Husband left and I feel hopelss

[Jayne106]

My husband of over 16 years decided to break the news to me that he is no longer in love with me and needs time and space to find himself. He works a hugely demanding job and has been unhappy in his employment for a long time although he claims this has nothing to do with his unhappiness. He has now moved out of our home. I am madly and deeply in love with my husband. I know he has expressed he has had suicidal thoughts and has also tried to take his life recently. I have asked him to get help and I believe he has seen a GP but I have no idea if he is booked to speak to any one further and every second of the day I think about him. I really want to be there to support him. Our children are missing him dearly.They see my pain daily as I feel utter despair.I know people would tell me I have to look after myself and children and the children are my first priority although I am not able to function for myself.I just want to sleep as at least when I am sleeping the pain stops. I have always been a happy bubbly person and involved in many things and now I am finding I am withdrawing. I don't eat at all maybe a mouthful of food at each meal as I feel sick. I don't sleep more than 2 or 3 hours per night and I need sleeping tablets to get that. I begged for him to come to counselling with me to work on the marriage and he went to 2 sessions and didn't say alot except that he didn't love me. he was done and felt I didn't listen. I begged to keep going and to let me be his support through this. I am gutted and I feel I am losing it. My body is numb. I cry all the time. I am constantly thinking of him and how he is. I have booked to see a GP although not certain I will go as worried he will think I am weak. Do I continue to hold hope my gorgeous husband just needs time away and help? Am i just living in a fantasy. Can depression turn around and people see that there spouse was not the problem and they can make things work. Has anyone experienced this and had there spouse return or am I a fool and he really doesn't love me. One of my children told me today.. mum I believe dad does love you and I hope he soon will see it. Our friends are shocked and taken back at his lack of ability to try and this is why I am concerned for his mental health. My husband is the most amazing man and I see the hurt in his eyes now. I look at him and he looks broken ... I am a broken unit but should I be looking fine so he doesn't feel pity on me. I don't want him to come home from pity

[MO2TG]

Hi Jayne
I feel the same heartbreak. I tried to keep it light. We did get through Christmas but not unscathed.
He spent the morning with us and left before we arrived for lunch. The day was hard but he didn't even say goodbye, I was worse after that. Cried and couldn't have lunch. In his eyes I know he felt like he made an effort. But it was mean spirited to not say goodbye. Not even to the kids. Hurtful. I am trying everyday and it really is grief we feel Jayne. Family tell me to feel the emotion, if I want to cry...cry, if I want to be busy...they will get me busy, if I want to chill..chill. if I want to be angry...be angry .
You did the best you could on the day Jayne. Being surrounded by those that love you was the best gift for Christmas. Holidays without them is hard. I spent last wknd away with the kids and it was hard without him . The empty bed .... no one to share the kids enjoyment with. Deciding where to eat and choosing what activities to do. Christmas brought back a lot of past Christmases from when the kids were little and how.much fun we had. Yesterday I didn't even get a conversation. Never expected it to turn out like this.
Sometimes we just need to have a big bloody bawl. It hits harder some days and feels unbearable but we do bear it. And we do keep functioning.
Im thankful that i can talk about it and be.emotional rather than being closed off and withdrawn. In the long run I feel that approach is detrimental to a person's health and well being.
Thinking of you Jayne. Hope you have some relaxation and fun stuff planned. Getting ready to start organising myself for 2020.

[MO2TG]

Hey all
Feeling down today. It's just so hard to reconcile what was once my life to what I am dealing with now.
I'm over the anger he deals out. He can't even have a conversation with me anymore. It breaks me.
I know I need to keep living my life without him in it but it is easier said than done.. I try to distance myself because, when I do try to engage I just end up hurt more. I have been made to feel that I have done nothing but use him for the last 20yrs. I always thought we worked as a team and supported each other...made sacrifices for each other, raised a family together. This is not how he sees it. He says he has done everything for us and nothing for himself. And now it is his time to look after him. He is no longer a nice person but mean, angry and deliberately callous. He is stranger with.my husband's face.Remains unwilling to get help and thinks he is fine. He wants to be angry, and boast about arguments and how he now won't accept anything less than what he wants. It's really fucking sad to witness and to see someone self destruct and be helpless on the sidelines. The only person who can help is him and he doesn't want to.
I now have a gaping hole i cant seem to fill. The kids miss him. His friends miss him, his family misses him.
Today is going to be an I'll get through this hour kind of day, but I will get through it. Have had a cry, dried my tears and brushed my teeth.
Writing in this forum of Jaynes helps.me get through it and sort my brain, I write details I can't share face to face with ppl.
So thankyou Jayne for being relateable and starting this post and sharing..

