Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi beautiful Sez and all,

What a blessing to hear from you. It does sound like change is in the air. “Precipice” as you said...

Firstly, congratulations on making such incredible progress on your business plan 🙂 I feel the pride in your words and it’s so well deserved....I think it’s beautiful and inspiring that something potentially very special has resulted from you years of hard work, pain and recovery. We’re all very proud of you 🙂

Starting a business entails a lot of (potential) risks so it takes much courage. For this reason, I feel it’s understandable that you have questions and maybe some feelings of uncertainty...

As an employee, someone else (for the most part) created a working framework and vision for you. But as an entrepreneur, you now have to choose your own vision and define subsequent working parameters for it. So I feel it’s very exciting but also perhaps nerve racking too....

Maybe, as you suggested, it was sudden cold feet or perhaps it was your instincts telling you that it just wasn’t “time” yet. I’m glad you’re not beating yourself up over it though...

I feel consultations with accountants can be easily re-booked so there’s always next time. So maybe you can use the time between now and your next consultation to review and finetune your business plan...

I believe in you and have faith and confidence in your vision and abilities. When you’re feeling uncertain, we will cheer you on. When you’re feeling down, we will cheer you on. When you’ve made progress, we will cheer you on. When you succeed, we will cheer you on...cheering you on all the way ❤️

About your other comments, I get what you’re saying. I just want to say that you’re most definitely appreciated and valued by so many of us. Okay, yes, maybe fewer people now read or see your thread and I can understand you missing that...completely understandable...

But I feel that doesn’t necessarily mean newer/other members aren’t stumbling upon your thread here and there. Maybe it’s to a much lesser extent than before but just because this thread isn’t in the “new posts” feed, it doesn’t mean members aren’t finding it in other ways e.g. via long term forum.

As for members’ long term threads, couldn’t you just visit the long term forum to find threads you’re not on? A gentle suggestion...

Anyway, as DB said, your business will be ready when you’re truly ready. In your own good time...I believe in you and will always support you...

Love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxox

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez (and a wave to all),

I wrote a post so I’ll check again later but sending you some Sunday well wishes for now ❤️

Love, H x H’s

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

Salutations DeeBee Chooky 🙂

I wanted to address you separately first as I've been thinking about you; don't know why, just some concern's come over me. I haven't been checking up on long term threads as time doesn't permit, so maybe I should dedicate a day each week to visit.

I miss you; your caring humour, quirkiness and uniqueness that only you possess. But there seems to be a sadness in the air. It might just be me unnecessarily worrying or, the Universe is tapping me on the shoulder.

I find your thread very busy with day to day chatter so it's hard for me to focus there; I'm such a serious so and so... 😛 It doesn't mean I don't care though. I hope you understand this, I really do.

Thankyou so much for popping in and saying hello lovely; it means a lot to me. If you ever feel like having a one on one to pick my brain, don't hesitate to ask. I'll be here with bells on.

Love Sez xoxo

[Just Sara]

Hi Lovely Peppermint;

Thankyou so much for your comforting perspective. You know me so well and always bring common sense and rational thought into your posts for me to ponder. I so appreciate this wonderful quality in you. 🙂

I'm so hard on myself; it's a relief to read your particular form of retort as it gives me a sense of calm and grounding.

You're right of course. It's best to gradually and patiently address each detail one at a time than to expect or moreso 'want' perfection as a whole. In a way I'm fearing the business will take off like gangbusters and overwhelm me. As I've said, no-one in the country provides a service of this kind so it's of concern, albeit a great one.

When I called my accountant's office to cancel the appt, I expected his receptionist to answer, but he did. I wasn't prepared and felt somewhat embarrassed. You know what though, he made me feel at ease telling me to take my time and get back to him when I was ready. His calm demeanour gave me confidence in him. Beaut bloke!

Re my concerns about long term threads; at the time I was feeling the pinch of not regularly visiting everyone's thread; guilt of course. Your gentle 'nudge' is acknowledged too, so thankyou. 🙂 I'm ok now..

Hope your life's faring well. You don't post often on your thread, though I understand talking about yourself doesn't appeal too much these days. That's fine if it works for you. You do a bang up job of supporting others which probably works better for you personally. I get that...we give support to receive support.

I'll close now sending heartfelt thoughts and a squeezing hug for your efforts. It's helped me gain focus again.

Heart of hearts, this life and the next...

Love Sez xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Sara,

I have continued to read your thread even though your not posting much...I don't post much on certain threads..reasons...

Sez I'm always picking up little snippets of information, suggestions and help off your thread, and use them to try different ways to try and manage me...Anyway I thought that I would let you know that your thread is very helpful to me and I'm sure a lot of others who don't post...

Sez hun I'm wishing you all the best luck that I have to wish for your future..xx please take care of you and I'll still keep on following your thread... and pop in from time to time and comment when I feel able to...

Kind thoughts and hugs

Grandy...

[startingnew]

Hi lovely,

Theres lots happening here for you, thank you for the update. im afraid everyones covered everything! but am with you on this journey too. Lots of hugs xoxo

[demonblaster]

Hey chooky 🐣

Learning slowly to log out or at least finish most posting and reading earlier.

