Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Hi again Pepper;

Thankyou for 2 great posts! A contingency plan's a wonderful idea btw!

It's nice you explained how you feel when it comes to talking about yourself; I appreciate your candour. I'm getting to know you slowly, but hey, isn't that the way to go?

People mature, change and adapt; it's survival within growth. One thing about your writing that both enlightens and delights yet frustrates me, is the way you say so much, yet keep your cards close to your chest. (if this makes sense) This to me, has become a survival technique you've developed to, as you say, keep your privacy private. (Am I interpreting this right?)

In psychology there's the 'Circle of Friends' Boundary Chart that has a circle in the centre which is the individual, then larger circles around to depict boundaries that include specific groups or people. It's an organic depiction of where others sit within the individual's life; both definitive and provisional. I kinda see your description as this.

Self protection is a major influence for boundaries as we've learned; (hope it's ok to say 'we') both the hard way and thru witnessing others' experiences.

You wrote;

'I have been overcome by a very strong urge to define my own narrative lately'

I do understand this statement. I gather from what you've expressed, your attempts to be accepted as an 'individual' hasn't worked out so well. Conforming isn't something that interests you, but that being said, I think you've given it a fair go till now.

I have a book called; 'The Life You Were Born to Live' by Dan Millman. Although it's based on numerology, the premise of developing positive character traits and playing down negative ones has something going for it. Descriptions of 'life numbers' are eerily close to the mark.

Mine (28/10/1/0) focuses on becoming the leader I was born to be running my own race and letting go of codependency. Ha! It's as if he knows me! When I bought it I thought it was bunkum! Me? A leader? Noooooo....

And well, here I am ready to embark on the ride of my life.

So where will you be in 5 yrs? 🙂 It begs asking.. just sayin'

I so appreciate your honesty..

Hearts, minds, souls, this life and the next..

Love Sez xoxo

PS.. If you have issues with my words, please don't hesitate to say so. I don't want you to conform, I just desire 'real'. Isn't that what you're wanting too?

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez (and a wave to all),

Thank you so much for the warm and caring post. I so appreciated it 🙂

It does sound rather eerie that your numerology book’s theories and predictions have coincided with some of your important milestones. It must feel very comforting and reassuring.

Yes, I feel this is a very exciting time for you that’s full of promise and hope. A chance to further evolve and an opportunity to lead and realise your own vision...you sound driven and empowered and I’m very happy for you 🙂 Very, very well deserved...

I’m glad you found my suggestion to consider a contingency plan(s) potentially useful. As I said, it might be good to try to cover all bases...

Yes, I get what you’re saying about my communication style. I can see why you would find it frustrating at times...that’s definitely understandable and justifiable.

Although what I was trying to express before wasn’t strictly about only me but about something broader. What I was referring to was not about conformity or boundaries; it was about privilege and it was about representation. I feel sometimes people who hold the dominant/most popular worldview (normative narrative) accidentally (or even intentionally) undermine or even streamroll alternative, but equally legitimate and valid, narratives.

Sigh, the thing is that I don’t know how to say what I want to say without potentially ruffling a few feathers. This is not because I believe that my words or ideas are inherently problematic or hurtful but because, based on past experiences, I feel most people don’t like to be challenged...especially if those people happen to hold views that align with the normative narrative.

I think when most people are challenged, few people genuinely consider alternative narratives as equally valid because they focus too much on how the challenge makes them feel about their own lives (when the focus should be on how alternative narratives have legitimacy in their own right). Thus alternative narratives are often perceived as “threats” above all else...

Of course I believe there are genuinely open minded people out there. This I don’t doubt, but from past experience, this group of people tends to be the exception and not the “rule.” Hence my trepidation, frustration, etc.

A heartfelt thank you for trying to understand. It means a lot to me that you’re wanting to understand my perspective by giving me the freedom to self express ❤️

Love always from my heart of hearts, this life and the next

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

Hi Karen;

I'm so sorry I haven't replied to you prior to this; please forgive me. I so appreciate everything you said. It's wonderful to know this thread holds value for you. That sentiment means the world to me.

You've come so far since joining which is an absolute credit to you. I see your avatar regularly across the forum sharing your amazing gift of loving sensitivity. Your heart's an ocean of giving.

We, as the recipients of that sensitivity, are uplifted and filled with grace from your presence here, so thankyou.

