Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Sometimes I want to run and hide...

Escaping me isn't as easy as once thought I'm afraid. I haven't had any self loathing for quite a while, but when it hits, I take a gulp. My reality bug bites.

I look at your posts Dot and ask myself; "How can this young woman keep a constant vigilance over me with such calm and clarity?" You're always there...cheering me on...offering yourself up to the Gods in the name of empathy.

The force (brick wall) is strong in you...I still remember our first encounter when life was getting you down. I felt a sense of accomplishment knowing you came good. I haven't felt that since...what's wrong with you??? Ah ha ha ha ah....Sorry, brain fart.

Getting to know you isn't as easy as I'd hoped...the force is strong in this one master...

Sconnor out! xoxo (Amaze)

[Cornstarch]

You've time travelled Sara with respect to the self loathing.

Youre in a visceral emotional flashback that is lodged in your nervous system with someone else's home address inscribed in it.

The hardest part is that a loving relationship/s is what is needed to heal.

A previous poison is now required as present day medicine.

Thats the cruel irony.

Now go and get ya Jim Jams on

xxxxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sconnor,

Ouch, the self loathing sounds very painful. But I think Corny raised a good point that the bout of self loathing reflects your past demons. Still, it must be tricky to navigate the waters when a self loathing wave crashes.

I'm not too familiar with Star Wars but from the little that I do know, I knew that the force was a Star Wars reference. I literally had to google "the force Star Wars what is it?" ha, ha.

So from what I can gather, it seems that the force is essentially the life energy in all living things (?) Sorry, I have to admit that I'm slightly confused by your post. I'm wondering if what you're trying to say when you said "the force (brick wall) is strong in you" was I'm a little hard to get to know? Like I've built a wall around myself? I don't mind if that's what you're saying but I'm just kind of confused ha, ha.

I hope you find a way around this self loathing hit. It's hard when your mind/emotions knock you down.

Super virtual hug!

Stay amaze.

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Dearest Dottie;

Firstly, what were you doing up at 3am?

Yes, Star Wars...the 'Force' was a metaphor for our natural instincts and connection to 'all' things. Yoda, the little green creature, taught Luke Skywalker how to hone in on this natural gift, he said; "The Force is strong in this one" I suppose the geek in me used it to symbolise a brick wall or a protective force field around you.

I'd had some issues yesterday re relationships and was self blaming. Corny was correct in this instance; it's a flashback to my demon days. I was projecting my shit onto you...sorry darling. I think it was me who wanted to be surrounded by a protective field.

The confusion was all mine ok..again, Corny hit on the core...I need a proper loving relationship; in the flesh! I was sad last night. I can cope with sad, it's just that sadness creates a 'flashback' of sorts internally and I do tend to ruminate. Loneliness or feeling isolated can be a real demon.

There it is again damn it...that sadness.

Anyway, I hope all's well with your exams and study. Are you doing face to face full time or flexible delivery? That's what they used to call it...online I mean. I don't like class rooms. Personality clashes and frustrating lecturers. Blah! I can get more out of an online trip to the ABS than a full day lecture. I love research.

I did a Residential at Uni quite a few years back, and was shouted down by a very aggressive woman when I mentioned our intuition. The lecturer was actually scared of her; that did it for me.

Honestly, I know they carry on about 'grades' at uni, but in hindsight, it's about the piece of paper at the end that counts. That paper gets you into the right job, not how many distinctions you get.

Life experience and communication is far more valuable than any degree. Your application gets you a foot in the door, then you can shine at interview. That's where your power lies...being able to 'sell' yourself; marketing 101.

I miss work...

So have a great day lovely. Stay amaze yourself...

Warm and fuzzies...Sconnor xoxo

[Just Sara]

My lovely CornSpirit;

I want to cut and paste every word you've written! How absolutely spot on! The moment I read your words, it hit me with intensity. Bless you and your presence here C Girl.

(tears..) You so get it...you get me. There's no hiding from you is there?

You should bottle your wisdom...priceless

Sconnor xoxoxo

[Cornstarch]

I did do a longer reply Sista Sara,

Yes you need a loving relationship/s full of affection and lots of laughter.......no GP can prescribe that unfortunately, we have to put ourselves out there.

Feeling really shaky, and symptomatic, gonna take a break.

No hiding from Yoda-Corn. I suppose feeling like you are 367 years old inside has it's perks, and all of my life experiences weren't a total waster or annihilation.

xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sconnor,

Um I was up at 3am as I often wake up in the middle of the morning so it's nothing new ha, ha.

You can't keep anything from Corny- she was her typical perceptive self. Got right into the heart of it in Cornered fashion.

Ah thanks for explaining the force...yeah, I think it's a double edged sword when it comes to people in general. I guess it's hard to find the balance between trying to protect yourself and craving intimacy and love at the same time. I'm sure that balance exists but it's not always easy to find.

All good- no apology needed. You've been struggling and were just trying to get your thoughts/feelings out there. And in all honesty, I'm yet to meet a person who hasn't projected their personal experiences/feelings outwards at one point or another. I've done it (still sometimes do it) too 😉

Oh, oh ...sadness is something that I'm more familiar with than Star Wars ha, ha. That's my baseline emotion (also my mum's) so I hear you. It's a sucky feeling.

Your encounter with the angry woman at uni sounds pretty intense. No wonder you're not so keen on face-to-face (internal units). I'm glad you're enjoying personal research- there's a lot out there in the world to learn.

I do face-to-face. I prefer face-to-face (internal) over online (external). I enjoy being engaged in lectures and asking questions on the spot. Not to mention making friends at uni 😊

True, true...life and work experience plus interpersonal skills are very important in the workplace. I definitely agree with you there.

Although the importance of grades varies a lot between disciplines. I'm doing a double degree and my grades matter less for my commerce units (unless I want to work for the Big 4, which I have little interest in) than my psych units.

In psych, the nature of the degree is that it's competitive. The number of psych students far outnumber the honours places available, which is where grades come in.

My psych degree has honours embedded in it. My ATAR earned me direct admission into the honours stream. So I have a guaranteed place- on the condition that I maintain my grades. Don't maintain my grades and I lose the honours. Lose the honours and that means I have more limited future options.

So I need those grades to keep my place- sorry about that boring degree talk ha, ha.

I hope you're taking good care of yourself today. Matters of the heart and past demons can be tough.

Thanks! You stay amaze too!

Big virtual hug!

Dottie xxxxxxx

[Guest_322]

Greetings Yoda-Corn,

I don't know Star Wars very well but I do know who Yoda is...very fitting...you're definitely Yoda!

A break for you sounds like it's sorely needed. You rest up and recharge your batteries. Self care is a priority.

Be super kind to yourself during your break!

Dottie xxx

P.S. I've no idea how old you actually are (chronologically) but have you ever considered working with people around my age? You have a sassy, cool way with words and don't mind saying stuff like s**t so I feel people my age will listen to you. You don't nag or lecture but cleverly get to the point.

Anyway, just food for thought (no need to reply to my question but I thought that I would throw the idea out there).

You rest up now. Virtual hug!

[Just Sara]

Now I'm sad...really sad...lost my best friend to pragmatism

[Guest_322]

Aw Sconnor...

Big, big virtual hug and an avalanche of love from Dots.

Keep holding on (and stayin' amaze...even if it's very hard sometimes).

Dottie xxxxxxxx