Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[White_Rose]

My very dear Quercus

A huge step indeed. I am so proud of you. How wonderful you were able to communicate with your sister and get out all the crap. And more, your sister knew and supported you. So now two family members can help and support you.

Yes I know about power and control though I have no idea about the wheel you refer to. I was almost in tears when I read your words. Such a long time to hold all that pain inside and believe there was no hope, no way out.

Well it's out now and will be easier to tell your psychiatrist. Together you can go forward and do so more quickly because you have the courage to tell your story. I expect there will be more sorrow as you work through this but not as hurtful. I'm ringing all the bells for you and flying the flag. Fantastic.

I am definitely sending a huge hug to you.

Mary

[CMF]

Dear Quercus,

What a huge step, i am so proud and happy for you.

I hope this i will start a process of you finding peace.

cmf x

[Quercus]

Thanks Mary 😊

I'm not sure how I feel. This morning I felt relief. I felt relief when I posted my comment. And now I'm not sure. I keep thinking I'm glad hubby and my sister know. But the stuff I wrote I feel awful putting that out for people to read. I know you said the chance of people recognising you here is slim. But putting it in words and re reading it was hard.

Back to wondering if I am overreacting. Doubting. I'm glad I took time off work I suspect I will just fall apart once I talk to the psychiatrist on Wednesday.

I think it will help me. Help me with improving my self esteem and self worth. I'm sick of seeing myself as pathetic.

Sorry enough about me.

How are you today Mary?

[ro63]

Hi Quercus, I'm so glad you had a great day with your sister, having someone close to confide in is so important and you are so strong for doing so.I hope all goes well with the psychiatrist on wed, I wish you all the best you are an inspiration more than you think ,Be well Best wishes Ross.

[Quercus]

Hi Ross,

Thank you for your reply. I've managed to tie my thoughts up in knots so your reply was really helpful.

I'm grateful for you reminding me there might be someone out there reading this today (or one day) who this helps. That is worth the confusion and inner debate.

I will get to your thread Ross! Haven't forgotten you 😊

[Croix]

Dear Quercus~

Your sister sounds lovely.

I think you will find that a couple you love understanding you better will really help. Not being gagged as you have been is such a release.

Your thread name is exactly right you know:

feeling-well-enough-at-last-to-find-my-voice-again

No need for me to say anything at the moment

Croix

[ro63]

Hi Quercus. Undo those knots immediately , because yesterday you took the biggest step of all ,so any others are baby steps and a piece of cake ,and yes there are people out there, including me who have taken a small slice of your immense courage , which it was by the way, so proud of you and I think all who know you and of your struggle would be too.So treatyourself to anything nice and put on the earmuffs for a while ,it's your turn for a bit, and I saw you in my thread I just have had a bit if a day of it today But I will tag you back later when I have gathered myself a bit thank you so much I appreciate it very much . Catch you soon ,Ross.

[Guest_3712]

Hi Croix,

Just reading through Quercus's post as it is something I can relate too also except in my case I fine I can write better when I'm feeling crap- my outlet I guess, During the really bad days it was my way of staying sane- get it out on paper or laptop and start again. I enjoy reading your 'Store your happy memories here' I just wish I could contribute- having trouble recalling genuine happy memories that weren't tainted with the other kind of memories. Sorry didn't mean to be such a downer or hijack Quercus's post

Take Care

Stressless

[Croix]

Dear Stressless (with a wave to Quercus)~

I made that thread with the intention that everybody could read it and get a moment's respite away from their black times, to remind them that there were good times out there too.

There was never any pressure on anybody at all to contribute, just read if they felt like it. So don't feel that you should write - as I said a few posts ago I did not know what would happen when I made it. I hoped some others would post, and that wish has come true - it's great.

There are many in the forum who keep a journal in which they write all experiences, memories and feelings that are a horrible part of their lives, so you are not alone.

Actually I'm still learning about my self and think I might follow that example and try to keep one too, I've no idea how I'll go, but if it helps you and others it might help me - dunno

Take care of yourself Stressless, I'm glad you posted

Croix

[Quercus]

Hi Stressless,

The more the merrier in this thread! Everyone is welcome here!

I'm glad to hear you enjoy Croix's thread too. I think it's great that you can journal when you feel down. It's such a good feeling to get it out any way you can.

I'll have to search for your thread and drop by 😊

Take care of yourself and hijack to your heart's content.