Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

To be honest I haven't been great like I mentioned to Croix. I've just been trying to take it day by day. I've been using different strategies to try and keep me going. I've tried to structure my days so that I feel a bit of purpose when getting up in the morning. I've been exercising at least once every day (but I've kinda been counteracting that by overeating and gaining weight but I'm working on it). I've also been out practicing driving a lot, I'm up to 27/100 hours now. I drove up and down a windy range yesterday, wasn't as bad as I thought. I've been looking for work but that's pretty hopeless at the moment too.

This coronavirus has been really hard on everyone all around the world. It's a crazy thing to be living through. This coronavirus has given me the chance to reflect and recalibrate my goals and plans for the next few years. I might take another "gap year" to do all the things I wanted to do this year, next year. My parents and I agree there's no rush to go to university.

I hope your daughter gets to go to San Francisco one day, I'm sure she'll appreciate it that much more.

Hope you are well,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

I've very pleased to hear from you and thank you for my choice of haiku. I'm not going to write anything serious today, just meander along. I'm glad you had a go at haiku, mainly becuse that form of verse is so different from our modern world - and current lyrics in songs.

The best guide I've found on how to write them is below , it even goes to the extent of showing you how to hold your chin to count syllables. It is very lightly written, I enjoyed reading it.

https://www.wikihow.com/Write-a-Haiku-Poem

The bit I like best is the reference in the last line is often unexpected and makes the reader think.

Is this formal verse something your grandparents appreciate?

I think if I remember way back at one time you said you and your sister danced, but very different styles, do you think you might like to find an on-line dancing class you relate to and could practice? I find exercise helps is several ways.

You asked how I was getting on wiht the coronavirus. It's a nuisance but due to my age (ancient) and physical problems (too many) I'm stuck and have to take extra precautions. There is an outbreak nearby and so I try to occupy myself as much as possible on-line, or with books and movies.

One of the hings I've been doing is writing a thread that is not about illness or mental health, but how to get something solid and lasting out of isolation, something to see or use in future years. Its been OK, and somehow now has an installment story about a princess who needs a haircut woven together wiht all the different ideas.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/how-to-take-practical-advantage...

If you felt like it you might like to go there and explain Tik Toks and how to make good ones (no pressure, have a read and see what you think)

"The lamp once out
Cool stars enter
The window frame"

(Natsume Sōseki)

Croix

[Aaronsis]

Hi Hannah

It is great to chat to you some more and it is great that you are structuring your day to be able to get some exercise in and to also do some driving, having these things in your day sure do make getting through this time easier and taking it day but day is also fantastic, no pressure, no overthinking what the future holds, just today, just now and try to make the most of the current situation, I am really glad to hear you are trying your very best even though it is a daily challenge for you Hannah.

I think taking another gap year sounds perfect, to get in all those things that we have had to put on hold while we manage this time with something very unusual. I think your parents are very right, there is no rush, University will be there next year and the year after and even the year after that, you do it when the time is right for you.

It will be interesting to see what happens with the Olympics and I hope that you can still get that trip in with your friends, what an amazing experience, and to see your family again, so many great things to look forward too. I really think it will be very soon that we will start to see things start to soften with the COVID-19 restrictions, while travel may be on hold for a little while I am sure we will be doing some "normal" things pretty soon.

Thank you for thinking of my daughter, she is disappointed but knows that it is just on hold, it is not cancelled forever, while it is still frustrating for her non the less and I do get that, it is a life lesson that things can change at a moments notice.

Huge hugs to you Hannah and I hope you are going to do something fun over the Easter break, we are busy painting and playing board games and I have a confession.....I have Tik Tok...more about that next time.

Happy Easter and chat soon Hannah xx

Sarah xxx

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

I had a read of that website on how to write Haiku poems. They do explain it really well. The chin syllable trick is something I learned at school to help for spelling and poetry, it's pretty handy.

