Empty and lost and so lonely

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I feel so empty and lonely... I have plenty of close friends who I share lots of aspects of my life with. But I try to not tell them about how I feel too often because I feel so, so, SO EMPTY (sorry, no other word comes close to how I feel so I'm probably going to use it a lot) all the time and I don't want them to get sick of me. I'm sure they already are anyway. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The one thing I've wanted to do since I was 13, I can't. I'm just so lost and everyone around me seems to be moving forward, in at least one aspect of their lives. Whereas I'm just running around in circles.

As a little background, I'm 22 and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school. I'm on antidepressants and I'm still trying to find one that works even though I've tried (what feels like) all of them. I don't see a MH professional because I have lots of difficulty telling people how I feel and it's a thousand times worse when I have to do it in person. For about 1.5 years, things were manageable despite not being on any meds/seeing any professionals but then at the end of 2015 things got really bad again and they haven't gotten better since then. I've had to take a lot of study leave which makes me feel even worse about myself since I've always been seen as the "academic" friend of the group (straight A's in high school kind of person I guess) and it just makes me feel like I can't even do the one thing I'm decent at.

I don't know what the point of this was, other than that I know I just really need to get it out there because I really, really can't burden my friends any more than I already have. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I can barely formulate sentences in my head and remember them for more than 4 seconds at a time because I'm just finding it so hard to concentrate on anything. I'm sorry. Sorry if you ended up wasting your time to read this messy rant...

- PL

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

So far they haven't been doing anything except making me feel sick. And decreasing my old meds is making me really irritable and moody and tired etc. so so far the med change is not great. Been feeling crappy in general lately. Feeling really irritable and hate being around people rn. Wish I could just shut myself up in my room without having to come out. And yeah just messy thoughts. Stupid thoughts.

How are you? How'd your weekend go?

PL

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I am so sick of being a burden to everyone. So sick of snapping at everyone because I'm just so bloody irritable and pissed off at nothing and everything. But then during my "stable" (ish) periods, I feel so uncomfortable with NOT being sad that I almost crave it and basically trigger myself to be back to being in a depressive state again. Idk what to do because the thought of trying to "recover" and get stable and maintain being stable is so scary. But I hate being this annoying whiny self pitying piece of shit to everyone. I guess if I could hold everything in better and hide things better then it won't matter even if I am depressed since no one will see it. But I'm so bad at hiding how I feel.

I want to do so many stupid things right now. Wish I lived alone. God I don't want to wake up and face tomorrow.

Im so tired of my stupid brain and mind and thoughts. So sick of being so useless and pathetic and disgusting. I hate myself so much.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Piertotum Locomotor,

We are sorry to hear that your journey has been such a difficult one for you. Please know that you are not a burden and not alone in this, there is a lot of support out there.

Our Support Service are trying to reach you via email as we are worried about you.

Check back in and let us know how you’re going when you feel up to it.
 

[james1]

Hello PL,

It sounds like the med change has really thrown your emotions around. I'm sad to hear that you feel so irritable and like a burden to people, but good on you for speaking to us.

It is very normal to want to be sad again when you have been depressed and suddenly find yourself in a less-depressed state. Sometimes we don't feel like we deserve it, other times we just don't know what to do with ourselves and our not-depressed feelings. It's not a bad thing to then find yourself depressed again, even if it's something you try to trigger yourself. It happens. What's important is that you keep posting and talking to people, which you are doing, so that's really great.

My weekend was very busy. Lots of gardening on Sunday, and lots of throwing things out on the Saturday. How was your weekend? Does your family have a garden?

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi Sophie,

I appreciate the kind words and the email you guys have sent but I think just venting and talking on the forums is enough for me right now. I'm also super uncomfortable talking to counsellors of any kind especially if it's on the phone. But I'm safe and the stupid thoughts were more about self harm than suicidal intention so don't worry.

PL

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

Yeah the med change is not going well. I went to the gp today since I didn't go to work and he told me to basically go back on the old med and taper off this new one. Also he told me what the psychiatrist told him and apparently the reason meds haven't worked so well for me all these years is because it turns the depression and anxiety is secondary to my primary problem which turns out to be a personality disorder. So finding out I basically can't just solve everything just by taking meds is disheartening because I hate talk therapy. I did finally resign to potentially signing up for DBT (he has to email the psychiatrist behind this study first) but I hate the thought of going. I'm so terrified and nervous even just thinking about it.

I just. Idk. Everything feels pointless a bit. He also thinks it would be good for me to be on an antipsychotic but as needed rather than regularly but I hate hate hate taking them because of the weight gain and eating which makes me more anxious than anything and makes taking them a bit redundant. I know I'm being a difficult patient. But I just don't even really see the point in trying any of these things any more. Not like I'd ever "get better". All these things will stay for life. Doesn't feel worth the fight or the trouble I guess...