[Jayne106]

Hi MO2TG
So glad we have a forum to write down our thoughts.
So sorry its been a hard day for you. Days that we have to live hour by hour are hard as I feel that these days are more often than what I would like but just don't know how to make the hurt stop.
I haven't had any contact face to face for weeks and last text was the 18th december so I figure its all over now. Even though i don't want to come to terms with that I know that he is never going to admit he could have made a mistake and he is obviously happier without us.
The boys have still not wanted to speak to him and i think it will be a long time til they do want too.
You are so right.... they need help but there is nothing we can do to make them see or so it. They in their minds have made the best decision for themselves.
I find it so selfish to not want to try and fix whatever he thought was the issue. I find it weak to just walk away from your family without exploring options of help.
My friends tell me to forgot him and not to waste time in hope. That they wouldn't trust him with my emotions and they also believe the boys wouldn't be happy with him back given what he has done with walking out on us.
I know this is true although I always think of he did have an issue with depression then i would not want him to feel there was no way to put this back together. My boys trust me 100% and they will support him to come back if i want that and he one day does too but as i have said previously he is too proud to admit mistakes! We are away with friends as we do the same trip every year and it is tough without him here. Really really tough but the boys and our friends have been awesome.
I don't know what i would do without the medication as i still feel terrible on it and my heart races.
You are doing the best you can and we can only take it hour by hour.
Your husband seems to only be thinking of himself the same as mine and I know we deserve better than what they are doing to us right now.
It really is a shit situation and one that isnt fair but it's out of our control and this makes it so hard.
The grass isn't always greener on the other side and hopefully they will both see this although I think we are in for a long wait!

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jayne and MO2TG

I am so proud of you both. Pre-Christmas was such a daunting time but you both made it through. You are both survivors and I admire your strength and courage. You are inspirational!

Kind thoughts to you

[Jayne106]

Hi all
Yesterday was a huge day with the youngest son who really doesn't cope and continues to take things out on me. The eldest son pulled him into line and today on holidays he has been so much better. Enjoying a day swimming and laughing.
I am feeling really nervous about tomorrow night. I am away with wonderful friends and I have my boys with me although my husband always joined us on holidays on New Years Eve once he finished work finally. Tomorrow he will not be joining us obviously and it is breaking me. I keep repeating to myself I have too be ok and get through tomorrow but I am not sure how I am going to be able too.
It hurts so badly
There is nothing I want more than him to be here with us but I know he is not going to be here. I keep wondering how long I will hurt this badly. Each day I think it will be better and it isn't.
I would do anything to hold him.
Am i supposed to take off my wedding rings? I just can't seem to do it. It feels like then it is final and How can it be.
Our mutual friend spoke to the kids yesterday and told them even though they speak to their father they do not at all agree with the way in which he has left us. They said he has handled it badly and they can totally understand them not wanting to speak to him.
It hurts so much knowing he has no job and sitting at home which he is obviously preferring over being with us. How was I such a bad wife he couldn't try and work out whatever he felt was the problem and how can you leave 2 boys and not think of how they would feel and try for them. You really have to hate someone to do this?
I know i say it often but I am really broken

[Tess2]

Dear Jayne,

i wish I could say something to comfort you , but I can’t. I admire the way you are my carrying on doing the things you normally would do. That is so important for your sons, for their own lives and to see that you can in fact cope. They are seeing how strong women can be .

just keep putting one foot in front of the other each day , everything passes.

tess

[MO2TG]

Hi Jayne
Hang in there Jayne. You are are strong. I can understand how hard it is. Go hour by hour if u have to . Let your friends distract u.
It plain sucks...the hurt. It's different for all I guess and hits us in different ways on different days ..hope that makes sense. Some days I'm numb...Some days I'm a crying hot mess, irritable or just calm and accepting ...like what am I worried about ( doesn't happen often)?
Plan some stuff for 2020..I am putting up some new things that I had held off doing because I didn't want to make physical changes to the house. I have decided that new year is the time. Why not...I mean what am I waiting for...life goes on and so must I. I have to prioritise things for me. It's only small stuff but a big deal mentally.
At the end of the day this didn't start about you and your decisions but about him. We aren't responsible for there words or actions. When someone leaves it's not aboit ùs but them. Cliche but true. I feel a lot of resentment build inside them and they never discuss it then one day they POP.
Missing them on important days hurts the most,
Glad your family and friends are with u and looking out for each other. Your sons will work it out and get there to.
Embrace what you have now. Take care thinking of u.