I've never talked to my grandparents about Haikus, so I'm not sure if they are interested in them. My dad likes them though. He used to be an English teacher to mature Japanese students so he is really into the details of poetry, he even has this book he recommends about writing poetry. I've forgotten what its called though. He tried making me read it when I was younger but I was never any good at poetry so I wasn't that interested in reading it. One of his favourite poems is If - by Rudyard Kipling.

My sister and I do love to dance. I actually recently did a free online class which was really fun, just a bit tricky because I don't have much room at home and I'm kind of allergic to grass so I can't do it in the garden. It was to a song by one of my favourite artists, Billie Eilish and it was in one of my favourite styles, contemporary. There are other online classes but I'm too anxious about doing them for some reason or they're expensive (or I find out about them too late and I miss the class), I might look into it some more and see if I can find some more accessible dance classes to do with my sister.

Despite it being difficult, I'm glad you're coping alright with the coronavirus.

The thread you started is a really good idea. I had a quick skim over it but I'll take a closer look later. I enjoy making TikToks but I'm not sure how good I am with my measly 82 followers, I'll think about it.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

Taking it day by day is all I can do at the moment. It's been okay because I still have my supports around me and I'm able to keep myself pretty occupied.

All this free time has let me think about my possible "second gap year". There is so much I could do with an extra year (without a global pandemic). I could go to Tokyo for the Olympics and spend time with my Japanese family. I could travel around places I really want to go in Asia and Europe. If I go to England, I can see my dad's side of the family. A few of my cousins in England just had babies so I can hopefully meet them. And, my best friend is finally down to travel with me. She's studying medicine at the moment so she thought she wanted to stay in Australia and study hard for six or so years but now she's realised she needs to study hard, but also go out and live her young adult life! So hopefully on her uni breaks next year we can travel together.

It is a good reminder to your daughter and everyone really that everything can change in a blink of an eye and that change is constant. No one last year would've probably thought that the world would be where we are today, it's pretty crazy. Hopefully some restrictions will ease in the near future but even if they have to stay strict for a few more weeks/months, it's all for the best.

My easter break was alright. Had a lot of family time and chocolate eating. It's been a good break for the whole family. I hope you had a good Easter.

I think TikTok is getting more popular for every age group now (especially with the boredom coming along with COVID-19). How are you liking it? Addicted yet?

Thanks,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

Great to hear that you have some really great things in place for taking each day as it comes, I think that is all any of us are doing at the moment, trying to keep occupied, focused on the fact this is just a moment in time and things will resume. It is also a really good reminder as you said, that nothing is certain and things can change in the blink of an eye, the things we do in our lives really need to be looked at and are we doing with our time what we really should be doing with our time...speaking of which..I AM TOTALLY ADDICTED to Tik Tok...my daughter is horrified that I am on there and she actually is cringing at the stuff I am posting..of course I did SAVAGE....lol...the funniest part is that you can see my daughter in the reflection of the mirror doing the moves for me to copy....hahahaha....I also love the cosplay people who so totally nail their make up and costumes...so amazing. What I have found interesting is that I have found some mental health stuff too, which really interests me as I can see in real life people at their most raw and vulnerable and it really speaks to my heart which helps me be of help to others on here as I can somewhat assimilate to what they might be going through.

I think taking another gap year and travelling with your friend sounds awesome, to meet family, to be at the Olympics, such wonderful experiences that you will take on your life journey. I still have some of the fondest memories when I went to the USA when I was 15....gee that was a very long time ago...

Oh and back to Tik Tok...I am practically famous...41 followers if you dont mind........

So great to chat to you Hannah and great to hear you had some lovely family time over Easter, we did some paintings and had a "Grown Up's" movie marathon..those movies are hilarious.

Well my kids are about to start on line schooling on Wednesday, I have no idea how it is going to go or what that looks like but hey..all apart of the Covid journey.

Chat soon Hannah

Hugs "your famous friend" #isomademedoit....Sarah xxxx

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

I'm not sure Kipling is a favorite of mine however the lines

if you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same

seems to me to put the downs an ups you feel so often in a slightly different light, after all they are imposters, they are not you, the real Hannah inside endures, and sometimes can even enjoy life. Do you think I'm on track?