I'm so tired of everything. Feel like I'm on the verge of tears all day long these days. I don't really want to face tomorrow or go to work or get out of bed tomorrow. But I know I have to. God I just. Idk. I'm slowing everyone down at work too. I'm just so useless and such a pathetic burden on everyone I know and I can't stop fantasising about running away in one way or another.

Stupid thoughts are unfightable at this stage. It's so pathetic I can't even hurt myself to my "standard". Absolutely hate everything about myself and everything around me rn. I know I'm being ungrateful whiny and unappreciative; I'm sorry.

My mums place has a garden since she's really into it and has a big enough yard. My dads place not really since none of us really want to look after the lawn let alone a garden. Sounds like a productive weekend for you; props.

Hope you're doing well.

PL

[james1]

Hello PL,

Sorry to hear about how the doctor's appointment went. What personality disorder did they diagnose you with? I think we talked briefly about Borderline Personality Disorder before?

DBT is scary but that is okay. It is scary because it is making a change that perhaps you don't 100% want at the moment. Which is, again, totally okay and understandable. If it was easy, you probably would've done it by now.

What is the anti-psychotic for? I have another friend who is on them and also hates them. Perhaps this is something to discuss further with your GP or in a second session with the psychiatrist? It's really important that you aren't too overwhelmed by all the changes and that you understand (even if you don't 100% agree) with the therapy. There is always room to negotiate your therapy because even doctors don't know for sure what will be best. They just know of many different methods to try.

You are not being ungrateful or whiny or unappreciative. I do not agree with that at all. You respond to me in your own time - that is all I ask for, and that's all you've needed to do.

I didn't know your parents were separated. Mine are too. Perhaps we can talk about their places later.

How are you doing today? Did you go to work?

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

They didn't mention which personality disorder specifically but since they mentioned DBT my guess is borderline.

I think you've mentioned you've done a bit of DBT before. Have you found it to be helpful? I read up on it just then and even just reading about it makes me so anxious already. I agree that it would probably change things that I don't want to change at all right now or ever and that's probably why I'm so scared. I'm not ready to give up all these harmful coping mechanisms.

The anti-psychotic is for anxiety and sleep mainly. I've told and stressed to my gp how much the weight/eating side effects bother me but I don't think he takes them seriously. It's so true that most doctors really don't care about EDs unless the person is skeletal and emaciated (which I'm not).

I didn't know your parents were separated either. Do you still see them both if I may ask?

No I didn't go to work today. Felt really bad physically and mentally. Probably will work tomorrow though regardless if I should or not since I feel too guilty.

PL

[james1]

Hello PL,

Didn't get a chance to reply before. I've been sooo sick. I couldn't even hold down water or a single blueberry for 2 days 😞

Good on you for being so honest about what frightens you. DBT is definitely scary and it's very understandable to not feel ready to give up your coping mechanisms. We never are ready for something we do not know or understand. That's why we try and dip our toes in. See what it's like, see that maybe it's not too bad or even too different.

How do you find your GP? I remember you said you found the psychiatrist alright - how about your GP?

Yeah I do see them both, but very rarely. I don't think I've seen dad for about 3 months and mum...not properly for just as long. I speak to both in a kind of limited way every few weeks. When I lived at home with mum, I saw dad once a fortnight but I never stayed at his. It was too inconvenient. What piqued your interest about that?

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey James,

are you feeling better now? Maybe there's a stomach bug going around since a few people I know were/are getting sick. Sorry as well for not replying til now. I've been so caught up in reading (!!!) for the last few days so basically any time I wasn't at work I was just reading. It feels great since I've always been a bookworm but it's been years since I've had any motivation to read so much continuously.

Going to find out about whether this guy will take me in for his study with DBT on Monday so super nervous about that. I don't think a lot of people here offer DBT (or maybe just not many offer it bulk billed) so I kind of want to get in but also not so I can keep using my bad coping mechanisms.

My gp is okay I guess. I find it quite awkward to talk to Asian doctors when it comes to mental health issues (being Asian myself) since it's so uncommon in our culture to talk about these things. But my previous gp was so much worse because he was so invalidating and condescending.

Sorry if this is too personal a question but... do you not miss your parents since you don't see them often? Again I'm really sorry if that was a really personal question and feel free to not answer if you're uncomfortable with it. Idk what piqued my interest actually. I guess I was just thinking about my own situation with my parents and got thinking about yours? Not many of my friends have divorced parents (which is great) so I guess ive never really spoken about it a lot.

How's your week been?

PL