[Summer Rose]

Dear Jayne

I don't believe that your husband "hates" you or that you were a "bad wife". It's not you, this is about what's happening inside your husband's mind.

When my daughter was ill with OCD, she expected our family to follow her rules around contamination. If my daughter thought it was "too dangerous" for someone to touch dirty laundry, then no one was allowed to touch dirty laundry. If we did, it would cause her great distress.

However, on the advice of a specialist, we had to ignore her rules. The family could not "feed" her illness. One day I collected some laundry from her room, explaining that I was comfortable with the level of contamination, and this upset my daughter so much that she threw things.

As hurtful as this was for me, it was worse for her. I knew it wasn't my daughter throwing these things; my daughter would never hurt me. OCD was calling the shots and it was beyond my daughter's control.

Depression also changes the way a person thinks, acts and sees the world. Many people describe it as living in a fog. Others say it's like not giving a care about anything in the world, even though you know this will hurt others. Some people cannot get out of bed, others can't sleep. Some say it's like feeling powerless and sinking. Feeling worthless. Some people just feel dead inside.

Prior to leaving, your husband was in so much pain that he tried to take his life. Then he lost his job, which was everything to him. From his perspective, it could just be that your husband has lost his family and career due to depression. It's hard to know as he doesn't share much about his state of mind, but can you see what I am suggesting?

Sadly, he hasn't received professional help. So, there is no evidence to suggest that he is well. I really encourage you to try to separate the illness from the man. I believe that your husband is not seeing the world as you do because he is unwell. The man you know and love isn't there at present. Does that make sense to you?

Jayne, you have done everything you can to encourage him to seek help. He has refused. All you can do is be there should he reach out (if you have it in you and want to that is). Your focus must be on your own mental health now. The medication will likely take about six weeks to kick in and it should help you to function better. Hang in there.

Kind thoughts to you

[Jayne106]

Happy New Year
The first time in 19 years I haven't been able to turn to my husband and kiss him Happy New Year. Every one epse was able to with theor husbands and I couldn't. My boys are here with me and have been super supportive today.
My everything is aching tonight and I am a little manic and lost. I feel like everything is racing.
I agree with you that he has a level of depression but friends and also him have told me they think he is mentally fine.
I am wondering if I am now using this as an excuse to make myself feel better that he wouldn't do this to me intentionally.
I want to be there for him but it all os on his terms which makes it so hard. How can you help when he doesn't want you there.
When a person expresses they jave had suicidal thoughts and also drove the car crazy thinking to end it all then to me this is a huge red flag there is a problem but not to him or our friends. He also has said that he didn't go to end hos life when drivong the car which differed from what he told me. People have told me he is completely aware of the decisions he is making. They have told me to give up on him and move on now and face he is never coming back. Easier said than done but I suppose they are talking to him and know what je is saying

[Jayne106]

Didn't finishy last post....

Our friends that have been speaking to him seem to believe he is well aware of his decisions and seems mentally clear although Every one that finds out what has happened all question how this is possible and that he must be going through a mid life crisis or he is suffering from depression.
I am trying to move forward but I feel a huge amount pd saddness and I just want him back.
We have never been apart for more than 10 days when we have had to go overseas fpr work and that has always been hard and I couldn't wait to see him. I have now had no contact with him since dec 18th and haven't seen him for another week on top of this.
My plans fpr growing old together exploring the world beside him will never come.
We always said we couldn't wait to retire and enjoy each other's company in our caravan and I just will never understand how he sent the changed from that as littpe back as April we were away discussing it and again June long weekend to telling me he didn't love me anymore and needed tp leave.
I know the New Year is now here but I just want to stay in bed... hide from the world and cry til it stops hurting.
Hopefully you are right and the medication starts to kick in soon as at the moment it doesn't seem to be working bit maybe it is and without it this would again be worse who knows.