Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Aaronsis]

Hi Croix and Hi to you too Hannah

I just wanted to say after reading your communications how blown away I am at your support Croix. You are an absolute gem and an absolute life line. This support and communication between you both gives me so much hope for a brighter future for our beautiful and amazing teens, like you Hannah. I lost my brother to suicide 7 weeks ago and from a sister I am beyond devastated...my whole family is completely broken. Hannah you are so strong and so brave to reach out and I am so happy for you and for your family that you have. You keep fighting every minute of every day...you are worth it and this world needs you. Thank you Croix for your amazing words and support. I will go on to have a happy day today knowing there are people like you in the world..thank you.

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

I understand where you're coming from with the sense, I'm pretty sure everyone around me also thinks living would be the success. After all, it is our human biological instinct to survive and live a long, happy life. Hopefully one day I can see it differently.

So far my new meds have been okay, its only been three days so I've not been able to see a change in my mood but I've got a few physical side effects. I'm more tired and drowsy on top of the tiredness I was already feeling and its also giving me some nausea. Hopefully they wear off soon, nausea previously has. I'm quite interested to see the outcome as these meds are quite different to what I was on before and isn't often used in cases like mine.

Having a nurse special is kind of good in that you have someone to talk to but can get extremely annoying (not them, their job). I know some people can have different rates of checking in like every 15 min, 30 min or hourly but mine had to watch me and be in a certain proximity to me 24/7. They watch you eat, go to the bathroom, shower, sleep etc. Kind of takes away your dignity a bit but I guess its all to keep you safe. Most of the nurse specials I had were nice and I got to know quite a few of them because every time I was admitted I had a nurse special assigned. I was quite unsafe and "not well-behaved" which is why they had so many restrictions on me.

I'll look into those book series, they sound pretty interesting and I'm running low on book options at the moment. Oh I totally forgot, I love biographies and fictional books based on real life historical events. I love experiencing and imagining life from different kinds and eras of people. Kind of weird that I like historical books because I hated history at school with a passion and I like biographies but biography-like documentaries make me bored out of my mind.

As soon as I got a bed in ED, they took away all of my belongings, I didn't get my phone back until I was discharged. Very annoyed about that. My entertainment while in ED was quite literally watching and listening to the people rushing around, pretty interesting stories actually. Previously when I've had my phone I would watch YouTube and scroll through social media forever too. Charger and phone would've been perfect haha.

Good to hear from you,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Aaronsis,

I'm very sorry for your loss. Losing someone so close must be absolutely heartbreaking. I'm so glad you have come on this platform and been able to read through this thread to receive some hope.

Thank you very much for your kind words, it means a lot. I'll continue to fight on as much as I can.

Is that your wrist with the tattoo on it on your profile picture, its similar to the semicolon in my profile picture? I'd love to get a tattoo like that.

Sending my prayers to you and your family,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Sorry I forgot, I just saw your new thread. Your strength through this tough time and willingness to help others is remarkable. You are a very kind soul. Best wishes to you and your family ❤️

[Aaronsis]

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts Hannah, yes losing someone is absolutely devastating and I can promise you that the people in your life will support me on that one, they don't want to lose someone so precious either.

I am so happy to hear that you are going to keep fighting, you may not know it yet but you have something amazing to do in your future and it may even be supporting others through these dark times, you may turn into a counselor or something like that, the world needs you.

That pic sure is my wrist, I have another big tattoo on my forearm and it is a Pokemon pokeball with a #304, not sure if you are a Pokemon fan but that number relates to a Pokemon called Aron, my brother loved Pokemon and his name was Aaron so it kind of was how I chose to honor him.

I am thrilled that you like my tattoo, I love it too.

Thank you for your kind words and support too, and sending you a virtual hug x

[Aaronsis]

naww thanks Hannah for your comment on my thread...believe me...I would do anything...anything if it meant saving a life.....I don't want another person EVER to have to have the phone call I got from my dad telling me the news, not to mention the phone call he got from his wife after the police had left.

I really would do anything and that is my plan.....to do something......

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Most nurses you can tell after a while if they are good people, or just timeservers. The good ones (never around long enough for me) helped a lot. Did I mention one started me on the books, got them from his home?

Later on I was allowed out by my self and there was a second had bookshop nearby, I managed to get the rest of the series I was reading. Maybe hard to get now, it was a while ago.

