existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

[swtpotato]

hi everyone,

I was posting on the welcome and orientation section but thought I should move things here as it's more on-topic.

So my mental health story: I have always been really introverted and spacey kinda kid but also very optimistic and idealistic. I grew up being really self-conscious and felt like there was something wrong with me but was pretty good at ignoring it.
I had this bad lsd trip (1.5yrs ago) which blew all of my insecurities way out of proportion. I had all this derealisation and depersonalisation and severe social anxiety which led me to develop IBS and chronic fatigue. I was obsessed with the concept of identity and meaning and thought it was impossible to truly connect with other people.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi m,

Wow, what a beautiful and self aware post.

There is really little that I can add as you said it all yourself.

I appreciate and admire your honesty and openness in sharing some of your darker thoughts like the SI, etc. Those thoughts can be unsettling and consuming at times but I'm glad to hear you're safe.

I hope you enjoy the next couple of days to recharge and catch up with friends.

Gentle thoughts,

Pepper xo

[swtpotato]

Hi Shell and Pepper,

Just wanted to say any kind of post always makes me feel less alone and I appreciate you both taking the time to reply. Thank you.

m

[Peppermintbach]

Hi m,

Any time 🙂 It's nice of you to write back and we love hearing from you.

Yeah, I agree that when people reply, it does help me to feel less alone too.

kind thoughts,

Pepper xo

[Cesca1557]

hi m,
glad to hear you are enjoying being back home
its definitely tough when you do feel anxious around friends, i hope that with time you are able to control that anxiety a bit more 🙂
it can be so incredibly hard to talk to friends about what you are going through as they cant it can be hard for them to relate to it if they havent gone through anything themselves.

im so so sorry that you are finding it hard to have a reason to be alive. if im being completely honest, if i didnt have my study, i would lose one of my main reasons as well. try to be thankful for the study though, as tough and stressful as it is that it does give you a reason to get out of bed everyday. hopefully with time, you will find other reasons to as well.

glad you have made contact with some psychologists, hopefully the appointment isnt too far away and you can hang in there until you go to it. for now, you have us atleast 🙂

enjoy the beautiful weather and fresh air! can make such a difference
sending big big hugs and thinking of you more than ever

[swtpotato]

Hey Cesca,

So good to hear from you.

It is. It is hard when friends switch from being source of comfort to source of anxiety. But you don't know when the switch will happen..and how do you talk to them about it when you feel like you cannot control yourself?

You're right. One of the hardest days recently was my first day off of study in ages--- had a whole day to enjoy, by myself. I started energetic and full of hope, quickly noticing the emptiness and space between my thoughts.

Didn't feel too heavy, or even completely numb as when I have had SI in the past... it was more that things were questionable. Intrusive ideas about meaninglessness. Like flashes of shocking realisations that there is simply no point - hits harder when have time to 'enjoy' yourself. Saw my best friend, laughed, felt connected to him, as soon as I left, nothing. Then all the social anxiety that night with others --

At the same time, I look at my mood over the last couple months that I have tracked a few times a day on this app, and this last week has been the best since I started. Was just a dip.

I saw a good friend the other day and felt super chatty and open. Like suddenly there was nothing holding me back - last sem I always felt uneasy and anxious around her. Told her how I had felt when I lived at home that semester off.

It's weird though when you open up more - people start paying more attention, care more, are nicer - but avoided you when you needed them the most! They care only now I am more entertaining?? Still have anger leftover to sort out. They think also when my social anxiety improves, that my depression has gone which is not the case. Can't expect people to read my mind.

I have new affirmations. first, i wrote down reasons to live and do things --> 'i want to live'-> 'living is being proactive' -> 'everytime I exercise my will it gets stronger', 'there is meaning behind everything I do'. I'll forget, but then I'll remember.

My long posts make me realise I really do like to talk a lot. But irl, I'm reserved, quiet, find it extremely difficult to express myself so usually don't try except with certain people. I hold so much in that it festers. Rambling here helps, tho now I feel like I go on too much...

I am at the coast with my mum and my dog atm. It is okay. I like okay.

thanks for listening to me ramble always a satisfying thing.

cesca even the little reasons help hope you find them.

thinking of you all

em

[Cesca1557]

hey m,
Yes its very hard! But its great that you have realised this now and you can try to work to control the anxiety and even tell them little bits about what you are going through so they better understand why you may be acting a certain way.
Days home alone are definitley very hard, im house sitting again so am alone and its hard because i dont have to pretend to be happy which means it is easy to go through a whole day without thinking anything positive or happy at all. I know obviously that that type of happy isnt true happiness but it is still something that is more positive.

How is all the study going by the way?
Hold on to the happy and enjoyable moments that you have each day (like seeing your best friend) as that will help when you are having a tough time.

That sounds like a great way to track any progess with your mood! Great idea and great initiative to take it upon yourself to see how you are changing.

