Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

Sorry for the late reply, I've been very busy the past few days.

A family friend has a really cute, gentle dog and the breeder they got her from just had another litter so I might get one of them. If not, my family and I have been looking around the pounds for a smallish dog (my scared mum and sisters request). My dad wants to get two dogs and name them sit and stay, not letting that happen under my watch though. Lots of people have recommended getting a pet so hopefully its a step in the right direction.

I saw a trailer for the Isle of Dogs movie you were taking about a while back so I've got the right one in my head. There might be a copy at the local library.

I just started school today, only 17 school days left until I graduate, getting very excited! Only a few assessments this term too so hopefully my biggest stressors this term will be menial things like choosing accessories for my formal!

The kind nurses and AINs I met have inspired me to pursue something in health at uni. At the moment I'm looking at health sciences, paramedic science or nursing. I think I've finally found something that's right for me.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hey Aaronsis,

I think this dog will help me a lot too, I'm always the one patting the dog when I go to someones house or a party haha.

It's good to hear from you, I'm glad you have a great input into this thread too!

On the weekend I did a dance convention. I've done dance since I was 5 and enjoy it a lot. Probably won't pursue it as any sort of career but just learning from a lot of different people was tiring but a lot of fun. I'm not taking regular classes at the moment because the pressure of going multiple times a week and learning routines constantly got too much. Might look for more similar opportunities now though.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Animals, dogs , cats, even birds, can make a huge difference, for my partner and I they turn a house into home (mind you they are all very bossy). WE always go to the pounds, and the one near us let us visit several times and even go for a walk.

Your dad sounds as if he has a sense of humor, our mutts would just look at me if i said sit or stay (unless they were already sitting or stating of course).

Actually they can have a sense of humor, our previous dog, Zeppelin Dog, used to sneak up on tip-toe right behind by partner and then give out one enormous "YAP!". Made her jump. She often renamed him to *****!

The dance sounds pretty good, not only interesting and expressive but invliolves moment. I've often found when my mind has been in a loop that physical action can stop it.

I'm glad the remainder of school is not to stressful.

As for your interest in health related careers, I think that sounds excellent, you are perceptive and have personal experience , which can be big help.

Croix

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

So great to hear from you and you sound so bright.

Dance is a wonderful wonderful thing and I am so glad it makes you happy and that you enjoy it, that really is afterall the main thing, you don't have to do it for a career or even for competition, just participating is the key. I am glad you have this in your life.

Well what an exciting time for you with the whole doggie thing, I agree with Croix, you dad does sound like he has a funny sense of humour...what names have you been thinking of for your future puppy?

You sound just like my son although he is the same with cats, he loves loves loves them and is the one with the cats wherever we go...lol..hence why we have 3!

Great chatting to you again Hannah and I am looking forward to hearing those names!

Hugs

AS

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

Your house full of animals sounds so fun!

I've always embraced the expressive side of dance and sometime just dancing my heart out like no ones watching can make me feel just a bit better.

At the moment I've been feeling a crap tonne of guilt, even more so than usual somehow. I'm scared I'm slowly falling back down again even though I've only just been feeling up for what seems like a split second. Self harm, suicidal ideation and panic attacks are getting more intense and prevalent. I'm trying to combat the self harm and suicide side of things through DBT but then I keep messing it up because I can't stop, it just stays the same or gets worse. Anxiety has come and gone in my life for a while but its coming back with full force, just praying its a false alarm.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Aaronsis,

Dance is a truly wonderful thing, its got me through some really tough times not only doing it but even just the thought of it or watching it too.

I'm not sure what I'll name my future dog yet, depends on its breed and personality I guess. I don't mind cats either but they seem to not like me that much. My theory is that people have often said I remind them of a cat and a lot of times cats don't get along, so that's why cats don't like me. Mum originally wanted a cat as they usually seem calmer and easier to look after but the rest of my family outvoted her!

