Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[quirkywords]

theFarSide,

I find all your posts very moving.

I found this line you wrote very interesting

"It’s now time to move on from that knowledge quest lest it become an unhealthy pursuit."

I suppose the quest part may be over but as long as she is part of your life you will be learning about her.

Your second last line about being in your own bed, being the time the absolute grief will pour out, is so sad and poignant.

Randomx, your posts have been very supportive and interesting.

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

Thanks Quirky

Today I have come home to a huge BPD outburst - its just angry and mean and targeting everything possible - previous relationships, my sons value in life and how she sees my worthless soul. She has no inner monologue to calm her down and it is toxic and vicious. This is the worst I've seen - everything is fair game and its absolutely nasty - its beyond chilling. I am doing what I can to stay out of her way and not engage...

Admittedly my nerves are a bit frazzled by the intensity... I am not sure I can do much more than stay out of her way for now.

[TheFarSide]

Last night was nothing short of full blown disgusting behaviour. I’ve not before received such levels of hatred and abuse from a woman. The foulest of language mixed with looks of disgust and much worse.

The only message to take away from this is that it confirms why we need to go seperate ways. I could not be further removed emotionally from her.

[quirkywords]

the Farside,

I am sorry that you had to experience such behaviour.

I realise for financial reasons you need to stay under the same roof, but is there any way you could stay somewhere else even if temporarily until the house is sold?

Quirkym

[White_Rose]

Hello FS

I'm sorry to be 'off air' for a while. I have struggling with 'stuff' of my own and found pretty much any post in any thread triggering my anxieties.

Working through the sort of demonstration you just had from your wife is very hard. I'm sorry you had to witness this. I think this has absolutely made your decision to leave. I know you had mostly decided on this but I think there was always a twinge of hope. Now you can move on knowing you absolutely gave it your best shot.

As Quirky said, you will always have some contact with your wife via your child. Time enough to work out how best to manage this when you have sold your home and moved elsewhere. Have you thought about where you will live and your access to your daughter (?)? Sorry I cannot remember whether you have a son or daughter which is not a good look. I blame the tension in my life for affecting my memory.😂

I suspect the full realisation that you are really going has begun to hit home with your wife. My interpretation of course, but I think she is terrified of being on her own and knows how much support she has received from you. It seems BPD is an illness of self control. I doubt if anyone has been able to not lose their temper at times but we do know how to manage the upsets of life in general. Not having that insight and control and knowing this is happening must be so hard for her. You probably realise I have a lot of sympathy for your wife but this does not make her behaviour acceptable or your behaviour wrong. I so much wish she would get help but it is her decision to do so or not. Until then I think sadly she will always act in this fashion.

As Quirky mentioned, I wonder if you can move out for a while, hopefully until the house is sold. This amount of stress is not helping either of you. Selling your home can take a while depending on your demographics etc. May I also suggest you start looking for a home in preparation for when the house is sold? If nothing else it will give you something to think about.

I think, like everyone else, that your posts show a great deal of insight for both you and your wife. This is helpful and I believe you come out of this with far less trauma than may otherwise be the case.

Mary

[TheFarSide]

Thanks Mary and Quirky for your messages.

Through all the words written it’s easy enough to forget who is with who and where.

I have a son from a previous relationship - his mother and I are quite amacable and focus on our sons interests...

My current wife has 2 daughters from a previous relationship with the younger one living with us full time.

When we part there will be no ties holding us together and I intend to go strictly no contact. For now it’s a grin and wear situation but I have seen a doctor and gone on a mental health plan.

she sent an apology of sorts this morning via text buts it is about as hollow an effort as you would find - I’ve not responded - I have no respect for her left to value acknowledging her sorry - every other apology has simply brought more rubbish after she has been forgiven.

there is no way forward together - I would forever be fearful of her verbal cruelty being unleashed.

thanks again for your messages. I don’t expect anyone to keep up - it’s a story full of twists and turns and unfortunately a negative outcome - i am however greatful for the ear and responses I get.

[Happygoluckymiss]

Hi Farside

i hope you don’t mind me jumping in to this thread so late.

