Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[TheFarSide]

We reached agreement on the exit strategy - at least in theory - still have to sign it but the nuts and bolts are worked out.

For the first time after that when I walked around (despite the others in the house) I could see this house as empty of other people and simply the silence of being on my own.

Its a big family house for mostly one person.

There is an enormous amount of time and tears that are going to be needed to shed to find my balance.

She apologised again through text and said no one will ever have the ability to love me like she does...

I keep reminding myself that I am letting go to protect myself and my son - his health and well-being as well as my health, sanity and who I am. To let go of this knowledge would be to lose myself in the sea of the destructive nature she can bring.

All the notes I’ve made over the last months about what has occurred in our relationship serve as a guide - I refer to these - so I can recall in detail what my heart may forget with the forgiving misty eyes of time.

I am lucky I know what happened. It’s time to pause and reflect for now but I know I cant get lost for too long in the stillness of the moment.

[Guest_1584]

Gday fs .

Wow that's big you buying her out you sure you wanna stay, although l suppose you could always sell later if you weren't happy. l hear you l stay at our house to, ex w, was gonna keep it but decided to move on in the end.

lt amazes me what she says to you and acknowledges and that she admits later how much she loves you, Mine wouldn't acknowledge a thing, it all just never happened , but l was still the devil himself and whatever happened was all me.

From reading that she might also decide to try the opposite and be good , try to bring you round again , l'm glad you've got the notes , not that you'll want remind ers but it might be a sage idea , l actually had to do similar or l would've buckled for sure,

That was a great idea sorting it out with your ex for your son but l'm sorry to because l could imagine how hard that must've been involving her.

Al the best

rx

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for the massage RX...

my sons mum knows I look after our son - we trust each other’s judgement on many matters and the result has meant we have pretty good communication and my son has a good space to just enjoy family. It also means we don’t interfere in each other’s everyday matters that one parent can easily deal with... the down side this time around is that the following fortnight due to unexpected matters rising my sons mum can’t have him - he needs to come to stay with me so I am hoping to resolve some things before then.

However there has been Some minor relief in tension over the last day or so.

It started with another set of unnecessary angry words from her after my son had gone back to his mums that ended in me speaking a lot of blunt home truths in response and breaking her down emotionally into tears... I was able to use my notes, the emails and texts to show her how life has been on the receiving end of her behaviours.

am I suspicious of the tears ... It does coincide with my son leaving and talk of buying her out along with other financial red flags but at the moment I am pleased a little air of calm has befallen the house regardless of what has caused it ... but ... I proceed with a sensible air of caution as well. Would she have been so receptive to my blunt approach with the financial element involved I’m not so sure...

At that time and apology came and again Today there has been a further apology however I simply refuse to go through the same motions as every other time this push pull thing occurs.

On the positive for her... She has advised me she is resuming counselling and therapy - again we have been here before - so will see if she really does it for herself. Admittedly previous therapy was a positive experience for the rest of us in the house however any ongoing form of change will require real work from her....

Still I have given her words of encouragement in seeking help.

She has also said she doesn’t want to lose the relationship however I have made it very clear that it will not continue as it is anyway. Current behaviours are not acceptable or sustainable regardless of the love word being thrown around. There are simply factors and actions that have occurred which I refuse to continue to be party of.

If she sees the therapy and work through then it’s a win for the house... if it falls apart then I’ve been sensible enough to not buy into the theory of ‘promised change’...

[Guest_1584]

Hi fs.

Nah all l meant about the ex was having to explain your private business with your marriage and stuff to an ex , well l know l wouldn't like mine knowing about mine ,anyway that's all, We decided day one to work together to for our daughter and it's helped beyond words in all this , us too. But nah nothing at all ever about our personal lives or anything like that just parenting stuff..

Yeah l didn't think your w wanted to lose it either. know you wouldn't be getting any hopes up but it's great she's going back to therapy anyway , even if just for her daughters hey,

All the best

rx

[TheFarSide]

Thanks rx

I am pretty thankful to be honest that my sons mum is understanding about the circumstance. It’s one less area that I need to focus on and means that our son is cared for regardless.

Meanwhile - for the last few days my wife has been calm... she has listened to the little bits of feedback I had for her (which she did without reacting in anger) - I wasn’t critical in any way, didn’t labor any point and nor did I say things in a way that was designed to persecute her for behaviours gone by.

She has booked in to a physchiastrist - with the hope to develop a longer term strategy, including medications, counselling and other therapy. She has reiterated a number of times that she does not want us to separate - they weren’t words said through a teary moment with an emotionally charged desperation - she spoke calmly about wanting to work on the marriage - acknowledging the observations I had made.

I have no doubt she doesn’t remember some things - the puzzelled look on her face is pretty genuine when I talk about some of the language she has used, some of the hypocrisies and even the duration/sensitivity of her anger. That said I think she does also choose to forget some things whether through self protection or because of some other rationale.