Movies, I liked "Isle of Dogs", an animated Japanese film, really enjoyed it. I've never done much with fictional history, except I suppose you could call steampunk that if you wanted -Ghosts of Columbia is a good series, but the books are quite long, not good for concentration.

If your new med is an 'unusual' one maybe it is like mine, only took a few days to get used to it. Then again the world is full of meds.

I guess unlike you I've been 'well behaved' -unless you count forgetting to hand over my phone that time:) I bet they did have a charger somewhere.

So I guess you are out in the Real World™ now. Do you have any extra hassles ATM? Well at least you have your phone/tablet whatever. Can I mention Libraries? Mine lets me download books for free straight off. They last a limited time and you take them out like real books. DVDs and audiobooks too. Maybe you will find something there.

I liked your words ot Aaronsis, you are a kind soul.

The love bit -there I've remembered. At one time I could not even remember if I could love, let alone if I did love anyone. Same the other way round, sort of ignored their love for me. It was depression filtering my thoughts, masking me from me. An isolated and dark place, all alone. As I improved my feelings returned.

I have to pop a serious question in, just so I feel useful - you can skip it if you want. Sumo Cat has is eyes closed and probably does not even realise I'm typing.

What do you think would slow down the process of your losing control? No I'm not talking meds, I'm talking actions, people and deliberate thoughts. I go to my safe place, though that's probably not much help to you.

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

Most of the medical/registered nurses on the ward were good. I had the same experience with three that were particularly good. One was a mental health nurse, the other two just genuinely really cared for me as much as the other patients despite me being there for mental health, self-inflicted reasons and the others there for medical things.

I've been meaning to watch Isle of Dogs, it sounds really good. At the moment I've got my maths textbooks to read, fun. I was thinking about going to my local library or school library to borrow some books, it's pretty convenient nowadays. My dad has a lot of books too so I was thinking of looking through them and seeing if I might like some of them.

Yes, I'm out in the "Real World" now. Well, as real as it can be when I can't leave the house myself, have no access to anything that could be used to hurt myself and therapy multiple times a week. I guess its all to keep me going.

Love is a complicated thing. It's weird because sometimes all I crave is a hug, yet I don't know who would be able to give me a loving hug or if I'd let myself receive one. It's resulted in me realising that if I don't want to or can't accept them from others at the moment, I've got to give myself a big hug and tell myself its going to be okay. Can't wait until I can share a genuine hug with someone else.

Oh and as you've mentioned Sumo Cat, I MIGHT BE GETTING A DOG! I'm so excited XD. It sounds like Sumo Cat is a great companion.

Never really thought about slowing down the process of losing control. Sometimes some breathing and grounding works to kind of slow everything down. At the moment in DBT sessions I'm starting each one with a mindfulness exercise and with my therapist I'm figuring out what works well. I'll have to think on it a bit more.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Sumo cat is indeed a great companion, though very dignified and believes being 'busy' (snoozing) should be a cat's main occupation. Occasionally he'll put out a paw and touch my arm, as if to check I'm still there, then return to business. If I'm greatly favored there will be a short (dignified) purr.

We got him from the pound, at which time his name was 'Scardey-Cat". you can read how he got his new name by pasting the following link in your browser:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/permalink/qltLoXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

I do hope you can get a dog, having one opens up whole new worlds, might solve the hug problem for a bit. Seriously don't worry about the hug situation, when you are very comfortable with someone (which will happen) or even if you simply wish to give comfort (which is part of your particular nature) then you will be the 'hugger' rather than the 'hugee' (a couple of new words I've just invented)

I'm glad of those three nurses you mentioned, apart from the care and companionship they are pointing out that illness is illness, mental, physical, whatever.

I hope you do find some books . I've just realized there are two DVDs called Isle of Dogs, one is a thriller, it is the other one with the dog faces and Japanese letters on the cover I meant. I was looking in eBay to see if there were any cheap copies.

Please let us know about the dog

Croix

[Aaronsis]

HI Hannah

I was so excited for you at the prospect of getting a dog, like Croix said I feel like this little..or big..doggy could be the start of your hugging. I am sure that he/she will be more that happy to help you through your hugging journey..moving through being the hugger and the huggee ( i love those new words).

I am so happy also to hear from you and that you have some back to chat and you do seem to be brighter which is wonderful.

Do you have anything planned for the weekend?

Well I hope to hear about all the doggie updates and even if it doesn't happen right away, it is something so awesome to look forward to...and what to call him or her..how exciting

Chat soon Hannah