Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[Croix]

Dear Quercus~

I'm ashamed to say I've run away from my offspring when faced by overwhelming noise, emotion and general mayhem, leaving it to my wife on a few occasions. When I've returned she's very graciously told me that bringing up children is a 2-person deal, and that it was ok. Hopefully I returned the favor at times. Having your father in law arrive then and be able to take them was a pretty good thing to happen.

The reason (apart from the above) I'm talking to you is I haven't as yet thanked you for your lovely picture of your garden, the birds, and taking tea with your grandparents in:

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

It always makes me pause in wonder that people going though such hard and in some cases desperate times can reach into their minds to pull out something that may be a comfort to them, but is most definitely a comfort to others.

So once again - thank you Quercus

Croix

[The_Abyss]

Hi Quercus,

I think many of us have been in the same situation as you. I have locked myself away rather than hurting the kids when they were young, I have marched them to the neighbours, I even returned one to the hospital! They are little experts in pressing your buttons!

Sadly I don't have any tips for survival for you other than to utilise the resources you have around you. Just know we all hear you and care.

[White_Rose]

It's so affirming to know other parents have abandoned their children rather than lose their minds. I used to go to my bedroom. I think I have written this either here or in another post. I can tell you it was effective. My daughter told me they always knew this was the sign they had gone too far.

I always told my children if they started to fight, verbally or physically, to go outside on the grass so they would not damage the furniture or hurt themselves. I think they did not know how to take this at first, but gradually realised mother was not pleased. Sometimes it is effective to tell them to do something completely illogical. The shock of hearing such a suggestion usually stopped them mid-fight.

The other solution was to stand between the combatants and tell them what their punishment would be if they continued. No I didn't torture them, just made them tidy their rooms, wash up, or some other worthwhile chore, at least worthwhile to me. I would not listen to who had started it on the grounds that one started but the other continued.

I know this is not as successful with toddlers, though it is surprising how well they understand these basic commands. I often made them play in opposite sides of the room. After a while they would gravitate together and 'play nicely' though I never made it a condition.

Hope these comments are useful.

Mary (who loves her children, mostly)

[ro63]

Hi Quercus, your verey welcome I started one about a week ago, deppression is exhausting ,which as we know it is I was having a bad couple of weeks at the time but a little better now and also enjoy the bb social threads they are a nice distraction.

Best Regards Ross.

[Quercus]

Wow everyone!

Another outpouring of support. I'm so grateful and overwhelmed. I will respond individually when I'm able.

To Mary and TA and CMF and Croix and Zeal and Ross who wrote to reassure me my feelings were ok (normal even) my heartfelt thanks. It's reassuring to know I'm not alone and not a bad Mum.

Croix: I've told you before I love that thread of yours. It is a happy place. There's a new one I wrote today which I'll try post tonight.

Ross: I found your thread. I'm so sorry you are stuck in such a hard place. Using your son to hurt you is just awful I hope you can avoid that. I'm humbled you replied while dealing with that pain.

Zeal: I appreciated you reaching out to me even if you haven't been there yourself your mindfullness ideas were helpful 😊

TA: Am thinking of you and hoping you're taking step by step out of the abyss. Your words stuck with me about protecting your kids from yourself by taking time out. I feel ashamed about this often and appreciated your honesty noone usually talks about this. Thank you!

CMF: Seriously I am going to win one day at being last on Gruffudd's thread 😊 thanks for cheering me up when I least expect the comfort.

And of course... Mary: You are so very kind. Speaking to you and reading your words to others reminds me of speaking to my Grandma (I really hope that doesn't offend you... She was the most beautiful soul I've ever known and there isn't a day I don't miss her so I mean it as a compliment). Even in your own pain it's like you have a heart full of compassion and empathy for others. How are your joints today? I hope you can find even small ways to find comfort and feel a bit better in yourself soon.

Ok no more saga for tonight if I've missed anyone I will remember and probably harrass you later. 😊

[White_Rose]

Happy to be like your grandma because I am a grandma with eight grandchildren. My grandson has lived with me since he left school and got an apprenticeship not far from where I live but a huge distance from his home. I know, that makes me very old.

Got up early this morning so I thought I would pop onto BB and chat. Now it's 6:30 am and if I want to get to church on time I had best get dressed. Do you find it difficult to get dressed some mornings? I do and then realise how much better I feel.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Mary,

You're so right on that! A shower, fresh clothes (and a touch of makeup if I need armour that day) and I feel completely different 😊

I love going to church. I haven't been since my son was born. My parents refused to take us or lets us do religious instruction so I feel very out of place. But I used to lpve going with my grandparents who could explain what to do and why if I was lost.

I think it's great you opened your home to your grandson. People don't know what they're missing by not actually getting to know and speak to their grandparents. There is nothing my grandma and my nan hadn't experienced so nothing shocked them. It's a completely different relationship than with parents. Your grandson is very lucky Mary.

I hope you have a good day today Mary. I'm having a day off and going to explore plant nurseries with my sister. Can't wait 😊

[Croix]

Dear Quercus~

A pause in time. Nothing exists in this moment but us. A celebration of time passed and anticipation of experiences to come.

Somehow I get the feeling that you find, as I do, the task of recording can sometimes help. That was such a beautiful moment, I loved it.

When I started Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here: I had no idea what would happen, if others would find it a help, I didn't even realize that I would find a coping mechanism there writing fragments of happiness.

BTW I think Mary's grandson is lucky too

Croix

[Quercus]

Hi Croix,

You are spot on saying the task of recording is helpful. When I'm low I can't seem to write but when I'm in a good place it's easy. So I've started jotting down happy memories when they come to me. It is helpful to have them to reflect on when I'm struggling.

Even if it was unintentional I'm thankful that you came up with this. It's very therapeutic and reminds me there is so much to look forward to and appreciate in my life... Just on the bad days I'm unable to see it!

[Quercus]

Just warning I'm discussing abuse below so please don't read if that will upset you.

Made a huge step yesterday. Absolutely massive for me.

I spent the day with my sister and we slowly talked while driving. And I started actually talking to her. About the psychotherapy and why I need it and what I hope to change.

It took the whole day to manage to get the courage to get a single word out. Rape. As soon as I did she said my ex's name. And was quiet for a while. I asked her not to tell our parents. She nodded and said good idea cos my Dad would kill him.

And then she started talking. About her friend who lives in a situation of domestic violence and how she has been trying for years to explain to her friend that domestic violence is not just physical harm.

She knew about the wheel of power and control. I told her I get so confused because I say the r word and then immediately go to say... Oh it wasn't that awful he didn't mean to.

She told me from her point of view how she'd watched how he would manipulate me, carefully word everything until I admitted I was at fault and felt guilty. She talked about the wheel and how people like me like her friend just don't realise all the things on that wheel are being used to control them. To make them feel powerless and at fault.

I realised she was right. I remember him telling me he didn't hear me I should have spoken up. I should have pushed him away. If I had been truly upset or in pain I would have been more vocal.

It's such a relief. I've told my husband and my sister (and all of you I suppose) and it's taken me 15 years to do this. I can tell the psychiatrist. I will move on from this. Not quite sure how that's going to work. But the words are out there now.