Empty and lost and so lonely

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I feel so empty and lonely... I have plenty of close friends who I share lots of aspects of my life with. But I try to not tell them about how I feel too often because I feel so, so, SO EMPTY (sorry, no other word comes close to how I feel so I'm probably going to use it a lot) all the time and I don't want them to get sick of me. I'm sure they already are anyway. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The one thing I've wanted to do since I was 13, I can't. I'm just so lost and everyone around me seems to be moving forward, in at least one aspect of their lives. Whereas I'm just running around in circles.

As a little background, I'm 22 and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school. I'm on antidepressants and I'm still trying to find one that works even though I've tried (what feels like) all of them. I don't see a MH professional because I have lots of difficulty telling people how I feel and it's a thousand times worse when I have to do it in person. For about 1.5 years, things were manageable despite not being on any meds/seeing any professionals but then at the end of 2015 things got really bad again and they haven't gotten better since then. I've had to take a lot of study leave which makes me feel even worse about myself since I've always been seen as the "academic" friend of the group (straight A's in high school kind of person I guess) and it just makes me feel like I can't even do the one thing I'm decent at.

I don't know what the point of this was, other than that I know I just really need to get it out there because I really, really can't burden my friends any more than I already have. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I can barely formulate sentences in my head and remember them for more than 4 seconds at a time because I'm just finding it so hard to concentrate on anything. I'm sorry. Sorry if you ended up wasting your time to read this messy rant...

- PL

[james1]

Hey PL,

Sorry to hear you feel really weak. It's hard to change habits and you will get used to it, but I understand how tiring it can be.

I hope you don't mind if I point out that you are dipping into negative self-talk. I understand where you are coming from because I used to do it too. But have you spoken with your doctors in the past about how to stop it when it starts? For me, I would just not give it a voice. I may feel that way inside, but the less I gave those thoughts a voice, the less pressing they became.

I'm glad to hear about your job even if you are struggling a bit. It's very normal to find work tough and I do not think that is a reflection on either you or your mental illness. Everybody finds work stressful so good on you for challenging yourself. It sounds like you're taking a careful approach which is absolutely the right thing to do. There is no need to jump straight to full time when you are not feeling well, but pushing to try for 3 days a week is a really good way to keep developing.

My job is just at a bank and I will be travelling through north Asia. For singapore, I will be going for 5 days in August. It sounds like you've been to Singapore before? I've been once but only tagged along with someone on their shopping so I didn't really like it.

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

Yeah I basically only had negative self-talk 24/7 because of my thing with feeling guilty if I think anything positive. But recently I've just tried to not think so much and not to be so introspective I guess? Which helps with the negative self thinking since I don't give myself the opportunity to get to those thoughts yet I guess... I mean it's not positive self talk but at least I'm not constantly telling myself how utterly crap I am and how much of a waste of space I am (though writing this out right now makes me feel so guilty about not treating myself like crap all the time...). Luckily I've been so tired from work that it's been kind of easy to not think.

North asia, cool! Are we talking north as in Russia? Regardless, going so far for work seems kind of fun? Yeah I used to live close to Singapore so I've been a fair few times. Plus most flights I've been on transit there too. Haven't been there in the last couple of years though so haven't seen a lot of the cool new places like gardens by the bay. Hope you enjoy it a lot more this time around!!

PL

[james1]

Hey PL,

I'm really happy to hear that you have tried to be less introspective. I feel like introspection is useful if you can do it from a neutral frame of mind. Unfortunately when we have depression, that is really difficult which is why we have psychologists to help us. So it is good to hear that you are trying to avoid situations which can send you down that tunnel. I know myself that it is very hard to avoid, so that is good to hear.

Nah, just around Hong Kong and China. I think it'll be more tiring than fun, haha.

Ah cool. Yeah I went to Malaysia last time I went to the region and spent about 2-3 weeks there which was fun. KL, Langkawi, Penang, KL, Malacca, Singapore. Thank you. Me too, lol.

have you travelled recently?

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey James,

Thank you 🙂 Oooh Hope you have fun in China and HongKong! Hmmm... I've travelled semi-recently I guess? The last time I went travelling was in 2016 when I went to Japan twice which was really awesome. Love it and can't wait to go back. Have you been?

How was your weekend and how are you doing recently?

I took my dog to a dog park this weekend for another dog's birthday but my dog is very antisocial and anxious around other dogs and becomes really aggressive. So it did not go all that well but omg seeing so many corgis in one place was amazing!! Hopefully I can bring my dog to dog parks more often and get him desensitised since it looks like he wants to join in but then gets aggressive as soon as a dog gets close...

Also coming up on that psychiatrist appt and I'm getting nervous ugh.

Hope you have a good week 🙂

PL

[james1]

Hello PL,

Sorry about my late response. Been super busy.

Japan...I have been to Japan. My photo is from a cat cafe in Tokyo. Where did you go?

