Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[Hanna3]

Sounds like you are giving your son excellent support FarSide - he'll grow up to be a wise young man.

I'm sorry you're having such difficulties. Sounds like you're doing an amazing job coping with it all.

[Guest_1584]

Hey fs , hope you've managed to have at least some good times over the hols and get some kind of rest and chill .

So sorry to hear things haven't turned , but God almighty , that's quite a son you've got there , amazing , and a credit to you as well to man,

TBH , l don't think you can blame yourself for missing any ques before . l mean she obviously toned it right down or even off altogether but really , it does just go to show though that she can control herself if she wants to doesn't it.Such a shame she can't motivate herself to use that since . Yaknow , l know it it were me though in your shoes , l'd need top be 110% convinced that l did and tried everything l could and then some , to have any peace at all later if things didn't work out . Personally l'd really need that or l'd be wondering and probably regretting forever.

[TheFarSide]

Thanks RX

I don’t think in all honesty I could have done much more over the time and when the times comes to say goodbye (as I think it will) I can do so knowing I gave her the best of me I could.

She did the perfect “love bomb” When we got together (something I wasn’t even aware existed) and then we got married - since then just a struggle on so many levels.

The push me pull me process used to have an impact on how I felt but now it’s just par for the course of life with her...

I understand that with BPD that the person lacks emotional maturity but sometimes I am just amazed how does one person find so many things to get upset about ...

Overall though I am in an ok place in my own head etc. I recognise my own deficiencies and some of the codependency issues I have and this is stuff for me to work on...

I also accept there is no future for her and I in this state... particularly while I believe she views my son with jealous eyes (that’s my take on things) and she operates with a number of double standards (that one is reality unfortunately)...

Just the difference between how my son handled things When he overheard my wife versus how she behaved initially just showed to me the gulf of the emotional maturity and development between them both...

My son has gone back to his mums now and my Wife and I haven’t spoken now for a few days - it’s been nice to not have to engage and wonder if something is about to burst. Not that I walk on eggshells as such but you can be caught off guard sometimes...

So where to from here? It’s an interesting question. My logic says we are done - move out, sell up, look after yourself and get on with life as it’s short enough without adding extra weight...
It’s clear Without help and a dramatic shift in her willingness to change Then history will just Likley repeat itself over and over. I have gotten much better at recognising and dealing with stuff but it’s not exactly what I had in mind as a way of life...

[Guest_1584]

Hey fs.

love bombing eh , yeah it was new to me to until l read all about it in the American forums. Mind you they have a name for everything in and every second date is a narc so tbh l took it with grain of salt like the rest of it . But yeah , it dies sure sounds real in the bp department though.

Thank God your sons out of there for now anyway no offense , but there's only so much the little bloke could take and it's just so not right. l remember reading how bp people may try to isolate you , drive friends rallies kids away , probably what she's doing.

But yeah , figured your seeing the writing on the wall , no one could blame ya mate , seems insane doesn't it to just go on living that kinda bs l could well imagine. No on could blame you anyway man , better sooner than beating your head against the wall 10 or 15yrs first right, l agree life's short enough as it is.

[Guest_1584]

Scuse the spells in that one, hopefully it'll still make some kind of sense,

[TheFarSide]

Thanks RX... Spell all good and made sense...

Since the episode with my son and him going home I haven't really been speaking to my wife. Id say I had just a worn out non responsive approach - not deliberately being silent or difficult - moreso just tired of every week having dramas... anyway she kissed me before leaving for work this morning and once again said words to the effect of "I'm sorry I've caused so much drama" and then left for work.

TBH I'm just not really bouncing back either emotionally or mentally this time around to this Im sorry approach - there's been so many many times where she's done something and apologised days later and had exceptional understanding and forgiveness from me... and each time I've said 'we need to learn from the experience and do better' then to only have it repeat... I think I'm tired of the merry go round...

Anyway I got home from work and she realises I haven't bounced back into the relationship stride - she says 'have I done something else wrong and why cant we just be back to normal" like everything that had gone on in the past would just wash away and not be part of our relationship fabric... she was expecting that the mornings sorry would wash all sins away... Plain and simply I said 'there is no future for us without you seeking help for how you deal with matters - which I'm happy to be part of" and then the mood really shifted. She started to tell me in very clear language how worthless my son was, how stupid my ex wife was for being with me and what a bad mother she is and how all of us but particularly me was totally to blame for all the issues she has...

She fell to the arguing style of a tantrum toddler - everything but the kitchen sink and admittedly I did give in to arguing for a few minutes until I realised it was a futile exercise and pulled myself back and walked away... there is no winning - just surviving.

I have heard my son be accused of some strange things and I don't profess to be the perfect parent but stuff she said was just so far off his character.

When my son was with me for a week he had a friend come over - I planned it so my wife would be at work before the friend arrived and the friend would be gone before she got home - I cant even read my own tell tale signs! Kids are kids - they do good and bad things and they need time to learn and mature without being the subject of ridicule.

Thanks to the forum. I hope this helps someone somewhere.

[TheFarSide]

Today... My wife has moved herself into one of the other bedrooms at the other end of the house. She slept there last night but has since made a bit more of a transition.
During the day She sent me a text apologising for the behaviour and that she can’t blame me for being angry. Now it would seem she had adopted a strategy of doing her best to stay out of sight - getting her daughter to come out and get food/drink etc...

Its strange but I’m enjoying the peace in the house... it does feel almost odd siting here on the bed alone watching TV - and any TV show that I choose - and to not have any interaction good or bad with her...

There were a few polite emails during the day and a couple of choices were presented - one of them being in the kindest way that I could say that We couldn’t continue in this way without her seeking professional assistance. The other option was the exit strategy and how it would work...

When I look over the texts, the notes I’d made about what she dad said and done, the emails, the notes she wrote and all the times I remember her yelling til she was hoarse this relationship has really been rough... she actually said to me that she was surprised I’d never had this interaction with a woman before going on to say that it was normal female behaviour... thankfully I know that not to be true...

[quirkywords]

Thefarside,

You must be the most patient spouse I have heard about.

I think spouses male and female do strange things when they feel stressed. I have known partners who will sulk when they don't get their own way.

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

Today it has ended. Confirmation from both of us that this relationship will not continue. It’s an outcome I was pretty sure would happen once I placed the caveat of seeking help upon her. Research had suggested that people with BPD are reluctant to seek help but there is some good reports for those who do do the DBT work... I’m also not a fan of effectively demanding one thing in exchange for another but I felt I was painted into a corner after years of repeat behaviour.

So now there is a lot to unpick of course... partnered life is so deeply entwined in many ways... it will take some time and patience before I can be in a position where I can look at me and where I am... Despite my understanding in a logically way what has happened and the reality of what this relationship actually was like it’s none the less a breakup and it comes with some very deep and moving emotions. Even bad relationships are hard to lose.
Last night I slept alone again. I found it surprising that I slept very well and woke up actually quite alert and fresh.

I think for now I can’t ask too much of myself - the future is different and unknown and the world looks different to what it looked like not so long back... days of up and down ahead.

[quirkywords]

The FarSide

I am not sure what to say, this thread has taken us all on a journey with you.

You have a realistic view of what lays ahead. We are here with you when you want to post.

I do hope you are kind to yourself.

his maybe an end but also a beginning.

Take care

Quirky