existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

[swtpotato]

hi everyone,

I was posting on the welcome and orientation section but thought I should move things here as it's more on-topic.

So my mental health story: I have always been really introverted and spacey kinda kid but also very optimistic and idealistic. I grew up being really self-conscious and felt like there was something wrong with me but was pretty good at ignoring it.
I had this bad lsd trip (1.5yrs ago) which blew all of my insecurities way out of proportion. I had all this derealisation and depersonalisation and severe social anxiety which led me to develop IBS and chronic fatigue. I was obsessed with the concept of identity and meaning and thought it was impossible to truly connect with other people.

[startingnew]

how are you going today?

[swtpotato]

Hey sn,

I'm okay just fatigue and ibs flare up today so couldn't do very much, though I have a huge essay due tomorrow which I'm stressing a bit about. Those days I have to stay at home by myself the whole time with my thoughts - so too many of them obviously isn't the best but I've got it.

But am okay. Looking forward to things (after the essay). Crazy.

Thanks for checking in,

m

m

[startingnew]

hey M

its hard when you have physical pain as well. it doesn make it any easier does it.?

i hope you were able to finish your essay and get the marks your after with it

tomorrow is a new day

remember to breathe for now and take things as it comes

[Cesca1557]

Hi M,

nothing worse than uni essays! have you got much of it done? take it in 20 minute sections if you need

thinking of you

[Pysis]

Hi M

how are you?

Nath

[swtpotato]

SN - yep. when it happens I just cycle through bed and electric blanket, shower, lying outside in the sun. I was better this time at not getting angry at myself for not being able to study so that's good, and today am much better.

Cesca - lol nope. not much done, could only think enough for research yesterday and am trying to write the whole thing today, got up at 6 ready to go. Feel a lot better so it's slightly more possible than before.

Nath - I am okay. Felt very positive this morning. Could appreciate the spring morning. Very big difference to last week.

ok I better get going.

m

[startingnew]

Hi M

ive seen you comment on a few threads that your on study break. your doing a great job! see rewards are great and often find to help keep me motivated. im going to study in about an hour after ive done the house work and popped onto here until later in the day.

when you acknowledge your feelings as you did but didnt get angry at yourself allowed you to feel, process and then move on 🙂 well done

[Pysis]

Hi M

im glad your having a good day, yeah the sun always makes me feel better.

sending hugs and love

Nath

[swtpotato]

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to post a little update because I can.

I'm at home with my family this week and am happy to be here.

Have had a few very rough days but I think I am becoming more stable overall.

Went out with friends for drinks, first time hanging out together in ages. Had lots of social anxiety and really felt like I shouldn't exist. It really scared me that I could be with some of my closest friends and not be able to even have a conversation. Doesn't matter what I do it always comes back eventually. I felt really judged for not being able to be myself as a 22 year old, and for stressing so hard with uni. I don't think they fully understand what it is I am going through atm. I can't really say in normal conversation that the reason I procrastinated so hard, got over caffeinated, then got drunk through my study is that I've been having trouble finding a reason to be alive at all and if I didn't have study I had to do I would stay in bed all day (even tho they all know about the depression and chronic fatigue, just some not in any detail) lots of shame.

I had a few days with lots of SI and fantasies (am in absolutely no danger of SH btw, and also feel much less afraid as I know the help that is available after being on this site). Friends would rather do their own thing on those days and I had to just go it alone like most of the time. Despite this I keep telling myself I'm faking it and I better just go and live already.

But it's weird that that can happen and it feel like it's been like that forever, and then the next day I wake up feeling okay and I realise it was just a cloud that has now passed. But no matter how many times it happens it's still so hard to catch!

So that made me fully realise that my fear of being IN life, and being myself in it (at least that's what I'm calling it atm), that I have had since like high school, is definitely still there. Like something is blocking me. It is making me avoid socialising and idk 'doing things'.

I have contacted a few psychologists but it will be a while till I can get an appointment. Was thinking about that too much.

But atm I'm fine. At home, beautiful weather, country air (in ACT) --- will go see some good friends I've been missing a lot, and go stay at the coast for a couple days. Still moving forward I think.

hoping you are all able to be proud of yourselves today

- m

[Guest_1055]

Hey m,

thankyou for giving me some of your compassion.

I read the latest post you wrote, wanting you to know that I am thinking of you right at this moment. Not comprehending much at the moment. But still wanted you to know I care is all.

shell xx