Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Ggrand]

Hello Sara,

I wish you the biggest of biggest success with your new venture. I know you are a very intelligent and capable woman who can accomplish anything you put your mind,heart and soul into...

That being said, I like a lot of others who read only or one like myself who read and occasionally post who have walked along beside you cheering you on , are going to miss your invaluable help and insight..You are an amazing person Sara, and I really do hope and pray that you will on occasions post here to let us know how you're doing, and also if necessary so we can hold you up if your in need of it.. Once a friendship has been formed it is always there, whether in the background of ones heart or out in front of ones Heart. You will always remain loved by those that have met you and by those that you have helped...

Good luck Sara..I will miss reading your journey as you continue on it..because yours is one of hurt, sadness, darkness, joy, and success..

Ill be keeping an eye out for you when you do post..you will always hold a special place in my heart...Can I give you a beautiful bunch of 🌻🌻🌻🍀🍀🍀sunflowers, because you have at times brought sunshine into my life when I was down, and also a bunch of 4 leaf clover, natures good luck charm.....Good luck Sara...

Kind thoughts and the warmest hugs imaginable,🤗🤗🤗.

Grandy... xx. Karen..😘🤗🌹..

[demonblaster]

Hey sweet chooky 🤗

I read a fair few back and so happy you're sounding like you're on top of life, what an achieve.

I wish you every success in your new business which sounds very exciting. Agree with our Grandy you're a strong intelligent chooky.

Darl I'll never forget you and certainly will never stop caring and liking you so much, your a great person 🌹

Thank you darl re brain chemicals, just concentrate on keeping going lovey I'll research one day, stumbled on something the other day need to read again.

Take really good care Sez (aka chooky 😊) I'll miss you but do understand. Pleasure knowing you hun.

Lub lub lub back atcha darls 💗

Thank you for everything.

[Just Sara]

Hey guys;

Thankyou all for your kind thoughts and concern. It's been hard for me to write; I've come back each day but haven't had the courage to say what's on my mind. Your beautiful support makes it even harder but is absolutely appreciated 100%.

Due to my offline world becoming busier I'm attending to new posters only. The guilt's killing me but I'm not sure how to do everything I want without upsetting this new routine of mine.

I think of you all often which helps me get thru my day, but at the same time I feel regret and sadness I can't keep up previous amounts of posts. I hope you understand...

It is encouraging though to know you support each other everyday. I don't feel I'm leaving you totally abandoned which is a relief. You're a wonderful crew. (Group hug!)

I've been busy developing a program and doing an application for a grant to start my business. Although my meeting the other day went well, the panic attack I had afterwards tells me I probably won't be able to work with anyone else and need to do this alone.

I'm not really upset about this as working independently would suit me far better I feel; less complex and more flexibility. It also means I don't have to deal with previous issues re conflict (my safety zone) and work from home which is a huge plus.

When I have time I'll surely pop by and say hello ok. You deserve at least that much for your amazing encouragement.

Until next time...

Heart of hearts Pep's and heart felt hugs to BW, Karen and DB Chooky.

Love Sez xoxo

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Hi Sez,

Just caught up on your news and possible new venture. I am so pleased that yo seem to have found your niche and way to use your incredible people skills and knowledge of human behaviour.

I know you will be great at what ever do and I wish you confidence in yourself to handle any situation.

I think it is wonderful that your talents and life experiences will be used to create a program that will help teach others and create more awareness and understanding.

Look after yourself , we will be cheering you on.

Quirkyxx

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez (and all),

I’m glad that I decided to wait before commenting...I know, and as you said so yourself, your latest post here couldn’t have been an easy one to write. Not in the least...so it means that much more that you decided to bare some of your worries, stress(es) and heart out here for us. Thank you...you really are a truly beautiful and kind soul.

Your commitment to the forums is heartfelt, dedicated and deeply inspiring. Those new posters will be very blessed by your warm welcome and wisdom. That, I don’t doubt. I’m sure of it, in fact 🙂

Please don’t think you have “abandoned” us. Really, you haven’t. You’re simply resadjusting and settling into a new routine and “way” of being. I feel juggling your new venture plus forums (not to mention other stressors and commitments) must take a lot out of you...

If you’re posting less than before, I feel that’s okay and understandable (and almost expected) considering your new commitments and projects 🙂 It made me smile to hear that when you have time (no pressure or rush) that you will come and say hello here. Thank you for that...really and truly. But again, only when you have time and feel up to it...

Here is a warm and happy congratulations on a highly successful meeting. I can’t say that I’m surprised. I knew it was going to go well! I had an inkling...

Although I’m sorry about the panic attack. That must have been disorienting and perhaps unsettling. But I also know you have developed and fine tuned coping strategies so I trust that you put those to good use...

