Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Guest_322]

Sconnor,

Just a quick visit to drop off some well wishes. I know you've been having a hard time. In Wednesday's words- that I quite like- "don't let the beasties get to you."

Hugs. Keep bein' raw and amaze.

Dottie xxxxxxx

[Just Sara]

Hey D girl;

What a shumozzle that was! Argh...Sorry...didn't mean lost as in 'l o s t'. I meant the friendship was lost.

But it was a big fat misinterpretation of communication!!! What's a girl to do??? Sometimes not being able to read between the lines is sorta crappy. But then to act on it..!!

Please don't ask ok? God will be dragging it out of my mouth while I'm kicking and screaming at St Peter and those pearly gates. Talk about red faced and being triggered all over the place.

"Lucy...you got son esplainin' to do...."

Thankyou so much Dot for the wonderful words of compassion and caring. I hope I didn't worry you too much. I feel sooooooo stupid.

Love...Sconnor xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Sconnor,

Honestly, it's okay. Don't stress about it please...sometimes miscommunications happen especially if you're feeling emotionally vulnerable. Ha, ha I wasn't going to press for details so don't worry 😉

Take good care of yourself and keep bein' amaze.

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Hey everyone;

Getting to know you, or is that me?

I've recently had a period of confusion and triggers that had me to the point of self destruction. Is it any wonder with my past? I guess not. Relationships are hard work, and when the dust settles, one might be disappointed with the outcome or wondering why and how it all came about.

I've learned to self assess due to constantly finding myself in relationships that reflect similar one's in my past, and it urk's me to no end. I figure since I'm the common denominator, I must change me to avoid such things in my future. It makes sense yeah?

Choosing a partner has been seen as a 'chemistry' response first; being 'attracted' to someone. Once that alluring sensation occurs, common sense and rational thinking seem to go out the window. I'm trying to instil focus that promotes healthy decision making and problem solving habits; working from my head instead of my heart. (or loins maybe)

It's trial and error, but the basis is to be 'in the moment' and conscious of my words, feelings and intent. It reminds me of times I've been drinking and have made really stupid choices. The next day or some time later, I wonder what possessed me to go there in the 1st place.

Further to this, is the reality of having to deal with the fallout, and either being ruthless or gutless in cutting ties and getting some equilibrium back. The latter can be a huge fork in the road leading to situations that get out of hand and may snowball.

In essence, it's making appropriate decisions in the moment, drunk with emotion or alcohol; self awareness and focus is the key.

I've realised a lot of my 'goals' have been based on others instead of what I truly want for me. Working this out comes with frustration and disappointment, and can give way to denial, guilt and/or a lack of growth. But, it's a work in progress.

The 'wounded child' tends to be at the fore most times this all happens. Childhood fantasies or beliefs can grind one into submission in seconds if I don't stay 'mindful'.

So here's to self forgiveness, and the courage it takes to overcome old habits.

Love you all...Sara xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

First of all, here's a big virtual bear hug from me to you. Thought you might need one (even if it's a virtual one).

I'm admittedly no relationship expert, considering my age and how I've only had one relationship so far (we broke up earlier this year anyway). So I can only offer you my random, inexperienced thoughts (apologies if I'm potentially talking out of my arse)...

I think- for better or for worse- the heart wants what it wants, no matter your age, number of relationships, etc. We can't control who we are attracted to but I suppose we can control our subsequent actions. As in, feeling attraction and/or intense chemistry does not necessarily mean one needs to act on those feelings (much easier said than done, I'm sure ha, ha). Like, for example, chemistry alone isn't always a good enough reason to chase after someone or be with someone.

I think maybe that's where your point about awareness of your own thoughts and feelings at any given point in time- especially when The Feels are particularly strong- comes in. Head as the checks and balances system to make sure the heart doesn't get (too) carried away.

As you observed, this is especially tricky for someone like you with your traumatic past. I think that it's relatively easy to repeat familiar patterns because if you grew up admidst abuse and conditional love then you're drawn to it. It's all you knew. It's familiar. Familiar can be oddly (self destructively) comforting even if familiar ultimately hurts you. Moth to a flame.

