Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[Quercus]

Oh my goodness Mary you are the kindest person! Fancy writing that supportive and wonderful reply even though you are hurt! I hope you are resting and getting some pain relief and the blood test tomorrow isn't as difficult as your last one was. Is it alright if I ask what happened? Of course you don't have to say if you don't wish to though. I'm thinking of you and hoping you're not feeling down about the pain limiting your movements (the restriction on my movement was the hardest thing I found to deal with until my meds started working for my PsA).

Your bonfire idea reminded me of a memory of the relationship I'm going to talk to the psychiatrist about. When I'd finally left I took every letter, photo, diaries... anything that reminded me of him in the slightest and burnt them all. So when I read your post I remembered breathing in smoke, watching his handwriting burn away and feeling free. So thank you.

I've decided not to write at all. I couldn't sleep last night and in the morning I had decided the problem can be summarised by asking one simple question... What is the definition of rape within a relationship?

So I asked my husband. His reply validated my feelings and reaffirmed to me that I've been truly blessed to find my soulmate. I was so relieved to find the question just rolled off my tongue and immediately he knew what I was struggling with and what to ask. So I'm going to do the same when I speak to the psychiatrist. It's one little question. I can deal with asking the psychiatrist one small question.

I don't expect you to reply Mary (honestly I don't want you to hurt even more trying to type so please just rest ok). I am surprisingly fine and it's only a week and a bit till my appointment. I think you're right that it is going to be absolutely awful but getting this out of my system and out in the open at long last is going to help me a lot long term. It is enough that I know you are listening 😊

Take care of yourself Mary and hopefully you feel even a little better soon.

As always, thank you for being here for me. I appreciate it more than I can explain.

[Quercus]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for your reply and your advice. I've been trying to convince a friend with depression to join the forums she really doesn't know the kindness and empathy she's missing out on here. So thank you.

I'm grateful that you said the psychiatrist won't think I'm stupid or overreacting. That just reaffirms how my hubby responded and makes me even more sure I will be able to get this question out to start the discussion.

I'm glad you're enjoying Jon Bellion! I love his music best with headphones on and nice and loud so I feel immersed in the songs. I read your Croix Parler thread and I'm not as much a music connoseiur as you I think 😊 But I'll try put my 2 cents in when I find something worth checking out on YouTube.

Hope you manage to have a sleep and recharge. You do so much good on these forums you must be exhausted 😊

[White_Rose]

Wow, what a turnaround. May I be a bit sneaky and say you have come to this conclusion by writing about it? 😊

My wrists are bit easier this morning because I have taken my painkillers. The blood test is to see if I have a viral infection given to me by a friendly mozzie, something like Ross River Fever, though I hope not. My psychiatrist thinks it could easily be stress and anxiety over an ongoing situation. It feels like arthritis but both my GP and physio are not convinced. Leaving in a few minutes. The pathology nurses tried yesterday to get some blood but again my body refused to co-operate. This morning I have kept very warm and drunk a lot of water, so here's hoping.

Congratulations for finding the right question.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Mary,

Fingers crossed your blood test goes to plan! Good luck. I'm glad you've got a bit of pain relief today and I hope you get some answers soon. If the GP doesn't come up with anything do you think you'll see a Rheumatologist? My Psoriatic Arthritis (PsA) flare ups don't show up in blood tests and the Rheumatologist said that is fairly common so they go by the pain and swelling in my joints instead. Might be worth a try if your blood test is inconclusive.

Haha yes thank you for encouraging me to write. It did help me a lot to look at all my scribbles and crossed out words and then to realise the one word that I was refusing to put on paper. So thank you Mary and Croix. I'll let you know how I go once I see my psychiatrist.

Mary you mentioned it may be stress and anxiety related. Of you need to talk about anything please know I am here. I meant to ask if you have a thread of your own I'm not very good at finding things on here so could you point me in the right direction?

Take care 😊

[White_Rose]

Hello Quercus

Thanks for your good wishes. Keeping my fingers crossed, or I would if it didn't hurt. I do have arthritis which has been well controlled for several years and I thought this is what was happening. The pain keeps moving round the body which makes my GP and physio wonder if it is a virus. Also there is little or no inflammation, which is good but tends to rule out arthritis flare up. Hopefully I will have an answer soon. The body behaved this morning and the requisite amount of the red stuff siphoned out.

No I don't have a thread of my own. I like talking to lots of people and I find when I have a problem I blurt it out to someone, have a chat and move on. This particular problem has a history and I am simply caught up in the process. I feel I cannot talk about it here, not because of any lack of trust in people like you but because it is such a public document that anyone may read. I don't know if I am making it better or worse by being a bit cryptic. I am happy to talk about the various happenings in my life when posting to others if this is useful.

Thank you for your offer to talk, much appreciated. May I ask your indulgence on this? I have a number of people caring about me and I consider myself very blessed.

By the way, did you know Quercus is an oak tree? I think that's very appropriate for you.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi again Mary,

Good to hear the blood test went better this time. Do you have to wait long until they have some answers for you? I hope you're managing to get some rest.

I'm not worried about you choosing not to have a thread. I'm just happy talking to you and you're most welcome to share this one with me 😊 I worry too about my thread being so public and my whole story being accessible in one place but I figured I need the support so I'll just have to hope I stay anonymous.

