Husband left and I feel hopelss

[Jayne106]

My husband of over 16 years decided to break the news to me that he is no longer in love with me and needs time and space to find himself. He works a hugely demanding job and has been unhappy in his employment for a long time although he claims this has nothing to do with his unhappiness. He has now moved out of our home. I am madly and deeply in love with my husband. I know he has expressed he has had suicidal thoughts and has also tried to take his life recently. I have asked him to get help and I believe he has seen a GP but I have no idea if he is booked to speak to any one further and every second of the day I think about him. I really want to be there to support him. Our children are missing him dearly.They see my pain daily as I feel utter despair.I know people would tell me I have to look after myself and children and the children are my first priority although I am not able to function for myself.I just want to sleep as at least when I am sleeping the pain stops. I have always been a happy bubbly person and involved in many things and now I am finding I am withdrawing. I don't eat at all maybe a mouthful of food at each meal as I feel sick. I don't sleep more than 2 or 3 hours per night and I need sleeping tablets to get that. I begged for him to come to counselling with me to work on the marriage and he went to 2 sessions and didn't say alot except that he didn't love me. he was done and felt I didn't listen. I begged to keep going and to let me be his support through this. I am gutted and I feel I am losing it. My body is numb. I cry all the time. I am constantly thinking of him and how he is. I have booked to see a GP although not certain I will go as worried he will think I am weak. Do I continue to hold hope my gorgeous husband just needs time away and help? Am i just living in a fantasy. Can depression turn around and people see that there spouse was not the problem and they can make things work. Has anyone experienced this and had there spouse return or am I a fool and he really doesn't love me. One of my children told me today.. mum I believe dad does love you and I hope he soon will see it. Our friends are shocked and taken back at his lack of ability to try and this is why I am concerned for his mental health. My husband is the most amazing man and I see the hurt in his eyes now. I look at him and he looks broken ... I am a broken unit but should I be looking fine so he doesn't feel pity on me. I don't want him to come home from pity

[Jayne106]

I feel the pain you are in. I am so sorry you are hurting so badly today.
These days are the ones that suck as there is nothing that anyone can say or do to make the hurt go away.
We are here for you though all day if needed to help you get through.
At least you reached out.. you tried. It seems to be something we do as we live them so much and it is something I am trying to learn how to let go for them to have the space they ask for even though we want v to fight for the men we love.
My son didn't sleep again and couldn't go to school today. I have made a deal he has to go 3 days a week til end of the year and the other 2 days he needs to help out with washing the dog or christmas decorating etc to keep him busy. The teachers have been so supportive and as much as i want to push him to go to school i have to look at c the big picture. It's almost end of the year and everyone is tired and we as family or hurting and broken and we can only do our best.
You getting up for work today is an achievement and you need to be proud of yourself as i know how hard this is to do each day.
I doubled my medication last night and slept finally except i could sleep for weeks on end.
I never knew depression could do this to a person and neither did you by the sounds of it but we are now living this reality and we are not pathetic we arw humans who love and care and that's ok we can't be angry at ourselves for that.
I just planned a day with my boys on Sunday as we have something to go and see and we are hoping to find happiness in the little things as we have each other. I keep telling myself that.... we have each other... we have each other.
That's important.
Has your husband moved to another house or living with a relative?
How old are your children?
Just remember we are here for you and remember we are strong we just don't know how strong yet and feel like we are breaking at times but in the end our husbands are hurting too and they need help from the right people. They need help to find themselves before v they can consider us and the children and this is hurtful as it just feels like they are selfish mongrels but I tell myself everyday the man on the outside is just the shell hiding the beautiful man i love on the inside who does love being a family and is struggling with his self worth.
He is a great man and always will be to me it yet kills me and kills you to see them so disconnected.
Stay hopeful xxx

[MO2TG]

Hi Jayne
My kids are close to the same ages as yours.
It's hard on them. Their dad has always been a constant for them. A complete rock .
We are all trying very hard not to place guilt or pressure on him.
But we miss him deeply.
The only person who can turn this around is him.
Meanwhile we carry on...time does not stop.
We work on our own issues together as a family, the good & the bad. We aren't perfect but we still stand together.

