too thought i found a wonderful soulmate after my separation but when things didn't work out i saw the real side of him, controlling, abusive, nasty. We have a child but thank god we did not marry or live together.

I also divorced when my kids were younger, yes it is hard on them but better than being in a loveless relationship and arguing, kids pick up on this and at the end of the day as long as both parents love and care for them, that is the important thing. You have not caused harm to his child, you didn't purposely go looking to break up a marriage, it was already broken.

cmf x

[quirkywords]

Zenobia

What a difference 6 days make on this thread,

I think it comes down to listening to others and not judging other people.

Zenobia I love your picture and you writing. You write from the heart with compassion. I don't think labelling ourselves or others ever achieves anything.

I like the old saying , maybe clichéd, walk a mile in my shoes.

Take care

Quirkywords

[ro63]

Hi Zenobia, How are you doing today darling ,remember never say never, you do have the strength and the courage you show that to your daughter every day take solice in that ,and hope you have a great day today, get out in the sun if you can,take care ,Ross

[monkey_magic]

Hi Zenobia,

Condolences on the loss of your mother & I am happy you felt her with u in that moment as it's something no one can take away from you....

Even through your own heartache & difficulties u have been a beacon of light for others. I thank u for that. You are intelligent, wise,beautiful, fair & in no way to blame.

I personally believe you would have given him & his children so much more....

Let the universe decide his fate & hopefully when he comes running back to u, you would have moved on with another soulmate.

Just something to think about x

Never lose hope, you are one of the good ones. This man sounds like he's listening to his head, the voice of a stranger & not his heart in this situation...

Fly free and find those wings again....

[Zenobia]

Hey Tony,

I am going to hold you to that promise! I've decided I won't be leaving this forum...ever. Even when all is well again (yes I believe it will be all good again) I can't leave my new friends. I love your love story. It does actually inspire hope.

Dear cmf,

Your life seems quite complicated and I would love to hear how your niece is doing. Which type of EDS does she have? They think my daughter's is vascular but we won't know for quite a while yet as the geneticist waiting list is 6-12 months...

I agree that a good calm divorce for kids is often much better than a long term tumultuous relationship. We will have to wait and see how and what happens there. I am usually a very good judge of character and that we have been friends for so long makes me think that he is actually a good person in a terrible terrible predicament that he can't see any alternative possibilities

Hi quirkywords,

It is only a cliche if it has lost its meaning... walk a mile in my shoes should be something everyone does before passing a judgement. Honestly, I thought I was one of the most moral and ethical people on this planet, even had the Ethics Centre phone number in my phone. That naiive me would never have dreamt that I would have an affair with a married man and only last year did I judge someone for exactly that same thing. I will not ever judge someone again without first trying those shoes on for size first.

Dearest Ross,

Big hug from me to you today. Not one tear shed today! I did go out and work in the garden for a couple hours and although it was only 13 degrees, the sun was warm on my face. Going to go out for dinner with my daughter tonight.

Hello Steph,

Such lovely kind words, no wonder I am going to stay on this forum forever. Thank you for your kindness and encouragement. I absolutely love the expression you used... that he is listening to his head, the voice of a stranger.

Perfect. I hope he listens to his heart one day and even if it is not with me that he does find someone to love him as he really does deserve.

Yes time spent with you all has been so wonderful, inspiring and productive! Maybe I won't need as many counselling sessions as I thought I would.

Have a great evening everyone and don't let the dark of night extinguish your flame. I won't.

Zenobia x

[ro63]

Have a lovely dinner,Ross

[Zenobia]

Bad bad bad day today... can't talk and can't offer anyone else any inspiration.

Spoke to him today and heard things I just don'twant to hear.. I will probably tell you lots later.

Then took my beautiful brave daughter to the cardiologist who has organised an emergency appointment with a respiratory specialist tomorrow....

Too too much....

[Croix]

Dear Zenobia~

Circumstances as well as people seem to come with ups and downs. I am sure you know you have a reservoir of strength, but I'm not sure you know how deep and capable it is. You will deal with these things, even if more taxing than the bbb matter.

You can and do offer inspiration and example, no matter if you are up or down.

I hope that the specialist is immediately useful and your daughter improves greatly - and that you feel supported here at least.

Croix

[ro63]

Hi Zenobia,I am sorry to hear you had a bad day you do have the strength it will come when you need it most I hope all goes well with the specialist and you get the assistance you need ,

Best wishes Ross.

[geoff]

hello Zenobia, it's great to hear your ups and downs, and as they say 'there's movement at the station'.
I think that men are not able to overcome a breakup either in a r/ship or marriage, it was hell for me, and for RO63 the same, but women find it easier to overcome any of this, but this will depend on the circumstances, so the thought 'if only' keeps going through a males mind or 'maybe if I did' keep plaguing our thoughts and often get chastised to just give it up, and move on.
I'm sure this chap still has feelings for you, he can't just wipe these away, but they are definitely hidden from his wife, however if he is under too much control he will rebel against his wife, because nobody wants to be told what they should be thinking about or what they need to do, he won't have any flexibility.
He may not want to move away from his wife because it will become a messy separation/divorce, but personally I can't his marriage lasting from all that has been said, because his wife is too dominating, he can't even pop his head out the window to get a breath of fresh air, because she will be asking him why.
I don't agree with Broken Biscuits, I'm sorry to say, that any divorce no matter whether you have children or not does mean a hell of a lot, there is always one partner/spouse that is affected, and would argue this point until I'm black and blue in the face, plus if a marriage isn't working then you go looking for someone to confide in, and whether a r/ship begins, so be it.
It's lovely talking with you, but I also am concerned for your daughter. Geoff.