Oh and I smiled so much at your last comment. Oaks are my favourite tree that's why I chose this name. I love gardening if it didn't pay so poorly I'd go back to nursery work. My garden has gotten me through some very hard times. I love growing plants from seed or cuttings and watching them grow. Currently I have 25 bougainvilleas that I'm going to train into Standards. Not having any money they'll make nice presents by the time birthdays arrive. Sorry you chose the one topic I could talk about all day 😊 I burst into tears when I saw Kanga's virtual garden. I felt like someone had created a place to guarantee I'd stay here haha.

Anyway I'd better get to sleep. Take care Mary, I'm thinking of you and if I could wish the pain away I would.

[White_Rose]

Hello Quercus

Perhaps you can change your picture to an oak tree.😊 Is it a fox or cat at the moment?

I think your anonymity on BB is secure and so is mine. So whoever reads our various stories is unlikely to say "Oh, she lives next door to me".

My garden was a great help to me and still is in many ways. I find I cannot work outside in the summer, and Qld has had such a long, hot summer. I am working out how to re-landscape the garden so that I do not have a lawn. My lovely gardener man will do the hard work while I play the helpless female. What I want to do will cost money so I am resigning myself to changing a bit at a time. I am not a patient person so I need to draw diagrams and work out in general what to plant where. My back garden is about 10m square so not a huge plot. I like the idea of beds with plants at different heights for interest. I love watching Gardening Australia.

I may get the test results tomorrow but if not I will need to wait until Wednesday. Now there's a test in patience. I am feeling so much better today and wonder if it is because all I have done is go to church, sit and read, have a nap and write on BB. I even feel like cooking tea.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Mary,

Thanks for reminding me it's a safe place here, I needed that.

I'm glad to hear you had a better day! There is nothing better than having a day of rest every now and again. I like going to church too but I haven't been able to go for a long time (I found I'd be a bit overwhelmed and end up sobbing in the car the whole way home every time). But I'll get there eventually 😊

Garden designing is so much fun! I love drawing up plans and getting out my books to choose plants and features. Do you find it helpful having a project to keep you busy? Getting rid of lawn makes sense in our climate but I'm attatched to it so I've compromised for a small area of lawn. I've planted creeping thyme as a lawn substitute in other areas which looks really pretty and my bees absolutely love it. What are you planning?

I'm feeling a lot better today too. Trying to start applying some of the things I've learned from being on the forums. I'd never known about triggers and have started noticing patterns in myself and when and how I react to certain situations.

Last night I got to a point where I was close to another panic attack. When I get anxious I unconsciously bite my nails and hubby had been nagging me to stop. Him getting annoyed and nagging reminded me of the toxic relationship at uni where I'd learnt to expect to have my hands restrained or smacked and to beyelled at and told I was revolting if I started biting my nails. So part of me was expecting hubby to lash out at me.

So I told him that. It was such a relief to recognise a trigger and put it into words. My husband said he wants me to do this more often even if it's just saying "something you're doing is a trigger at the moment" and I need you to stop.

And the floodgates just opened and I was able to talk a little about some of my hurtful experiences and tell him I'm confused about whether I'm overreacting and whether it was abuse. And I talked about the feelings of shame and guilt and self hatred. He said it explained so much about how I seem to explode sometimes and react unexpectedly to things.

Best of all he said he didn't think I was pathetic at all.... just that I had been 17 and alone in a city with noone I knew to ask for help and someone I should have been able to trust had manipulated and taken advantage of me.

So I feel good today. I feel like I've taken the first step towards empowering myself.

As always, thanks for listening Mary

[White_Rose]

Oh Quercus, I am so happy for you that you have broken down another barrier. It sounds like you and your husband had a huge discussion with a fantastic outcome. We don't think you are pathetic either. You have worked so hard to get to this position, how could you be pathetic. Many, many congratulations. 😊

Ah yes, triggers are the pits. How great you are learning to recognise them and trace the source. They lose so much of their power when brought into the light. Please tell your husband he is as great as you.

I have never really tried to design a garden before. I feel that if I make some plans it will stop me rushing out and buying plants etc that are not suitable. At the moment I have a raised bed on half of each side of the garden with a short raised bed at right angles at the end. I have a paved patio with roof and a garden bed at the end of the garden. I'm planning to put tall plants in the back. I have a Ponytail tree which I love for its shape and a snowflake tree which has the softest leaves and blossoms. I put a seedling from this tree into a pot but it has now outgrown the pot so I will plant it next to its mother. That will fill up the back row.

I love natives and have two grass trees. They have been remarkably resilient and have started to generate offspring plants. I need to find out if I can divide them and how. A bit scared at the moment in case I kill them. Don't laugh. I would be a rich lady if I had the cash I spend on plants that die. I would like a few flowering plants but the flowers do not last so I tend to go interesting foliage plants. Moses in the cradle grows rampantly, is useful as a filler and has lovely green and purple leaves.

I have been successful with Strelitzia but anyone can grow these. Very hard to kill. My front garden is covered with large, white pebbles, enough to keep the weeds at bay. I have a dozen or so large rocks set in the pebbles with a Yucca tree in the middle. I toyed with the idea of a cacti garden but decided against it in the end. There are lots of dry garden plants also and I will leave it as it is.

Yes, projects are helpful. I have a bad habit of becoming immersed in a project to the detriment of everything else. I need to plan my days better to have outside contact as well as quiet times. Tomorrow will be quiet as it is Anzac Day. I am getting tired and I need to write some emails so will save that for tomorrow.

Carry on being amazing.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear Quercus~

I was just going to come over here and thank you for that really great I could stay like this forever mind-picture in

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

However I also saw your latest post, about biting fingernails leading to a better place. I'm really happy for you. Best of all your husband asked you to say when it happens again. Gold.

Croix