Husband left and I feel hopelss

[Jayne106]

My husband of over 16 years decided to break the news to me that he is no longer in love with me and needs time and space to find himself. He works a hugely demanding job and has been unhappy in his employment for a long time although he claims this has nothing to do with his unhappiness. He has now moved out of our home. I am madly and deeply in love with my husband. I know he has expressed he has had suicidal thoughts and has also tried to take his life recently. I have asked him to get help and I believe he has seen a GP but I have no idea if he is booked to speak to any one further and every second of the day I think about him. I really want to be there to support him. Our children are missing him dearly.They see my pain daily as I feel utter despair.I know people would tell me I have to look after myself and children and the children are my first priority although I am not able to function for myself.I just want to sleep as at least when I am sleeping the pain stops. I have always been a happy bubbly person and involved in many things and now I am finding I am withdrawing. I don't eat at all maybe a mouthful of food at each meal as I feel sick. I don't sleep more than 2 or 3 hours per night and I need sleeping tablets to get that. I begged for him to come to counselling with me to work on the marriage and he went to 2 sessions and didn't say alot except that he didn't love me. he was done and felt I didn't listen. I begged to keep going and to let me be his support through this. I am gutted and I feel I am losing it. My body is numb. I cry all the time. I am constantly thinking of him and how he is. I have booked to see a GP although not certain I will go as worried he will think I am weak. Do I continue to hold hope my gorgeous husband just needs time away and help? Am i just living in a fantasy. Can depression turn around and people see that there spouse was not the problem and they can make things work. Has anyone experienced this and had there spouse return or am I a fool and he really doesn't love me. One of my children told me today.. mum I believe dad does love you and I hope he soon will see it. Our friends are shocked and taken back at his lack of ability to try and this is why I am concerned for his mental health. My husband is the most amazing man and I see the hurt in his eyes now. I look at him and he looks broken ... I am a broken unit but should I be looking fine so he doesn't feel pity on me. I don't want him to come home from pity

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jayne

Happy New Year and congratulations for making it through the celebration. I know that must have been tough.

Could be that your friends are right and he is thinking clearly. Could be that he is stone cold--otherwise how do you explain leaving your family just before Christmas?

It might just be me, but after almost 2 decades of marriage if he really had to go I don't know why he couldn't have waited a few weeks. He certainly didn't do himself any good in terms of how his kids and friends and family and the world view him.

I guess what I'm saying is that he tossed a grenade at the worst possible time--emotionally and financially with the loss of his job--and there was no benefit to him to act so fast. This is what makes me think he's not thinking clearly.

Of course, you know him best. I could be totally off base, this is just another view to consider.

Trust your gut. Hopefully one day he will talk to you and explain what was really happening for him. You deserve that at the very least.

But I really want to keep my focus on you. Are you eating enough now? Did you look after yourself today? It's actually okay to shut down for the day. Everybody has bad days and tomorrow will bring the promise of a better day.

Kind thoughts to you

[MO2TG]

Hi Jayne
Been thinking of you. Summer Rose has great words for u.
I can't add much other than one day u may get answers...or you reach a level of acceptance within yourself that u may never really get closure. Acceptance is a good place to go...but easier said than done. I'm not there myself, With some things i am there but not with everything. Then on grief days everything rollls backwards. Like Paula Abdul sang...2 steps forward one step back....though it feels like being at the bottom of the stairs permanently..sometimes. but each time I'm at the bottom..I get back up quicker.
Do something for you today!!

[Jayne106]

Well... I am so impressed with myself. I packed up all our caravan with my boys. It is amazing how they have grown and stepped up. They helped and were amazing and I was so impressed with myself being able to pack up with no husband to help. It proved to me I am not useless and I can do anything if I put my mind to it. I was never a wife to stand back and let my husband do it all I always helped and it showed today. My friends were sp happy for me and told me they had no doubt I could do it. They also commented how calm we were doing it without my husband around compared to him nornally stressing ajd yelling at someone for something. It was funny as the boys both commented how well we did it without him! When we arrived home they helped me unpack and then we started packing as we are heading overseas in 3 days to Bali. The boys are so excited and I am happy for them and us to have this experience together.
You are so right that some days I seem to pick myself up quicker after a melt down and other days I am still struggling.
It is amazing watching and feeling the amazing support from my boys and I am happy at thw humans they are turning into.
I have actually been eating well and trying to do something at all times to keep me busy. 8 loads of washing today and packing has most certainly kept me very busy!
Exhausted tonight so hopefully I might sleep a little for a change.
I am sure he would have to be feeling terrible knowing he was supposed to be leaving with us to bali and he has selected not to go but then again I have had no contact with him and I dont think I will have any time soon.
I hope you are both looking after yourself also.
We most certainly are lucky to have each other to keep us going.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jayne

So glad to hear you had a good trip and congrats on successfully doing the packing/unpacking with your boys. And now another adventure awaits, awesome.

Glad to hear you are eating again. Hope sleep improves too. The tone of your post seemed quite positive, good on you.

Have fun on your trip and just be in the moment with the boys.