And maybe there's even a part of one that seeks abusive, unhealthy relationships because she/he doesn't feel they deserve any better. There's a line from the movie- based on a book- called The Perks of Being a Wallflower:

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

I could be wrong but I suspect that is part of the struggle for you.

For what it's worth, you definitely deserve better. So much better. You've lived for others for years and years so now is your time. As you said so yourself, now is the time to figure out what you truly want. On your terms. Sara's/Dizzy's/Sconnor's terms.

Yup, here's to courage and self forgiveness indeed.

Here for you.

You really are amaze 😉

Dottie xxxxxxx

[Just Sara]

Hey and thankyou Dottie for your ever present sense of wonder and insight;

You're correct of course and again proving your worth as a psych major. All you've stated is spot on, and it's these things that urge me towards 'self change'.

The 'attraction' factor is the tell tale sign that one needs to be totally aware of situations and circumstances that 'remind' of the past. I once met a man I was so drawn to, I couldn't stop thinking about him. He so reminded me of my grandfather. As much as I loved my GF dearly, he was a destructive and violent man. It turned out this man was just as twisted and immoral.

The signs were there. I ignored them to my own detriment. The Universe gives guidance, but if we don't listen, we end up having to rectify, as I said earlier, a snowball tumbling down a steep slope.

So, I look in different places even if I'm uncomfortable. Places where nature and respect live; women instead of men; emotional intelligence and nurturing. Find what draws me there from within the 'best' of me.

The subtle differences between attraction to the past and then the future, is felt in our bodies. The adrenaline aspect of past fear, and the 'butterflies' of young love appear this way. Mind you, it's been a long time coming, but I've been graced with such flutters lately and it's about bloody time!

I accept your virtual bear hug with love Dottie; I give in return the only thing I can...my words of wisdom and admiration.

With a grateful heart...Sara xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Any time. Thank you for the kind and generous words 😊

I think that when I'm on BB, I respond and write using a combination of my gut, heart and mind. I mean, 99% of my responses have nothing to do with anything that I've learnt as a psych student. I would probably be saying the same things if I were, say, an engineering student or wasn't studying at all. Gut-heart-mind response (and on my dumber days: arse) remember? 😉

Yeah, you're right that strong attraction can sometimes be a red flag. I recall you once said that you have often mistaken fear for love- maybe that was part of what drew you to this man who reminded you of your grandfather.

Hey, self forgiveness and compassion, right? I hope you're not beating yourself up over ignoring the signs. It's hard to seek healthy relationships when you had a shaky foundation as a child/teenager. You said it yourself, you're "a work in progress."

My ex-boyfriend was like daddy dearest. Hey, they even had a similar childhood, which I didn't learn till after we were "officially" together. The dumbest part, which demonstrates my infinite stupidity? I instinctively knew this all along but continued the relationship for 2.5 years. Granted, I was a teenager but still...I feel so stupid about it now.

A couple of my closest friends in high school were like milder versions of my grandma. I've since severed ties with both of them. Even though it was the healthy thing to do, it still pained me to do it. Cut the umbilical cord.

The (close and best) friends that I've kept in my life are healthier examples of friendships (and healthier human beings in general). I turn to them as role models. Sure they're not as "exciting"'as my dysfunctional friendships BUT sometimes (over)excitement is another red flag.

Sorry, I hope you don't mind me talking about myself a little. I guess I'm trying to say- even though we have different experiences- that I can empathise.

Back to you now...

Good on you for throwing yourself in the deep end. I think unfamiliar territory is scary and intimidating but sometimes it's healthy to challenge old patterns.

I hope you find what you're looking for, and I hope this person (regardless of whether they are a woman or a man) is good to you. You deserve the world!

Thanks Sara. Your presence, friendship, intelligence and wisdom are gifts enough to me. Please don't doubt yourself and what you have to offer.

Enjoy the young love heart flutters 😉 Keep staying amaze!

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Hey D Girl!

You're welcome to shed your thoughts and past on here anytime my sweet. As much as I've come to enjoy this space to share, your presence has become integral in it's ongoing success. So share away!!

It's interesting how your insight and choices are so highly evolved. I know I say it a lot, but your youth and wisdom continue to amaze me. It's as if you're channelling something from the Universal Cunnin' Kit. lol

I wish I'd had the same ability when I was your age. My best friends were models of my mum and sister. Being so green and easily corrupted, I had them in my life for far too long.

