Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Quercus]

Hi CMF,

Deep slow breaths. In through the mouth. Belly full of air. Hold. Out through the nose. Repeat. He has riled you right up that's clear. But the most important thing... You stood your ground. You gave him a totally acceptable option. If he wishes he can pick her up in the evening for dinner with his family.

You are being reasonable and fair. No need to look any deeper. Or analyse it. He is an epic jerk. End of story. Two days notice is not acceptable. He has been given an option. If he chooses not to take it so be it. His problem.

From what you've said about him he'll probably play the victim (or his family will). Oh she won't let me see my daughter on xmas day... BS! Victim mentality. You don't have to buy into it. Be firm. This is when she is available. Take it or leave it. Your flexibility involves him taking responsibility and planning and acting like a father. Otherwise you just make your plans and he can work around you. He doesn't like it? Tough luck! He's not your spouse.

He and his family are not your concern. In my view he's getting too close again. Arguing with you over sleigh or sled... Really? Saying you need to come see his family too wtf?

Easy way to end the conversation... I'm busy. You saw your daughter. We have sorted that you will come take her for dinner. Now I have stuff to do and she'll see you in two days. Bye. Show him to the door.

You are a strong and capable woman CMF. I'm back harping on about boundaries. I really do feel like you let him in as a friend because he sucks up and plays nice for a while and the more you let him in the more he just takes over. Then back to jerk features. Solution? Boundaries. He is no friend to you CMF.

No matter how you feel you should be civil for your daughter he is a tricky one. Is so manipulative and needs firm boundaries or he will just keep bringing you down. Protect yourself CMF please. You are in the right here. Please don't doubt yourself.

❤ Nat

[CMF]

Thx Nat,

Yes I am in the right.I was feeling bad for him but 2 days ago when he asked what i was doing there was no mention about their lunch, it took 2 days to think of it??? This again makes me question whether it is coming from him or if his parents are in his ear, pressuring him because most of what he does comes from other people telling him what to do. They may have suggested it and now he is trying to make it happen at the last minute.

'I really do feel like you let him in as a friend because he sucks up and plays nice for a while and the more you let him in the more he just takes over. ' Spot on. Sending her to lunch with them would be like sending her off with strangers. She doesn't know his parents well because he has not taken her there, but that is my fault, i should take her there because he is sooooo busy. She knows they are her grandparents but she doesn't know them. The smart thing would be for him to take her there for a visit or dinner on a regular basis so she can get to know them and then build up to taking her for easter or xmas lunch. He always says oh she has to get used to it. Yes she does but he needs to work up to it, not think that taking her out and spending 8 hours with her in one day is going to make up for almost 5 years of not spending quality time with her.

I did give him an alternative which would work well. He Could also take her there tomorrow, xmas eve, but no, his own things take priority. The lunch they are having is at the casino complex, his parents like to stay and maybe play the pokies afterwards or sit and have a coffee, walk around the complex, look at the big xmas tree. It's not a place where you eat and run. They would want to take her to see things too. There is no way he would bring her to me at an agreed time because has no respect for other people's time. I need to get my older kids to their aunts by a certain time. I explained this but he kept saying no no no, it can be done. Yes it can with someone who respects others' commitments. Last year he didn't, he made me late and i got verbally abused for it.

He is in this situation because he created it. He has made his bed now he has to lie in it.

I feel a little sick, i feel sad. It has put a dampener on my xmas 😞

A hole. He manages to ruin everything for me.

[CMF]

After we had been seeing each other for 5 months he decided to spend nye with his ex gf because she was upset about something. I was shattered that he would leave me on my own and go to her. I told him it wasn't fair his response 'Life's not fair'.

Touche!

[Quercus]

Hi CMF,

Once a long time ago I remember freaking out because my horrible ex mentioned children. I remember escaping to the toilet and hiding there panicking. It was the thing that finally made me able to leave him. The idea that if children came on the scene I would never be free of him. The idea made me feel sick.

And... This is the part I feel relates to you.. surprisingly angry. Furiously angry. I realised I hated him. I hated what he had done to me. How he treated me. How he saw me. And I realised if I got stuck having to be civil with him because of a child I would be so incredibly angry.

When you write about him that's how I see it. You seem so angry at being trapped. Stuck playing civil. Stuck being polite for your daughter's sake. But at the cost of your own health.

What options are there for you in terms of boundaries CMF? Do you think you might need to rethink your way of dealing with him? You've tried being civil and kind and polite. It doesn't work. He takes no responsibility and you suffer for it.

Are there any low cost family lawyers or community centres in your area? I wonder if it might be a good idea to have a talk to a professional. Get some advice about setting up a formal visiting arrangement. Your ex seems to want informal... Because it lets him take no responsibility. But that's unacceptable.

I feel really strongly that this situation is very unhealthy for you. Your username reflects it. You're stuck. Bound by the fact that you are kind and want your daughter to know her father. But little miss is very young. You will have to deal with him until she is old enough to decide for herself. So there has to be a better way. I don't have the knowledge to think of how...but there must be professionals out there who can help.

What do you think?

[velvetfaerie]

CMF you are a very kind person. Sounds like HE is taking well advantage. Sounds like a familiar situation close to my heart actually!!!!

People who play power, control and manipulation games using kids are low!!! (Little misses father).

Grrrr

Hope that makes sense and I don’t offend. Cruddy sleep.