So at this stage I haven’t made any noises about unpicking our separation. Our wedding rings are still off and parts of our lives that were separated definitely remain unentwined - she has said she wants to earn my trust and our lives back. We are back to sharing a bedroom however I am far far removed from being influenced by whatever happens in that space... So much has been promised around change before that has only ended back at a broken down relationship... the commitment I made in marriage has been sorely tested...

There is a part of her mind that doesn’t see the world the same as I do so for now I think I will just watch what happens - see what she is prepared to do (and actually does). Perhaps that is as much as I can offer her for now. I feel good and confident in myself - I know I am a good human being.... despite the many words that have been spoken in anger at me and even some of the rawness I felt in hearing them - I have not lost faith in who I am.

So where to now I don’t know. Will just see what tomorrow brings and then the day after that.

[TheFarSide]

Just a quick update.

A week has passed since the house’s environment has stabilised. There has been no fighting at all and my wife has been open in being able to communicate about the traits, issues and difficulties. Even being able to smile and accept at some level about how difficult it would’ve been for me.

I think there is some genuine work being done internally by her to reduce the conflict which I am impressed about. Will need to see what the professional component brings to the mix as well...

I’m still unsure about many things and as such I’ve made no further adjustment to reverse my life back or to proceed down the separation path.

The wait and see option is still by and large where my head is at. Certainly tho While it’s been a quiet week it really feels like it’s been quite a long 7 days. Peaceful tho and I’ve slept pretty well.

Time will tell.

[quirkywords]

TheFarSide,

Thanks for the update and I am pleased you have had a peaceful week.

I suppose you can enjoy the peace and the moment and look at what is happening and not worry about the what ifs.

Do you feel you are still walking on eggshells or now you don't worry about the eggshells as you will deal with them when and if you walk on them?

Thanks again for sharing your journey.

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

Thanks Quirky for your response.

I don’t feel as tho I am on eggshells at this point. It’s certainly been calm however I’m pretty sure if she was to have an explosive episode that I would simply retire away from her presence and not expose myself to any toxicity. Not so much eggshells in that case but a sensible approach to escaping a heated environment and maintaining sanity. The emotional leverage just isn’t there anymore for her to maniplulate.

We have over few evenings during the last week discussed how to view or handle things that seem to be triggers. Given her examples of how to approach things rather than the default setting being to fire up - using real examples where she has fired up unnecessarily previously and trying to ascertain why she chose that path.

At the moment she is doing ok - but life is a marathon not a sprint - it will be how she handles life long term that will be a big factor in whether that life journey has me or not included. I can only offer so much so while there is an opportunity here )for which she has expressed her appreciation), there is no guarantee...

This week I have my son with me... I truly hope she can control and secure the emotions that feed the emotional charges she has felt before when he has stayed.

I told her that while my son fills a part of my life only he can fill - she as my wife also fills a part of my life that only she can fill... these elements should compliment each other rather than be in competition.

She has expressed many times the desire to stay married and be together. For now - It’s a waiting game ...

[Guest_1584]

Hey fs.

Tbh , l've had my fingers crossed right through for you guys. But l know and l wouldn't either , that you don't wanna think like that or risk giving in again and l don't blame ya.

l can't believe the work she's doing tho or the talking about it all, l really take my hat of to her . l now it might come to nothing but ,,, non the less, pretty amazing

Anyway good luck with your son and everything else., l kinda hope the house business all takes it's own sweet time tho , never know.

All the best

rx

[TheFarSide]

Thanks rx...

The house market being what it is has actually worked out ok so far in keeping the pressure off making some descisions... certainly a contract of sale would force one of our hands definitively in some direction. The whole change has bought time ... although admittedly there have been times getting out was all I wanted.

Tonight We had a difficult subject to broach with opposing points of view and it could have easily exploded but I kept reminding her during the discussion that couples don’t always agree on everything but it doesn’t mean it needs to inflate it into a war either. I kept the voice calm, made sure to maintain physical closeness and showed her how to compromise in a relationship without feeling like you lost in the outcome. She struggled with empathy - understanding the feeling side of things that I had however she maintained calmness and it was a positive step for her. I yielded this time and quite deliberately so - she had raised some valid points and it wasn’t a topic that I felt so attached to that I couldn’t let go - but it also served to demonstrate how it’s possible to deal with difficult situations and still be ok.

I needed to go out for a little afterwards but upon my return she came up to me and apologised for not considering my point of view or feelings on the matter prior to me raising it in the discussion.

I take it as a positive step however I am also aware this was a time when her views became the path we chose. It may be a far more difficult for her at those times when I hold my ground on a particular matter and the path goes the other way.

So I sit, watch and wait... it’s where it’s at for now... with traits you have to be prepared that a moment can shift in the blink of an eye.... i do appreciate the support and positive thoughts tho...

so it’s still quiet in the house ....