Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Sophie_M]

Hi Hannah,

We're so sorry to hear that you've been going through so much. We can understand that it must be a really turbulant time for you, turning 18 and having your mental health support change like this. We think you are so strong, and we are so glad to hear that things have improved a bit over the last few weeks. It's great to see you back on the forums.

Please remember that you are being kept up at night by urges or unhelpful thoughts, you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Help Line - https://kidshelpline.com.au/  Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 for young people aged 25 and under via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided.
Please feel free to express yourself here whenever you think it might be helpful to 'get it out'. We're all here for you on the forums anytime you're feeling up to it.

 

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Welcome back, I'm glad you are here even if it is in difficult times. I'm OK thanks, and laying this on me is fine, you are right, you do need to let it out. I'm not going to go though it all episode by episode, you get enough of that already I'm sure. So just a few thoughts

Turning 18 is not good for dealing with health services, the government does not make it easy, though I'm glad you were able to go back to the sub-acute after that last attempt. A bit of familiar territory.

I'm a bit worried about your "fall back down" idea. Sometimes I can walk to the end of my driveway without using a stick them before you know it I'm having to use one again all the time. I don't think I suffered a defeat, instead I had a moment of victory. If things were different I'd try to extend that, however -unlike you - my problem is degenerative, yours is one that can have an awful lot of improvement.

So you have ups and downs. You also know some of the warning signs, no exercise, no therapy and all the rest

Ok if you can realise that then what's a good panic button you can press? One that makes others act. You tell me (please)

Trying to turn your thoughts around and 'fighting' the impulse, that's hard. And the more you fight it the more you think abut it.

As I've no doubt told you umpteen times distraction can work, it can take your mind away, things to enjoy (no, not overeating:) things (even very small ones ) to look forward to each day.

That reminds me "Our Little Sister" the Japanese film is in SBS On Demand ATM.

I don't think you are like the girls in those Billie Eilish songs, they all saw themselves as a drag. You have light inside you, plus kindness. Worry about laying it all on on me and asking how I am. That's worth a lot, as are you.

I don't know if the do but your parents should be prod of you, living your life wresting mental crocodiles is no small thing.

頑固に　そして勇敢にワニと戦う事にだ

Have you heard from your grandparents?

So please dig me out another song from anywhere you like yourself. It does not have to be happy, only rule is it does not put yourself down.

I've got my fingers crossed you will get on with the new psych, if not the possibly time for a private psychiatrist - like I have - and a rethink all round (again)

I enjoy hearing from you (despite what you may think)

Croix

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

It is beyond fabulous to hear from you, albeit that you are struggling right now and times are bloody tough, I can hear in your post how exhausted you are, however believe it or not I can hear hope....I hear that you want to reach out to others, to share your pain and your wisdom, to hold the hand of another and to be a light that perhaps you are not able to find for yourself. I understand that so very much at the moment in that sometimes being able to support another and to be a post to lean on for another hurting it actually provides a post for you too.

Tik Tok I think is so wonderful in that not only is it a platform for people to feel included and to feel acceptance and feel like the are apart of something, particularly for those who do struggle with fitting in and who they are and why the are here...sure there are the haters and the people who want to drag others down, real life huh....I am so addicted to it and my kids are just cringing in the corner as I post ...lol....my son let me know his friends only follow me as they think I am a goose..whatever..lol

I just want to acknowledge the attempts you have made on your life. It is not an easy thing to have to speak I am sure, I just want to say though that I respect you for talking about it as you do Hannah, while it pains me to read, I also want to let you know, as I hope you do know, that I do care about you, I think of you often, it grinds me that we don't have a vaccine for mental illness...I just wish it never existed, as you do too. We are here for you, that almost seems so pathetic to offer, but I would shift a mountain if I could for you, but I can't so instead you have my support, my respect and my admiration, of a woman who is stronger than she knows.

Chat soon and hugs to Winnie xx

Sarah xx

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sophie,

Thanks for your concern and support, it means a lot.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

The sub-acute will be a place I'm able to go to until I'm 21 thankfully, so that's one thing that is staying the same. Also the doctor that is kind of in charge of it has been my doctor for a number of months at the child and youth mental health services so we know each other well. And of course I've got a good relationship with the rest of the nurses and support workers there.