I definitely feel what you said about how friends treat you differently when you start acting differently. Again, I feel like a lot of it is just that they dont know how to respond to people who are hurting or struggling. It sucks though, cause you need people more when you are having a hard time.
You definitely dont go on too much! its great that you find the forums as a way to express yourself and say things that you have been holding on to for a while, especially since you know that there is no judgemenet hear so you dont have to be worried about what people will say to you 🙂

thinking of you

enjoy the coast, hope there is a bit of sunshine!

[swtpotato]

Hey c

I know what you mean. I think it is good sometimes to confront the feelings head on - then it feels more like your choice to feel terrible in a way aha. But having some sort of structure to break up your day - be forced to be functional, is always good. Having chronic fatigue helped me to aim for acceptance, rather than happiness or control. Like I didn't get there but I got closer than if I hadn't tried.

I've been neglecting the study while at home as it feels like I'm on holiday... but now am thinking about it again and I can feel the creeping stress coming on. So better get started.

How is your study going? If you need to you have every right to ask for special consideration/extensions, I do it all the time.

Thank you for saying that, I always feel this weird guilt whenever I take hold of too much of the conversation.. like it's proving I'm actually a really selfish person. Comes from having social anxiety for so long, that I give the impression that I don't like other people and am really judgemental but really I'm just uncomfortable (and a little judgemental). There's this focus on the quality of the connection in each interaction... am I just talking at them? am I showing adequate interest in their life? am I being authentic? am I being annoying? am I trying too hard? (yes..) I feel this hyper awareness of how every interaction will contribute to their overall opinion of me..which I am afraid will be boring, lame, insecure, frigid, annoying...and all other bad adjectives of course!

But only with some people, and only sometimes? (used to be very extreme all the time even with family felt like a robot).

Well I seem to have some kind of rational self now to keep that in check! Glad that is somewhat back.

Hope you are going ok.

m

[Peppermintbach]

Hi m,

I always enjoy reading your posts because you seem introspective and insightful. I'm not saying that to lessen or trivialise your struggles and pain because I know you do have them but yeah, I think you're insightful and I appreciate that quality in people 🙂

"intrusive thoughts on meaninglessness?" Ah, I can relate to those thoughts...it's a struggle but I sought refuge in Satre and Nietzsche's works (and music...lots of music)...not saying that's what you need to do but I'm trying to express that I can empathise.

Anyway, all the best with your studies. I hope you make the most of your stay on the coast.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xoxo

[Cesca1557]

hey m,

I so agree with pepper with how she said she sees you as being someone who is very insightful and introspective, you seem to be so inquisitive about the world and your thought process and it has opened by own eyes up to different things 🙂

Its so hard when you do stop studying for a few days because of the stress it brings when you do start to think about it again. what I always do is write a list of everything i need to get done, it can be quite daunting at first but its good as you can then slowly go through and tick each thing off, and youre not worried that you are going to forget something as it is all written down on the piece of paper. Phone apps would work well too, i just like bein able to physically tick off or cross off each task.
Study isnt going great tbh, with being away for the funeral for a few days then going straight to friends houses, and coming back and getting sick, i havent really been able to study at all! Will have to start now

Your second guessing of everything you say or others say to you rings so many bells in my own life. Its like you saw inside my head and wrote down my thoughts when i talk to others, or when im going over what i said to someone after i get home. kinda scary!!

its good that you have noticed that it is getting better and less frequent though! definitely a positive step
hope you're doing okay

[swtpotato]

Hi pepper and c,

it feels nice to be understood, that you can get a feel of who I am from what I post.

I would agree but it bothers me that I don't know what it'd be like not being so introspective - like I appreciate it a lot in myself but also can lead to severe anxiety and pointless questioning of everything. Feel very stuck inside myself, like constantly just using other people/environment to reflect own thoughts and experiences back - like just having a conversation with myself without actually relating. at the same time to some degree that's just normal life I think aha and I am aware that I relate when I feel ok. so self-absorbed tho I think hard not to be when depressed.

c its kinda nice that you say you're exactly the same! It's so confusing and frustrating.

Besides rn I've actually been great (waiting out anxiety in bed last few hours ATM) it's so weird!!! I went to a big uni party withs lots of people I knew from high school and didn't have social anxiety/emptiness due to meds! I swear most comfortable I've ever been in that kind of environment. A lot of past anxiety I now see was much worse than I thought at the time.

I even successfully flirted with a stranger and (yes I'll say it I'm proud) had a very comfortable and normal feeling one night stand !!!!

In the past that kind of thing would make me extremely self conscious, I would actively avoid anyone who showed the slightest interest go home early so to not have a panic attack then ruminate about being weird for the next week or so...

Feeling a bit distant and anxious again now and have no idea how o talk to that guy (want to see him again). Feeling like I'm too idk damaged and childish to be with anyone. Feel like I've missed out on developing certain kinds of maturity due to all of this crap last few years. Think I can get past it. but am ok due to such a good last week.

also booked a psychologist app for next week.

Thanks to both of you for your tips. C we can get on top of this study together!

m