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Getting to know you...or is that me?

Just Sara
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

1,846 Replies 1,846

Good morning lovely ladies;

No Corny...we're not orange, we're green like Kermit the frog. Going into hibernation for a long 4 yr nap until it's all over, and re-awakening to the sound of spring 2020. (Hindsight)

Although I won't be heading for Texas, I hear Canada is thinking of building a wall. Their mindset is far more accommodating to us green folk and less likely to lynch me when I get on my high horse...come with?

Hey D Girl...yes, I'm still in high spirits, though yesterday was a bummer so I stayed hiding in my woman cave to recharge and reset. I guess you're in exam mode? I find exams worrying for those poor buggers who panic and sink in the thick fog during head's down. It's no indicator of a person's intelligence, only their ability to answer questions under extreme duress; not everyone's cut out for it.

...In the wake of the US election tsunami, the value of currency has seen better days. I never did understand how global monetary evaluation works, but we're stuck with it. I still haven't 'looked' at the news broadcasts or papers etc. just snippets here and there.

I watched a doco on Trump's history of project management where opposition from pro active public members gazumped his efforts on several high flying pie-in-the-sky New York ventures, one of which went into liquidation. His arrogance and ego of course was his downfall...literally.

What came across loud and clear was his differing persona's in front of, vs behind the camera's. I've always suspected him as being a man willing to do/be whatever it takes to get what he wants. Now this isn't always a bad thing, however his focus seems to be ego self first...win at any cost. Let's just hope that cost won't be at the expense of vulnerable individuals.

I'm finding it hard to comprehend how someone with such sticky green-back fingers in so many corporate pies can hold office...conflict of interest comes to mind. But then what do I know? My voice isn't even a tiny bird's song in the distance.

In contrast...I'm enjoying this long awaited beautiful weather to dry out my dampened rain fuelled spirits and focus on that amazing 'blue' sky.

Gun in hand awaiting the fallout...Sara xoxo

Hi Sara,

I'm glad to hear that Agent Orange's rise hasn't dampened your spirits. Go Sara Conna! You're wise to avoid the news because you will cry (Dottie is devastated by it all).

Yep, I'm in exam mode. 3 exams next week then 1 more the following week.

Enjoy the gorgeous weather.

Stay amaze!

Dottie xxx

Sconnor here! ha ha aha...I love that name..hope it sticks

Hoping this post finds all here busy with enjoyable weekend activities. The markets at Newtown should be a blast Corny. I'm stuck here voting (local) and doing domestic bliss. Scorpio's love the nooks and crannies of discovery when cleaning out the cobwebs.

Last night I got the courage to confront a friend with some uncomfortable heartfelt truth re our communication. It challenged me to my core, but the response was more than I could've imagined. I'm so proud of who I'm becoming; I'm proud of my friend too.

I felt the frustration building, then instead of reacting, I used my 'feeling' words to get my point across. Sounds very self-help psycho babble-ish, but low and behold, it worked.

So Dottie, please stay out of the books and study notes this weekend ok? A brain break is necessary for preparation prior to facing the 'heads down' situation. Wishing you clarity and a speedy successful finish to the yr. Mwah!

Love you guys...Sconnor xoxo

Wilma1
Community Member

Just dropping in to say hi to you all.

Dottie, all the very best with those exams. Be thinking of you. Wishful

Hi Sconnor,

I'm glad you were able to have an honest conversation with your friend. I don't know the backstory but I guess sometimes we have to spell out what we want and need to get the ball rolling.

Well done for keeping your cool and finding the nerve to have this conversation! Ha, ha never underestimate the power of the feels...I think most people respond well to feeling words as they can soften difficult conversations. Tact is smart.

Thanks, I'm afraid that my head is very much in the books this weekend. 3 exams next week so definfely hitting the books ha, ha. I appreciate the well wishes! Almost there 😊

Stay amaze!

Dottie xxx

Guest_322
Community Member

Wait, technically it's 3 exams this week if we count today (Sunday) as the start of the week 😉

Hi Wishful,

It's always fantastic to hear from you! Thank you, I really appreciate your thoughtfulness. I'm almost at the finish line. Yay!

Dottie xxx

Hey D Girl!

You've got it bad girl...next week, this week..your mind needs a break. Go out with friends for a Sunday coffee at the local 'go-to' for some well earned respite from info overload. Just sayin'...

Thanks for the kudos re friendship woes; it was a necessary learning curve. However, I was hit with a backlash last night that kept me up till dawn. Won't go into it, I'm spent. But I did learn about my own responses and how to cope better. I'm staying amaze!

Hi Wishful!

You're so welcome to pop in whenever you want hun. Hope life's treating you well with lots of hugs, virtual or otherwise. You've got one from me...here ya are...smooch...cuddle.. You too Dottie!

Group hug!!! ;-D

...smooched out..

Sconnor xoxo

Hi Sconnor,

Thanks 😊

Last night must have been very rough. I'm glad you managed to still get something out of it, learning about your own ways of coping and what not. Hopefully things will calm down a bit and it will hurt less. If not, that's okay too...whatever you feel/don't feel is okay.

Thanks, no cafe break with my friends. Most of my friends are also in study mode so we have all been hitting the books, macs, printouts and other laptops (plus desks in frustration) ha, ha. Almost the hols..can't wait!

Random observation: your other thread on the Staying Well forum has certainly taken off ha, ha. Must be some sort of BB record relative to the time that it has been up 😉

Virtual hug back your way 😊

Take good care of yourself now.

Stay amaze!

Dottie xxx

Need to go off the grid for a while. Overwhelmed. I'm ok..just need to rest. Will be thinking of you all.

Much love...S

Hi Sconnor,

Rest up. Take good care of yourself 😊

Stay amaze (as always).

Dottie xxxxxx