Yeah it's hard to convince myself that feeling worse and needing more support isn't a "fall backwards" or a "failure". I just feel extremely guilty and shameful walking back through the doors of hospital or the subacute when I thought last time would be the last of it. Especially when I compare myself with other people who have only needed one hospital visit or one subacute visit and they've never looked back, I feel kind of embarrassed and hopeless.

I don't really know but I feel like I tried really hard to reach out for help this time but no one listened or knew how to help. I tried to tell my case manager but I couldn't get the words out in our appts, and since I turned 18 we have been trying to cease contact which meant I didn't/couldn't contact her outside our appt times, she asked me to call the adult acute care team instead. When I tried getting their help they had the right intentions but were pretty useless. I tried to get help from them a few times, first time the lady I spoke to (she already knew me from previous hospital visits) she didn't get the point that I was in crisis so that didn't help. The next day I called again and was about to take my life and they sent an ambulance to pick me up and take me to hospital, then they sent me home with a home visit a few days later. In the home visit they were nice but they didn't listen at all and didn't really realise that I was not doing well and left me. I called again the night I tried to take my life but once again he didn't get the point that I was very close to taking my life so after the call I left home and attempted. I tried telling my DBT therapist but similar to my case manager, I don't think I got the right words out. I also tried contacting a friend but he didn't get the severity of the situation. So really, I don't know what more I could've done.

[Idontevenknow]

I tried distraction as my main technique to cope but there was only so long I could push away and ignore my urges before they got too strong that I couldn't cope. And you're right, fighting the urges sometimes only makes them stronger or makes you think about it more.

I'll have a look at that movie Our Little Sister on SBS demand.

I think my parents are proud of me but they are also constantly beating themselves up over it and blaming themselves for what I'm going through. It makes me feel worse and I try and tell them not to blame themslves, its not their fault but they don't listen. I just feel horrible for dragging them through this, if I just died the first time it would all be over by now.

I haven't heard from my grandparents recently, I don't talk to them that often, it's often just my parents that do but I think they're alright. I talked to my grandparents on my mum's side a few weeks ago and they seem to be coping alright with the coronavirus, the only reason they're leaving the house at the moment is to get groceries from the shop down the road so I think they're safe.

Another artist I like that I've liked for a while is Twenty One Pilots. They make music to express themselves, some to do with mental health or things they've gone through so a lot of their fans are people going through things like that. You might've heard 'Stressed Out' or 'Ride' before but I also like, 'Migraine', 'Car Radio', 'Truce', 'Kitchen Sink' and 'Fake You Out'. Some of them are a bit depressing, but I don't think they put myself down, its more just expressing how I'm feeling.

I've met the private psychologist once and she seems nice, I've heard lots of good things about her. I'll also probably get a private psychiatrist just for the medication side of things mainly. The psychiatrist I am planning to see actually used to be my doctor for a few months at child and youth mental health services but she left to start her private practice, I like her a lot.

I enjoy chatting to you and Sarah as well.

Thanks,
Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

I am very exhausted, I tired of having to fight my own head every single moment of the day. I try and find hop and reach out to others for support but they really can't do much. Sometimes I just feel like stopping all therapy and medication altogether to see if I'll survive and if I don't, oh well.

Helping others can sometimes make me feel better I guess. I've had a few people on TikTok reach out to me because they're struggling and being able to help them is rewarding. I've also had lots of comments from random people trying to support me which is incredible. TikTok does bring lots of people and niches together which is nice. And yeah, who cares what others think of your content on TikTok, as long as you like it haha.

Thank you so much for your kind words and support, it does mean a lot. I wish there was a vaccine against it too, it would make life so much better. If I do manage to stay alive I want to do everything I possibly can to help people who struggle with their mental health. I want to be like this mental health advocate, her name is Jazz Thornton, I found her on TikTok. She has gone through so much in her life and similarly to me, thought that ending her life was the only option. But now she has done so much to help spread awareness about mental health, you should look her up!

I don't know how the hell I'm meant to get through this but I'll try. With the support of you and Croix and my friends and family and everyone else, I'll try.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hello my friend

I have a few moments here today when reading your post...I almost called out Jazz to you when we first started talking about Tik Tok, what a beautiful girl with a damn hard story to tell. I follow her too....she is so strong and has so much "lived" experience, she has a knack of being able to connect and the fact that there is hope is right there is that she is alive, she is functioning and SHE IS HAPPY....she is a fighter....she is exactly like you Hannah! You too are already doing what she is doing, who knows, one day you too might write a book, the possibilities are endless and I believe you have so very much to offer.