Cute! Is your dog a corgi too? How old is he?

Oh it is certainly difficult when appointments come up. When is your appointment? You can talk to us right before to tell us how you feel if that helps.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

No problems about replying late.

Ah! I have mixed feelings about those animal cafes that are so popular in Japan because on one hand they're awesome for petting animals but on the other hand sometimes they're so cramped for space I just feel bad for the animals... I've been to Tokyo, Kyoto, Osaka, Nara, Sapporo and Otaru. Would love to go around all of Japan though. Absolutely love how clean and orderly everything is there!

Yeah my doggo is a corgi too! He's coming up on 11 but you'd never know it looking at him tbh. Makes me sad though that he's already over 10... :'( honestly don't know what I'll do when *that* time comes...

My appt is next week on the 11th... super nervous thinking about all the questions they'll ask and how judgmental they probably will be since I stopped taking my meds and how I'm always being difficult and how it probably looks like I don't even suffer from any of the things I've supposedly been diagnosed with in the past and ugh just thinking about it makes my heart pound.

How are you doing?

PL

[james1]

Hello PL,

Ah yeah. I've not seen any particularly bad cafes thankfully. But I have heard stories.

Wow you sure have travelled a lot around Japan. Did you have a favourite place? Mine was definitely Tokyo. It's such a varied city and I don't normally like cities, but I could go around there for ages.

Cute! Sounds like he's still very excitable. Have you had him since he was a baby?

Ah okay. I understand the nervousness. It's probably important to remember that even if they may seem like they are being judgemental, they probably are just misspeaking. How would you want to help them understand how you feel in terms of feeling judged? Perhaps you can tell them straight up that you are afraid of them judging you?

I am well. Just back in Sydney now so quite tired.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hello,

welcome back to Australia 🙂 how was your trip? Was this the work or the Singapore trip?

out of everywhere in Japan, gotta say I loved... everywhere I guess haha. Every city I've been to had so many special things about them that other cities didn't. I just love so many things about Japan.

Yeah had him since he was 3 months old and he was tiny... and now he's a massive snuggly nearly-11 year old bread loaf :'(

i think I'll have to see what kind of person the psychiatrist is first... if they have an unfriendly vibe, it's kinda hard to tell them I'm scared they're judging me because I'll Feel like they won't even care anyway I guess? Idk. Thankfully it's just a one time meeting I guess.

My birthday is tomorrow... kind of always hate the days surrounding my birthday since I've usually done stupid self destructive things on my birthdays. Plus getting older feels weird. And just feeling so unhappy about so many things I haven't achieved or the way I am now. Had a family dinner tonight which was lovely but my little brother was being an ass and didn't end up going. There's always something that goes wrong lol. Ugh. Whatever. Really hope nothing else goes wrong sigh. I'm so tired of crying and being upset at everything.

[james1]

Hello PL

this was the work trip. quite tired and a few issues here and there, but otherwise just happy to be back.

haha it sounds like japan was a great trip for you. did you also go to disneyland/sea?

i call my rabbit a loaf because sometimes he goes into loaf mode and literally looks like a bread loaf. it's quite funny.

Yeah i understand how you feel about the psychiatrist. It can sometimes even feel like we're giving them reasons to judge us, so we hide things to avoid that judgment. but just to throw things upside down, if they wont' care anyway and its a one-off, couldn't the risk be worth it? if they do care, they will try to help and you will be able to have that connection. if they don't care, you never see them again anyway. i have always found it easier (not at the time, but in hindsight) to deal with that possible shame straight away, rather than have it linger in the back where we hide it. Just a thought, as we do deal with things differently and I totally understand how difficult it is.

happy birthday for yesterday! Getting old sucks when we are feeling really down about ourselves and don't feel like we've gone anywhere. I'm glad to hear the family dinner went alright. sometimes it can be more helpful to think about the things we have achieved. I'm not a sunshine and happiness person, but i do think that if nothing else, you did really well to manage your work situation as an RA.

do you get presents for your birthday?

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey James,

Sorry to hear the work trip didn't go as smoothly as you wanted to. When is your trip to Singapore?

Yeah we went to Disneyland on our second time to Japan but it was raining and in December so it was kind of the worst time to go. Didn't even see the grand fireworks they usually do at night 😞

omg I wish I could see your rabbit being a loaf!! That sounds so adorable.

Yeah I've never thought about it like that actually - that there's kind of nothing to lose since I'm only going to be seeing her once. To be completely honest, a part of me is kind of... excited? to see her so that I can hopefully be on the right track in terms of meds. But I know I shouldn't get my hopes up since I've trialled so many and still haven't found the right one.

I usually get presents from my friends but I haven't seen them yet (my dinner with them will be this Saturday). My mum also usually gets me something but otherwise we're not a big presents giver (except me lol since I love giving people presents). Do you usually get presents for your birthday?

PL