Continue being you;

Love Sez xoxo

[startingnew]

Hi Sez,

I hope its ok to ask but would you (and anyone reading) mind having a look at 2 threads for me. i think youd be able to give them some pretty good advice .. ill put the names here but theres no pressure at all to respond.

-Coping with a touch Phobia (only meantions abuse not the type)

-Im new and need some help and advice please 😞 (relationship stuff)

[Just Sara]

Hi again Pepper;

I must say, I'm intrigued by the term 'alternative narrative' and what it means to you. To my understanding, it depicts a narrative that's different to what's accepted or expected as normal. In this respect, it will ultimately challenge many. It'd be great if you could find an example that could help me understand you better.

For the most part, I believe people firstly refer back to themselves to find understanding and reference to what's being presented. This obviously isn't representative of any demographic, but it still holds value as a baseline to form an opinion, which may or may not have any baring further afield.

When I first became ill, my nearly obsessive focus on world views/events for instance, made me feel angry and helpless. This inhibited my recovery, so I brought that focus in towards myself to survive and recover.

I soon realised how that previous helplessness/anger created a small and insignificant sense of self which drove my resolve to fight or challenge; nobody wants to feel these things.

This response didn't work of course as it kept me from 'me'. Avoidance was at the heart of it for sure as combating world hunger from my laptop was far easier than travelling into my pain.

This thread is my narrative. There's no right or wrong and yes, it may challenge or enlighten. The focus of my narrative has changed over time and people have a choice to read and develop an opinion. At the end of the day though, it's just a story.

This is an interesting topic. Thankyou for engaging and opening up..

Heart of hearts;

Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez (and a wave to all),

Thank you for trying to understand and for giving me a space to self express. That means a lot to me ❤️

Yes, I feel you have understood what I mean by an alternative narrative. At it’s simplest, an alternative narrative is one that doesn’t adhere to the norm (including normative standards).

I absolutely agree with you that people sometimes refer back to themselves “to find understanding and reference to what’s being presented.” I also agree that having an opinion itself is of course okay and of course understandable; I feel there is nothing inherently problematic or “wrong” with that.

But I feel this tendency to “self reference” can become an issue if some people become so clouded by their own worldview that they refuse to even consider an alternative narrative, try to enforce their own personal measures and standards on other people or take it for granted (or insist) that “their way” is the one “right way.” Or at an even more basic level, I feel self referencing can stop (some) people from a genuine attempt to walk a mile in another person’s shoes. Thus inhibiting understanding and feelings of genuine empathy towards others who have a different, but equally legitimate, worldviews.

In your instance, I can see why you brought your own focus inwards as a survival and recovery mechanism. I (think that I) get what you mean by how you used an outward focus on world events in order to avoid your own pain...as you said, self avoidance.

Plus, yes, of course this is your story, your perception, your voice and you’re entitled to self express as you wish here 🙂 I love your self expression and evolution and passion that you show on this thread...

Sorry, I agree with you that using an example would bring clarity. That being said, I’m also still very hesitant to give any sort of concrete example for the reason that I mentioned earlier...

Sending love from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

Oh Sweetie;

Your last paragraph reiterates what I said earlier about you being enlightening, yet hold your cards close to your chest. (I'm smiling because you've been so honest about it)

Generalising as you've done is helpful, but still has me trying to find examples to comprehend not only what you're trying to express about your own narrative, but also why it scares you to talk about it.

To be honest Pepper, I don't know if I'm helping by trying to guess. I've had to be very aware of my responses to world events to avoid drifting off into the land of Tornado Girl! A few weeks ago I went off on a tirade at Germaine Greer on FB over her profoundly stupid comments about rape.

She's a world renowned feminist who had the attention of millions when she got verbal diarrhoea. So I sort of get what you mean about people using their narrative in destructive ways. God she's an ignorant woman!!! Aahhh...

So all I can come up with is, your narrative's too 'personal' or 'scary' to disclose. That's more than ok you know. I admire your will and character, sticking to your guns the way you do. I can probably learn from you about not giving away parts of my life for all and sundry to see. It does come back to bite quite a bit.

Anyway, it's late and I haven't been to bed. (5:30am) I've deleted most of everything I wrote because none of it seemed good enough or appropriate for you.

Talk soon..pretty tired now.

Heart of hearts;

Love Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely Sez (and a wave to all),

I hope you’re okay...you were certainly up late (or early). I hope you manage to get some sleep today.

I’m deeply moved but I also feel a little bad that you went to all that trouble trying to come up with some sort of reply to me. I’m sure what you deleted was brilliant and maybe you’re just being hard on yourself...let me please reassure you you that you are helping by trying to understand, empathising and giving me some freedom to open up little.