[Jayne106]

Your words just hit me.... time does not stop. How very true you are. .
I Tell my kids daily we need to learn to dance in the rain. Something that is hard to do unless you are a drought stricken farmer!
We need to remember time doesn't stand still and neither can we. It is too important to forget and you have reminded me.
The reason I haven't told my husband how bad the children are is that I cant put this pressure on him even though friends are telling me he needs to know how do I do this to him. I am a protective person to the people i love and I will not hirt him the same way i am hurting.
I have made an appointment to see my dr next week and the counsellor again as I think i need some time with them both to work on a few more things and will try to get the boys to head back at some stage too but at the moment it is very raw for them.
Are your children still speaking to their dad? How are they handling it... do they say much or do you sit with them and discuss things?
My husband was a wonderful man who always tried his hardest to provide for our family and I know that man is there but again he is the only one who can help himself. He needs to find it in himself to get help and deal woth the issues.
A friend called me today... this couple are people we saw at least 2 to 3 times per week and our children have grown up together and they are extremely confused what he is doing as they can see the devastation and said they jever saw any signs of him doing this and being unhapy and they are so upset for us. They have tried to talk to him but again they dont push him as they have seem anyone who has tried to help and explain that there is work pressures... family pressures from years ago... self esteem with demotion etc he pushes away and closes them off and they want to make sure he is ok with support so they listen. Even the counsellor touched on issues and if course then he didn't want to go. So many things add up now as the time passes but as i say we are the collateral damage from it all and so are the children.
Heartbreaking reality.
You are a great mum and you sound so carrying towards your husband and so in touch with the situation... i wish i could be more like you and admire your strength and courage to be a great mum.
X

[MO2TG]

Hey Jayne
My HB did move out 2 months ago but all his stuff is still here.
The kids still talk to him and are trying very hard to understand. One gets the whole depression side of it and has also given me some insight from that perspective. They are girls and very open to discussion.
He is losing the battle of being able to put on a front to hide his depression to them, his friends and family.i have contact but limited as it is viewed as pressure and guilt.
I have good days and bad days....Today was horrible. And I have to really take a step back to maintain my own mental health from this point forward. Hurtful words were said and irrational beliefs and resentments hurled at me.
I need to protect what is left or there will be no way forward for anybody.
I have my kids who still need parenting and a job to maintain. U help me as much as I help u.
Working on my strength to regroup. Top up my resilience .

[Jayne106]

It's hopefully a good sign that he hasn't taken all of his stuff.
Girls do seem to be alot more in touch with emotions and more willing most of the time to talk.
The boys are really starting to open up and they were in my room til late last night talking about different things... cars... Girls and holidays and their dad so it was nice to have some time with them.
They asked are we getting divorced and i said I am just not sure what will happen at the moment as we take each day as it goes.
My boys saw him last night at a soccer match although neither of them even acknowledged him and my friend said he was upset but understands they are hurting.
Today I have to see him to finalise some last bits of the financials and it is making me very nervous and agitated not sure how I will last the day without a melt down or 2 but I have to.
My mental health is really starting to get worse and I am glad I have booked the doctor for next week as I really need some help. I am not the person I was our want to me and feel like someone has stolen her.
My boys deserve a loving and happy mum not the mum that looks like her world has fallen apart which it has.
I try each day to tell myself I am lucky I have my children and I don't have a terrible disease and I have financial stability etc but my heart is so broken that I just can't stay on this track. I fall quickly back into sadness... loneliness... heartbreak.
Today I feel the worse I have felt and I can't seem to shake it. How does one do it each day.... function and keep going... I just don't know how much longer I can do it.
I can't understand how a man can walk out on 3 people who adore him. I will never ever understand it and it doesnt matter what people say to me to start fresh and look at the positives I just can't seem to do it.
I wish we could still be at counselling where we could be working through things but it isn't possible and not speaking to him kills me but I know he tells me he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be married to me so I just have to respect this and walk away until he either wants to speak to me or wants a final divorce. Living like this each day is hell and killing me slowly I can feel it

