Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[The_Abyss]

Quercus - congratulations on having the courage not only to put the words in writing, but also speak with your sister.

When my girls were going through puberty (and other troubles!) car journeys were so cathartic - they were the safety zone when questions could be asked and answered, when one's attention was tuned to the road and so eye contact was impossible - that's where conversations were easiest. I can therefore understand how the car journey was able to become your confessional, how it was able to help you have that conversation. I'm sorry that happened to you, but I am so pleased you were finally able to have this conversation.

Hey Stressless - I have a journal entitled "the good, the bad and the ugly". My psychologist suggested I start it a few years back when I found I couldn't speak to those close to me. I am now up to my third volume, and it has saved me many a time. Just putting my words and feelings and fears into words is so releasing. I can tell the journal all the things I never have the courage to tell others. I'm not sure there is much of the "good" in there, just lots of "bad and ugly"!

Stressless, I started a thread a few weeks back called "when you were last truly happy" because I too couldn't recall a single happy memory. Since then, things have improved, and I have contributed to Croix's "happy" thread a few times. I believe one needs happiness to recall true happiness, and so contribute in those brief moments when life is travelling well.

And finally, dear Croix - good luck with the journalling. It seems to suit some and not others. Give it a go, and let us know!

TA

[Guest_3712]

Hi Abyss,

Thanks for your comments and I'm glad you can relate to the need to journal these difficult times- mine too has given me much needed release.

I will be looking at your thread for sure

Take Care

Stressless

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

Thanks for your reply. Yeah there is a lot to be said for no eye contact. My confessions always seem to be at the sink washing dishes, in the car and recently online (no eye contact there). I suspect that's why the psychotherapy involves the psychiatrist staying out of your line of sight.

I'm humbled that you took the time to write. I saw your return to work went ok. You've got enough on your plate as it is let alone supporting me. How are you feeling? Any progress on your assignment? Last year of study is always hard just think you're almost there! Take care of yourself ok. I'm thinking of you.

[Quercus]

I'm worried today. Not for myself.

For you Mary. And you Croix. And you Stressless.

I feel like I've brought you all down. Talked about things that might upset you. Butted into your conversation on Stressless' thread and just brought stress and worry with me. And brought you all down.

I learnt a little bit more of your story Mary. Does my thread bring up triggers for you? I feel like I should have asked earlier to all of you are there any topics I should avoid like the plague?

I don't need a reply am just putting the words out there. That I care about how you all feel. That I'm sorry if I upset you. That I admire you all (and TA and CMF and pretty much everyone that I've spoken to).

I've got to go. My friend called she is in the depth of the baby blues. So time to get chocolate cake and tea bags and go give some TLC. Wish I could bring you all cake and cuppa too. Virtual TLC to you all.

[White_Rose]

Quercus

I thought I took too many of the problems of others on board but you have beaten me in that respect. THERE IS NOTHING TO BE WORRIED ABOUT. YOU ARE NOT BRINGING ANYONE DOWN. Butting into someone's thread is what is supposed to happen. We do not have exclusive dibs on anyone or any thread.

I read your last two entries on Stressless' thread and her replies. Once again I am so proud of you. You never fail to amaze me with your courage and determination. No wonder your husband loves you. Those conversations with him must have been so hard to start and then to continue and open yourself to all the horribleness of the past. You can now rest assured that your husband does not doubt you or want to get rid of you. He's fantastic too.

Please do not worry about upsetting anyone here. We are all so happy you have made such incredible progress. Yes your previous experiences were horrid and we do understand them or have experienced some of them. But no one can be distressed by your story. Not much point of being here if we run away all the time. No need to avoid any thing.

And look at you. A friend is in trouble and you are off straight away to help. As I said before, you are one amazing woman. Thanks for TLC and the same to you.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear Quercus~

I feel like … just brought stress and worry with me. And brought you all down.

OK, this is a serious topic that should be addresses, not just for you Quercus, but for an awful lot of people here who worry about that, so please bear with me.

The whole point of this Forum is for people to help each other. We are not doctors, just people that have mental health problems – often serious ones.

So how can one get help, or help another here? The only way we have is to tell our experiences – both good and bad, and we have to do it in sufficient detail so that others can see similarities with their own problems.

It is no use just saying all the good stuff, the bad stuff has to be there too. When somebody struggles we relate and see ourselves, when someone gets though the bad stuff we all win.

Relating to someone else’s plight, learning from it, and also trying to help, are the things we’ve got - together with empathy and care.

There are many safeguards.

Most people have enough common sense not to write explicit material that they know will trigger others, and tone things down so the idea gets across without too much detail.

If something does slip though then software and human moderators weed it out. In the last analysis if something got though all that then everyone here has the ability to report a post.

So coming back to you Quercus, you are helping by putting up your story and by using your experiences in other threads to help. It is in fact necessary that you – and others do exactly that.

It is true I, or anyone, can be adversely affected by things, both here in the Forum, or out in real life. It is also true that one cannot always predict what will do it – I was listening to a Pentatonix song and had to stop.

Being affected, learning how to cope, how to deal with our conditions and life is a big reason why I and others are all here in these controlled safe supportive conditions.

Please don't worry, just keep going as you are

Croix (sorry for the long post, I wanted to make it very clear - anyway what did you expect from a walrus)

[White_Rose]

Hello Quercus

I have just recommended your thread and the last couple of posts on Stressless' thread to Fiasco. She is in a similar position to you and I think it may help her to know she is not alone.

Mary

[Quercus]

Ah Mary and Croix!

And this is why you're community champions. You have the experience and the words at the exact time they are needed. Thank you.

Croix you said...

It is no use just saying all the good stuff, the bad stuff has to be there too. When somebody struggles we relate and see ourselves, when someone gets though the bad stuff we all win

You're right. It is a good feeling to read a thread and think I could have written that. And then see how they cope. What they did. What others said. You're right.

And Mary you have such insight. Through you I've found Stressless and Fiasco and can see elements of my story and similarities in both (Hi Stressless and Fiasco don't worry I'll harrass you both soon no doubt 😊).

Thank you both. Psychotherapy is tomorrow so I'm a bit shaken up to be expected I suppose. Also the compliments saying I'm brave and strong have thrown me a lot. I know I should say thank you and accept the compliment so I'll just leave it at that.

Take care of yourselves and I'll write more when I can.

My friend is ok by the way...she didn't expect the emotions you can get with breastfeeding and let down. I hated breastfeeding bleh. 2 years of crying every time you feed the baby. No one warns you about that. Stupid hormones 😊

[Fiasco]

I feel the same - I can be fine as long as I shut everything away in my mind. As soon as I'm forced to think about them it's like opening a can of worms.

[Quercus]

Hi Fiasco!

Welcome 😊 I just posted a saga on your thread. Hope it doesn't scare you off!

Oh the can of worms! Some days I wish I'd left it closed up tight. And then I think stuff that! This is my life. And noone but me is going to decide my present and future (I can't change the past).

So the can of worms is getting tipped out. Then I'll spread the worms out and dig them into my garden so they can finally do some bloody good for a change.

Yep sounds a bit mental. I considered saying I'd stomp on the worms but I'm a gardener so the idea of squishing a worm repels me 😊

Anyway you're not alone and I appreciate you coming to talk Fiasco.