Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[White_Rose]

Hello Lilly

I must join with Saree and urge you to continue seeing your psychologist and go to hospital. I have been there myself in both public and private hospitals and there is a difference. If you have medical insurance please go to a private hospital.

No one is going to harm you in hospital just as no one will harm you on this forum. It will be a safe place to sleep and recharge. So please accept the offer and go.

Mary

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo, Saree and Mary .

Thank you all for your advice . And for caring .

I just can’t see a way out of my situation. Things just can’t be fixed. My work is ringing me asking when I am returning to my stressful very demanding 12hr days. My son is returning from hospital with serious anger issues at me and the world . My other son is struggling . Bills are arriving . I have to organise lawyers .

Today I cleaned the shower and that was enough to tip me over the edge . I was curled up on the bathroom floor having a serious breakdown . There isn’t anyone else to help.

Going into hospital doesn’t feel safe because at night they lock the doors which makes me feel there isn’t a way out if I need it . Hard to explain. I feel if I go again I will be stuck inside my room like last time terrified to come out . I think it’s not knowing who else is there with me in the hospital that scares me so much .

Last time I came out worse from the experience with no follow up support. 4 weeks in hospital with no one visiting , nurses were too busy and 10-15 minute appointment with. Psychiatrist every 2-3 days. I have never felt so lonely and scared and hopeless in my life.

I really don’t know what to do from here. I really can’t see a way out .

If you have any suggestions it would be great. But I can’t see how it’s possible for me to get the help I need. I just can’t see it happening .

Thank you all again

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Just popping in to say hello 👋

Would you consider going into hospital?

Otherwise could you continue seeing both your GP and psychologist as an outpatient? They have probably suggested hospital so you can be treated as quickly as possible.

How are things with your son now?

Take good care of yourself xox

With much love YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🕯

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo,

When I went to see the gp and psychologist it seemed they wouldn’t entertain the the idea of out patient . I think they could see how desperate I seemed, I couldn’t control myself at all. They want to see me again on Tuesday ,

I feel if I go back it would be hospital for sure. I just can’t risk that happening . Though i can’t live like this either . It’s so overwhelming Jojo.

Lilly

[Saree_p]

Courageous Lilly,

I do get it I truly do. And locked doors are terrifying. Big fear of mine to.

But is there a chance that if u communicated these worries there might be some help? Could u write this all down for Tuesday?

Be brave Lilly.
Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

I agree with Saree that you need to explain what it is about hospital that frightens you. Write down the details from your post and take it to your appointment on Tuesday.

You can do this Lilly it’s a huge step, but as you said you can’t stay as you are. You are braver than you know. Please try, don’t give up on yourself.

You are in my thoughts and prayers xox

With much love YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🕯

[White_Rose]

Dear Lilly

Are you talking about the public hospital system? I was rather hoping you could go to a private hospital if you had the private insurance cover. There is a difference between the two and private hospitals are much better. Very sad but true.

Lilly I do feel for you and all your difficulties. It is not a good place to be. May I get you to think of the alternative? Collapsing on your bathroom floor is also not good and may prove to be a much bigger problem than hospital. You have three people here who care about you very much and want the best for you. I know we are not near you physically and so cannot offer that kind of help but we can and do offer you support. Do you have a laptop or tablet you can take into hospital? That way you can still keep in touch with us here and with your sons. Do not be pushed into returning to work if you are not ready. Give them a medical certificate and they can argue with the doctor.

Jojo and Saree are quite correct, you need to tell your doctors and psych about your fears. Write it down and give it to the psych to read. It is a difficult thing to do I know. You have shown you are more than capable of managing these sorts of actions. I find I am struggling to provide comfort for you and I worry I am simply repeating the same old same old.

You are worrying about what the Lilly of the future must do and not giving consideration to the Lilly in the present. Today's Lilly is the person who needs help and who will not be able to provide help to anyone else unless you first look after yourself. We all know the instructions given by the airline as the plane gets ready to go. Fix your own oxygen mask before you help others. This is not being selfish, it's being pragmatic. No good trying to help another person and then collapsing because you have not put on your own mask.

Mary

[Lilly99]

Dear Mary,

Thank you for your post. You have provided a lot of support to me . I do really appreciate you being here for me and you haven’t been repeating anything .

I went into a private hospital . I still have private health insurance.

Although it’s been extremely hard opening up on the forum its a little easier than handing a note to a psychiatrist or doctor as the forum doesn’t know who I am . I don’t know why I feel this way , Shame comes to mind .

Although my children are old enough to look after themselves somewhat . I fear that while I am in hospital my son returning home from hospital will get up to all sorts of trouble . And my other sons health would deteriorate. I don’t have anyone to help out .

My doctor said the same thing about helping myself first so I can help my children but it’s not that easy to just pack up and leave without thinking of the consequences of what’s still happening at home.

I am sorry I feel like I am knocking back every bit of help everyone is offering. It’s really not my intention . Or maybe I have given up . I am not sure .

The thing is I know this is escalating out of my control. I can’t see a way out . I know I need help but I can see it’s out of my reach .

I hope I haven’t made you feel your suggestions are falling in deaf ears . Because I am listening . I am not sure whether I am making excuses not to go to hospital or my reasons are logical.

I am in the headspace of being not sure of my thoughts . Whether they are rational or not. It’s very confusing when I am so overwhelmed .

There is one thing I know for sure is I can’t continue feeling like this . I do know there is probably a bigger problem than going into hospital. It’s just hard to calm down long enough to take it all in .

I am sorry for all the trouble I am causing and I know you all do care about me . I am just not sure I care about myself .

lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

How is your weekend going? Today was my week for the movies. It was Wayne’s turn to pick the movie so we went to see Spiderman! Not exactly my taste, but was good to get out.

Am watching Dances With Wolves on TV tonight which is one of my favourite movies.

Take good care of yourself Lilly xox

With much love YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🕯

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo,

It am glad you get out to the movies with Wayne . Yes Spider-Man wouldn’t be my choice ,

Haven’t been up to much really. Been at the hospital most of the day . I tried a walk today to try and Make myself feel better. It was tough . I was thinking the whole way just one foot in front of the other the whole way. Very emotional the whole way . Can’t say I enjoyed it. But I was outside.

I remember you saying you were raised in Scotland . Do you ever go back ? Do you have family there.?

Thank you Jojo for being here for me. I do really appreciate you so much . You are such a lovely caring compassionate friend. Thank you for helping saree also .

Lilly 🌺