[MO2TG]

Hi Jayne
It was uplifting to hear u talk about your boys. How you are supporting them and what you're doing is working. They are talking and sharing. In turn, they are supporting you. In the same way you have lead by example.
They know you are hurting and they are there for u to.You have cared for their mental health, teaching them how to accept help, talk and build resilience. At the same time have encouraged and nurtured them to not be afraid of how they feel about their dad, while persevering to find a way to protect and regain a relationship with their dad at their own pace.
Loss of a relationship is difficult. I feel like I am in an unfinished sad story that has no ending. Gut churning. But I make myself live...small stuff really. I pat my dogs and spend time with them. Throwing a ball. Dogs are so infectiously happy. I pat our cat and Receive head rubs in return.
I help random ppl at the supermarket., I smile at the cashier. I thanked our office cleaner. I do these things because it makes me happy. And I get a smile or a laugh from them to.
Take care of yourself xxoo

[Tess2]

Dear Jayne, and MO2TG,

of course you are sad and heartbroken, this is a very new event, it takes time to feel more normal, let alone happy. I know you want to be happy for your boys, but they are old enough to find it strange if you were happy. I am sure they understand your hurt and sadness. It sounds to me like you are both doing. Great job of being there for your children and continuing life.

The break up of a marriage and a family are very sad events, for all parties involved, even the person who instigated it. And the loss goes on for a long time. But life does resume some sort of normality.

Not knowing what is going to happen is very distressing. Just keep being supportive of your children and seeking help

tess

[MO2TG]

Thanks Tess
I have been doing some reading of old posts and sadly our situation is a common theme.
Obviously I feel stupid there must have been more signs and I dismissed or ignored them. I will hold myself accountable for that. It takes 2 to make a marriage work i thought we worked as a team a united approach. This was an assumption of mine and not true.
The most regretful part of this whole situation is not having the opportunity to try counselling together. Just leaving and then drawing it out while in a really bad headspace. No give no honesty, no respect and no chance of closureor reconciliation at this point.

[Summer Rose]

Hi MO2TG

You are not "stupid" and none of what has happened is your fault. It is very natural to fall into complacency in a marriage and I say this as someone who has been married 30 years. Life just gets so busy with kids, house, work, etc. It happens to all of us.

I know it's really hard but try not to look backwards. It really doesn't help you to move forward. I have no doubt that you did the best you could within your means at the time. Please cut yourself some slack.

Kind thoughts to you

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jayne

Hope the financial meeting went okay and that it wasn't too hard on you.

Good that the boys are opening up and that you can lean on each other. It sounds like you are handling them really well. They are so lucky to have you.

I imagine feeling like you're stuck in limbo waiting for your husband to make a decision is really hard. It might help to talk to your counsellor about ways to help you regain some feeling of control over your life.

I'm thinking of decisions you can make for you and the boys. Perhaps a holiday over the festive season? Or the start of a new holiday tradition?

I know you feel like you can't go on like this much longer. But I also know that you will. That's what we mums do. I look back on the years my daughter was unwell and my family was falling apart and I don't know how I survived, but I did.

The bb support line was really helpful to me. When I was alone and feeling hopeless, I would call and someone kind and caring would help pick up the pieces. Call them any time, day or night, if you need someone to talk to. 1300 22 4636

Please know that it will get easier. That may seem hard to believe right now but it's the truth. Give yourself time to grieve and adjust to your new circumstances.

Hugs to you x