Thanks for chatting,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

It's very hard not to blame yourself when you follow instructions, follow the exercises and still you keep on going down. After all those activities are supposed to do good - sadly not always true.

The plain fact is you do not know the effect they are having, or even if they are always the right tool. You may feel worse without them, or you may need to have a talk with your therapist and see if there is an alternative approach.

Perhaps you have been on the new meds for long enough to be getting unwanted side effects as they stabilize.

When I first did CBT it made matters worse, it was the wrong thing for that time.

The only thing I've found most helps stay an impulse is talk with a human.

Yes the animals have fun, Foxy Dog has just been found eating the cat food -again. She is not an honorary cat, but disagrees. Nasty cat has taken over the back of Mrs C's recliner chair which is an excellent high point to swipe at anyone passing and Sumo is as usual 'busy' by my elbow.

I'm sure Sumo Cat would like you, some cats do get along you kow

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

It's always hard to tell if meds are working, usually other people notice a difference before you do. I haven't noticed much difference in my mood and I don't think the people around me have either.

The DBT is known to work really well so I'm sticking out and as with family therapy, I have no choice at the moment. When I tried CBT it was bad timing too because I was too emotionally fragile to try and fight my thoughts at the time, I needed more caring and nurturing instead.

Interestingly, through talking with my school counsellor nearly everyday shes come to think EMDR therapy would benefit me. I haven't been through any major traumas but a lot of little things I think have gotten to me overtime and damaged the way I think. I'm not sure if it'd help, its an interesting way to tackle things for mym situation.

I've gotten along with very few cats, maybe Sumo Cat would be one. Actually I just remembered, when I was in a sub-acute unit, someone brought in their lovely cat and we got along very well.

I still feel like I'm sliding back down emotionally and there's not much I can do, its very frustrating.

Thank you,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah..happy Friday to you.

I had to laugh when you said cats don't really like you, cats are so strange....it is all on their terms..lol

I have three cats and to be honest, we go the first one as my son begged me for it now we have 3..I didn't really start off loving them as cats were not my thing, but they know you are not interested..and therefore do this thing where they want to be all over you as they know you don't really like it. Then once they have you all trapped in and you are loving them, well then it is on their terms...

I totally agree with you about dance, it is so wonderful to watch and see the performers get so into it and be able to tell a story, it is so great. I am sure that one day if you put your story into a dance it would be outta this world! You have so much to tell and are so wise for a young adult.

I saw that you mentioned to Croix that you felt like you were slowly sliding back down emotionally, I am so sorry to read that and I am wondering what you do for yourself when times like these start to happen, when you can feel a change but it is more of an awareness that an actual physical thing that you can manage. I recall you talking to Croix about a mental safe place, how did you go in finding a place inside that is for you and is bright and hopeful? Can you share that with me?

Hope you have something fun planned for the weekend too.

Chat soon

AS

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

First the treatment thing.

Beyond Blue publishes a list of treatments and how effective they are

https://resources.beyondblue.org.au/prism/file?token=BL/0556

EMDR is listed on page 19 and seems to be better for PTSD than depression, but is not definitive of course.

You may find a simple Goodle search:

EMDR Beyondblue forum

It will yield multiple posts going back as far as 2014. Have a read.

Now the sliding back. I'm sorry it is happening, it does happen and can at first make you seem just like a passenger, with no control. That's was how felt.

Now I'm not so sure, there are several things (apart from the obvious of briefing your medical team and getting their views, and to find they what they say) I guess you look back at what has helped bring you back up a bit before. That might be a pencil and paper job, plus asking those who might remember.

You come up with a list, some just happened at the same time, some might have had a positive effect. See what you might be able to adapt. A book, dance, a therapy, even someone you chatted with. This is not a list, just me guessing.

The dog idea sounds good, unconditional love is wonderful (pity Nasty Cat never heard of it, she'd choke on the milk of human kindness)

I still hope your meds kick in and you find that mental safe place/retreat too.

Croix