Which Billie Eilish songs to you like the best -You should see me in a crown is rather good (ok I have weird taste:)

It's a pity you are allergic to grass, would one of those blue tarps pegged down help?

Croix

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

Wanted to stop in today to see how you are going and how Winnie is too. I am home schooling my two so pretty interesting times with that too....

I also wanted to acknowledge a very special day, that I am sending you virtual balloons, cakes and everything sparkly and fireworks too...

How are the plans going for travel, I must admit I have been chatting to my friend and we are thinking Greece and Italy in 2022, so that is so very exciting and I am going to start saving so that as soon as we can book, we can book and get it locked in. I hope that international travel can resume pretty quickly next year, I really don't think it will happen this year but that is fine as I think we have all come to accept that.

Well working from home is not as easy as I thought with three cats who think it is awesome to have someone home all day and want to lay on your keyboard and get your attention...lol

Chat soon Hannah and the most awesome of days to you today xx

Hugs and hugs and hugs

Sarah xx

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

Sorry it's been so so long, I've been having a really rough time.
Where do I start, well I turned 18 about a month ago, thank you so much for your birthday wishes. My birthday was great despite it being in iso, I had a few friends round and we had a lot of fun. Then a few days after that things started going downhill pretty quickly. I ended up in hospital at the end of April after a close suicide attempt. The hospital mental health team thought that going home would be best and maybe going to the subacute clinic but I refused to go there because I didn't want to "fall back down" (like going back there was a negative thing) even though I really did need to go there or hospital. Also now I'm 18, everything has gone a bit funny with the mental health services. First of all I'd get admitted to the general adult public mental health ward, instead of the paediatric ward, which isn't really a great place to be. Secondly, I'm slowly being let go by the child and youth mental health services but none of the government mental health teams want to take me on for various reasons. So that left me with just my DBT supports. And then I found out that they are no longer continuing the DBT program (I do it through headspace) and they are stopping it at the end of June. So with the various mental health professionals I work with, we made the decision that I'll see a psychologist privately who also does DBT therapy. I'll start seeing her pretty much as soon as I cease to see my current case manager and DBT therapist.

Anyway, so after that hospital visit things did not get any better, probably worse in fact. I started missing TAFE (nearly failed my course), I withdrew and ignored all of my friends and family, I skipped therapy, I was not exercising, overeating, laid in bed all day and was general very anxious and depressed. I was very seriously contemplating suicide every single night, I managed to hold it together for a few weeks but eventually I gave in to my urges and attempted suicide mid-May. I went to hospital and got treated physically, they were going to admit me but last minute a bed opened at the sub-acute ward so I went there for about a week to stabilise. I got discharged exactly a week ago. I'm a bit better now, still having my ups and downs but not constantly on the brink of suicide anymore, just trying to get my life back together. Sorry I've just laid this all on you but I kinda had to get it out.

I guess thats a way you can interpret those lines in the Rudyard Kipling poem, I haven't really thought about it that way much.

I'm not sure what my favourite Billie Eilish song is, probably 'when the party's over', 'everything I wanted' or 'hostage'. 'You should see me in a crown' is different but I like it. When I saw it live it was amazing.

And for the dancing, instead of the grass I kind of switch between this little area in my kitchen/dining/living room area and outside on this brick area, neither of which are great but they'll do.

I hope you're doing alright,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

Sorry I've been away so long, as I explained to the post I wrote to Croix, I've been having a really tough time.

Its sounds like your quarintining has been pretty fun and hectic! I hope you and your kids are doing alright now.

And about TikTok, I'm glad you love it, it is SO entertaining!

Fun fact I actually made a mental health TikTok account. On it I post TikToks kind of joking about my mental health experiences, nothing too serious, and some encouraging content. I've managed to gather up 3362 followers. My mental health TikToks are actually my favourite to make. I've had so much positive feedback on how they've helped other people or how other people could relate and felt less alone. They also help me when I'm feeling down to distract myself and make them or watch ones I've already made to make myself laugh.

Thanks for all of your support and your birthday wishes,

Hannah