I just wanted to say I have been in a very similar situation and I ended the marriage nearly 2 years ago. The characteristics and behaviour were a solemn, timely and very welcome reminder of the progress I have made in two years. It gets very tough, exhausting and numbing dealing with being essentially a punching bag. I commend you and in awe of your ability to express your emotions.

I just wanted to say you’re not alone. I was with mine for ten years.

please take care of yourself and I’m happy to see you’ve reached out for support.

- happygoluckymiss

[Guest_1584]

Hi fs , and damn , sorry man.

But it's predictable now as rose was saying with everything sinking in and l hate to say it but l'd be bracing for more of those. So yeah is there possibly somewhere else, some way ?

Just thinking too , can you not have your son over anymore until your out of there, can you take him somewhere instead.? It's just that there's a good chance she'll blow same again at him or around him anytime now , might even target him, it'd just be cruel, unfair and so hard on him, l wouldn't risk it myself.

Anyway , hope you can work things out

rx

[TheFarSide]

Thank you Rx and ‘Happygolucky’ for your messages.

I agree that things are only likley to get worse/uglier/difficult... today has really just continued on from before however her own girls being here have probably forced her to not be quite so aggressive outwardly - most of it has been text or email however verbally she has taken any opportunity to have a snide dig or something worse... there is almost a line of separation in the house...

I have spoken with my sons mum and we have agreed to some alternative arrangements until this dust settles. It certainly was not an easy conversation but she knew I had only my sons interest at heart and has been across a lot of the stuff from previous conversations . I will still see him but he won’t be staying overnight for awhile after this weekend and I truly hate that - my son is the best things I’ve ever been part of... I know I have to tho - 1 step backward 2 steps forward sort of thing... my son is well and happy but knows that my current wife is anything but well/healthy. Even My sons mum isn’t off limits to be used as a verbal weapon to try and get a rise from me in really low and disgusting ways.

I can’t move away at the moment... however my wife offered me a price to buy her out of the house - a price I agreed to but suddenly now she’s not so sure - she gotta think about it now... I said I’d even get her some money ahead of final settlement so she could go now and find a rental ... but she didn’t want to waste money renting... she said I have a good job so what kind of man am I (internally I laughed) and then she implied that she could maybe stay in the house while she finds a place to buy after being bought out - I said ‘no’... if I buy her out she is gone before or by the day it happens. I will also be watching the removalists on that day just in case the whole house is removed.

anyway I keep getting texts like - ‘you make my skin crawl’... ‘why don’t you just expletive off you expletive’... and on and on it goes... I responded once saying ‘when you want to discuss the house or a related matter I will communicate with you - other than that you will be ignored’.

I have no doubt that she is simply the nastiest person I’ve had the misfortune to met however her words have lost most of their influence on me... Once respect goes the so does their influence. I feel more in control and a bit better about not having to shield my son so much going forward.

[TheFarSide]

As a side note to my earlier message. I encourage all men to speak up and seek help when it comes to their well being - physical or mental.... Many of us were not shown as young men that it’s ok to feel the gamut of human emotions - especially when we are hurt or emotionally confused. Most of us have put other peoples needs and wants in our lives first and well ahead of any of our own - I certainly fall into this... please take time to understand yourself as a man and make sure you’re in a good place.

In this relationship I have experienced some of the extremes of partner generated emotional abuse mixed with lies, mis truths, deciept, manipulations and a host of other negative qualities. I have also been physically hurt - these matters I had not really spoken about here before because of the infrequency but None of these things are acceptable human behaviours. With DV starting to become part of even the industrial relations landscape it has clearly become a community issue for all genders...

For those who have BPD and are seeking therapy I wish you the best and encourage you to stay the course... as with everything there a varying degrees and not everyone with BPD traits exhibits all the traits to the extreme. Unfortunately it’s such a hard disorder to be able to read early on - in my situation the warning sign was actually the perfection of the companionship she presented to me during those first 12 months. Id suggest that’s a pretty perfect camouflage - I’m sure I missed some stuff but ...

I know did not fail my wife and I did not fail myself - I loved her as much as any husband could love their wife and I gave her opportunity to find herself in the comfort of love and support when the issues began to present themselves... As her daughter said to me -‘ you are the only one to have pushed to find out what was wrong with her and what we know now makes sense to me’.

I do hope this time of separation can move quickly into actual physical separation for both of us and strictly no contact thereafter.