Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[Lilly99]

Hi Jojo ,

How do I go back to my doctor and hope that it’s going to be any different .?

I will go there , she will give me another script or up my dose . Tell me she will see me in 2 weeks . Or send me to my psychiatrist who will do exactly the same . I have been there done that so many times . With psychiatrist , doctor , psychologists . really... when I think how much I have asked for help and failed it makes me think even more how pathetic I am. I surpose I can’t ask people to help me if I can’t help myself . Maybe I don’t want help that’s the thing . I have completely given up .

I will have to keep going battling this urge to stop this emotional pain . I am never going to open up it hurts too much . I don’t trust anyone and never will .

This constant thinking is destroying me. I feel consumed by it .

Thank you for the help you have given me . It’s been really great that someone has my back . And a complete stranger who cares so much .

I just can’t keep on keeping on .

Lilly .

[Jojo100]

Hi Lilly

It’s good to hear from you. I was wondering if you would consider going back into hospital? I know tms didn’t help, but at least there you would be safe and not alone. They could also review your medication and adjust it as necessary. This would also be a good distraction from all your negative thoughts.

I had to go into hospital in the past when I had reached rock bottom. I was curled up in the foetal position and just wanted the pain and torment to stop. However once my medication was reviewed and changed my mood began to improve. When I was discharged I attended community mental health services which got me out and about. This was an important part of my recovery too. It meant I wasn’t isolated or alone.

I believe in you Lilly that you can beat this illness. You are strong and courageous to keep going.

Thinking positive thoughts for you xox

Jojo

[Lilly99]

Hi Jojo ,

I was only there 4 weeks ago in hospital . There were psychiatrist there who only saw me for a few minutes every second third day adjusting doses ect . I will think about your suggestion but it’s probably unlikely I would give it another go .

I just know I Don’t want to be around anymore .

It’s crazy really I have come on this forum for help but knock everything back . I just don’t believe in myself anymore . I just think everything isn’t possible .

I am sorry everyone on this forum has had to read how needy I am . I know everyone is battling and have there own issues to deal with without having to read mine .

I am really happy that you were able to get better. It sounds like you were really struggling . You seem like someone that deserved to get better.

Thank you for being there for me . I really appreciate and heard everything you have said Jojo and everyone else that has posted .

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Hi Lilly

Thank you for at least thinking about hospital. It doesn’t matter if you were there only 4 weeks ago. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I have had a couple of admissions close together and the second admission was the best thing I ever did. I think sometimes people are sent home too early at least that’s what happened to me.

I believe in you and please know you too deserve to get better. You sound a lot like myself a few years ago. It was touch and go for me then too.

You also have a family who need you around. What would they do without you? Only you can fill that gap. I had a friend who took his life and it is the most devestating experience I have ever had. I was totally heartbroken even many years later.

So hard as it is you need to stay and fight Lilly. Life is precious and so are you xox

Jojo

[Jojo100]

Hello Lilly

How are you going today? Just want you to know I am always here to listen and support you xox

Jojo

[Lilly99]

Hi Jojo,

Thank you again for your advice I really appreciate you being so lovely and caring .

Honestly I feel so bad at the moment . I don’t think I am even capable to ask anyone for help or even start the process.

I hate myself so much I don’t think I am worth saving. I see myself like a grain of sand on the beach no one knows I am there or missing .

Everyday is a battle of emotions . A battle I can’t and don’t want to face .

I have no more to give . No more fight left in me .

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly it is good to hear from you. You may feel like a grain of sand on the beach but you are very real and important to me and I know you are there not missing.

With regard to asking for help is there anyone who could go with you to the hospital or the clinic or the GP? It might not feel so overwhelming that way. Do you have any friends or family who could support you?

Please don’t be afraid to ring 000 if it all gets too much for you. They are there to help and well trained in these situations.

Please keep fighting. You have managed so far with very little help. With appropriate support I believe you will manage even more and not have to struggle all by yourself.

You have come too far to give up now. Please just reach out one more time. I am right there with you willing you on. I believe you have the strength to do it. You have been so brave don’t quit now.

I wish you well and you are in my thoughts xox

Jojo

[Lilly99]

Hi Jojo ,

I have know friends and I wouldn’t ask my family to come with me if I was to get help .

When I went to hospital I not only went for tms but to try and keep myself safe because I knew how bad my situation was and knew I needed help .

When I was there the nurses kept a close eye on me checking very regularly and voicing there concerns that I was getting increasingly worse . I think I got worse knowing tms wasn’t working and knowing that it was going to be the final attempt at trying to get better . I spoke to my psychiatrist about how I was feeling suicidal and that I wanted to die and had a plan . And how I felt dying would be a relief and I would be at peace .

He released me knowing all this . He is the same psychiatrist who wants to see me in 6 weeks . It was at a private hospital . I think I was released because it would look bad for them if something Happened to me while I was there because it wasn’t a very secure facility.

How can I trust anyone to help me when all that would happen is coming out the other end feeling worse and more desperate .

How do I trust anyone with my thoughts .

I read other people’s threads and wonder how they can open up about there lives and past experiences and struggles .

I can only explain how I am feeling rather than why I am feeling like this . I can’t tell anyone my story .

I am sorry for rambling on and again for being so extremely needy . I am sure everyone has had enough of reading my posts .

thank you again for your help . You are such an amazing person . . You don’t have to feel you need to respond .

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Hi Lilly

I am sorry your experience with the private mental health services was not successful or particularly helpful by the sounds of it.

I have always gone through the public mental health system and they really helped me a lot especially when I was extremely depressed.

Would you consider going to a public hospital where you would see a different psychiatrist and get a second opinion and review of your mental health issues? This might make all the difference. It’s definitely worth a try.

I don’t think I could keep going to a psychiatrist who can only see me every 6 weeks if I was feeling like you are. That’s just not good enough. You deserve better.

Best wishes & take care of yourself xox

Jojo

[Jojo100]

Hi Lilly how are you today?

I read this under the Quotes That I Like thread:

”It doesn’t matter how slow you go, as long as you don’t stop.” (Confucius)

I think this is relevant and I hope you never stop even if you can only manage small steps.

Wishing you well xox

Jojo