Empty and lost and so lonely

Piertotum_Locomotor · ‎15-07-2017

I feel so empty and lonely... I have plenty of close friends who I share lots of aspects of my life with. But I try to not tell them about how I feel too often because I feel so, so, SO EMPTY (sorry, no other word comes close to how I feel so I'm probably going to use it a lot) all the time and I don't want them to get sick of me. I'm sure they already are anyway. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The one thing I've wanted to do since I was 13, I can't. I'm just so lost and everyone around me seems to be moving forward, in at least one aspect of their lives. Whereas I'm just running around in circles.

As a little background, I'm 22 and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school. I'm on antidepressants and I'm still trying to find one that works even though I've tried (what feels like) all of them. I don't see a MH professional because I have lots of difficulty telling people how I feel and it's a thousand times worse when I have to do it in person. For about 1.5 years, things were manageable despite not being on any meds/seeing any professionals but then at the end of 2015 things got really bad again and they haven't gotten better since then. I've had to take a lot of study leave which makes me feel even worse about myself since I've always been seen as the "academic" friend of the group (straight A's in high school kind of person I guess) and it just makes me feel like I can't even do the one thing I'm decent at.

I don't know what the point of this was, other than that I know I just really need to get it out there because I really, really can't burden my friends any more than I already have. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I can barely formulate sentences in my head and remember them for more than 4 seconds at a time because I'm just finding it so hard to concentrate on anything. I'm sorry. Sorry if you ended up wasting your time to read this messy rant...

- PL

Piertotum_Locomotor · ‎10-07-2018

Starting to lose steam again and just feels like I'm going back to feeling nothing but emptiness. Don't really want to get out of bed or do anything other than sleep tbh. Even after sleeping so much I'm still so tired and I just want more sleep.

Maybe im just really bloody lazy. Maybe I'm like the laziest person on earth. Don't wanna get up to do anything. Why am I like this sigh.

james1 · ‎11-07-2018

Hey PL,

Singapore will be end August

Oh that's a shame about disneyland. We had the same issue! We chose disneyland over disneysea because we wanted to catch the fireworks and some of the shows, but it was such a windy day that all the parades and fireworks were cancelled. so disappointing!

Nah, not really. THey ask me what I want, I say i don't want anything, then they just pester me about getting something until we all forget, lol. and i don't really get presents from friends. I just buy myself a present. My sister gets me joke presents usually.

Good luck with the appointment today. Let us know how it goes 🙂 hopefully it goes well, but even if it doesn't, we'll be around to help you find a way forward.

Piertotum_Locomotor · ‎11-07-2018

Hi James,

The appointment actually went better than I thought. Thought for sure I'd end up a crying mess but I didn't even tear up so that's good... she was a nice lady as well so yeah overall wasn't too bad. Gonna be starting a new medication next week as I taper off my current one.

Just gotta get through this week now hahah... man I just wanna be in bed forever. Do you ever feel like you're just being extremely lazy rather than depression making you unmotivated/have no energy for anything? I don't know how to differentiate between the two and it's a question I've asked a lot but never found a satisfactory answer for yet.

Hope you're doing well and not feeling as tired anymore.

PL

james1 · ‎13-07-2018

Hello PL,

It sounds like the meeting went quite well. I'm glad to hear that and good on you for going in with an open mind about how it would turn out. How often will you be meeting?

Yeah I have often felt the same and I also don't know the answer to that. Perhaps instead, of giving you my confused answer, I can tell you about an article I read. It's called Laziness Dose Not Exist, and written by a psychologist called E Price. Basically, the article says that what we see as laziness is actually unseen barriers. That there is always a barrier which drives "lazy" behaviour, and perhaps we should not be so quick to judge others and ourselves. By understanding the barrier, we can learn how to stop the "lazy" behaviour.

I think for me, it can be quite easy to judge myself and say that there are no barriers. But that is why I leave that work for the psychologist visits. Rather than judging myself when I'm alone, I judge when I am with my psychologist who can help me guide those thoughts. Usually she can help me find a barrier I had dismissed for whatever reason.

What do you think of it all?

Piertotum_Locomotor · ‎15-07-2018

Hi James,

So I'm actually only meeting her the one time (i.e. Last Wednesday) unless i guess I ask for another referral to my gp.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by barriers... do you have an example?

Ive always tried to differentiate being lazy and being too depressed to do anything by whether or not I still want to anything while I'm in bed or not (usually like watching a show or a movie or whatever). But it's getting harder to judge myself this way since I never really feel like doing anything but also sometimes even when I'm in a really bad headspace or period, I will still feel like being on my phone or whatever to distract myself. So I don't really know anymore. Also, sorry if this makes no sense because my mind is so fuzzy right now. I guess tapering off these meds I've been on for so long is actually affecting me (which I find surprising since I never thought they were doing anything to me...).

Just not in a good space right now. Feels a bit like sensory overload and I just want to stay alone in my room in the dark for a bit. Too many feelings to do with hating myself too which is so exhausting. I'm so tired of being me sigh. I feel so disgusting.

Hope you're doing alright.

PL

james1 · ‎16-07-2018

Hello PL,

Sorry you were not feeling well. Tapering can make things go a bit haywire. How are you doing today?

I am doing well thanks. Did lots of gardening which has been long overdue. Brought a bunch of plants indoors and just been trying to get rid of insects/bugs/pests.

For barriers...depression is an example. Anxiety. Fear of failure...what we might normally think of as 'excuses' perhaps could be rephrased as a barrier. Why do people procrastinate? They are tired, they don't want to fail, they don't care. I think these are legitimate reasons why people don't do the things they should - perhaps, then, we aren't lazy ourselves either?

So in your case, I wonder the blurring of laziness/depression is because "laziness" has always been kind of a vague term we use to judge. it's not actually a 'real' category. It's saying, "I am mentally exhausted", but with a negative connotation.

Does that make sense?

Piertotum_Locomotor · ‎16-07-2018

Hello James,

I think I get what you mean by the barriers now... so is it essentially saying like rather than trying to differentiate when im "just being lazy" or if I'm going through a bad depressive episode, it's more like my "laziness" IS because of my depressive episode? So the depression is the barrier to doing things regardless if they're things I like or dislike doing?

Yeah still feeling pretty rubbish. Just the typical always-wanna-cry feeling, wanna isolate myself but my dad won't leave me alone and everything he says or does right now is just irritating me. The thought of work and having to interact with people is stressing me out too. Just feel really crap in general I guess. Two more days til I start the new med. Hope they'll do some good quickly...

PL

james1 · ‎17-07-2018

Hello PL,

Yep, that's how I think about it. It takes the critique out of something which doesn't need to be critical. We should be supporting people with depression, not putting them down for something which isn't their fault.

Are you back to work this week?

James

Piertotum_Locomotor · ‎18-07-2018

Hi James,

yeah that makes sense I guess. Just hard to not think of it as laziness when it comes to myself especially since I could be doing so much more.

Yep work as usual this week. Starting my new med tonight. Hope the new med won't have any weird side effects tomorrow morning and that their actual effects will work quickly. They're meant to be really good for increasing concentration and attention I think...

Hope you have a good day tomorrow.

PL

james1 · ‎19-07-2018

Hello PL

Yeah I can understand that. It is something I am working on too at the moment.

Okay, cool. Let us know how it goes!

p.s. 99 posts for you!!