Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[The_Abyss]

Hi Quercus, just dropped in to see how you are. How did the therapy session go last night?

The sun is shining here and I am working inside with the sun streaming through the windows. (Hmmm, wait, actually, I should be working but have detoured to BB again! Oh well, there is always tomorrow!) I am thinking of you in your garden, attacking the stubborn ground, burying the poison and using it for compost to grow the most beautiful plants. I'm imagining tallness and colour, and an area of peace and tranquillity. I'm imagining little girls with grubby hands and grubbier faces, the smile lighting up their eyes as they play in the dirt, "helping" mummy dig and plant. I am imagining the bounty of your labours, and how good you will feel tonight, physically tired but renewed. Did you have a good day at the block? I hope so.

I do hope things were a little sunnier for you today Quercus.

Take care

TA

[White_Rose]

You know Quercus I am never disappointed in your comments. I understand compliments make you uncomfortable because you feel unworthy. Well join the club. I was discussing this very thing recently with someone who said exactly the same thing. Now this is a lady with lots of skills and a very senior job who you would think would be used to this. It's not just us little people. Her comment was, just say thank you. Someone has said something nice because they believe it. We need to realise someone with a more objective view can see you have done something good. And it's true. Quercus, you dun good.

How did your session go and your day at the block? Both productive I hope.

Sorry not to be around the past few days. My aches and pains came back when I stopped taking pain killers, so I have stopped being 'brave' and started taking them again. I went to the psychiatrist today and we discussed asking for help, who from, when we need to stop etc. It was very reassuring. As you said, the past has gone and we cannot change it. I will add that we can learn from it and understand how it has affected our present.

Just remembered this quote. 'Yesterday is history, the future is a mystery, today is a gift. That's why we call it the present'. I hope I got it right.

what you see as gutsy I see as selfish (getting help because I can't bear pushing my loved ones away anymore). Can you change your thinking on this to reflect that you are getting help because you want to stop pushing your loved ones away. How is this selfish? It's a reasonable thing to do. Selfish is going your own way without a care for your family. It's called substituting negative thoughts for positive thoughts.

I hope to catch up soon.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you all so much for your support. It means so much to me.

Mary and TA and CMF and Ross and Stressless it was humbling to see your responses this morning. To be honest I wasn't up to replying so I replied to other posts for a while.

Psychotherapy was... Amazing? Horrible? Intense? Cathartic? Painful? Cleansing? Confusing? All of these? More? I have no idea. But I'll keep going. I think it is the best thing I've ever done for myself. It's necessary. And I was ready for it after all this time.

An hour of sitting on a couch talking to a dark maroon painted wall. A quiet voice behind me. Such an odd feeling but strangely liberating. The words just poured out. I swore a lot. Didn't cry at all surprisingly. Hands shaking. Pale when I stopped speaking. And so incredibly liberated. And relieved.

When I got home hubby made me a cuppa and we sat out in the cold and dark sipping tea and talking. I told him more than I told the psychiatrist. Told him so he could understand properly. All the horrible detail. And he wasn't disgusted. He'd already guessed most of it just had been waiting for me to choose to talk about it.

So there is relief. Mary you were so right about that. But there's also a lot of raw emotion.

I'm changing meds so am in a bit of a bad place at the moment. It will get better. The new meds are stronger apparently. And I'll talk.

[White_Rose]

Dear Quercus

Absolutely well done. Yes it's hard but as you have already discovered, the rewards can be enormous. I am particularly impressed that you were able to finally tell your husband about the past. Together you can now move forward and be absolutely certain of your love for each other.

Not much to say except congratulations. No doubt we will catch up later. Now I am going to my exercise class.

Mary

[james1]

Hey Quercus,

A quick "Good on you!!" from me - sorry mega ill at the moment with the flu so I'm fuzzy as, but it sounds like the session was tough...but the good kind of tough.

James

[Quercus]

Hi Mary,

I was a bit stuck in my own head yesterday but you were so so right to encourage me to stick with the psychiatrist so thank you 😊

How are you feeling now you're back on the painkillers? It's good that you are taking them. It's absolutely awful being in pain all the time. Hope you're enjoying your class what sort of exercise is it?

[Quercus]

Hi James,

Sorry to hear you're sick. Hope you're all rugged up drinking soup and resting!

Good kind of tough

I like that expression. Very appropriate. It was exactly like that. A good workout for my mind 😊

Take care of yourself James.

[Croix]

Dear Quercus

You now have the three most important things in the world to help you.

Your own character and strength, that of your husband, and now your relationship with the psych and your ability to use it.

While I don't imagine the path will always be a smooth one I really feel good and full of hope for you when reading your last few posts.

Croix

[Quercus]

Thank you Croix that means a lot to me.

How are you holding up? You've been very quiet lately. Are you alright? Hopefully it's just been that Sumo cat has taken to sleeping on the keyboard but if you need to talk we're all here 😊

[Guest_3712]

Hi Quercus,

Just wanted to add my congrats to everyone else's. Yes it is so liberating and mind relieving to finally to tell someone all of that stuff we manage to hide away. Good on you ! Each session will hopefully bring you more and more answers, learn things about yourself and others and learn how to live with the past but live in the present and look forward to the future.

Plus you have your husband on board , this will only make your relationship stronger I'm sure - so happy for you.

Take Care

Stressless