Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Sorry you are feeling so down and not sleeping. Can’t remember if I asked you this, but have you ever tried listening to a sleep app before bed?

There are different ones - some play sleep stories - others play sounds that induce sleep like rain on a roof or sounds of nature. (You download the app to your phone).

I hope you do keep your appointment with the psychologist on Thursday as you just never know when you will make a breakthrough. There is always hope Lilly, even for you.

I hope things sort themself out with regard to work.

My thoughts are with you. Take good care of yourself xox

With love YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🕯🦔🐨🚤

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo,

The thing is I feel there isn’t any hope . I can’t do this anymore . The thoughts are relentless and consuming . I am trying to keep myself busy trying to distract myself . Trying to block it out . But it all seem hopeless , pointless . My anxiety is so bad . It’s hard to calm down . I feel panicked

You hadn’t mentioned sleep app’s. Or maybe you have and I can’t remember. I will check it out.

Thank you Jojo

lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

That is good you are trying to keep busy and distract yourself. Try doing some slow deep breathing to calm yourself down. The sleep apps can help with this too.

Please don’t give up Lilly it is a battle to get well, but it is worth the fight. Unfortunately change takes time and there is no quick fix, but with persistence it can be achieved. I believe in you as you are so resilient.

Keep your chin up, you can do it. You will get there. Stay strong xox

With lots of love YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🕯🦔🐨🚤

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Just did a really silly thing - left my phone logged onto BB overnight and it used up a big chunk of data as I didn’t realise until later in the day. Then I didn’t know how to log off!

I ended up switching my phone off to solve the problem! I posted to find out how you do it and it’s really simple so I learned something new today.

How was your weekend? I need to catch up with weeding the garden, but I keep putting it off as it’s not my favourite job. Don’t like spraying because of Poppy.

Do you have a garden?

Hope your week goes well. Good luck for Thursday (if you decide to go along) will be thinking of you.

With much love YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🕯🦔🐨🚤

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo,

That’s probably something I would do with my phone . I am glad your got it sorted and learned something .

I have a garden but atm it looks like a abandoned house. The weeds are very high . I can’t find the energy to do anything about it . I have a large block so it’s got completely out of my control . I can’t say I really enjoy gardening . It’s more of a chore to me.

I am in two minds about Thursday . I know I need to do this for my family but I also think I don’t deserve to get better . Jojo I can’t talk about anything without my agitation getting completely out of control and then I can’t breath the anxiety kicks in . I am afraid of where she will want to take me . I can’t go there . I don’t think I am worth fighting for . I have given up on myself .

I am thinking about the past a lot . And maybe that’s why I feel I am not worth it . I am not sure. But there is so much happening in the present that I can’t face either . I am so sick of feeling so overwhelmed . I just can’t do it anymore .

Sorry for going on about myself again . It’s so crazy . I am crazy .

Thank you jojo

lilly

[Saree_p]

You can Lilly!

Xx

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

I know what you mean about gardening being a chore! I am going to have to get help with pruning of a shrub which is almost touching the roof. Maybe you could get some help with your garden too?

Counselling can be stressful because you do discuss difficult topics. However, you are in charge of how quickly you progress and how much you share at each session. It takes time to feel comfortable sharing.

Also you are not crazy! You do need support tho and it’s good to have someone you can offload to since so much is happening in your life and you are feeling so overwhelmed.

Hope you have managed to get some sleep this weekend xox

Take care Lilly

With lots of love YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🕯🦔🐨🚤

[Lilly99]

DearJojo and Saree,

Thank you both.

The thing is I have things I haven’t spoken about on the forum . It’s something I can’t live with . And something I will never tell anyone . It’s where my internal hate for myself is coming from . How can anyone help someone who feels like they shouldn’t be saved . . I have failed myself and my family .

Lilly

[Saree_p]

Dear Lilly,
Did you look at that site?

Did that speak to some of the unmentioned?

If you are ever comfortable we are here xx

[White_Rose]

Hello Lilly

I seem to be forever saying sorry for not posting and it's true, sometimes I just cannot post. Just read the posts between you/Saree/Jojo. Wave to you all.

You are doing it tough Lilly and it appears most of the reason is your disbelief in yourself. Why should you be more unworthy of being helped than anyone else? I see you state there are events in your life you cannot talk about and I say that is OK. We do not need to know about all your skeletons in the cupboard. Goodness me, I would be devastated if you knew about my skeletons.

All we need to know is that you hurt and have been hurt by others. That is why you post here and why we offer you our heartfelt support. No need to tell us what has happened. You need to see the psych for yourself not for your family. Some years ago when I was quite suicidal I was told to think of my family and the effect of such an action on my part. It used to annoy me, not because I did not care for my family but because I could not 'see' my family. Oh I knew they were there but I hurt so much that no one else seemed real.

You have great feeling for your family which is why your son's lifestyle is so hard for you. So if we are talking about worthiness I think there is not much to choose. But this is not a competition to see who hurts most or who is beyond help. We are all in need of help and support. I have said before, your family will benefit more by you becoming healed. If you cannot talk here and cannot talk about some aspects of yourself to the psych, then do not talk about those things. Talk about the other parts of your life, your sons and their difficulties. Ask for help for them.

As usual I am being blunt but with no malice or intention to upset you. I hope you know that. Unfortunately the only way through pain is to go through the pain. Make the journey as short as possible, grab it with both hands, take a breath and any other metaphor you can think of. Sounds trite I know but it is also true. You are courageous. I know because you are still fighting no matter what you think. That sort of strength will get you through.

I have this quote by Neil Gaiman on my quotes wall. "Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us dragons can be beaten." Put it up on your wall.

A meditation app recommended by several people on BB is Smiling Mind. I have not tried it as I meditate differently. Have a go. If it helps you get to sleep it's good.

Mary