Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Jay my dear friend,

Wishing a Merry Christmas to you and your family. You are a constant support to myself and others and i hope your dayis peaceful, joyous and brings you happiness.

CMF x

[CMF]

Thank god it is over.

Lunch was nice turkey and hams, salads and deserts. One my way to drop off the older kids at 4.45pm i passed 'his' house. Still not home so I don't how he thought he could take little miss to lunch with them and then drop her off to me by 4pm. In Fact it would have to be earlier as i needed to leave at 4pm. He added later after we disputed that he could drop her off. Clearly crapping on trying to make it look like it would work when he knew he was wrong. Maybe they had to go out later and that's why he didn't like my suggestion of him taking her to their house later but they've never done that before, still, how could he have brought her to my brother's on time when he has no car of his own? It was never going to work. Took older kids to their aunty's on thier dad's side and dropped them off. As i turned into the street their uncle and dad were on their way out to get something.. Their uncle said hi and he'd be back in a few minutes, their dad did not even look at me, looked away. When the got back he gave the kids $50, he told them he was giving $100 which he usually does but he gave $50 but spent $500 on Gucci for his gf. He then showed them photos of the lunch they had at his sister's - lobster and seafood and and said 'look what we had for lunch. Did you get that for lunch?' Insulting my family in front of his too now. Arrogant pig.

It's too much, I can't deal with them.

[CMF]

In fact 'he' hasn't even made contact, not even to wish his little girl merry xmas. He knew what time we'd be home. Maybe they have gone somewhere else but as always he never explains or gives you the full story.

On a positive, my girls loved their gifts and our KK game was so much fun. Everyone buys a gift and puts it under the tree.You draw a name and that person picks a gift and unwraps it, the next name drawn can choose a gift OR steal the 1st person's gift. Third name drawn can choose a gift or swap with one of the others and so on. We did 3 rounds of choosing names so rounds 2 and 3 you can keep your gift or swap a gift. It was so funny as a couple of gifts were popular and kept getting stolen/swapped, it was so much fun. Only $20 limit but you can get some great things for $20. I ended up with gift containing a bottle of wine , chocolate(which little miss took), nail polish (which teenage daughter took) and a coles voucher. My sister ended up with the gift she bought lol. I was very happy with mine. It's all I got for xmas but it was enough. The fun we had was the most important thing.

My son was annoying me, bit of an attitude but we laughed in the end as he got 3 bottles of cologne from my side of the family- all David Beckham. I have a nephew named David whom we don't see often and on the way home my son commented how much he likes his cousin David as they have a lot in common despite the big age gap. When he got to is aunt's house he messaged me he got another bottle of cologne. I asked jokingly if it was David Beckham, he replied no Davidoff. "Bloody David" he said to me. I told him, lucky he said he likes David and I couldn't stop laughing.

These are the memories I will keep of this xmas. Not the picture in my mind of my ex husband stuffing his face with lobster, cos that aint a pretty sight lol.

cmf

[CMF]

Maybe 'he" had somewhere else to go tonight that was more important than seeing his daughter? Oh well his loss. Not going to chase him.

Just think of David hahaha

[blondguy]

Thanks Country Music Festival for helping out so many over a difficult time. I just didnt expect to fade as badly as I did over the break. I have always been physically fit but I wasnt ready for the exhaustion....whether psychological or physiological it caught me unawares

I have absolutely no concept of where you find the time to help so many especially over such a difficult period

CMF>>>>Country Music Legend....(CML) 😉

My Kindest and thankyou

Paul x

[CMF]

Hey Paul,

oh shucks, thank you 🤗. I enjoyed being here, I consider it part of 'my time' plus I made some new friends! We did really miss you, I hope you feel better real soon, we still have NYE to get through, another tough one.

i just watched Pitch Perfect 2. Have you seen it? Love acapella.

CMF x

im so happy to see you back.

[blondguy]

Pitch Perfect 2.....Ive seen the trailers and they are funny..If you recommend it I will have a look see 🙂 I have Foxtel Platinum but not unlimited data for Netflix or Stan....I use my Sony Xperia as a 'hotspot' for my ancient PC to hook up to.....I have 13Gigabytes/Month through Vodafone and its more than plenty.....with downloads and my Beyond Blue activity

I dont stream anything off the internet....maybe the odd wallpaper or avatar...I have been downloading my MP3 music tracks off the internet since 1995....My 20 Gigabytes of music is enough.....lmao 🙂 Miss you guys too

Your heart is true and a gift to so many Country. Love your avatar by the way!

I will watch Pitch Perfect 2.....and take note re Acapella 🙂 Ta for the heads up too!

Paul x

[white knight]

Hi CMF

In terms of meeting people, having inlaws etc I consider I'm very experienced. Ive concluded that families can be very different.

In school some 50 years ago now, my best friend was always late, whereas I was always early. As our friendship lasted another 40 years cracks began to show. When we arranged to meet, he was still late, up to an hour. I was still early, usually 30 minutes. Eventually about 6 years ago we arranged to meet at a pub for lunch. He didnt show. When I rang him an hour after his arrival time he said he would be another 30 minutes as he hadnt finished polishing his car. End of friendship.

My point is, just like the thread I wrote "the frog and the scorpion" his nature of being late and me as a low priority would never change.

The father of lil' miss will never change. You have valid reasons not to persue legal avenues towards regulated visitations so your only alternative is the get the best out of who he is and altering your life to make him the least of your thoughts. Because he'll always irritate as will his family.

Its a big challenge but there is little choice. Once miss gets towards 16-18yo, things will be better with her mature mind.

That time frame will go in the blink of an eye.

Tony WK

[CMF]

Hi Tony,

Thanks for dropping by. Yes, your friend is exactly like 'him'. I still can't comprehend how people can have no regard for other people's time or no concept of time. We were going out for lunch one day acrosstown, takes about an hour with traffic. We were running late as i had to be back to pick up my daughter from school so i was getting a little antsy saying we will not have time. His mum said,'it only takes 1/2, you have plenty of time. It is clearly not 1/2 hour. They never consider city traffic traffic or the possibility of traffic jams, roadworks, accidents. We had lunch and it was time to come back but he wanted dessert. I had 30 mins to get back to pick my daughter in time. I said no, he insisted he won. We left the cafe at 3pm, him saying it will only take 15 mins to get back. She finished school at 3.20pm. He took a different route and there were road works, traffic stood still, my anxiety rose. My daughter was sitting in the school yard on her own until they asked her to wait at the office. 3.50 we got there, she was upset, probably embarrassed as I certainly was. Told him 'i do this every time, i said no then let you win. I'm Not doing it again.' Next occasion this happened was xmas 2016, i don't let him win, i question why we could not leave. In the end we left, still 1/2 late but i copped a mouthfl of verbal abuse for it.

I will not put myself in that position again.

'get the best out of who he is and altering your life to make him the least of your thoughts.', yes this is my goal for 2018 as Jay has also suggested. He does have good qualities, he can be quite good with her but he has a lot to do to prove he is trustworthy and responsible. I've accepted he will never change, id will haev to work on dealing with this and how i react to it.

Big challenge lol!

cmf

[velvetfaerie]

Pressure cleaner lol ....