Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[TheFarSide]

I came home quite late today - with work and then I caught up with my boy for a few hours.

During the day Our real estate agent had been trying to get a hold of my wife - after a little while if he can’t get a hold of her he usually just updates me and sent me texts to confirm a few things which I just then forwarded to my wife by text.

When I got home I said did you get my text and then she said she had blocked me... I just looked at her with a puzzled expression and said you do know we need to communicate With each other while selling the house? She lost it however I basically refused to get drawn into it - I said talk to me when you can be civil and went off to bed.

A little while later she came in and said I’m sorry I yell, I’m sorry I can’t hold it together and I’m sorry I fight with you, I’m sorry I can’t hold my family together.

I got her to sit on the bed with me - gave time for her emotions to settle and then we talked about how the last few years had played out - now things had changed for us. She said she didn’t know why but she can’t help push everyone away. For about 10 minutes it was an ok conversation then it turned quick - I missed the trigger comment so I can’t say what it was. Suddenly it was ‘how many times do you need to tell your son to do something before he gets it right’ along with a few other negative remarks and then she tells me ‘this is why we are in trouble’.

She hates that I try to work with my sons mother to have common rules and boundaries for our son in our respective homes. My wife then criticised my lack of disciplinary approach - telling me ‘I just don’t get it’.

Overall he’s actually a pretty well behaved for a boy and I have no issue correcting or educating him as necessary. I then pointed out to my wife that her daughter has needed to be reminded and educated on rules of the house from time to time and that i don’t get all angry with my wife or her daughter when these rules aren’t adhered to 100%. Could she please explain why the expectations are different - this is where she got up and left the room in a huff refusing to talk any further... as she left she made sure To make noise over me so as to not hear what I was saying as she left the room and closed the door.

It feels like she Dislikes any time, money and attention I give my boy. Unfortunatley separation looks it will be the best outcome - my Parental protection kicked in.

[TheFarSide]

This is more just a story of a situation from last night:

So yesterday I found out she had blocked me on her phone - I had been sending her details from the estate agent who had been trying to reach her and couldn’t get hold of her.

When I asked her later at home if she had blocked me she said yes and I simply said it might make sense to keep communication channels open while we sell the house. She then ramped it up telling me how no good I was, that she was the one to end it all along with some other completely unrelated angered words.

I said I am not going to engage with you if you can’t be civil and went to bed.

Later on she came in to the bedroom and started apologising and crying - saying “I’m sorry I yell at you, I’m sorry I pick fights, I’m sorry I can’t hold my family together” etc.

I got her to just sit with on the bed and calm for a bit. We then discussed what had happened to the relationship - the 12 months of good, then the marriage trigger and all the other things that have made this relationship so destructive etc. we talked about her needing to want to be different and getting appropriate support. She said the only way forward is to seperate coz She hurts the people She is close to. At that point it was still calm until...

...the topic came to my son and she turned exceptionally bitter in tone. “How many times does he need to be told something before he listens - why do you need to coparent with his mum - you don’t listen to me and I’m his pseudo mum - you just don’t get it”. I look after his needs when he is over (cooking, cleaning, activities, washing etc etc). There was more but of a similar ilk and basically all negative.

He stays with me 2 days out of 14 (outside school holidays) - in need I do instruct him or correct his behaviour but I’m not harsh either. I also try to marry up the expectations and disciplines he has at his mums house so he has similar rules at both houses.

I started reminding her that her daughter needs to be reminded of house rules and expectations from time to time and that I don’t get all upset and angry about things. Kids learn in their own way and need reminding at times.

She then got off the bed quickly in a huff and just kept talking loudly saying this is why we are in trouble until she could close the door behind her.

at this stage I believe separating is the right call - if only to provide a safer environment for all the kids.

[TheFarSide]

Sorry about the duplicated story - I posted it last night but then my pc crashed and I thought it had been lost - so I retyped it this morning ... In any case it just tells a small segment of a much bigger picture.

Admittedly I found that I Was not as emotionally connected to her during our conversation last night - there was a distance that didn’t feel like we were a couple. While we spoke She sat next to me leaning in on my arm but not once did I feel like I should say ‘it’ll be ok and we will work through it’.

It was only when my son came up as a topic did she start to straighten up and then shift away from being physically close to me. It’s very strange how my son triggers this reaction in her and how little value she places on his intelligence and my parental skills. My son Spends so little time with me over a fortnight and I simply can’t figure out why she would hold onto so much anger for so long - especially when the example I give her daughter (who is with us full time) is a message of support and understanding - knowing she is a teen learning her way in life.

Just about everytime that my wife, my son and I went out together for an activity she would always find things to be narky about - it was like she would come just to monitor what was going on and then tell me all of these things he had done that proved he was a bad kid - sometimes it was just about him rushing over to hold my hand while walking around the shops (and he never pushed her out of the way or broke her hand in mine if she and I were already holding hands). We simply stopped going out with her as well as it just got ridiculous. She even criticises what I make him for food telling me I serve him garbage yet I mainly give him good stuff like watermelon, oranges, apples, strawberries, lamb, pork, ham, chicken, cheese, broccoli, corn, cauliflower, potato etc etc.... like anyone We have a sub or maccas or up and goes etc or something similar when we are time poor and on the rush. She even got shitty about the time, money and attention now he and I have a midweek activity as well.

I’d read quite a few forums etc that speak of children from a previous marriage being a target for isolation away from the non BPD partner when the BPD traits are in motion. Her jealous approach here has meant that separation was the probably the only long term outcome possible... I will not walk away from my son.

[Guest_1584]

Hi fs.

Nah , of course your not walking away from him. But actually yeah l was warned of much the same and by experts , that she may try to isolate me and drive friends family or even my daughter away. And admittedly , my ex did have those tendencies and came out with some really strange things about my daughter , family and stuff.

l wonder if that could be changed and she'd come around about your son , well if you were going on anyway but l suppose it doesn't much matter now.

Hope your holding up

rx

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for your message RX.

By the sounds of things you had very similar experiences regarding the push to keep you isolated. Seeing yours and so many other stories across the Internet - all telling similar tales - shows that there is a real need to be cautious in ways I’d never considered previously when choosing to be with someone.

We have been sleeping apart for more days now than I can count - barely spoken during that time and admittedly it’s been peaceful... I’m sure the neighbours appreciate it as well - they have copped a bunch of loud voices over last 12 months...

She did try to talk about everyday stuff last night but it felt unnatural/stilted/forced. This morning I received a text from here wishing me a nice day with a broken heart emoji.

I had told her before that if her ring was thrown I wouldn’t chase her to fix things between us and I have not pursued her at all.

Have a good one.

[quirkywords]

TheFarSide

I can see how you would see there is a need to be more cautious when starting a new relationship but do you think when we are falling in love with someone our emotions and hormones take over and caution goes out the window.

As you have discovered people can be very good at hiding their issues and at the beginning of a relationship we all tend to present our best side, dress well, behave well, etc.

I find your insights very thoughtful.

How do you feel you have changed your thinking or behaviour if at all, since you wrote your first post here?

Thanks again for sharing your experiences here.

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for your message quirky

Unfortunately there is no perfect formula, set of questions, rules, dress codes or Wiley coyote holding up an ‘acme’ warning sign (road runner style) to tell us when people are not good for us... learning from life’s experiences and putting them into sensible practice is all we can do...

I say sensible practice - while my wife’s own behaviours could be traced back to her life experiences her application of those experiences isn’t what I call sensible... they only amount to the opposite of what she says she wants...

I have never turned my back on my wife when she has needed or asked for help but I know I can’t help her now with where she is - she has pushed me as far away as anyone can be when living in the same house... for now I need to focus my energies back to making sure I look after myself and my son...

Part of that is knowing it’s ok for me to be disappointed and to grieve for what this moment in time looks and feels like to me. To accept I can’t make things be different and to let go of the frustrations as I can...

I could not have foreseen a few years ago this being the end outcome for my wife and I... but I also have some answers as to how and why I am here... understanding what happened has value in being able to take positive steps forward.

I am still so inwardly amazed that my son (or anyone’s child) would be a trigger for this kind of relationship behaviour. It’s so far from my own train of thought that it might take a little to release this frustration - and that may simply be things don’t get much more personal than your children.

As to the future - I am comfortable in my own skin - i also know i really enjoy the physical & emotional intimacy as well that comes from being inside a well balanced equal footing partnership.

Allowing ourselves to love and be loved is a risk but a risk well measured with immense reward - of course some people will treat you kindly and others not so ... All you can do is be happy in yourself and make choices that make the most sense for who you are...

[TheFarSide]

So more time has passed as we remain separated under one roof. We’ve uttered only the barest essential words to communicate as needed - mostly under tension and generally it’s been easier and non emotional via text. We tend to avoid running into each other as best we can.

I’ve continued to journal the issues, the fights,the difficulties and the life we’ve had as best I could remember....It’s certainly been very abusive behaviour and language I’ve lived with for a long time and Noting things down helps me remember why it is I am in this situation... It’s a relief to not be spoken to (or hear my son be spoken about) in a negative way however I look forward to being physically away from this environment as well... there is healing to do I’m sure. She probably has some as well but I need to leave her find that journey for herself.

There’s not much more to say for now. The Space has been needed and appreciated.

[Guest_1584]

Hey fs.

Well you do a much better job explaining it that l ever did so all cool mate if it helps even better. l must've sounded like a spinning top back when, l really couldn't even begin to explain what set this or that off or how things happened.

l feel bad talking about it now because l know she'd hate that but 2ndly l'm with someone new now. lt happened kinda fast l wasn't expecting it or really ready and still working through feelings for ex and things that happened, so we've tried to keep it slow.

But l feel for your son deeply and nah l can't imagine how anyone could use kids as amo either, it's just beyond me. Ex , she never met my daughter , l know how that sounds but until l could be sure l could trust her , l just couldn't allow it. Well , that was always blurry. that was the problem. At times it looked like she'd love to be the best gf and step mum ever and l'm pretty sure she'd start with best intentions mostly. But her hair trigger was my biggest concern first of all, and if that came out with my daughter l couldn't bare it so.

She had a weird thing with her son too. She moved to the states when he was 3 , left him in Italy with her parents, never went back to get him . They hated each other, but it was a real touchy subject so l never really found the story out. he's 26 now.

Anyway , hang in there fs , hope your holding up.

rx

[TheFarSide]

Thanks rx...

These kind of breakups are hard - not only do you have the normal emotions that go with any breakup but also a lack of understanding as to what caused the change in the relationship to begin with... the first love bomb period of time is so intense with you seeing, feeling and hearing someone who fits your ideal need in a partner...

looking back now and with some purpose to where I am going in my future there were some very minor indicators in that ‘love bomb’ phase that I chose to ignore - although in perspective at that time they were nothing particularly out of order for a normal relationship... as I have said before It only got real alarming when we got married and of course that act alone seem to trigger the open release of an ongoing series of behaviours that could only lead to one outcome.

I am glad I tried to grapple with what was going on with her though... to work out what was setting her off - why some things so minor would cause her to drift into anger territory... of course the psychiatrist was the moment when all the other pieces of info from doctors, counsellors, our own research along with the home and life factors came together to confirm what I had suspected...

It had gotten to the point that I believed that fighting was virtually the only way she knew how to communicate... then of course came the apologies and the quest to be close again followed by another lash out before the night was through. As you say the quick draw hair trigger.

Bizarrely enough tho she has bought me chocolate today... it’s a nice thought I guess... I am choosing to not read anything particular in it.

Your story of your gf leaving a 3 year old behind is very telling - that’s a hard thing for a person to do (unless there are no other choices) and to do it without reason or redress in later years seems odd.

I’ve probably done all I need to for me to understand what the traits do, where they come from and how likely recovery is. It’s now time to move on from that knowledge quest lest it become an unhealthy pursuit. Once the dice was cast things just simply ran their course.

I know that tears will still come... she is still here in my life as such because of our living arrangements - it’s only when I can stare a four fresh house walls of my own, from my own bed and on my own will the absolute grief of it all pour out...

Thanks for your messages rx