Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[TheFarSide]

So things are still in a good spot. We passed our wedding anniversary without hiccup or any form of negative aspect. We now embark into week 3 with hope that the positive course for the better part can be maintained. My son has been with us a few days now and not sign of any disruption to speak of. She’s trying to view life differently and that’s a good thing.

Weve spoken about all things that matter in this environment - the good the bad and the ugly - to ensure at least there is transparency, appropriate support and honesty for a relationship that has been bruised deeply.

We have still needed some time apart during that last few weeks -nothing dramatic tho - just healthy moments where you can self reflect, take a moment to be yourself or simply do your own thing without concern.

I am still very reluctant to just let all of the emotions, forgiveness or indeed all of my inner strength just cascade into this mix lest we need to try to turn against any oncoming iceburgs lurking in the dark at a moments notice...

My wife is doing well and I’ve been conscious to recognise and support this without overinflating the life raft.

At this stage only time is the only certainty

[Guest_1584]

So glad she was good with your son fs , fantastic big relief.

lt amazes me that she can and will try to consciously control herself and work on things, talk about them , everything. Especially that she was able to completely hide it for that first 12mths. l mean it just shows that she can so if there is any hope at least she'd be the one to have it with you'd imagine.

But yeah l guess anyone would say your doing the right thing not allowing yourself to fall into false hope, def a day ata time for now l guess hey.

Best of luck

rx

[quirkywords]

theFarSide

Thanks for your updates, feedback and insights into what is happening.

I think your ability to appreciate what your wife has achieved so far but also be aware of what may happen in the future is supposrtibe and realistic.

Also you have always acknowledged your part in the relationship.

I find your posts show there is always hope as a while ago there did not seem to be hope but now there is.

I think your last line says it all.

“At this stage only time is the only certainty .”

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

Time for an update on where things are and as the old adage goes “no news is good news”... things have remained peaceful.

She is trying hard and doing well at this stage to look at life, situations and challenges with a calm and measured approach. Taking breath to pause and take in situations rather than shooting from the hip...

its been very welcome from my side to see her make an effort for her marriage, herself and those around her. The odd occasion where previously an angered response may have been forthcoming has been instead greeted with a more calm and less agitated woman. Even conversations about the difficulties we have experienced have acknowledging the issues and looking to steer us away from repeat behaviours.

To that end she talks about the future in ways and terms that represent us and being together - not as separated.

For now that’s as much as I could really say - it’s a positive start... I hope it continues this was but time will be the measure to which we all will be accountable.

[TheFarSide]

So tonight an issue brewed. It’s testing her capacity to remain calm. Of course it’s a weekend my son is here as well.

Again it’s nothing that would cause issue amongst the general populous. Initially she told me to get out of her face - that she didn’t want to see me and that she was cheesed off.

This was based on her perception of my mood.

i reminded her that she said she would love me until she died just this morning and that I had also congratulated her on how well the preceding weeks had been. I said if she needed some time or space right now then she would need to ask for it in a civil and calm manner. She did - it was not perfect and slightly through gritted teeth but it was certainly a lot better than other almost every other occasion where profanity and yelling for a few hours prevailed.

She’s gone off to the bedroom now and I’m watching stuff on tv with my boy. I’m just gonna leave her be. - not sure for how long. It Was gonna happen sooner or later that her resolve would be tested...

I’ll have to wait to see whether she reigns it in or allows it to escalate uncontrolled. It’s actually quite hard for me to understand some of the BPD traits - more so how destructive they are - it really seems so counter intuitive to the love they supposedly are chasing... anyway...

‘this all happened earlier this evening - time will see... hopefully it works itself through.

[Guest_1584]

Heya fs.

Hope your son was outa earshot. Anyway , she's done so well , hope today hasn't blown up though but if she's made it through on that one little hickup l'd call it a win haha.. fingers crossed for ya mate.

How's your son been lately is he ok .

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for the message RX.

My wife moved passed her mood and despite obviously dealing with some internal struggles she communicated well at that time - she had a small amount of space to just gain perspective and was good again....

nothing has blown up since that night so we are travelling well thus far. She is determined not to lose this marriage and I quite like her efforts and solid determination so far.

Ive explained to my boy (as best you can) what it is that’s impacting my wife and that like any form of hurt or injury it might take some time to get into a better space. For the most part he’s quite oblivious and he’s very well rounded - just seems to work stuff out and move on without getting to hung up - of course he’s still young.

I guess that’s the round sum of the update.

i will post again - good or bad - soon.

Thanks

[TheFarSide]

So it’s been a little while since my last post - for the most part it’s been what I would equate to “normal” life... that’s is there has been a healthy mix of most normal day in day out reactions to things - good and not so.

There still some difficult moments...

At present she is trying to deal with a reaction that fits into what I would call the not so normal or everyday category. It comes hot on the heals of differing views between us (which is just part of life as a couple) and she is finding herself needing check herself to ensure that things don’t get out of hand.

I get the very real sense that part of her would like to just let fly of course with her anger but to her credit she is taking a path that doesn’t lead to days of disruption or vocalised anger or silence or combinations thereof. So for now a little space is in order.

See what comes of it.

[Guest_1584]

Doin well mate , l know your ready for either but , kinda hoping for you guys.

All the best. rx

[quirkywords]

TFS

Thanks for the update. Both of you have been through a lot in the last few months and you should both be pleased and maybe have some fun- maybe not the right word. I do know what it is like when you are trying so hard to change your usual reactions and how exhausting that is. Is your wife or both of you seeing a counsellor? I know you mentioned it at one stage but not sure if that is still happening.

Like random I wish you both the best and admire both of you and your determination.

Quirky