Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Sophie_M]

Hi Hannah, 

Your analogy of having a little person in your head is an apt description - have you ever tried creative writing? We understand it must be exhausting, it does sound like you've been trying really hard and we think you are so strong. We're all here to listen anytime you need to vent. 

Please know that if you are ever feeling that you want to contact Lifeline or Kids Helpline, you are more than welcome to do so regardless of having other forms of support. If you find it positive for you, we would strongly encourage it. You contacting them does not equal someone else missing out.

Keep us updated, it sounds like TikTok has been lots of fun!
 

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

I think I have a similar view to what you used to have.truly still believe that life would be easier for everyone if I died than if I continued living. Either way would be bad, but me staying alive would be more painful for them. I can just imagine if I kept on living that in their heads they might not wish me dead but they would wish that I wasn't around to bother/burden them. Even though people have told me otherwise and that I can't control what other people's reaction to me dying/living would be, I still wholeheartedly believe it would be better for me to be dead and I don't think anything will ever change that. But I guess its true, my parents and I are all in this together, we will try and get through this together.

I think discussing some ways to get the message across to people that I'm not doing well is on the cards. I haven't had the chance to talk to my therapists much about it yet. The only problem is that the situation might unintentionally turn into a "boy who cried wolf" situation. Because I feel like I'm in crisis quite often but its only 1 out of maybe 10 or 20 times that I'll actually act on it and its really difficult for me to decipher when those times will be. So if I am always calling out that I'm in crisis, they might stop believing me or take me less seriously.

I'll see my DBT therapist this week and I'll talk to her about it, not sure how much help she'll be able to give me because I'll only be able to see her until the end of Jun. I'm actually seeing my doctor atchild and youth mental health who's in charge of the subacute faclity next week because I have two planned admissions there. One for the 8th of June for two or three days and one on the 22nd of June for two or three days. It was an idea my doctor had to keep coming back every few weeks a while to see if going there and stabilising would help keep me safe,out of hospital. I'll discuss reaching out for help with the team at the sub acute because they'll be able to help me until I'm 21.

It's weird though that they've supported people and they've never come back but they've supported me in what I think is the same way and I keep coming back. I guess something they are or aren't doing plays a part in it.

Truce is a good song I like to play when I feel down, even though I'm trash at singing, I'll sometimes sing along so I can really try and believe the words. And yeah truce would mean there's hope to an end of fighting with both parties.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Sophie_M]

Hi Hannah,

We're sorry to hear that you're feeling like a burden to others. Please know that you are a valued member of our community here. We're just getting in touch with you privately to check in.

It sounds like you have a good plan in finding a way to get the message across to others when you're not doing well. Please feel free to keep us updated here on how your appointment goes this week.

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

This is only a short post, but not becuse it is you, just other things.

I guess if I were to say to you that you could be wrong, what would you think? No way? Not me? Um...

We talked about crisis signals a long time ago, dolls if I remember.

I guess one idea might be that the signal says you are in a bad place, not that your just about to kill yourself. When in a bad place it can go either way of course, better or worse.

Suppose you gave a signal and your parents or whoever you signaled came, and you improved. True it might have happened anyway, but think of the effect on them -a real boost.

Crying wolf does not come into it.

Sorry this is short, longer next time.

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sophie,

I've never really done creative writing other than when I was in school. I'm not really into creative things that much other than dance, I think my mind is more systematic and that kind of thing. And I'm also pretty crap at that kind of thing lol.

I'll think about contacting Kids Helpline or someone like that next time I'm in crisis.

I'll keep you all updated on how my appt goes and on my TikTok account, up to 3579 followers now (not that its about that but it helps knowing I can help/entertain/make that many people feel less alone).

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

When people try and tell me I am wrong I just say/think, no they just don't understand or its different for me in my situation. Sorry I keep explaining in analogies but sometimes they're the easiest way to explain the way I think. But it's like everyone is trying to convince me that the sky is green when I can so clearly see that it's blue and I can't see it any other way, like it's ridiculous if you think it's green.

Yeah I guess when I'm in a bad place it can only get better or worse. I'll think more on it. I kind of feel like the boy who cried wolf though because last time before I attempted, when I sought help no one kind of took me seriously and I assume its because I always want to kill myself an I'm always asking for someone to help. Not that anything has really helped, oh well.

Mum, dad and I are going to take Winnie for a walk later by a creek near my old school/my sister's current school before we pick her up. We took Winnie there the other day and she loved it. Dad is only working three days a week at the moment so I'm spending more time with him and mum.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

I wanted to talk about Jazz and that her position in the spot light makes her a role model, not her story and not her beliefs and not her strength and her determination. So there is no reason that if you are spending your time also trying to reach out to others with hope, with reflection of your story, with ways that have worked for you to grab on to hope and what you need in your times there is no reason at all that you too will not be a role model for others.

I also wanted to bring up something that I am sure you have seen her talk about but instead of listening to Jazz say these words that Esther asked of her, I want to put these words out here for you. This is not easy for me to write this as I don't want to upset or to trigger but to create thought and create a need..to fight.

So she was asked if she felt like she was fighting, when she told her nurse she was tired of fighting, she asked her if she was fighting..or if she was surviving...so with the definitions here please fight Hannah:

Surviving: To continue to live or exist in hardship. To manage to keep going in difficult circumstances.

Fighting: To engage in a battle or war to conquer, DESTROY an adversary.

Lifeline, Kids helpline Beyond Blue, whomever it may be, no one is more or less deserving that anyone else, the resources are there to be used and they are there for our community, to reach out and to give them hope and support. Sometimes talking to someone who doesn't know the whole back story could be a breath of fresh air in that you can just share the here and now and perhaps the person you get to speak to may have something that gels with you in that time. That conversation might be your "Esther" moment.

