Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for the messages Quirky and Borderline.

I was expecting something at sometime but I think this sometime I was caught a little off guard on this occaision with just the speed of the shift over something so ‘nothing’ - I’m not dismissing that it may have been important in her eyes but it just seemed to me that it was not so much the cause of any real grievance but more so the excuse needed to release/vent.

We haven’t spoken now for awhile and we are at separate ends of the house. If may sound uncaring but I’m not unhappy with this position at the moment. I’m not deliberately avoiding her to make further issue or create drama... I feel that I just need some time out without having to think in my feet or worry that I’ll start a war by just smiling a little differently than I might normally.

Thanks for the posts and thoughtful strategies and advice.

I will continue to persevere and hopefully in coming hours/days she can recognise this latest outburst for what it is.

[TheFarSide]

Just to add to where things were...

Last night closed on silence - same bed at least but overall just silence and edge of bed sleeping.

I sent her a message today just to say that I was sorry we had ended up in a disagreement - something I would much prefer had not occurred. I didn't see the signs at the outset and I got caught at the start by responding to the initial escalation process - once I recognized where it was coming from and where it was heading I stopped myself and walked away.

I've become aware that there is also a certain change to her facial expression - particularly here yes - when things start to run away from her - I also missed that cue until it became very apparent as well.

There is still radio silence at the moment however there was nothing said that was tragic, hurtful or otherwise in any case - as I said I was surprised that it escalated at all...

As i think i have written before - I was always taught to not let the sun go down on an argument, never leave things unresolved or on uncertain ground for the night and don't make drama that leaves the people you love feeling like you don't.

Through my employment and life experience I have also been educated to work towards respectful open honest transparent dialogue designed to value contributor/partner/other persons thoughts and opinions and be accepting of all walks and ways of life.

This relationship (since BPD has become an element of it) has certainly tested what I know - even how I saw relationships through my eyes as a child and now how I see them as an adult - its tested my values, my life experiences and education.

I'm all good - I haven't stumbled and lost myself and I have been able to maintain a clear perspective on who I am - inside my head I'm fine.

As I approach the end of typing this message to the forum a text has come through which basically says 'she doesn't like who I am and she doesn't like the future she see's with me'... ahh well - just another one of the many enjoyable moments in my marriage.

[Guest_7403]

Again she's putting her image onto you.

What she's really saying is I don't like who I am and where my life is going

[Guest_7403]

Just another thing to add about her comments to the life not being what she wants....

Put yourself in her shoes, she's just now after all these years coming to the realisation that the way she thinks and processes thoughts isn't normal

Her whole perception on reality and what being normal should be is all hitting home at once, she's looking down the barrel of years of therapy in which she has to relearn how to process thoughts and go against years of unhealthy coping mechanisms that are so engrained in her that she doesn't see them as being wrong

I think you need to go into this knowing that her realisation of her self isn't as simple as a light bulb turning on....There will be flare ups, fights, pushing back, tantrums with the end goal of keeping them to a minimum

I honestly wish you guys the best

[TheFarSide]

Thankyou for your messages Borderline.

There is merit in your observations about how she must now see the world. The glasses she has worn so far haven’t allowed her to gain any true perspective on the behaviour patterns that usually fall as ‘norm’ in the general populous.

The absence of friends and only minimal interaction with colleagues at work hasn’t helped her grow and mature.

I also believe this absence as well as her relationship history (lack there of) has precluded her from gaining a lot of the relationship skills that would have enabled her to better operate As a partner. She is a bit like an emotional toddler or relationship child in many ways - lacking the developed maturity to deal with the good and bad of relationships without resorting to extreme tantrums.

Thanks for the best wishes as well... this is the most difficult relationship I’ve been involved with. I know many people say love will conquer all but jeez there are limits I think as well... mentally as I said I’m fine but it is immensely tiring - I could just curl up and sleep most days since this began.

[TheFarSide]

It’s all done and dusted now...

Her messages just kept coming - by the time I’d got home all my logic and calmness had evaporated.

We got into a big fight... the type neighbours can generally hear without trying... I simply spoke those truths that you only speak when you know it’s at the end. Those words you know that there is no coming back from. The home truths and the words that come from being hurt so many times. It’s been a savage evening.

My capacity to think things through and deal with matters with a sensible voice just ceased.

I don’t particularly like myself much right now for what I’ve said - it’s hard to explain what months and months of complete and continual instability and irrational arguing combined with hearing you or your child is no good does to a mans head space. It’s just been a horrible journey with no reprieve since we got married.

