Husband left and I feel hopelss

[Jayne106]

My husband of over 16 years decided to break the news to me that he is no longer in love with me and needs time and space to find himself. He works a hugely demanding job and has been unhappy in his employment for a long time although he claims this has nothing to do with his unhappiness. He has now moved out of our home. I am madly and deeply in love with my husband. I know he has expressed he has had suicidal thoughts and has also tried to take his life recently. I have asked him to get help and I believe he has seen a GP but I have no idea if he is booked to speak to any one further and every second of the day I think about him. I really want to be there to support him. Our children are missing him dearly.They see my pain daily as I feel utter despair.I know people would tell me I have to look after myself and children and the children are my first priority although I am not able to function for myself.I just want to sleep as at least when I am sleeping the pain stops. I have always been a happy bubbly person and involved in many things and now I am finding I am withdrawing. I don't eat at all maybe a mouthful of food at each meal as I feel sick. I don't sleep more than 2 or 3 hours per night and I need sleeping tablets to get that. I begged for him to come to counselling with me to work on the marriage and he went to 2 sessions and didn't say alot except that he didn't love me. he was done and felt I didn't listen. I begged to keep going and to let me be his support through this. I am gutted and I feel I am losing it. My body is numb. I cry all the time. I am constantly thinking of him and how he is. I have booked to see a GP although not certain I will go as worried he will think I am weak. Do I continue to hold hope my gorgeous husband just needs time away and help? Am i just living in a fantasy. Can depression turn around and people see that there spouse was not the problem and they can make things work. Has anyone experienced this and had there spouse return or am I a fool and he really doesn't love me. One of my children told me today.. mum I believe dad does love you and I hope he soon will see it. Our friends are shocked and taken back at his lack of ability to try and this is why I am concerned for his mental health. My husband is the most amazing man and I see the hurt in his eyes now. I look at him and he looks broken ... I am a broken unit but should I be looking fine so he doesn't feel pity on me. I don't want him to come home from pity

[Jayne106]

Hi
Been a really tough couple of days and I am literally just trying to function at the moment.
Financials meeting was horrible and completely devstating.
He still isn't back at work and not sure when he is planning to return as he wouldn't tell me anything about his plans.
He wanted to know if I was taking care of myself and I said to him I want coping. That I am devstated and missing him like crazy and that I love him very much.
That i haven't changed sheets in weeks on the bed as i feel him still here and that i lay on the floor crying of a night.
He looked me in the face and told me to move on and stop torturing myself.
Just the words a hurt loved one wants to hear. I now hear these words over and over in my brain all day. How on earth do you say this. He has moved on and said he most definately isn't coming back.
My heart and soul is crushed.
The weekend my family have kept me busy and my boys actually helped put up xmas decorations with me even though they usually hate doing it they came and spent the time helping me.
Daily jobs seem to take me so much longer as I sometimes don't know what to do next and just want to curl into a ball and cry all day. I find myself sitting in a conversation but not really listening and not adding anything.
This isn't the person I was. I always had something to add and was very talkative.
My eldest comes in each night and we watch something together on TV or netflix. He gives me a cuddle all the time out of nowhere and I know he wants to see me happy.
I woke the youngest on Saturday morning with a big smile on my face and he asked me why i looked happy... I said because we are alive! He gave me huge cuddle which is unusual as he normally doesn't cuddle that often.
Everything seems a struggle and i just can't turn the feelings i have for the man i have loved for 19 years and still love to now. He must think it is so easy and I should just do it as obviously he has done it.
He hates when he states something and I answer that he has walked out on us but it is the reality.
We had a conversation about 2 points early last week and when we got to the meeting he completely turned the story around. I told him I had him on speaker for the conversation and that she was a person who didn't even know the situation or him but I knew what he might do and turn it on me and he did. Once i said this he just looked at the book in front of him. I am certain he tries to send me crazy which believe me i am in my way there.
I have 2 counsellors on the go and the GP which i see again the week.
Someone has suggested i stop the counsellor and head to a psychologist but I am not sure. I will speak to the dr this week and see what he thinks as i know i am not coping at all.
He just kept saying I need to look after myself and I asked if he is doing the same and his answer was.... Im fine...
He asled what medication I was taking and I said it wasnt any of his business as I'm sure he isn't going to share with me. He tells me he cares for me. How can one care for someone and yet crush them like this and tell them not to torture themselves.
Those words are so so so crushing. Especially when he surely can see from looking at me I am a mess and I love him very much.
How on earth I am going to get through xmas I will never know. I wish it would just be cancelled yet my children need it.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jayne

Devastating. Your husband's words were devastating. I'm so, so, so sorry.

