Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi again,

Sorry, I forgot to add...

I was thinking if there’s any possibility you could ask to borrow money from your sisters. I don’t know their financial situation (or the full details of your situation) but, from what I’ve read, you seem to have a good relationship with them.

So maybe this is something you might consider if things get desperate...just a gentle idea.

Love always, heart of hearts, this life and the next.

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

Hey 💆🏻 Pepper; 👸🏻 DeeBee 👩 Butterfly Wings 👧 Quirky and all reading 👨‍👨‍👧‍👧

As it turned out my sis did loan me the money. I don't know how long it's been since I did that but I had to bite the guilt bullet and accept with gratitude eh DB. I told her prior I couldn't pay it back till things improved; no biggie. She gave it gracefully...

The tyre guys told me my tyres were damaged by a screw driver and 8 other vehicles in the area were also hit. They had a hell of a morning trying to keep up with demand. No point bitching about it now though. One day at a time...

Yes...17. I figure this financial climate for me is the clue. I noticed the number today from early on. Its presence I probably see as a warning of sorts to use each moment productively and wisely. Stay focused on the prize and put myself out there. The last 4 yrs have led me to where I am so I may as well use what skills I have to support myself by supporting others.

This forum has been great practice and training I couldn't have gotten anywhere else. And; it's peep's like you who've cheered me on and encouraged me. How wonderful!

So a big squeezing hug to you all ok. (I do accept hugs DB...gladly) Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou...

Your constant fan and admirer...

Hearts, next life, dusk till dawn and;

eat, love pray...🍕💜🙏

Sez xoxo 👵

[Just Sara]

Oops.. my bad! Sorry Karen! Can't forget dear Grandy 👼

👵 xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez (and a wave to all),

I’m very glad your sister is helping you out and that you accepted her offer with love and grace 🙂

From what I know, the two of you have a beautiful and deeply caring relationship so I’m sure helping you out was something she was happy to do. I feel she would much prefer to give you the loan/gift than to have you not be able to replace the tyres and continue to stress...

Plus I know if the situation was reversed, you would help her out too...The thing is sometimes being able to help a loved one is an honour itself. Maybe that’s how it feels to your sister 🙂

17 is such a symbolic and meaningful number to you. I trust that you’ll continue to make headway with your business plan and other goals. I have every faith in your ability, determination and vision.

Maybe there will be hurdles along the way but I believe you’ll tackle each one as it comes...in the same way that you will celebrate each “win” as it comes 🙂 Regardless, will all be here cheering you on....

I’m very proud of how you handled your latest struggle, and accepted your sister’s kindness with grace 🙂

I want the very best for you and for incredible things to happen...

Sending courage and warm cuddles.

Love always from my heart of hearts

Pepper xoxo

[startingnew]

Hello my loveley Sez

Its really good to hear from you. Im abit short on words, brains not functioning well the past week or so.

Bugger about the tyres, cars can be a pain but we rely on them to much to not have one. Im glad your sis leant you money for tyres.

Your dreams seem to be falling in place, not without hardships, but it seems to make the end goal even more worth it. Good luck with it all, keep up the amazing work your doing. Small steps count remember.

Lots of love hugs and well wishes too

BW 💖🌷👭 💝

[Ggrand]

Hello dearest Sara,

Im hoping you are feeling good, I know that you can do anything you put you heart, soul and mind into and I can hear the passion in you when you speak about you new venture. you wil, do a top job..Their will probably be little to very high hurdles along the way..but hey Sara you beat the biggest hurdle of all....., your wellness 🌹🌈..

Always when we don't need things to happen they do..two flat tyres, wow, but I suppose you can look at it as only 2 flat tyres, it could have been 4 but it wasn't..

Im really happy for you Sara, you've always inspired me when I read your posts and your thread, you are so intelligent, and yet your also down to earth and a really special person with a lot of passion with what ever you choose to do...well done 🌹🌹💜🤗..I want to thank you for adding my name to your post, that meant so much to me, that you cared and did that.😢, (a little emotional)..I wish you all the luck in the world Sara,..Big comfy warm hugs.🤗🤗..

Grandy...xx

[startingnew]

Hi Sez

Just doing a pop in to let you know im thinking of you

No need to respond if your not up for it.

Love and hugs as always 🌻💛💗🌼💚🌷💜

[Just Sara]

A warm hello my lovelies;

I've wanted to write here for around a week now but never got round to it. So the yen hit me today and here I am...

This thread's become an isolated place since long term threads haven't been appearing in the new posts section. Please don't get me wrong, I love all your thoughtful and caring posts and the company is always appreciated. 🙂

It's just that in the past I've come across members who might only appear on the forum a few times who say; "I've been following your thread for ages". Their comments always made me feel valued knowing they'd learned from my writing. I miss that..

It's also disappointing to know if members threads are moved to the long term section and I haven't posted on them, I won't know they exist and vice versa; that's a shame.

I understand the rationale of management doing this because new threads and members were getting lost among our conversations, especially when those people might've been suicidal or desperate to find support.

***

So, I've used this thread to vent and question my pain/confusion as a resource for recovery and done a bang up job of it. Here I am nearly 3 yrs down the track feeling the benefits of my hard work and ready to pass my insight on thru a community service business. Who would'a thunk?! 😄

It's scary I have to admit; I've been an employee all my adult life while dreaming of running my own office one day. Honestly, I never thought it would eventuate, but here I am. I've had so many ideas for other people to set their sights on over the yrs; some took those ideas and ran with them, and some let fear hold them back. I'm on that precipice atm.

I cancelled my appt with the accountant the other day. Oh my... I just wasn't prepared to finally have my own ABN and make it 'real'. I made excuses about my business plan not being good enough and trying to convince myself I wasn't ready; maybe I'm not.

I'm not being down on myself, just questioning timing and self confidence. It's a process I guess...

Anyhoo, I've enjoyed writing for myself today. It's been a while since I focused on me within these walls. Thankyou for listening my lovelies...

Love, kindness, caring and many thanks;

Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely Sez (and a wave to all),

You’re heard and validated. I’ll be back later this weekend to write a longer response. Sending warmth in the mean time ❤️

Love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxox

[demonblaster]

Good to see ya chooky 🤗🌹

In your time hun it'll happen.

Take good care hun ☺🕊