[CMF]

Hi Nat,

it has been suggested to me a few times on here about a formal arrangement and my psych discussed it to. The thought of it makes me sick for a few reasons.

he is not reliable, I wouldn't trust him to stick to it which causes more stress. I've accepted he's useless an can't accept responsibility. When he doesn't stick to times frames he also doesn't answer my calls.

i not want to start involving lawyers. He will become very very nasty. This informal agreement can work at times because I may not see him for a week or so which gives me a break from him. I wNt her to know him and she loves it when he comes past but he needs to prove he can be responsible rather than have anything enforced.

i don't wNt to put little miss through that. She's is still so young and doesn't know his family whom he lives with. I don't wNt her sleeping there. Plus he works Saturdays and different sifts. He also has no car. She doesn't want to go out with him unless I come. He has done this by taking her to the beach but not bingin her home till late at night. He took he back to his home and made her stay there. He doesn't realise that this works against him an makes it harder for me. He needs to do it gradually. She has worked out not to trust him.

Next year she goes to school, this enough to deal with for now. Hopefully I'll go back to work which I think is what I need. It I'll be good for me.

he keeps saying when he finishes his house he'll have time to do things with her. I'm prepared to wait and see if he does or if it's more lies.

she loves him and he is very good with her but as long as he lives with his parents he will never learn responsibility and will be a baby himself. I read an article about moving written by a 30 yo comedian moving out of home. He said something like he had to move out because if you continue to live with your parents you become a toddler again. Funny about that.

I'm angry not only at him but at myself for not seeing or maybe not accepting what a manipulator he is/was. For allowing myself to go through wha I did with him, being like a puppet. I wasn't strong enough. I feel scared of peeving him off cos I know how abusive he can get. Saw it in his eyes yesterday over the lunch. My older daughter was there, probably why he didn't go on about because he doesn't abuse in front others.i do think he realised he was wrong, that she has other kids in my family. Hen he left he did say see you in a few days, merry Xmas.

[CMF]

Hey V,

yeah I know you get it. You know, he has caused all this himself. We could have been a happy family even if we didn't live together but he became abusive toward me. He kicked me out, not the other way like his mum thinks. He did come crawling back admitting he treated me badly but why would I wNt go go back to that? That's who he is. It's the same story every time. He realises when it's too late that his behaviour is unacceptable, he feels remorse, but the damage is done. It's too late.

years ago when he had anxiety I accepted he wasn't well and was not in our lives. I didn't push him, I let him be, I didn't ask anything of him. I didn't get involved in helping him unless he rang as he had his mum. He rang when he wanted to see how we were one night he rang and said it was God punishing him, that he has treated people very badly, he was ashamed and needed to change his behaviour. I told him very nicely and gentlybtgat I agreed, he has treated people badly. It's a shame he's gone back to that behaviour. It's a shame his fa kit let him go, his sister should speak up when he abuses his mum at Xmas lunch in front of people. With me it's when no one is around. They have let him go all these years so he thinks he is justified. They have taught him it's ok to be like that. I think that's why I can't stand the whole lot of them. He says kids don't learn at school, everything they learn is from the home (after a doco he saw). What does that say about him then, about his behaviour?

what a sad family.

[CMF]

Hey Peter,

Just saw your post. Everything you say is spot on. Thank you.

I'm glad your kids get to see the rellos but i would be like you- stuff them. I'l be checking into the xmas lounge here in the evening at some stage so I'll keep you company.

We don't need others b.s. and we'e got each other here. For Nye we gather all the b.s. and burn it, have a bonfire.

Cmf

[Birdy77]

Hey CMF 😊

Hope it's ok i drop in.

Just wanted to say i hope you can get your mind back to the calm body of water it was before that large object was hurled into it.

Your ex is playing some seriously manipulative games with you. You have dealt well with it and have given him reasonable options.

Here's a sign you can put up

"I don't think i meet the height requirement to ride on your emotional rollercoaster"

Wishing you a peaceful day 😊

🌻birdy

[CMF]

Hi Birdy, of course you can drop in here, thank you :-). Yes, i gave him options, yes yes yes. He is the one who declined them. I wish i could make it all clear to his family but they will never accept it. Blindsided.

I just checked the lunch hours for the place they are going to because of course i feel bad. Usually they finish around 2pm but this one is from 12.30 - 4pm. It is $320 per adult and $160 per child. There is NO WAY, he would get little miss to me on time. No way would they leave early, especially to accommodate me when they are paying that amount of money. I wouldn't either, you need to enjoy the experience and get your money's worth. Another thing, he is always late so he won't get there till 1pm. Last easter we went there. he was running late, we got there late, his sister was ringing to see where we were. I had to be home by 4pm as my ex husband was dropping the kids of to me and we were going to my sisters. My ex husband and kids were waiting outside in the car for 45 mins because of course we were late. He had to get his gf home acoss town an hour away as she had to get her kids. So you see it is a snowball effect, what he does affects not just me but everyone else but he has no understanding or consideration of that. None of them do. They live in their own world because that's all they know. They don't know how to consider other people's time. It is foreign to them and too late to teach them. Can't reach an old dog new tricks. I don't want my little one growing up thinking this is acceptable behaviour.

Anyway, i don't want to give any more attention to that today. It is xmas eve, i want to enjoy it, not let him and his antics take over.

Happy Christmas Eve beautiful people xxx