Constant blues and not knowing what to do with it

[Guest_322]

Hi,

The title basically says it all. I'm something of a sad sack (have been for most of my life).

Some people's trauma seems to come out predominantly as PTSD. Not me, mine seems to show itself as a constant state of blues instead (either that or I'm turning into my mum).

I kind of just want to stay in bed all day. Luckily I'm usually good at dragging my arse of of bed.

Not sure if this thread serves any purpose other than looking for fellow sad sacks- I say this affectionately as I am one of them- who can empathise?

Also, anyone who has had a traumatic childhood but without PTSD?

Dottie x

[Guest_322]

Hi there,

Just wanting to vent. Not sure where I'm going with this. To an extent, I'm used to the blues. BS described it beautifully as it comes and goes in waves but it's always there (like a low grade fever).

Sometimes I feel like I'm absolutely shattered on the inside. When every part of you hurts but you're not entirely sure why. Yeah, that feeling.

Dottie

[james1]

Hey Dottie,

I noticed you'd been relatively quiet recently and was just hoping it was a matter of being more busy with uni. It might be that, but regardless I just wanted to say that because it can be nice to know you're being thought of when you're feeling down.

I feel like there was a "...but" after you said you're used to the blues. Was there one or am I just putting words in your mouth?

It sucks you're feeling the way you are. It's really disappointing and distressing when you just can't shake that low grade fever, and I don't think people quite get that chronic part of depression. They get sadness, but not chronic sadness. I think people can understand how life would be totally shuioet if you just had a cold all the time, but it doesn't seem to apply to mental health for some reason.

Anyway, it sounds like you're not having a very great time right now. Have you got any music you can listen to which helps? I sometimes listen to music soundtracks actually. There's some good movie music 🙂

James

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

Thank you for making me feel heard and thank you for being here above all else.

Yeah (sighs), there probably was a "but" except I suddenly felt tired and didn't want to write much more. I get what you mean by the chronic part. Chronic blows.

The "but" is a whole range of things although it's mostly the double bind that I feel as though I'm in. Talking about the past is painful but apparently not talking about it is painful too. It's as though I can't win either way. Hence the double bind feeling.

Dottie x

[blondguy]

Hey Dottie

Thanks for posting back 🙂

At the risk of being repetitive (on other threads I try to help on) I wasted 13 years of my life dodging counseling..because as you mentioned its painful.

My mistake was not committing myself to being healed (I held all that bad stuff about me being a kid inside)

I had a visit with a psychiatrist or psychologist and they never really did much. I was in my 'comfort zone'

Over 10 years into the anxiety & depression (and getting worse) I called for a community based mental health worker. He came out once as a courtesy and helped me with some basic therapy.

He firmly said "I will help you recover from this bad place but I will need to see you every Tuesday of every week for a minimum of six months"

I just thought....oh my god.....noooo (but said yes as I needed the help)

I turned up every Tuesday morning for over six months and he had me crying my heart out in the third visit. He just pressed my 'uncomfortable' or 'painful' buttons......I was in my late 20's and cried about all the crap I had buried that no one could access....

I went home and fell asleep....exhausted...scared....terrified that he knew which buttons to press....

24 Hours later I felt like a new person....This guy was a humble psychiatric nurse but a good one....he has still done better than any therapist I have ever seen. He gave me my life back....and it was free lol.

Whoops...long post....I hope there was something there that may be a tiny help

kindest

Paul x

[MarkJT]

Dottie, I am going with Paul's post above. I can relate to this precisely when i went through exposure therapy for my PTSD. It was not a pleasant experience that is for sure but let me tell you this, if i was to relapse today, i would be booking in to do it again tomorrow.

Exposure therapy released me from my nightmares and flashbacks. I had to do it to move on. I to was completely exhausted after it and would take a few days to recover but it was so worth it.

I would encourage you to tackle your past, yes it will hurt and it won't feel good but the way i thought of me was that i had a heap of poison in me and by talking about it, the poison was leaving me.

If you are going to do this, ensure that you are in a safe place with a good clinician.

Mark.

[james1]

Hey Dottie,

Yeah I know what you mean about just being tired and not wanting to continue. Sorry, I didn't mean to press. It's okay if you're not up to it.

There've been times in my psych sessions where I get to a point and...I just stop talking because I know I'm not ready. And I'm getting better at telling the difference between the 'self-defence' not ready, and the 'actually I will break' not ready.

That said, I know that there are things that I can talk about and possibly one day I can come back to the things I can't talk about. I don't want to write them off, but...just not now.

James

[Guest_322]

Thank you, Paul, Mark and James.

I really appreciate all the support.

Sorry for the late response. I've just been thinking...

Dottie x

[Guest_322]

Hi guys,

Thanks again for the support and sharing your personal stories. It means a lot even if I don't always express my appreciation very well.

I think, right now, I don't want to go back to therapy. Spent about 4 years in it before and not sure I want to revisit that experience again or at least not in the immediate future (I have my reasons).

I'm not sure what the answer is for me but I'm sure that I'll figure it out in good time. Resisting the urge to SH and feeling kind of lonely so thought that I would jump on here and just blab.

Maybe I'll get back into painting or drawing to get some of the feelings out of my system. The arts have always been my saving grace. I don't really like (personal) writing much these days. There was a time that I used to enjoy it but not so much these days.

You know how some people journal? My equivalent is to record my own thoughts on a voice memo (same concept as a written journal but just in auditory form). I just respond better to sound than I do to its visual equivalent.

Anyway, I better turn in for the night soon. Long day ahead of me.

thanks for reading,

Dottie x

[Zeal]

Hey Dottie,

Though I don't follow your posts on these threads (but certainly do in Friends Café of course), I can't fathom you not expressing your appreciation. You have always been grateful to others here on the forum, even if it's not directly stated (though I have certainly seen you state it).

It's fair enough that you don't want to go back to therapy. Four years is a substantial commitment, and you've been diligently working through painful issues. This would be exhausting. I don't have personal advice to offer, but I really wanted to post anyway. I don't usually post on long threads, aside from Friends Café. I only post on the forum once or twice a week now, usually on Friday mornings.

Voice recording is a unique way to capture thoughts. Listening back could stimulate new ways of thinking about issues, but could possibly be triggering.

Do you currently practice mindfulness in any form? I think I remember you mentioning mindfulness, but I could be wrong!

I hope your day is going well 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[james1]

Hey Dottie,

Like Zeal said, 4 years is a biiig commitment so it's no wonder you're just not feeling ready.

I had a sea urchin story that I'll just retell here in a condensed way.

I stepped on a sea urchin and got some spines in my foot. Some were pretty deep and I couldn't get them out at the time. I really tried and sat at the pool for about an hour and half with a needle basically digging into my foot. Eventually it just got too bloody and I couldn't see the spines anymore, so I gave up. I left them in there for a good few months until one day, I noticed the skin that had grown above it was peeling slightly and the spine looked like it had come up higher. I quickly got my needle and out the spine came. No blood at all - I just managed to get it at the right time.

Moral of the story: sometimes things are better left alone. They're too deep, there've been too many walls built up over that digging through these is just too painful a process and you forget what you're looking for. But every now and then, you'll notice the walls have come down slightly. Then it's important to do that digging and get the damn spine out for good.

I hope your day is okay - voice memoing sounds like a great idea. I have a friend who started that. I want to do it too, but more for story writing.

James