I am so devastated at how you reached out and didn't get the support you needed Hannah, it is so frustrating for you and I can hear this, you did reach out, you did all you could and I am so glad you did...sometimes maybe just going back to the start and to basics might help, just a call to Lifeline...or even here to Beyond Blue. Sure they don't have the history but at a time when you are feeling so helpless maybe the history doesn't matter and it is finding what you need in that very moment...just a thought.

I can hear how exhausted you are and that being in your own head and trying to fight ..not only to stay alive but..not to die..and I know that they are very different. I am so happy to hear that you will try, that you don't know how you are going to get through this, but you are going to try...that is enough sometimes, just trying.

Huge hugs to you and I so enjoy talking to you too Hannah, I just wish I had the answers, as I am sure you do too, that I had the words and that I could make a difference to your life.

Hope WInnie is good and that she is enjoying the Tik Tok scene too, I am sure you have her feature from time to time...lol

Hugs Hannah

Your friend

Sarah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

>" just feel horrible for dragging them through this, if I just died the first time it would all be over by now."

Um

Story time I guess, as in true story:- " When I was very suicidal before I tried to kill myself instead of worrying about my family I had a change of view. I felt that my death would release my family, who after a while of grief, would have gone on the a new and better life.This made it easier to take my life.

I don't normally talk abut this next bit but you raised the subject. When my partner found out what I'd been thinking she was devastated and told me the truth, for her and the rest of my family it would NEVER be over. Guilt lasts, full stop.

I was wrong, so are you.

Now I'm not trying to box you into a corner and make you feel more obliged to stay, or more guilty, it is not you being at fault at all any more than it was me. I'm saying all three of you have been presented by life with the exact same disaster, it injures all of you in one way or another and you will cope with it all together, and I think you will win.

OK so you do not manage to convince indifferent medical beaurocrats of the urgency of the situation, this will be partly due to your age, and partly their lack of professionalism.

Do you think you can get together with your parents and come up with a set of danger signals, or the right words or documents to make authoriies take action when needed?

One simple thing perhaps - Tell your DBT therapist if you ring after ?nine? then action has to happen at once no matter what you say. Those are the sort of example you and your parents can come up with.

While I'm busy lecturing I would like to point out to you that whenever you walk back through the doors of the hospital or subacute, you ought to think who in fact should be feeling guilty and sameful. You have not failed, you are attcked by crocodiles and fight, they have not given you what you need.

I like "Truce", true the words are a mix of hope fear and death, but as you say, if that is how you feel then that is how you feel. Helps me try to walk a few steps in your shoes.

After all Truce does mean there is hope for an end to fighting with both parties ok 停戦協定

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

Jazz is so inspirational. I don't feel like I'm like her that much. We've gone through similar things but she seems much stronger and more of a role model than I'll ever be.

It is kind of tough that I tried so hard to reach out for support with little to no luck. It made me feel more helpless and hopeless than ever. I used to contact Lifeline or Kids Helpline when I first started feeling suicidal and had no one else to help. Now I feel bad if I want to call them because I have other options I can take and there are people that probably need it more than me, or are in the same position I used to be where contacting them was pretty much my only option for help and if I contacted them I'd just be using up resources.

It is so exhausting. I've realised suffering with suicidal thoughts/tendencies is like having a little person in your head that you have to look after. All they want to do is go and hurt you but instead you have to distract them and be like "watch this movie instead" or "let's go for a walk to see how pretty the world is". You take them to therapy to try and change their ways but nothing has worked. And I guess sometimes that extra support is needed like hospital just to pass the responsibility of looking after that little person to someone else so I can catch my breath again. But you can't stay there forever so you have to keep fighting to keep yourself safe from this person.

I'm trying really hard but I honestly don't know whats going to change how I feel. I know emotions change and they do but whenever they change they never change positively, they always stay on the dark side.

Winnie has been in a few of my TikToks, they're always some of the funniest ones. I wish I could show you.

Thanks,

Hannah