Those words are likely going to float around in your head for awhile. However, I think you may be in some shock, and that the words will lose their power in time. So hard to know what's happening with him and how much of this is the result of illness. Is he normally so direct?

It's my belief that you really need to protect yourself from further hurt. Maybe take a break from speaking with him or seeing him again until you can get your strength back. It might help you get through Christmas not to see him, as it's so painful for you.

You are not going to go "crazy", no matter what games your husband is playing. You are strong, smart, emotionally intelligent and you just need to continue to back yourself. You know right from wrong. You know what's true and what isn't. Trust your gut.

Your boys sound amazing and it must feel good to have their unconditional love and support. Have you talked to them about Christmas and what they want to do? You might find that they don't need as much as you think.

Kind thoughts to you

[MO2TG]

Hi Jayne
Devastating for you.
Not anything anybody would ever want to hear EVER.
Regardless Summer Rose is right,
You are not crazy. You are strong and have been dealt a really big emotional blow.
Tme to regroup. Rebuild your strength. Distance yourself from him for now.
Thinking of you.xxoo

[Jayne106]

Devastating words that I am just not able to get out of my head and my self worth seems so crushed.
I saw my doctor today and he has told me to take some new medication along with some other tablets he has already given me to try and help and he is arranging for me to speak with a psychologist as I need the help. Tonight I feel ill. I am feeling like my heart is beating so hard I can feel it on the outside of my chest and I keep getting this feeling come over me i can't describe.
My eldest son is heading off for 10 days with his mates do just the youngest and I will be home which is great to spend some time with him one on one.
The doctor has said the and as both of you. I need to work on myself as he is very worried about me and to be honest i am worried for myself.
Each day it just seems to be getting harder as i feel there are so many questions i have. I have to start at some point to realise i may never get answers.
He is off work again this week. 4th week off. Apparently his employer asked him to take leave and he has expressed to a friend he thinks he could lose his job .... I have to not worry about this i know but i am always of course worried about him it just feels natural as it is how i am to worry about him and want the best for him.
Turning off emotions is so hard to do when you love someone.
It is very true that my boys are amazing humans and I feel that each day they are growing even more into young men who i am so very proud of.
The youngest son has had amazing support at school from his teachers especially as they know what is happening.

[MO2TG]

Jayne
THIS is such a tough time of year and what has just happened is beyond your control.
I am so impressed by your GP. Please take the opportunity to see a psychologist, I found it helped me find clarity and validated the situation I am in.
I am still far from through it either. I am a work in progress. But I will give myself time to find a path through it

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jayne

I am so pleased to learn that you seem to have a great GP and that you are taking their advice.

I'd also like to suggest again that you do something positive for yourself each day. You need the daily positivity to give you respite from the enormous stress of your situation. It will only be a brief break but it's important because it will help you to cope.

What really works for me is a daily walk. I can virtually promise you that this will help you feel better. Just around your neighborhood or even better if you can get to the beach or parkland. The connection with nature really helps. I don't know why, although I imagine there are studies on this, but it does.

Social connections are also really important right now. Accept invitations coming your way and reach out to those closest to you. Chat on the phone, go for coffee or if you're up to it do lunch with others. This will be good for your soul.

I know it's bad but I think you are remarkable. Going to see your GP after the devastating encounter was a smart move and it took strength. Do you realise that every time he knocks you down, you get back up again? You are getting through this. You are doing it.