One of my brothers once very wisely said when I've talked to him re my art, we were talking about the high rate of small businesses not making it which incidentally he said what we don't hear is how many succeed 2nd time around. From what you're saying and I don't doubt you're intelligence and ability for one second this is appropriate.

"Not only the risk of failure, people also need to be prepared as you mentioned for success. I'll reiterate hun, take your time and only take the next step when you feel confident you've covered all bases. You're human chooky, I'd be concerned if you were cocky and not scared. Caution lovey, much safer. All the very best wishes in business and with your life darlin 💗🤗 Good on you!

I think I understand but not 100%. You said it beautifully so Ms sensitives not offended. Do you mean less ramble 😁 that I've been working on or ?. I need the social side too esp where my head goes but trust me I'm working hard on a lot. Peps made a good point concentrating on one thing at a time to u, we can learn so much Listening to convos 😅 now I sound like Ms snoop ☺ and it also fills a deep void at nights esp but going well. Soz hun not exactly sure ☺🤗 or to post more again? Atm this is what I have to do for survival honestly it's so incredibly intense what goes on. No stroppys just communicating ☺

Rate ya chooks

Take really good care and thank you I quite often think of you and to chat about stuff MH but you've got enough going on and I research littles here and there it's the head slows me but just starting to break through with motivation 👌 Boomer.

Really is good to see ya 🕊

[Peppermintbach]

Hi beautiful Sez (and a wave to lovely DB and deeply caring Grandy),

I wanted to address one of your paragraphs to me if that’s okay...I’ll get back to you about the rest of your post tomorrow ❤️

I feel the reason that I haven’t posted much on my own thread is multi-fold. I have said this a lot on the forums recently so everyone is probably sick of me saying it, but a key reason is I have been overcome by a very strong urge to define my own narrative lately.

It took me a long time to realise that was what was gnawing at me. That said, I also don’t feel comfortable or safe to do it.

A key reason is because past attempts in my offline life have caused me significant grief and hurt hence my relative silence, uncertainty and trepidation...I often feel there’s this script in life where what is being conveyed (either explicitly or implicitly...usually implicitly) is here’s a circle and all will be well and fine...but only as long as I restrict my movement to inside that (limiting) circle.

I feel the people who continue to try to either explicitly or implicitly envelope people in that circle have a vested interest in maintaining the status quo because doing so helps to validate their own worldview...but this become an issue if it squeezes out other equally valid alternative narratives.

Sighs...perpetuating stereotypes, subjective perception masquerading as “morality”, imposing one’s views on another...the list goes on...I don’t know if I’m making much sense but let’s just say there’s a lot on my mind that I’m hesitant to express.

A while back, you once commented that you wanted to hear my “storm.” my “storm” isn’t perhaps as you know it...I feel everyone’s “storm” is different. Mine isn’t saying positive things about myself, mine is being able to define my own narrative. That’s my “storm.”

I’m not sure if you’ve been following my posts or not (it’s okay if you’re not of course) but I commented elsewhere that, aside from love, the greatest gift that any true friend can give me is the space to feel safe enough to express and define my own narrative...

This isn’t about having everyone agreeing with me but it’s about what Donte’ likes to frequently say, that is, acknowledging and accepting “diversity within diversity.” I don’t often feel this in life...

Anyway, that’s just a little piece of my heart that I’m sharing about what’s been bothering me (a lot) lately...

Thanks for reading...

Love always, heart of hearts, this life and the next

Pepper xoxo

[demonblaster]

Quicky before bed, Always ,gotcha back chooky Was thinking more about your venture so just wanted to let you know, I'll try something different to make it clearer Could potentially be easier for you so I'll get back sometime to support you more with it and what Peps said, she da bomb eh, you all are 🤗

Soo tired 💤catch ya darl go easy

🕊- full dreams and days all 🤗

[Peppermintbach]

Hi beautiful Sez (and a wave to all),

I addressed your comment about my infrequent posting on my own thread in an earlier post. Hopefully it lands here later...maybe it will help you to understand me a little better.

Thank you for the lovely things you said, and you’re most welcome 🙂 I’m glad you found some small comfort in my words.

Anyway, it sounds like this is a real niche you’ve identified that could potentially help a lot of people. That’s very special 🙂

So I think your fears makes sense and is completely understandable. As you and clever DB have pointed out, there’s the possibility that the business will expand faster than you’re ready for. So, as you said, it’s probably best to take a more measured approach and consider the small details.

Speaking of which, I was wondering if maybe, if you haven’t already, you might like to develop a contingency plan(s) in the event of rapid business expansion. Cover all bases...

I’m happy to hear your accountant had such a calming effect on you. He sounds very reasonable and patient, which are wonderful qualities.

As for the whole guilt thing, my thoughts is just do what you can 🙂 I understand your life is becoming busier and priorities are changing. So it naturally means time might be an issue at times...

I feel that’s understandable. Perhaps try not to beat yourself up over it and just do what you can or rethink your schedule to fit in the things you want to do as you mentioned to DB.

Very proud of you 🙂 Waves to DB and Grandy ❤️

Love always from my heart of hearts, this life and the next

Pepper xoxox