Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[Quercus]

Arrgh two steps forward and then a big long slide backwards...

Had a bit of an argument with hubby. He's worried about my investment on the forums. Worried I'll take everyone else's problems on board (I do tend to do that). Wants me to check with the psychiatrist that being on here is good for me. Want me to consider maybe just sticking to the social threads and positive threads until I feel a bit better.

I know he has a point but I keep thinking about something he said... That I need to be very careful about commenting and trying to help others when I'm not in a good place myself. That threw me. Have I done harm on here? I hate the idea that I might have upset someone vulnerable.

I'm seeing the psychiatrist next week so I suppose I'll ask then. I thought I was doing better but I'm back to the weird mood swings. I spose it's just start again. Small steps. Sigh.

[The_Abyss]

Quercus - I can only speak for myself, but your kind words in the darkness are always a welcome contribution.

I am sorry you have had this disagreement. Do YOU feel better or worse after being on BB? That should give you your answer.

when I was young, chat lines were all the rage. I would often stay up for hours chatting to others in a similar situation because they made me feel " normal". Then came Facebook.... another escape, the fantasy world where everyone is always having a "good" time! Now BB where it's ok to be "me" again.

because my hubby isn't part of my world, I restrict my BB when he's asleep or working, or otherwise occupied. Not honest, but part of my issues.

if the social side of BB helps, stick there. If offering hope and kindness to others in need helps, then keep doing what you are doing. Would it help to explain how it helps you to hubby?

Wishing you happiness and sunlight.

TA

[Croix]

Dear Quercus~

Firstly your thread is 'positive'

Secondly as you might realize I read a lot of threads. Your posts (I probably have seen most if not all) to others have been a positive influence, that does not mean 'cheerful', it means people have gained in a good way.

I know where our hubby is coming from but that is a superficial view based on lack of experience (rather like condemning an artwork/book when still unseen/unread)

When I first came here I was rather overwhelmed with sadness while just scanning tons of posts. Now that I interact with people that is no longer the case. I see everyone here as real people and while I tend to hurt when they do, I am also gladdened by their presence, courage and recoveries. Also by their desire to smooth the path of others.

People -you, me, TA, almost everybody -need to give as well as receive. Ask your psych.

Croix

[Croix]

typo -sigh your hubby, not our hubby
C

[Croix]

Dear Quercus~

Looking back on what I wrote I was perhaps a little harsh in relation to you hubby, I can see where he is coming from, and I'm sure he wants the best. So I apologize. It is simply until one experiences this place it's just about impossible to judge what it does and the effect it has on those here.

Croix (who has taken up entirely too much space today)

[Quercus]

Thanks Croix and TA,

I needed that reassurance so thankyou (still going to chat with the psych though).

After a little sleep (bleh night shift) and reading on TA's post about using the internet to escape I think I get where hubby is coming from. I deleted facebook etc because it was an obsession. It stopped me from being 'present' in the real world.

I'm doing the same here at the moment. Escaping online at a cost to the people in my life. I agreed I'd limit my time online and to be honest I haven't done that. I agree TA that I feel good about the forum and I agree with Croix that it's important to give to recieve support. It's just a matter of balance 😊

By the way sorry Mary I haven't forgotten your reply about your garden it sounds amazing and I will reply soon xx

Thank you all 😊

[White_Rose]

Quercus

I believe it's a matter of degree. There have been some folk who have become sort of addicted to BB. One person was told by her psychiatrist to stop writing here. Though I think it was more because it interfered with her therapy.

I very much doubt this is you. You have received heaps of help and support here according to you. No one has tried to be your psychiatrist or psychologist. We have all talked about our own experiences, what helps, what doesn't etc. You have been accepted here without judgement and I think this has been great for you.

You have also given words of encouragement to others and that takes a lot of doing at times. It is good for all of us to consider how to help someone else and it makes us feel good.

You have practised telling others about your difficulties and this has helped you to talk to your husband, no mean feat. Your psych will discuss with you if he/she thinks you are spending too much time here. There are times when we cannot answer a post for all sorts of reasons. Speaking personally, I sometimes read a post, realise it is upsetting for me and move on. You are able to do the same.

I think it is less likely you will take the concerns of others to heart too much. We are more likely to become too engaged when we meet with someone physically and often. There is an element of comfort in being physically in the presence of another person that is not available here. We also do not have usual type of conversations here. It is often several days before we can give or receive an answer, totally different to meeting for a chat and coffee.

I know I get concerned about the people I know. Doesn't mean I am not concerned for the people on BB. It is different. If we are tired, upset, having a bad day at home we will make ourselves get up and meet with others. Here we can leave the answers for a short while because here there are others to take up the slack, so to speak.

In short, this is a family which cares about all its members.

Just returned home and discovered I had not posted this or switched my computer off. Yeah.

Mary

[CMF]

Hi Quercus,

I hope you don't mind me dropping in here. You have been so supportive to me i wanted to find you and try and give you the same support.It is such a journey isn't it, one step forward, couple of steps back, thinking , re evaluating but you are making progress. I'm so glad that you have a husband who knows you are on the forums and goes out of his way to help you and try to understand. As far as the argument you had about being on the forums I can see where he is coming from but i also think that being here and helping others helps us help ourselves. As far as absorbing the negative energy of others, i personally believe this happens when we are in the presence of others. When i am around 'him' i feel negative and down i know i absorb his negative energy. On the forums i think we need to beware of reading things that may trigger or anxiety/depression etc but that goes for everyone here. The upside of being here is connecting with others who understand and benefiting from helping others. Your hubby is just concerned for you and wanting to help you get better so i hope you can resolve this and find a happy medium. If you do stick just to the social zone that is ok too. We know and recognise the contributions you make and if you chose to take a break from that it is ok.

cmf x

[Quercus]

Hi Mary,

You always seem to have the words that speak to the heart of my worries! I'm relieved to hear the story about how there have been people addicted to the forums and that I don't seem like that.

Today was a day of moderation. I tried to stick to a few comments and then put the phone away and be with my kids properly. And I had a much better day everyone was happier for it. So moderation is the key I think. And avoiding threads that may be difficult for me to read. So thank you for your advice.

I like how you talked about people all chipping in to pick up the slack. I think I was worried if I started talking to someone and then was offline for a few days they might feel hurt so its a relief to hear that too.

How are you going? Any news from your tests? I hope you are feeling alright in yourself! I told work I'm dropping back a shift I don't think the extra night shift was doing me any good and my joints suffer a lot after being on the concrete floors all night (thank goodness for tiger balm!). Pain is such a tedious thing isn't it!

Your garden sounds beautiful I havent heard of a snowflake tree though will have to google it. I don't know much about transplanting grass trees if I remember I'll ask my Dad when I see him (he's moved a few on the farm over the years and they've survived).

Take care Mary 😊

[Quercus]

Hello again CMF 😊

Of course you're welcome here the more the merrier!

Thanks for your comments they make a lot of sense to me. I'm avoiding all the triggers I can on here it's a good thing to have the moderators I think.

Yes I am very fortunate to have my hubby's support. I keep telling him he's welcome to read my posts even gave him the username but he seems content to give me my space and privacy which is nice too. I am sorry that you don't have a similar support like this though. But you seem to be coping a lot better lately with your ex. Do you have much support apart from on the forums?

Hope to talk to you more soon 😊