I am so pleased to hear that you have some admissions coming up, I just wanted to say though to what you said to Croix "It's weird though that they've supported people and they've never come back but they've supported me in what I think is the same way and I keep coming back. I guess something they are or aren't doing plays a part in it." Just as these people may never come back, we don't actually know that, also the "other" people have issues that are not like yours, everyone is so different and just like anxiety looks different for people so too does suicidal thoughts and depression. True that something they are doing or aren't doing does play a part in that, can I say though that you are here, something in some way is working Hannah.

Hugs

Sarah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Well I did not seriously think I could magically change your mind, but (this is my cunning plan) I'm hoping to plant a seed that as some stage might grow as you and circumstances change, so for now green skies ok.

Now the other half of what I said , which was basically to seek help earlier, now that might be something you could consider. It may help you before things get really bad and allow others to see how you are feeling before you go right down. No wolves involved

Keeping someone alive does take great deal of skill, knowledge and care by medical staff, it also takes a spark from the person themselves. I know you have that spark. Others can see you do want to survive, except when completely overwhelmed, and they respond to that, just as we do here. I'm sure they wished they cold do more and will be looking for ways to do that.

I've told you before but will again, you are intelligent, imaginative, have empathy, bravery and a sense of fun. You are worth an awful lot of effort to help you pass beyond this time in your life to something much better.

You said you were spending more time with your dad, so may I ask you what sort of person he is? His interests, things he has done he feels are achievements, perhaps, if you are able to talk frankly, what he wishes he had done differently.

I'm not talking about his attitude to you or your predicament, but in himself about himself. From schooldays to now. Does that sort of make sense?

I'm sure you are able to relate things in a way that protects your identities. Do you think you might like to do that?

It's late so you will have had your walk and retrieved your sister by now - I'm sure Winnie would have enjoyed it - did you?

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

I've seen some videos of Jazz explaining that story before and at first it didn't really click. I thought "you need to fight in order to survive" but looking back on it after seeing and reading the definitions a few times, it kind of makes sense. I really want to read her book to gain an even better understanding of it.

I kind of had a breakthrough the other day that I kind of see relates to that. The past maybe year and a half my whole world has been so so focused on (committing) suicide. Every single thing I did was impacted by my chronic thoughts of suicide. It was my whole world. If I could use one word to describe the past year it would be suicide. I had a breakthrough the other day that, I could still commit suicide, that is always an option, but I shouldn't waste my life away surrounding every single aspect of my life to it. Now, I'm trying to get on with my life, still at the moment with strong thoughts of suicide and the intention to end my life, but I'm trying to build a "normal" life back up. I don't know if that makes sense but its the best way I can think of coping right now. So now instead of just "surviving" these bad thoughts and urges, I'm trying to "fight" my way to live a normal life, and maybe even one day live a life without suicidal thoughts. I know its not exactly the way its meant to be interpreted but it works for me in my situation at the moment.

It also kind of relates to a thing I've just learnt in DBT called "radical acceptance". It means to

Completely and totally accepting something from the depths of your soul, with your heart and your mind. You stop fighting reality.

You should read up about it, the first time I was taught it, it didn't really make sense but it's actually a really good concept.

This day exactly one year ago was my first day at the subacute clinic ever (also their first day of opening). Its funny to look back on what has happened since then. This day one year ago I was so scared and lost. I had just spent 8 days in hospital after a suicide attempt. I was so determined in that suicide attempt to end my life that I didn't know what to do with myself still being alive. I feel like it was the beginning of my recovery journey, even though I've gone through somehow much harder and lower times since then, it was when I first began my journey to get better. It's when people actually kind of started to listen to me.

Thanks for all your constant support,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

Maybe one day I'll change my mind, but for now yes, green skies.

I have been thinking a lot about seeking help early. I've realised my mood/suicidal urges have a pattern where for a week or two I'm okay, I get on with my daily life. Then for four to eight weeks I'll slowly fall into a deep depression. At the moment I've had my week and a half of being okay and I can tell I'm slowly falling down. But this time me and some of the people around me are preparing. One of the main things are the planned admissions to the subacute facility. I'm also getting my new psychologists and psychiatrists organised for a smooth as possible transition to them. The second planned admission will be in the week with my last appointment with my case manager and DBT therapist so I can have that extra support around me during that time. And also by then I'll probably be pretty depressed and suicidal. I'm also just doing other little things to hopefully help me when I'm feeling down. I wrote a motivational letter to my future self and filled my current playlist with motivational songs. I am also planning out lots of stuff so 1. I don't get too stressed with things to do and 2. I will have a routine and activities set for me when I won't have the motivation or want to do things.

Thank you for your kind words.

My dad has a lot of experiences but always has new aspirations. He grew up in England but travelled the world meeting new people and trying many different careers before settling down in Australia with my mum. He loves "boys things" like cars, planes, football, cricket, etc. He works extremely hard at everything he does, a perfectionist (sometimes that drives me nuts) but it often makes him the best at everything he does. I'm not sure what he wishes he would have done differently other than buying the properties he lived in in London and Sydney before the prices blew up. He's pretty social and outgoing but definitely enjoys his alone time. He loves my mum and me and my sister a lot. He also has a short temper haha.

I guess I relate in a way that I always (used to) have big dreams and aspirations. I would work super hard at everything I did, except I'm not naturally talented as him. He knows when to put himself first, I guess I'm still trying to learn that. He always has a strong opinion on things while I don't really. We usually get along.

I did enjoy the walk with Winnie, its been beautiful weather recently where I live.

Thank you,

Hannah