Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

Thanks for the link to the resource, I've looked through what I thought was pretty much every resource and website to do with depression and anxiety with the typical "symptoms, causes, treatments" stuff but the one you linked was very interesting. Not only the EMDR part but the other stuff too, looking at the treatments I have and haven't tried and their effectiveness for depression helped. Swimming with dolphins seemed a bit odd haha.

Through searching the forums for information I found a few good threads, a bit hard to relate to because most were used for PTSD or OCD or things like that. Its made things a bit clearer in my head. Not sure how well it would go for me, it could work really well or not at all I think.

I contacted my DBT therapist and conversed with her for a bit about the downhill situation. It was pretty helpful because as you said it reminded me of a few things that have helped previously. She was also able to give me some new suggestions. I'm glad I've got her to talk to easily pretty much anytime now, I think it'll be very helpful. I've got a journal with a page of distractions and self-care kind of things which I'll take another look at to try and remember some good strategies.

I'm not sure my meds are making any difference at all, I wouldn't be surprised because others haven't worked for me either. Personally, I think my doctor has just got the wrong kind of meds this time. I'm on atypical antipsychotic (I think that's as specific as I can go in the forums) to try and stabilise my mood but it's quite obviously not having the intended effect. I'll bring it up in my next session with my case manager because she can talk to the doctors.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hey Aaronsis,

Cats are so cute but quite different to dogs in their personality which is why I'm opting for a dog.

For my dance assessment at school recently I performed a dance touching on my depression and I did quite well with an A and many compliments. It helps not only to choreograph but to just plain improvise stuff about how I'm feeling.

Finding a mental safe space is hard because I can't really think of a physical place I've ever been or seen that has been like a "safe space". Its a bit like asking a blind person to think of their favourite colour if you know what I mean, except my situation is not as difficult. At the moment my mental safe space is resting within my own body, envisioning myself being calm and safe. Usually helps moreso in times of high anxiety or panic than depressing times.

One of my coping strategies is to keep distracted and busy so this weekend so far I've done a walk run hikey thing with my mum and gone to the beach with my friend. Now I've got a crap tonne of homework and assignments to do. Its working alright so far.

I hope your weekend is going well too,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

You are a very sensible person and are doing all the right things, and are probably having some success (I never find anything 100%, more a question if several beneficial things).

With the meds, OK, they may well be on the wrong track. Your case manager will be in a position to find out the max time it takes for that med to kick in and most common unwanted side-effects while getting there. Perhaps a whole rethink on that one might be in order, even a (friendly cooperative) second opinion. Any reputable doctor will be happy to have another set of thoughts, it is standard practice at times.

The activities you mentioned are something pretty good too. While mine are different just the movement, exercise and distraction help a lot. Good luck with the homework - do you get extra time on medical grounds if you run overtime?

I'd agree about a dog, when I come home Sumo Cat sometimes wanders over to greet me in a leisurely "Nice to see you" style, Foxy Dog charges at you and nearly bowls you over shouting dog for "Hooray! Hooray!" A much more satisfactory greeting. (Nasty Cat just either glares or looks the other way)

Nothing wrong with bed being the safe place to think of when stressed. I have a second safe place, it is lying snug in my bed at my grandmother's as a kid, with a storm just on the other side of the big window by my head. Listening to the rain, wind and the swishing of the trees.

Shivers of delight.

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

This time round with this kind of "downhill slope" I'm trying the approach of being open to my therapists about it and seeing if it makes it any better. It's slightly easier to cope but the feelings are still strong and there and getting worse. Last time I took this approach I still managed to try and hurt myself, wasn't too serious but serious enough. I feel so guilty continually feeling so bad even though I've got so many supports and therapy around me. And every time I try and do something and it doesn't work its torturous, it feels more torturous than if I'd just been "successful" the first time.

I have an appointment with my case manager tomorrow who can help me out with the meds which is good.

Distraction has always been by far the best strategy for me. I already exercise regularly, eat healthy and try and get plenty of sleep at night so it's difficult to use them "more" in difficult times but it can help sometimes to reflect and make sure I am getting all those things. I do get extensions and special provisions for school work which is very helpful. I surprisingly got a lot done over the weekend so I'm on track at the moment (first time in a very long time).

Using a safe space, grounding and breathing usually only work for my anxious feelings rather than the depression. At the moment the only mindful technique I have for depression is imagining myself at a train station and the trains coming through as thoughts. I can watch them go past or if it is too difficult to let them go, I hop on the train until I'm ready to get off. I think there are similar ones around leaves on a stream and clouds in the sky. It helps slow things down a bit. Doing DBT will hopefully help me find more strategies.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Hannah

I hope your appointment goes well today.

I just want to say how proud I am of you, your ability to write like a person so much older than your years and be so very emotionally intelligent as well as so very educated on your mental health, your journey, your medications and what strategies you use to make peace with yourself as well as things to get through the day.

It was so wonderful to read that you did to an interpretive dance around your experience and your mental health and that is was so positively received and that you got an A, well done, that is fantastic, good on you, it would have been so powerful and I would have really liked to see that performance, I love dance.