Perhaps as you said, working independently might suit you more at the moment. More autonomy and fewer triggers...definite advantages there 🙂

Like wonderful Quirky, I’ll also be cheering you on...

A warm hug...

Love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[demonblaster]

Take really good care of yourself hun 🤗

Thank you for letting us know how you're doing chooky.

Wishing you peace happiness and every success in your life 🌹☺

[startingnew]

Hi Sez

Im sorry for being MIA but im still reading and cheering you along always. I think Peps has covered the feelings of guilt and reduced posting very well so not alot to add.

Ithink its great your persuing your dreams! Finally getting the ball rolling despite a panic attack ( well done for getting through btw) and also realising your limitations as well is awesome.

Love and hugs xoxoxo ❣❣

[Just Sara]

Huge hello to everyone!

I wrote today on the Bouquet thread touching on my first post there. It was the 17th March 2017 and my post today was on page 17. Tonight I came here and saw posts prior to this one were at 1717. Is it a power number?

Well maybe not that powerful. I drove to the shops and found acceleration was laboured. Seems I had two rear flat tyres. Blah! I left the car there until tomorrow; will call the tyre place for support in the morning.

It's a bit of a test actually; facing adversity I mean. I haven't been able to sleep which tells me I'm probably not taking it as well as I'd hoped. The incident itself isn't worrying as I knew the tyres needed changing anyway. It's that I don't really have the funds to buy new ones.

A concern yeah, though worry as I've come to learn, won't make anything happen quicker or easier. It's that I haven't been financially 'needy' in so long I can't remember when it last occurred.

I've come to trust the Universe I guess. The whole 17 thing put a smile on my face I have to admit. How things coordinate like that's interesting and a real oddity. Even when life was a struggle yrs ago, money seemed to just drop out of the sky when it mattered most. I still believe this is possible.

My business plan's moving ahead nicely albeit at snail's pace. Maybe I need to up the anti if today's any indication of what's to come. I noticed the clothes dryer's program screen's functioning a bit slow. Not affecting drying yet; time will tell though.

It's when lots of little things begin to go wrong that I know I need to get my act together before it's too late. 4 yrs of avoiding responsibilities has eventually caught up with me I feel.

It's been 13 days since I last posted on here. Bit of a stretch from the old days, but I think I really needed it tonight. I'm grateful you guys are so loyal. Reading thru your words again I'm so happy I have you in my corner. Bless you all...

I hope life's treating you well; you're very deserving of it. Thankyou all again for your wonderful support and encouragement.

Heart of hearts;

This life and the next..

Sez xoxox

[demonblaster]

Heya chooky good to cya 😀

Wow yeah some message there in the 17's it's figuring out what it is. Reason for everything and the fact you noticed too. Like things like that.

You're right about worrying doesn't speed anything up. It's a bit like guilt, a useless emotion that we can't that I can think of get anything from and is a waste of energy and causes us grief.

Daghh tyres. Uh oh dryer. Strange how we get runs on things. Like bundles of goods or nots.

Plugging along slowly could be a good thing chooky because you have time to think about it all rather than rush in tho good too you took a positive out of the things going wrong to move on furthur with your business.

So good hearing you so content. Kudos chooky. Major achieve. Try not to be hard on yourself if you have some down days and keep in mind how you got here and how you feel.

You're very loved cared for and appreciated ☺ Still and always will give me a glow reading you Peps and Starts heart of hearts, dusk till dawn, this life and the next. Beautiful

Go easy hun 🤗 (soz I keep forgetting, you're ok with hugs I think?)

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez (and a wave to all),

It’s lovely to hear from you. Yes, 17 does seem to be a very special number to you 🙂 17 here, 17 there...I’m glad noticing that number is making you smile.

Your faith and trust that things will work out is inspiring. I feel it’s beautiful how you manage to stay hopeful...

The money (and related) problems do seem to be playing on your mind a lot but I feel that’s understandable. As DB said, I think it’s okay to have some rough days/sleepless nights here and there.

It’s all part of the “process”, I suppose. No one is expected to be 100% happy or 100% content all the time...

I’m happy to hear your business plan is progressing nicely. That’s fantastic news 🙂 I suppose there are pros and cons of speeding your plan up in my opinion. Pro is you’ll get it up and running sooner. Con is you might overlook important details in your haste. I see 2 sides...

A heartfelt thank you for the update. It’s wonderful to hear things looking up and how you seem so full of life and hope (despite some recent struggles and money issues).

Hopefully, as it has happened in the past, money will unexpectedly show up to pay for your tyres....maybe at the 17th hour (i.e. 5pm) tomorrow 😉 Wouldn’t that be nice?

Sending you many cuddles and much warmth...

Love always from my heart of hearts, this life and the next

Pepper xoxo