It’s a bitter disappointment... I gave her all I had to give and she just kept on treating me the same. So many times I showed compassion and forgave her... what for? All I feel is like I’ve been burned strait through to the core.

Most everyone I’ve leant on has said that I should get out - including her children more recently - her kids are quite understanding.

Im still sad to let go - not of all the stuff that has been bitter - but for what I’d hoped for .... as I’d said initially it was never real anyway. Just 12 months of virtually unbroken disarray and disruption...

love is built on many things including respect, care & compassion - the reality is that none of these has ever existed since we married. I was just fooling myself.

the war of words is over. There’s nothing left between us that holds any further emotional value..

[quirkywords]

TheFarSide,

I have no wise words .

I am sorry it has ended like this.

I hope posting in here as helped in some small way.

Take care

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

I stand corrected - there was more in her argument tank...

this time it seems despite all the evidence and knowledge to the contrary not only does she deny having any issues to address but She believes I must have BPD or another disorder.

There was a range of reasons why she ended up with that conclusion - coz I was so angry during the last arguement, because I am so stupid to keep taking her back each time she comes to me asking for forgiveness, because I’m a poor parent...

The irony is it all started over me simply suggesting the possibility of rearranging furniture in a room we hardly use...

I asked her why she keeps coming back to me for forgiveness days after creating a mess And she just reiterated coz I am always so stupid enough to let her back into my life. Feels like I might’ve been just a cat toy.

All I can do is laugh between the sadness for the loss of the relationship....

I did say I’d need therapy to work out why I kept coming back to the same situation.

Clearly repeatedly letting her back into my life over and over isnt a healthy or sensible option.

While I certainly don’t mean by this reference that it’s a game - this is just something I can’t win on - the relationship, sanity, love, future - it’s all just so in the wrong place ...

I think since I’ve been on the forum my wife and I have gone between being together and separating about 4-5 times... I’ve only been on the forum about a month...

I’m not sure there’s much positive to take away from it all other than the experience to be wary in the future about who people claim to be when I meet them.

She just came in and apologised for making my life a misery and then walked out. Not sure if she expected me to follow and try to repair things but I am not in that mindset right now. In fact I know I need to stay strong in my own head and refuse any further advances towards repeating the same cycle...

its so strange - I don’t think I’m a fool or born stupid yet here I am - cycling in a realtionship for 2 years with 12 months of it being quite abusive and littered with negative qualities. What does drive a person to stay against the odds,against emotional well-being and against logic.

Thankyou to all who have provided thoughts - I appreciate the connection and the balance it provides.

[quirkywords]

THeFarSide,

I think when it comes to relationships of the heart maybe we all may do things that may not make sense to others. you are a caring person who really wanted the relationship to work.

That shows how determined you were despite the odds and you were willing to learn about her background, to find out the best way to respond and to keep education yourself. you came on this forum and opened up tomothers which is a difficult thing.

You did write several,posts ago that even if the pain someone inflicts through verbal outbursts is not intentional and it is more about them than you, it still hurts.

i have often thought about that as in my past I did cause pain to others when I was manic and I did ask for forgiveness later when I realised what I had done.

i do know that while some can forgive some cannot forget. It is something I struggle with now but I know I can only work on being kind to people in the present and the future.

How do,you see yourself in a few years time ?

So you are living together until you sell the house, is that the plan?

Thanks for your honesty.

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for your message Quirky.

for living arrangements I am looking at places to rent today, tomorrow and Saturday. If I can get out before Christmas that would be ideal. until then we are in the same house... the house has only just hit the market and I can leave now while it sells.

We had been over recent weeks sleeping separately - that was until late last week and the couple of good days that came along and we resumed sleeping together.

I went to bed last night assuming she would opt to sleep separately but I woke to find she was sleeping in the same bed as me.

As I needed to get up and go to work we haven’t spoken as yet.

Id read how difficult it can be to break away from the BPD traits and the push me pull me turmoil and it is very accurate. Despite the logic to simply move away from what is obviously causing my mind and body harm it’s almost like a form of addiction. I don’t have many tattoos but it’s almost akin to the addiction you feel from tattoo pain - it should make you run but a great many of us illogically seem to like how it feels.

as for the future... not sure - my child will be a major feature of course but in all honesty because where I thought I was heading is no longer I don’t think I’ve had time to redirect energies and thoughts to what that looks like.

I’ll Rent for a bit and then maybe buy again in a year or so...

I feel I’ve tried - I’ve opened the door to her many times and wanted to see it through. I Am not able to help her in the way she needs, the frequency of swings is increasing and inadvertently I feel I may actually be a trigger.

thanks again