Kind thoughts to you

[MO2TG]

Hey Jayne
Wanted to chat before you go to Bali. Have a great time, make new memories for u and your boys.
I have holidays in a few weeks. Was meant to plan something but never got round to it. Had no input from Husband during the year so it didn't get done. Now he won't even spend more than a few minutes near me.
Going to have a staycation. Lots of jobs and to do list, some chores, others necessity and some fun random stuff. Lots of changes the good the bad and the ugly...solicitors uuugh.
I miss intimacy and conversation the most...we always had stuff to talk about but now he doesnt share anything with me and pretty much ignores or is not interested in my life or talking to me.
So I hear you when u say are they missing out, are they in that bad of a place or is it a choice they are happy with. It will be a long time before it's ever admitted or discussed. There is no equality in this. I get Choices yes ....whether I accept my situation or don't. I will get there eventually. I choose to grow while I deal with it... ... so I work on.me instead. It's slow... I am coping with work, making some changes around the house. Getting my finances in order. Planning for the year

[Jayne106]

Well it has been a great week overseas with my boys and family. The boys have pushed me to do things i never would have previously like riding a scooter and quad biking in mud and caves... walking down 150 stairs to get to a waterfall and swimming in the waterfall. I am so proud of myself. They have been super protective when we are walking the streets of a night or I am bargaining for something they take over so it has been awesome how much they have stepped up.
They did not spend anytime with their father for Xmas as they said they didn't want to see him. He is still not working and i haven't had contact with him since early December.
My heart aches every single day and I miss him like crazy every single day.
I have tried so hard to keep busy and focused on my children.
It is exhausting to keep busy but at the same time is doesn't help me get a good night's sleep. I really long to hold him and sleep next to him again.
I can't believe how hurt I am and yet I know he is just plodding along fine. How one does it ... i will never understand.
He is missing out on so much butt i refuse to lay here and not live life. My boys deserve a mum you is 100% with them each step in life as they both need me right now. They have told me how peaceful or family has been and how focused i am on them. We camped before bali and or friends commented how well the boys did packing up etc and normally even our friends notice the tension my husband used to cause. I blame this on his work as he was always so highly strung. The phone could ring 20 times a day with various problems and he never really was able to just be in the moment. Something i have learnt is so super important.
How is everyone else doing?

[MO2TG]

Hey Jayne
Sounds like an awesome holiday.
Love how teenagers can step up and share.some of the load with you.
I think we're getting to a better place Jayne. I still struggle but I feel less anxious. I am keeping busy, seem better to distract myself.
Nights are often the hardest, have found I am better able to focus on reading now than a few weeks ago.
Xxoo

[Jayne106]

Well what a great holiday I had with my boys and then my son got hos wisdom teeth out when we returned and I received a call from him about why I hadnt contacted him in regards to the surgery! He knew exactly what date the surgery would be yet no contact. I didnt contact him either as i figured he didnt want to hear from me. He was angry on the phone and I said that he knew and could of called. He blamed me for the boys not speaking to him and and I denied this accusation. He then calmed down.
Still has no job and sounded upset on the phone knowing we have been having a good time away and now have purchased am onsite caravan.
He called me honey on the phone! I couldn't believe he would still even think to call me this. Is is purely habit i have no idea. I said not to call me that! I said that we missed him and loved him very much. He didn't reply abd was quiet.
I asked him if he was happy and he said he didnt want to answer. He then asked me something and i said if i have to answer questions then he can answer mine do i asked again... are you happy and he said I'm fine!
Not sure what this means.
I have been told by 2 lots of friends he is the worst they have seem him this week. One said that he is like a zombie!
I miss him so much.
I really would love for him to come home so we can talk and hold each other. I know this isnt possible but I love him so very much

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jayne

So happy for you to have had an amazing holiday with the boys. Certainly well deserved and a great way to start the new year. Welcome home.

Hope your son has now recovered from his surgery with no complications. As for the issue around who should have reached out first about the surgery, I guess you and your husband need to think about how you are going to co-parent now that you are separated.

Perhaps you could give some thought to your needs and expectations and talk to your husband? No doubt there will be a few issues to consider, as this is new ground for both of you.

Based on your friends' observations it would seem your husband is still in a dark place and I'm sorry about that. Not surprised that he is still unemployed, it's a tough time if year to be a job hunter.

Is he financially okay? Is this something you both need to consider? You don't have to answer here (no pressure) but I would suggest you think about it--at minimum, about how to ensure you and the boys are protected from any fallout.

Calling you "honey" may have been out of habit, may have been a slip of the tongue, or may have been a genuine term of endearment. It's impossible to know, but I'm sorry that it upset you so.

Despite it all, you are doing great. You are strong, clear and functioning. Good on you.

Kind thoughts to you

[MO2TG]

Hey Jayne
I read your post and it has taken me a little time to answer. Your last paragraph gave me a lot of thinking.
It's hard when they are no longer the person you knew/know.
While currently on polite terms with my husband. It is like being around a distant acquaintance. Devoid of anything personal or affectionate.
It makes me ache deep inside....loss/grief I guess.
I ask myself will they ever be the same again, or is this polite stranger it or maybe something else entirely. Or is it only me he treats this way?. I wish good things for him, regardless of how much that will hurt. I am honest enough to admit like u Jayne that i want him to come home and I love him, but I cannot accept the current format.
More importantly will I ever be the same? No I will not. This has changed me, and I feel I will keep changing but growing. An updated model..older..wiser.. human. .