Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[White_Rose]

Dear Lilly

Thank you for your reply. I don't expect it to be easy, managing our unwellness is never going to to be easy.

You have opened up a lot on the forum and there is a difference in the way you are speaking to us. It's very encouraging for us but more so for you. Perhaps you can think back and remember how very unwell you were when you first started posting. Jojo and Saree have been terrific with their help and support.

I'm glad you have private hospital cover. It can make a huge difference to you to be treated in hospital. I don't want to bang on about it but I do get very concerned about your welfare. I do get it with your sons. A horrible situation for you all to be in. Let me ask one more question. I know your concerns about your sons and the huge hole they are in. My question is, do you think you will be able to cope, to manage going to work etc, support your sons and generally keep them safe while you are in this very unstable state? I will leave it there.

Take all care of yourself.

Mary

[Lilly99]

Dear Mary ,

You are right I won’t cope . I just think maybe I am not worth saving . I just hate myself that much .

I am not going to post for a little while again . Thank you for your help Mary and advice.

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Very well done for going for a walk and getting some fresh air. Also just putting one foot in front of the other is a good thing to focus on and has often gotten me through tough times.

I settled in Australia in 1987 and have only been back to Scotland twice, the last time in 2000. I only have a few cousins in Scotland now, but have lost touch with them over the years. Most of my relatives are in Australia.

How is your son now? Will he need physio when he is discharged?

Keep on putting one foot in front of the other Lilly and try and go walking again, hopefully it will get easier and maybe even enjoyable.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family xox

With much love YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🕯🚤

[Saree_p]

Wonderful Lilly,

The consequences of hospital are the worst thing, I agree. I live in a small town community, where my diagnosis and being admitted always threaten my career. It's so hard.

As Jojo asked, is there anything else you can do? Is there someone you can make a pact with, who will hold you accountable until treatment starts to work? Can you improve self care- which is so hard!

I am sorry. I am struggling for advice atm.

Thoughts are with you dearest friend.

But I do strongly urge that if you can, please try hospital again. I know, the hippocrite I am.

Saree

[White_Rose]

Dear Lilly

I do hope you are not upset at my replies. I think I can get a bit pushy at times. Well that's what my children say.

You feel you cannot cope without help but do not want to go to hospital where you can be helped. Staying at home is also not good for you. You say you are not worth saving but this will also mean leaving your sons to fend for themselves. Do you think t would be the best course to go to hospital? That way you can really start living again. I know, it doesn't work like that straight away but it can work and that's the thought to keep in your mind. You can get better.

You are doing it tough atm and I do get how hard this is. Helping yourself may be the most productive option.

When you feel up to it please post again.

Mary

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Please try and keep your appointment for tomorrow and explain what it is that frightens you about going into hospital. I will be with you in spirit and holding your hand.

Put your health first Lilly and start to get well. You deserve it and are worth it xox

With love YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🕯

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo ,

Well my son came home yesterday . Let just say it wasn’t a good night . All hell breaking loose . He is extremely depressed, not sure if suicidal but have my suspicions and angry at world and me . I haven’t had any sleep and agitation and anxiety through the roof . I wish I could calm down somehow . I am in full blown overload . I need to make this stop. Far out who am I .!

Anyway I cant go to the appointment today because my son has appointments to go to and he can’t drive himself . They want me to reschedule. I doubt I will do that . Every time something happens it just makes me more hopeless and emotional about everything . Like there isn’t any point . I don’t know you wake up thinking every day, well try and think , i can get better things are going to change and not really believe a word . But still try to keep going somehow . Reality it’s never going to happen . It is what it is . I have had enough

Thank you again Jojo , Saree and Mary . I wish I could meet you all in person to say thank you for everything but I can’t . You have been very supportive dear friends .

Mary you didn’t upset me at all with your replies . It’s just where my head is. It not you

Hope saree is ok.

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

I am so sorry your son is taking his anger out on you as you don’t deserve that. What sort of injuries did he sustain? Depending on the severity maybe some counselling would help him to adjust?

Please try and reschedule the psychologist appointment Lilly as now is not the time to deny support for yourself. You need all the support you can get - don’t try and manage all by yourself.

I too wish we could meet so I could give you a great big hug in person xox

With love YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🕯

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Hope your son is more settled now that he is home. How are you going today Lilly?

I hope you manage to see the psychologist again and get some support for yourself.

Stay safe and strong xox

With love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🕯

[Saree_p]

Hello wonderful Lilly,

I apologise for my absence, I am ok. Not fantastic, but better than I was.
I ended up with a forced hospital admission, I wish I'd taken the steps before it got to that point and done it voluntarily. I like you kept thinking of all the consequences and tried to plan when it'd be best to go in. Instead it ended up with a very uncontrollable situation.
Please do not make my mistake.
I urge you to rebook your appoint or your GP and do a planned hospitalisation. I honestly, bar it being terrifying, did find it a little helpful. Because I was known from last admission, there are ways they can medicate to ease anxiety and make it easier to talk etc. I was not forced onto the ward this time, and was worked with a little. They also knew when I was non verbal and just medicated so could relax enough to stop freaking out.
I could've and probably shouldve stayed longer but we set up that I could kind of do it from my bf.

I guess I am trying to ease your anxiety. My mistake was trying to plan it and it all exploding, which = involuntary admission. That in it's self takes days to recover from. So please please stop thinking about the world and what you have to do, please learn from my mistake.

As always, not trying to push, but encourage. I think you need it Lilly.

I care for you greatly dear friend.

Saree