You sound like you have a wonderful family and I am so happy for you that they are by your side through your journey, hiking sounds fun and I am sure that this is a great place to be, hiking with your mum, how awesome!

I am so very much enjoying reading about your life and I really am so proud of you Hannah, I really am!

AS

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

I'd have to agree wiht Aaronsis, you have an exceptional grasp of matters and display courage and tenacity.

Getting up to date is a great feeling (until l the next load or schoolwork arrives:( and deciding to let your medical team know exactly what is going on is a big step, frightening even, but in the end useful. Being treated for the exact problems is always best.

I guess you may wonder why praise is heaped on you, even though you feel you are not living up to the expectations generated by the help you receive.

I guess the reason can sometimes be hard to remember. There is the real you, and their is the illness -depression - which is not you, it is, all said and done, an illness, not a character trait.

Imagine you were a diabetic, and followed all instructions, kept you pump exact, tests taken on time, exercise etc all as needed, yet you did not respond as well as others -no guilt, just normal feelings like frustration and maybe even fear. Guilt is manufactured by depression, and is undeserved.

I had never thought of visualization depression in that way, I think it strikes a bell with me, particularly the traveling with it for a while.

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hello AS,

Thank you for your lovely words, it really means a lot thank you! (nearly made me cry which is quite wondeful as I'm not a crier)

Hiking with my mum was fun, we tried a different steeper but shorter course which was challenging. I only started doing the running/walking tracks in the middle of the year and I'm already seeing an improvement in my cardiovascular fitness. I've never been able to run very far for extended periods of time but I'm now able to run the whole downhill part!

The appointment went well, my school counsellor joined my case manager and I and we had a group discussion about things. Made things easier as although I'm really lucky to have professional supports in multiple aspects of my life, it sometimes gets difficult to retell my thoughts, feelings and life pretty much daily to different people.

I'm glad you're enjoying reading this thread,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Hannah

I am so pleased that you can accept my words to you as I truly mean them, I am even a little happy that you almost shed a tear, not my intention but I guess it shows you are open to some compliments and that is sometimes tough to hear when you are not feeling so great about yourself.

I am so very jealous that you are able to run, I love the idea so very much of going for a run but the old body says no unfortunately...I can do walks but I really love the idea of running, so well done to you for being able to do that, and yes I am sure that your fitness will be improving so dramatically, that is awesome!

That is such great news that your appointment went well and that you have a team now that are starting to come together to support you, that would be very frustrating to have to retell and relive all the time so that is wonderful that they are getting to know you and each other and together you can focus on getting you well.

I am enjoying reading your thougths, learning about your mental health and also seeing how you are managing this, I have young teens and I am just so concerned in this day and age that anyone and everyone can fall ill to mental health and by hearing you I can learn ways to help and identify these things with my own children. Like I mentioned to you before you are so very well educated in your healing and that is such a credit to you. I am learning so very much from you Hannah.

Hope today is beautiful for you.

AS

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

Thank you for the praise 🙂

The school work load is sort of coming back in but it should be okay to handle. I think the meds are helping my concentration because suddenly not so much at school but at home I can concentrate on school work or whatever I need to do. An amazing feeling considering I haven't been able to concentrate for years. Still have little motivation but at least once I'm there I can do stuff.

I told my case manager and school counsellor about going downhill. They came up with the idea to let me spend the day or night at a sub-acute mental health facility I've previously stayed at. I've been back to visit friends a few times but I haven't been as a patient for ages. We're hoping it'll work as a "circuit breaker". I'm going in tomorrow for the day so we'll see.

I still usually can't get through my mind that I've got an illness, I still feel like its a character flaw or something wrong with me especially because there's nothing else significantly hard or wrong in my life so all I can put it down to is me. However, the first time that I used the word "unwell" to describe how I was, it was somehow very validating. I think it's because it pushes the theory that I have little to no control over this "illness" and I'm just like someone with the flu or appendicitis. I don't know, its complicated.

I find that the mindfulness exercise with the train helps because simply trying to let go of all of my thoughts is so difficult, then I get annoyed at myself for not being able to let go of them and I end up worse than before. Hopefully I'll be able to find some more similar ones because they don't seem that common. I think a lot of people can benefit from them.

Thank you,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hanah~

Circuit breakers can be very good, I had a large one while in hospital and it removed me from everything, a wonderful feeling, looking down at people and the tops of trees with birds flying between, and me up out of it all. Went in suicidal, came out just worrying waht people thought, which turned out to be a non-event.

I get small breaks by using Smiling Mind, which takes my thoughts out of anything I'm thinking about, the voice 'nags' you out of doing anything but concentrate. Even the 2 minute trial exercise makes a big difference.

So I'd say your team have a good idea, a day in the center, good luck with it, and please remember if it does no work the first time keep on trying and give it a fair chance. Sometimes the strangeness stops it working until you get used to it.

I agree it is hard to remember it is an illness, but it is. Hard because the symptoms and thoughts are not obvious and can be mistaken for other things. Ironically you may not realize how ill you have been until you improve and look back.

Good luck with the homework.

Croix