Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

thanks lovely Pepper; (Shout-outs to everyone too!)

As you know I've been posting on Chrissystar's thread (thankyou for the invite) and no doubt it'll become a fave thread of mine for many posts to come. 🙂

I wanted to write today about a dream I had before waking this morning. At the end of it I watched as my ex walked away, then unexpectedly my ex deceased husband appeared and walked towards me. He bent down and put his lips on mine. The feeling I had from him was love, regret and empathy; very different responses to his nature while on this earth.

I heard myself say; "No, I don't want to feel.." and woke upset and crying. I've been teary ever since. (Crying now..)

It was as if he was really there. My son contacted me an hr later; an uncanny coincidence. 😮 I told him I'd had a dream about his dad, but he fobbed it off.

There are times being alone really is lonely. There's a lot going on in my world so not having anyone (face to face) to share my thoughts with isn't nice. I've been posting to deflect these feelings but it hasn't worked. So here I am to talk about me..

I miss having a best friend. So I really appreciate this space to talk with you wonderful people I must say. The alternative would have me back on the lounge crying in desperation trying to find value in my life. So thankyou all from the bottom of my heart for your presence in my world.

That's all. I just needed to get it out of my head.

Massive hugs to all; love Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi beautiful Sez (and a wave to all),

Of course you are valued, deeply loved and appreciated by so many of us here. You and your life most definitely has value...

I just want to hold your hand and reassure you that you’re not alone. Of course it’s not the same as having face-to-face company but we are always with you in spirit and cheering for you...

Though the loneliness must ache...I feel your sadness and tears...I had an inkling something was amiss when I read your latest post on the animal cruelty thread. Something just seemed off, and now I know why....

That must have been such an emotional and distressing dream. In the dream, your ex husband was someone he was not in real life but perhaps someone you secretly wished for him to have been...

He gave you comfort in the dream that he didn’t give you in real life. No wonder your tears flowed and you were so affected by it...and it sounds like he’s a difficult and sensitive subject for your son too.

You are such a beautiful, deeply compassionate and intelligent person. Anyone would be lucky to have you as a best friend or friend.

Nevertheless, it must ache not to have that someone to talk to and share your ups and downs with in the offline realm...I was thinking...do you think maybe you could reach out to one of your beloved sisters? I know how close you are...

Plus of course you always have us here...we will hold your hand through anything...

Sending friendship, warm hugs, much affection and love from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxox

P.S. you’re most welcome.Thank you so much for joining in on that thread as well. It’s great to talk to you there too. I’m so happy that you’re getting something out of it 🙂

[Just Sara]

Dearest Pepper; (Hi everyone! Hope your day's going well)

Your first sentence although very caring and gracious, was a little off kilter; probably due to me neglecting to mention, my comment about feeling of no value on the lounge was referring to my past had it not been for you guys and this community of caring people.

I do feel valued and cared about...absolutely!

Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster which on the face of it was quite different to my recent norm. Looking deeper into it though, it was just another transition phase of my recovery. (Sheez! So what's new you say? 😉

As usual, you've tuned into the core of my greatest avoidance with graceful compassion and wisdom; loneliness.

Sigh, this issue's been around for what seems like forever and although I've done a great job at addressing it in real terms, the longing for companionship periodically comes around when I feel overwhelmed with my offline life.

Between my posts yesterday, your caring insightful response and helping my mum last night who's ill, it raised its head just enough for me to identify the culprit. My feelings resemble what was going on when I had to go to hospital last yr, although my MH is strong enough to cope this time.

I'm not saying to myself; "What's the point?" as I've learned this is a pathway to a self defeating internal monologue and subsequent suicidal ideations. Loving, respecting and valuing myself's far more important than to indulge in this activity.

Thankyou Pepper..

Peer support really does work. Your counsel is invaluable to my particular process of recovery. Sticking with me as you have was, is and will be a most welcome, insightful and interesting journey. You are irreplaceable..

Heart of hearts, this life and the next;

Love Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez (and a wave to all),

Your ability to self assess is, as always, one of your most remarkable qualities. I’m glad you got to the bottom of things and identified the culprit...

Your recent feelings sound intense and distressing, and your offline world sounds stressful, or perhaps more accurately, as you said, overwhelming. Perhaps, I wonder if helping your unwell mum unearthed some difficult feelings as well...

With so much going on in your offline realm, no wonder you longed for someone to open up to face-to-face...loneliness can ache after all...it’s a painful type of longing...

I think it’s a testimony to your resilience, newfound self love/self respect and determination (as well as a reflection of the enormous progress you have made) that you feel able to cope better this time. Your resolve not to cave into certain thoughts is very admirable and brave...

Thank you so much for the kind and gracious words too. I’m glad you got a little something from my attempt to comfort...

You can always talk to us here to just get your thoughts and feelings out. So many of us are sitting in your corner with a reassuring hand on your shoulder...offering love, safety and warmth.

Love always from my heart of hearts, this life and the next

Pepper xoxox

[startingnew]

Hi Sez,

i dont have much to add to what Peps has already said so instead ill send my love and some hugs for abit of extra support xoxox

[Just Sara]

thanks BW! Popping in means a lot. xoxo

Dear Pepper; (Waves to all)

As usual your amazing perception and comments are appreciated.

Not much time to write unfortunately. I just wanted to let you all know I'll be offline for a little while as things here progress. A lot's happening this week which is exciting.

I'll write here when I'm back so you know I'm ok. Wish me luck, though I don't know if I'll need it 🙂

Love Sez xoxo

[startingnew]

Good Luck Sez, please pop in when you can. Love and hugs xoxox

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez (and a wave to all),

You sound like you have a lot happening. Very busy indeed...even though I’ll doubt you’ll need “luck”, I’ll send you some anyway (just in case).

So here’s my well wishes, hugs and moral support 🙂

Love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi again,

Sorry, I forgot to add that I look forward to your update. Cheering you on with whatever this week holds for you...

Love always, heart of hearts

Pepper xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Sara,

I have been following your story and want to also wish you luck, and huge success, you deserve it all very much..

Please don't forget to take care of yourself beautiful lady..

Please, don't forget to take some time out for yourself, and just sit under that huge eucalyptus tree on a blanket or on the soft green grass, take a look around and see the huge variety of Australian birds flittering and bobbing around. Listen to their harmonious and unique call, I love the magpies voice oh and the laughing kookaburra, beautiful birds beautiful voices...How's the weather, feel the warmth of the sun on your skin, warming isn't it, then the cool fresh delicate breeze refreshing your skin just enough to feel alive and relaxed, Say outloud "hello universe"..then just sit and relax, deep breathing in and out....a few times.....ahhh okay lovely lady...you're all relaxed and ready to go...

Only the best of the best wishes for you Sara...

Love and hugs..💜🤗.

Grandy..