Kind thoughts to you

[Jayne106]

Last night I had to see him to pickup some paperwork and he looked quite terrible compared to last week when he was cold abd callous and told me not to torture myself.
Last night he told me that he had resigned from his current job as they wanted him to go on another path which I am gathering meant step out of the role he was demoted down too and into another role which he didn't want to do. I am so happy that he has left the place as it is too toxic and I believe alot of his problems have stemmed from this.
He told me he missed our dogs and of course he misses the boys.
He was more calm and willing to sit still whilst I spoke and I did express that his son and I had said that his work was coming over our family.
I have always said to him that is anything happened to our family I hope his work would be there to support him each night he walked in the door... instead now he doesn't have that either.
It is so sad but I realised last night I can not try to organise him and feel sorry for him as it damages me every time.
I finally changed my bed sheets at 4am this morning after 6 weeks of him not sleeping on them as i wanted to still feel him but I can't do it any longer and i am proud of this small step.
The GP has been amazing and as much as i don't want to take the new medication i know deep down i have to do it for my boys.
My husband said he won't be having xmas this year as not worth it and I offered that he could come over to see the boys and have lunch but it is his call. If he wakes up and needs to come then he is always welcome.
I told him my door is open and we miss him terribly but he needs this time to work out himself.
I asked if he was getting help and he said he was fine so i am gathering he isn't and that worries me as i know i can't do this on my own.
I am taking the youngest away for the weekend and the eldest is safe away on holidays for 10 days so i am glad he will have a great time. I have done a little xmas shopping but i just can't seem to get it right and have said they may open am empty box as mum isn't great at it this year and they said it really doesn't matter as we are together and that's important. It will be a xmas we might learn being together is worth more than what's under the tree.
A friend has told him if he thinks at anytime he has made a mistake that i am a person who will forgive so just call but I lose a little bit of hope each day that this will happen but a resignation is the start of his reality now.
I just wish he would of done it first and tried to work then with me instead of now having no support and trying to do it all on his own.

[MO2TG]

Hi Jayne
It's great that u are starting to look after yourself. Making changes isn't easy by any means, regardless of how small. You have been through an emotional rollercoaster for so long. It is a good step for him to leave a toxic working environment. I feel their identity is somehow always linked to their job roles. If they are unhappy at work they are unhappy with everything. Very hard to get through to them, the issues don't get left at work they come right in your front door.
We keep making plans to keep ourselves busy. I'm considering volunteering for some service work as the kids in the next few years will hardly be home and I need to fill in the days and afternoons after work. I find myself aimlessly wandering around the house. I even dusted the cupboards so I definitely need help.....
My HB is wanting to talk this week but these conversations never go well for me. I have no idea even where to start. I Am avoiding even writing down questions but I know I need to keep myself on track. My idea of this conversation is usually not the same as his.
So I guess I'm quite fearful of this meeting. Last time we were near each other i kept having to calm myself from having anxiety attacks.
But I will be strong and face it. I will write some questions down and hopefully this will be a constructive discussion.

[Jayne106]

Hi MO2TG
Yeah the small changes are hard to make but I just keep repeating to myself 1% better each day.
I am glad for his sake he has finally resigned and hopefully finding another job that will make him happy will be good for him as he was so unhappy. For our children to all comment that their father picked work over them and that he was never happy going or coming home from work. I told my husband that the kids picked it and if anything they are the ones he needed to listen too if he felt he couldn't from me. I sent so many messages and emails on regards to him leaving but he just wouldn't do it.
It was very much his identity... everyone knew him for where he worked and who he was driving a really nice company car... working for a prestigious brand etc etc. I really want to ring or message him that I want the best for him as today he has to hand back his car etc but I know he wants space so I don't want to message him.
I find myself doing alot of wandering around the house too and taking forever to complete a task!
I hope the conversation with your husband is a positive one. Definately make some notes and this helps keep you on point.
Try and remain calm. I did this on our second meeting and felt alot better that I kept myself together although i got in the car and broke down i didn't in front of him.
I know how hard this is for you and wish everyday there was magic wand that would take away the pain we are going through and especially one for the kids involved.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jayne, MO2TG and wave to all

I came across these words today (they are not mine, from a FB post) and thought of you both. I hope they bring some comfort ...

Even now, as broken as you may feel, you are still so strong.

There's something to be said for how you hold yourself together and keep moving, even though you feel like shattering.

Don't stop. This is your healing. It doesn't have to be pretty or graceful. You just have to keep moving.

Kind thoughts to you