Oh yes, I heard about Greer’s comments. It was appallingly bad. Her comments were definitely ignorant and cruel; she completely invalidated and minimised people’s trauma and clearly doesn’t understand what constitutes rape and the far reaching impact of it. What she said was absolutely horrible...

I can see why you were so upset by her comments. I don’t blame you at all for your verbal tornado...

Yes, I probably could be clearer and more open. That said, I sometimes choose not to be for a whole range of reasons.

Sighs, I don’t want to get into it here but if you do want to gain some insight as to what has been bothering me, maybe skim through a thread called animal cruelty, climate change, monoculture...the list goes on.

Also some of my comments on the multicultural forums too...together, they all sort of overlap with my comments about normative versus alternative narratives.

That said, I know you’re very busy and I’m not suggesting that you should read everything on that thread or forum. But maybe if you’re interested and have a bit of time, you might like to quickly skim read bits and pieces here and there. It’s entirely optional and please don’t feel obligated to read them or anything...

Sending love, cuddles, warmth, heart of hearts...this life and the next

Pepper xoxox

[Just Sara]

Darling Pepper;

Sigh.. I've visited the suggested thread and am inspired. I now understand; thankyou.

I sigh because it's indicative of my past love of all things controversial. Not in a bad way, or maybe yes, it could be construed that way I guess. I have my private thoughts of solutions, so for the same reasons you've given for your silence, I've stayed quiet too. I get it now.

I've steered clear of that thread for this reason. My views could be perceived as more than unpopular. Fundamentalists from many ideologies would probably have me strung up.

I admire you, Birdy and UB for voicing your concerns publicly. More than this though, it brings home how between these four walls that surround me, 'I am' the centre of this Universe. What I practice within my home is the whole picture. I don't say this thru arrogance, I say it with common sense at the core.

For instance, preaching about pollution when I'm polluting my own body with cigarette smoke is a huge indication of human 'choice' for hypocrisy, avoidance and ignorance at its worst.

I've focused on emotional well being on this forum so much, physical health and my/the environment isn't a priority until recovery sets in and the penny drops. That's where I am today after reading Birdy's thread.

So I'll close now to ponder 'enlightenment' and wait until the sun lowers so my screen isn't flooded with reflections.

Thankyou for being you.. And please pass on to UB and Birdy, that their consistent attempts to enlighten the masses has worked in this instance. I will undoubtedly write down all UB's suggested doco's to watch, and focus on what changes I can make in my world to throw a pebble in the pond.

Love Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi beautiful Sez (and a wave to all),

Your post made my day yesterday 🙂 Thank you so very, very much. I breathed a sigh of relief...

Also, thank you for taking the time to visit that thread. It means a lot especially considering both your time constraints and the subject matter 🙂

I must admit that I’m now intrigued by your thoughts on how to help the environment/slow the negative impact. That being said, I also understand why you’re hesitant so there’s no pressure to elaborate...

I agree with you that each of us can play a role based on the decisions we make in our own lives and homes. After all, I feel the cumulative effect can be either positive or negative depending on each person’s decisions and actions in his/her own life.

Personally, I (think that I) get what you’re trying to say; I appreciate your efforts and I admire your willingness to learn. But I feel what matters most isn’t about berating ourselves for what has already been done...I believe it’s about what we do from this moment onwards.

I said on that thread that I have little interest in finger pointing tactics, playing the “morality” card, heavy pressure, etc...mostly because I feel the vast majority of people aren’t (understandably) very receptive to those methods as I feel those “strategies” tend to alienate more than help. Basically, I just want to do what works. A more pragmatic approach...

To be fair, it makes sense that emotional wellbeing is often the focus when it comes to mental health issues. That being said, I think the body and mind are interconnected so I feel the health of one affects the other yet this is overlooked...

The mind exists in our body (head) but where does our body exist? In the environment: earth. So to me, mind/body/environment are all interconnected...

For example, if there’s hidden mould in a person’s house home, it could lead to an allergic reaction, which then might make him/her feel physically unwell. This, in turn, could make him/her feel very cranky. Environment, body & mind interconnection. It words the other way around too...

I quoted your last paragraph for birdy and UB 🙂 I’m sure they’ll be happy to read it. I understand why you think birdy created that thread, and while she is a wonderful regular contributor there, the thread creator is actually ChrissyStar 🙂

Love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxox