Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[TheFarSide]

So her wedding ring came off again.

We ended up in yet another verbal tussle - once again she said it was my fault for whatever the argument topic of the moment was - the topics changed every few seconds & some of those topics are just so unbelievable trivial - For example I couldn’t work out if I’d bought enough or too many ‘up&go’ drinks - it seemed to change depending on how or what point she wanted to make. She accused me of stealing money despite the fact she has access to our accounts and banking transactions online - these things aren’t hard to counter with actual evesenve to the contrary but I shouldn’t have to.

Aside the triviality of some of the topics, it truly was an intense interaction. Bitter words and tone...

When I started to counter her on the real facts to her points she started going into the “why do you stay then” stuff - in the end she got frustrated and through her ring away again... just like the time before and the many times before that.

I know she isn’t well & I know this type of interaction with another human being isn’t healthy or even probably that normal. It’s hard not being able to render any assistance that actually makes her find a better place. It’s also hard feeling like my son is under critical review.

Over the last 12 months I have seen and heard some truly awful stuff that one day she claims she can’t remember and then says she does until she can’t again... now more recently I have responded to her ways with angry words as well - I’m tired of fighting and trying to be polite and understanding of her circumstances.

I am simply finding I don’t have the core capacity to keep her happy and everybody in a safe space free from needing to walk on eggshells anymore.

Not having a happy blended family environment is just one aspect to show. I also feel a sense of relief when I get home and her car isn’t there.

For my own emotional and physical health, self respect and dignity I have taken my ring off - I have found hers and have put them away in a container in the garage. I think this is where the road probably ends...

I’m not as sad as I probably should be. I know I need a good sleep.

[quirkywords]

FarSide

I can feel the exhaustion, frustration and tiredness through your last 2 posts.

I think you have expressed very clearly what is happening.

I have nothing to add but thanks for your honesty.

You have allowed us to witness the very painful times as well as the calm moments.

by reading your posts I have learnt about how my behaviour affects others .

The wedding rings in a container in the garage says it all.

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

After a few days of silence we finally communicated.

There was no doubt I could not see a future any more. Things had become really toxic and as a parent I just had more concerns than in reality I knew were going to be resolved to my satisfaction through any proposed remedial action. It’s not like I necessarily I didn’t feel anything for her but it all had changed and she knew it as well.

‘The deep seated underpinning love that was perceived by both of us in our own ways as the glue holding the guts of us together and secure just wasn’t anymore. Like the end of the original Blade Runner... time for things to pass.

We’ve agreed to some respectful boundaries (mainly at my insistence) and reviewed the house listing in now a changing real estate market. Plans are afoot to move on with life...

Part of me is obviously terribly disappointed - I took everything I’d ever learnt about myself through life and previous relationships and gave it my absolute best but unfortunately there were circumstances here that were just outside my control/influence... Those are just the facts but I know I still have some of the emotions to deal with which probably won’t have a logical path to follow.

Thanks to everyone who has shared and commented as the last few months have unfolded. It’s been helpful to type things out and work through matters as they arose... My experience of BPD has left me much wiser in many ways...

[Guest_1584]

So sorry fs .

All such a huge thing for you and beyond.if only huh. But you had to try and try again because you need to be sure and you gave it your best and then some,

kt amazes me that she acknowledged herself and talked about getting help , l had big hopes because of that because my ex acknowledged nothing , nothing . kt was as if she just couldn't see it , yet remembered every word l'd ever spoke especially any in anger.

l wonder does your w acknowledge her 12mths of good behavior earlier and then her flipping..No need to go there or answer if you don't want all understandable

Anyway , again so sorry .

rx

[TheFarSide]

Thanks Rx for your message.

The best way I can describe things is that she has an interchangeable memory - there are things she chooses to remember exceptionally well, there are memories of things that are altered to suit the need of her moment and then there’s the I can’t remember exactly what you are talking about component.

I think to some degree we all have elements of this but the degrees are just substantially more expansive and extreme with her.

She is aware to some degree we had a good 12 months however, it was also a time I spent with someone who was hiding her true self. That part has also been discussed. Much of that time has been overshadowed by what came after.

Last weekend my son came to stay with me - he received 2 words from her - “Hi” and “Bye”. She wasn’t rude but as a parent I expect more from someone who has been my partner and who also has children. My boy and I had fun despite the dark cloud hovering around the house.

I also had opportunity to update the younger daughter about what was going on with me and her mum. she is a good teen with a kind heart and has done well to be so well centered - none of this of course comes as any great surprise to her.

Yesterday my wife and I had agreed to a few boundaries and respectful behaviour however already I can see this is a struggle for her - she has had a few narky moments. Hopefully these will settle. While I don’t believe staying in the house together is the healthiest option for anyone it’s the course we need to follow for now.

I won’t deny that I have felt some relief in letting go despite being torn apart by the desintergration of our life, love, present, past and future. Fact is I slept really well last night alone in a bed. It’s a mixed bag - having had the rubber band pulled tight for so long it’s been nice to not worry if there are eggshells on the floor.

She knows I won’t chase her to repair this relationship - that was made clear last time she threw her ring... but I hope she continues if possible with her counsellor - there was no doubt she was better for a period of time after each session albeit not a cure. She seemed to enjoy the interaction and It was always good to just sit and have a chat about how it went and what she discovered and so on afterwards... It provided hope...

For now I will keep posting for here for a little bit - if only to help me bring closure to this part of my life’s journey.

Thanks again for taking the time to write.

[Guest_1584]

Hi fs.

Oh yeah l still wonder too especially when l come across someone dealing with similar. l met her after 3yrs of going through divorce . Everything was instant between us and then some, even bigger than when l'd met ex w way back.l still think about what ifs and coulda shoulda's , was she or wasn't she . l've always wondered if her dis'acknowledgement was real or just selective. Some times it was like she'd grant me a few crumbs and would admit to some little meaningless thing but l always suspected she knew and remembered everything and reading about your w , l can see how selective she is so l think l might've been right. She was extremely intelligent and with a split second razor sharp wit so it was almost impossible pinning her down if she didn't wanna be pinned down. She change subjects and twist and turn so that you didn't know what was going on 5mins later.So l think with that and reading about your w , l was right about mine and they can also just be very very crafty .

Must be so hard for her daughter , poor thing and now this for her too. My gf hadn't really spoken to her son in 20yrs, they seemed to hate each other and that was also always a bit of a worry.

The house sitch is understandable a lot of couples have to go that way so l hope it's tolerable and maybe even something good comes from that in the end, who knows . Hopefully the counselor can keep her somewhere near level and make things a bit easier.

l sure get the closure thing , l know l'm still piecing bits together and l know if l can find that well, hopefully some peace too eh.

Hope everyone is holding up and thanks very much for the post.

rx

[TheFarSide]

This morning feels a little empty. It’s a peculiar feeling. Having lived such an intense relationship style for so long it’s very strange to be in the same house - not talking, not spending anytime with her, not fighting and not a 100 other things that you normally do in a communicative relationship - even a destructive one.

I had another restful and deep sleep last night which was nice. There’s always a little ying and yang in everything we face.... The sad side is that I woke in bed to look at the empty space where she would normally have been - despite it all and the knowledge that things could not continue the same way it’s still an emotional disaster to lose the person you have invested so much of yourself in.

[quirkywords]

The Far side,

I think that emptiness you describe so well is one many can relate to.

even if a relationship has been a struggle without it one feels empty.

I think you may also be grieving the loss of the relationship and this will take time.

As you have written you have put much time and emotion into another person.

It must be strange being in the same house and not talking.

I hope that writing here has helped you in some small way.

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

Thanks Rix for your message.

The advantage of modern times is that help, information and people are just a few www. clicks away ... it didn’t take me a long time to logically realise that something shifted the day we got married - being the person I am I like to know and understand the world and situations I am in... the research led me to getting the symptoms I saw aligned to a disorder “name” and then to understand what the current practices and process for helping etc were.

Admittedly I didn’t realise initially that as part of this journey I would also need to be mindful of my own health and well being. That thankfully has changed - my son is the amazing reflective gauge to which I listen to...

I have done so much reading and there are lots of stories out there of people who have gone through virtually the exact same thing with a partner who has BPD/Traits and it’s almost like there was a script that they bring out for the relationship journey. My wife I think would’ve been diagnosed a long time back except for a couple of quirky developments in her life that basically meant she didn’t have to deal with many people at all. In many ways this itself has probably been an issue as she hasn’t had the social conditioning that many of us have by just participating in all life’s necessities.

This is still emotionally heartbreaking - I fell (with all I am) for her... it absolutely is personally distressing to have to wrestle myself to understand the person I loved wasn’t real - in fact she had by and large dissapeared over 12 months ago...

Plain and simply it’s a painful journey to unpick your hopes, dreams and vision for the future - but... I feel that I could have done no more to make it work than what I did - I am also nowhere near the only person in the world who has been impacted by how these traits can operate in a relationship. I even get it’s not a deliberate act on her behalf - it’s how she is wired based on the life, environment and experiences she had well before I was even a blip on the radar.

The light ahead RX that there are many many good people out there. Even though the relationship with my sons mother didn’t last forever she is still a good person overall and we lasted quite a long time. My current wife can’t understand why I don’t hate my ex - I just don’t see that as helpful to my son. This current relationship was something I couldn’t foresee and like anyone I was open and hopeful to find love. Keep the door open to the future.

[Guest_1584]

Hi fs and so sorry once again.

Such a sad shame but , maybe it's a good thing you've accepted it so early, too you know, one guy l met tried anything and everything for 17yrs with his ex. w.

l use to think of mine , well lots and lots of things actually but also as basically a scared little girl.. And yeah not all her fault or all something and things she could control or even understand just like l often can't anxiety. But to at 48 the poor thing had had the man run from hell and back and so all the abandonment and push pull things too. l often felt just sad for her.

Your son sounds like one very special little man .

Day ata time l guess for now eh , hang in there , find the light.

rx