But you know what? The self learning I gained from this has been invaluable. The same goes for all my dysfunctional relationships. The benefits to this, considering our ages differ greatly, is that I'm now using that info for change just as you are.

It's one thing to 'know oneself', it's another to 'act' on that information. Not for the faint hearted. We say that a lot on this site for very good reasons.

I'm also personally grateful for you sharing something of yourself with me. This is after called 'Getting to know you..or is that me?' Each time you share, it elevates us. By this I mean, the 'flow' of sharing creates an energy pattern that attracts 'function' and 'purpose'. Positivity in its rawest form becomes experiential. Like attracts like, so our positivity becomes stronger to the point of actually 'feeling' it.

It's all a matter of being willing to give and receive with purpose, respect, forgiveness and gratitude. More than this is not being judgemental of ourselves or each other. Those things combined equal 'love'.

So it's fair to say we've become close. I like this...

Thanks Dottie for your companionship and oh so lovely character and personality.

Staying Amaze...Sara xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Aw thank you 😊

I guess it goes without saying that everyone is different. Even if 2 people had the exact, same experience, their response wouldn't be 100% identical.

I think you did the best you could, given the circumstances and given what you understood/knew at the time. I mean, no one could blame you for ending up with best friends who were the spitting image of your mum and sister.

And as you said so yourself, all has not been lost because you've learnt from those painful relationships. No greater teacher than experience, right?

I agree with you that insight and action need to be on the same page. Like if you have one without the other, you're basically limping. The 2 need to cooperate so you can walk steadily.

I'm glad you don't mind if I sometimes chime in with a little something about myself. Thanks for the reassurance. I guess I kind of had to grow up (relatively) quickly ha, ha.

But in all honesty- in my offline life- I am naturally drawn to people that are not good for me. Various versions of my family members. It's something that I have to constantly keep in mind. I guess that brings us back to your point about self awareness.

While my closest friends are awesome, my myriad of random friends are of much more, uh, questionable quality ha, ha. But I'm actually okay with that because the important part is I know who I can and can't turn to when things are rough.

So here's to us sharing, growing, learning and being friends (and self forgiveness).

Glad you're staying amaze!

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Hey Dottie!

Lovely response and on point as usual. Your post gave me food for thought Dot, so I've been having a think about the attraction factor. (to and by) One personal thing came to mind.

Protective Instincts...

If I analysed my relationships re stereotypical labels like 'rescuer' or 'enabler' or 'victim' for instance, I could probably see a pattern. Growing up I took on the role of protector and nurturer to my younger siblings after my Nan died. She was the 'loving' backbone of our family.

For as long as I can remember, I've assumed I supplemented her absence. But after some deep thought, I actually think I took on the paternal role as well due to our dad being away a lot, and a threat to our safety while at home. My mum was volatile and unpredictable, so protection again was my focus. I threw myself under the bus many times for my sisters. (unknowingly)

When very young then into my teens, my 'pseudo brothers' had a massive influence on me developing a sense of self, as did my grandfather. The only times I remember having to defend myself against one of them, was being teased into tears. But that's what brothers do yeah?

My GF projected a 'tribal head' image of his huge extended family domain. He ruled with an iron fist; fear and arrogance was interpreted as strength and wisdom. While I was small, he nurtured with music, love, teaching and confidence. More than this though, was 'protection'. That changed the older I got.

It's no wonder I've ended up in situations where I stand up for others without thinking about my own safety, and going about it with a combination of masculine mentality, and Nanna nurturing. Complex dynamics within events when I look back, can mimic many of my childhood/adolescent memories.

Recently though, I've been trying to develop an authentic sense of who I was trying to be among all the trauma and confusion. So being attracted to men as well as my 'secret' love for women, has been my focus in 'outing' my forgotten repressed desires and the peace that lies within.

The concepts are complex, yet my mind is doing it's job to separate the issues to find calm and surrender. The common denominator to overcome? Hyper-vigilance.

I needed to write this...

I'd like to dot point, but I'm gathering the guts of it for experiential reference.

Great talking with you...Sara xoxo