Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[Fiasco]

Swap you a 4 years old and a 5 year old? 😜

[Fiasco]

I hide in my car in the garage! Just if I need a break from the screaming. My awful neighbour called the police once because of 'children screaming'. My 2 year old at the time was having sometimes 10 seizures a day, so yes, she was screaming and distressed!

[Fiasco]

❤️

[Quercus]

Hi Fiasco,

I really shouldn't but I had to have a chuckle about the neighbours calling the cops. I can just imagine them rocking up to our house and me answering the door in my pajamas at 5 in the afternoon and saying unless you're here to enfore the consumption of vegetables rule get lost! Haha.

Oh the joys of kids. And no thanks I'm pretty sure they get harder as they grow up. At least I like Paw Patrol 😊

[Guest_3712]

Hi Quercus,

I have responded to you on my thread To tell or not to Tell but just wanted to echo what White Rose had said. Don't worry about triggers on my behalf I mean I have so many I wouldn't be able to look at any posts if I got upset at everything, Besides look at how many of us have come together through these different but oh so same threads,

I think the thing that constantly amazes me is finding other people understand what have been and am still going through because as you know when you are in the grip of depression and anxiety you feel so alone like no-one could possibly get it and then you read someone's story and its like reading your own/

Like I said before You are a gutsy lady and one day maybe I too can say I did it and all went well. Time will tell

Take care

Stressless

[Guest_3712]

Hi Croix,

Your comments as usual gave me pause to reflect on why we do what we do here. I get confused a lot by my motives . Sometimes I just need to vent and know you and others like White Rose are listening with a calmness that often alludes me.

Other times I read posts like Quercus and Fiasco 's and think , oh no I am so sorry they are going through this and while I feel in no way qualified to give advice given my dismal track record, I feel compelled to share my experience in the hope that maybe they wont repeat my mistakes or if something did work for me that it might for them . Other times and I am loathe to admit it, it gives me a much needed break from focussing too much on my own stuff. But now Ive said that bit out loud it smacks of double standards . How can I encourage others to take on board anything I say ? Does that make sense?

Like I said in my post to Fiasco re hospital stays, it was a safe place to be just like here and largely due to the non- judgemental support offered by you and the other champions. And now dear Croix I am going to end this whatever it is without even re - reading it so if it is totally incoherrant which I expect is the xase then I apologise in advance

Take Care

Stressless

[Quercus]

Hi everyone 😊

Stressless: thankyou your reply means a lot to me. I think it's funny how what you see as gutsy I see as selfish (getting help because I can't bear pushing my loved ones away anymore).

Well... Tonight is the night. Psychotherapy begins. I'm not sure how I feel. Probably just building it up too much in my mind. I'm going to give a new medication a go as well. Have been really angry and anxious lately and can't focus on much.

Tomorrow I'm going to the block for a day of gardening with my kids so I've got plans just in case I fall apart. I think it will be ok.

I really want to get all of this poison out of my system. I find toxic little memories escape from the box in my head from time to time and make me feel like crap even though I've moved on and have a new life. I suppose I want to empty the box and burn the damn thing like I did to all his letters and gifts when I finally left him.

He is not going to control how I feel about myself anymore. He's not going to poison my marriage and how I see my husband.

I chose to marry my husband because I love him and he loves me. I love looking at my wedding ring every single day because it shows my choice. The beauty and joy of that overshadows the horrible feelings of being forced to wear a 'wedding ring' to show my ex's ownership of me to other men. So that's my plan. I'm going to let the good of my present be my focus. I can't change the past but I can choose to live in the present.

[CMF]

Quercus, i love this

'I chose to marry my husband because I love him and he loves me. I love looking at my wedding ring every single day because it shows my choice. The beauty and joy of that overshadows the horrible feelings of being forced to wear a 'wedding ring' to show my ex's ownership of me to other men. So that's my plan. I'm going to let the good of my present be my focus. I can't change the past but I can choose to live in the present.'

So beautiful and heartfelt. You are an inspirational, beautiful woman

cmf x

[ro63]

Hi Quercus ,you are definately not being selfish ,you need to take care of yourself too I hope the psychothereapy goes well ,and have a great time in the garden just make sure to plant some good memories when you are there ,and bury the box of poison you don't need it anymore ,Be well, Ross.

[Guest_3712]

Hi Quercus,

Hope all went well with your session . You are definitely not selfish although I do understand your thinking. You getting well is not only good for you but a bonus to those who love and support you

Take Care

Stressless